Wwyd? Partner is obsessed with me exercising.

[Talktalk33]

I have been with my partner 13 years and we have 2 children under 6. He has always had comment about my weight/fitness levels, but it has started to really affect my confidence and self esteem.

Obviously I’m not as thin as I was when we met and now in 16/18 clothes where I was in 12/14 when we met. He tells me weekly I need to do exercise, that I need to join a gym or do a workout at home.
I work from home in a desk based role so have started walking a mile a day before I start work to try and get some steps in, he asks me everyday if I’ve been on my walk and doesn’t speak to me or gets annoyed with me if I don’t go that day.

I was supposed to go swimming but forgot my bank card and had to come home and he didn’t speak to me for 2 days as he was “disappointed I didn’t exercise this week”. he asks me when I’m going to go to the gym or do a workout at the start of the week and if there’s not time in the week (ie work commitments/afterschool clubs etc) it ends in arguments.

We eat healthily as a family and I do most of the cooking from scratch, but he has started to be more restrictive with “treats”,(for the most part he will do the food shop on the way home from work) for example, he will no longer buy crisps or snacks and refuses to buy bacon for bacon sandwiches which we used to have on a Sunday morning as a family tradition. He will also judge if I have too much butter on toast for breakfast so I have taken to eating when he’s gone to work.

I have tried to explain how him pushing me to exercise is making me feel but he gets very defensive and says it’s because he wants me to be healthy for the children. He says I can’t keep up with them or run after them and he doesn’t want me to end up “massive” (his words not mine).

I struggled with ppd after our 2nd child and occasionally have bouts of depression and he says it’s due to my lack of going to the gym/exercising, but I feel his constant judgement about it is making things worse.

How do I make him understand I don’t particularly enjoy the gym? Or is he right and I should be working out more?

At least you can see you are abusive.

Sums it up perfectly!

Seriously - you owe yourself so much more than this man.

He might also be a fixer, 'she's pretty but a bit heavy it's ok I will motivate her to lose weight' or insecure 'not too good looking to be a threat and cheat on me or leave'.
Some men's taste changes with age or he might have his eyes turned and then tries to make his woman look like the woman he fancies by suggesting certain clothes or hair or make up style... a true mind fuck.

I eat butter on toast and am not fat. I eat bacon and am not fat. And anyway, that is not the point of this thread!

OP he is being awful, I would be having a stern word with him.

So I agree with others this is NOT nice of him.

But also if you are obese and continuing to gain weight then he is right to be concerned about your health. There is a nice way to talk to you about this but you are always going to feel criticised when someone mentions your weight.

He should probably have said 'I feel like we should try and get fitter as a family and eat less junk food....what do you think?' If you'd agreed then you could have planned active
Days out and set walking / exercise targets together rather than him trying to control you/the situation.

He's an idiot if he thinks he can shame you into exercising particularly if he's only going once a week. I'd heavily encourage him to keep his trap shut. Being pregnant and giving birth twice is no easy feat and hes very lucky he could outsource that to you.

His behaviour his horrible, controlling and abusive.
however as someone with an overweight partner, it’s very tough watching the person you love not eat properly and not exercise. It will shorten their life.

Talktalk33

him bullying you like this is the last thing to incentivise you
which is the problem ….
he’s achieving the opposite
and what happens when you get back to 12-14 ?is he going to stop 🛑

that said the benefits of you exercising are major
-the mental health benefits of exercise are major and true
-it can be a fun activity away from home and work
-we are all going to live longer and getting fit now is an investment for later
-it’s going to help come peri meno time

the challenge is how you take this on when he’s being an utter arse about it

What a horrible, abusive, controlling man! If he’s that obsessed with exercise tell him to jog on to the far side of fuck and that when he gets there he can fuck off some more.

This is coercive control . I beg you to seek help urgently . no one should walk on eggshells / be spoken to like that / have comments like that. If you want to try and work it out you need to try counselling . Much love ❤️

I can guarantee you there's only one way to feel better about yourself. It doesn't involve changing your diet or exercising more. It's getting rid of that c#nt.
Sorry.
My ex was always why won't you wear this (unflattering) thing? Why won't you wear make up? (As in lots, we're not leaving the house) ALL other women do. You're not normal. Then no speaking, sulking. Big, bully man child.
It's draining. It makes you feel shit. You question yourself, that's why you've posted this. You're wondering if you're the problem here. You're not. There's only one thing you need to change- your marital status.
Also You're body is beautiful, look at your children, your body made those. ❤

Hi @Talktalk33 I hope you can see that his behaviour is very, very far from normal, reasonable, loving.

This man is controlling you. It isn't up to him how often you exercise or what you eat. If he was supporting you to do extra exercise because that's what you want - great. But he isn't remotely supportive. He's using it as a stick to beat you with. He's decided how often you should exercise and what type of exercise, and what you should be eating. Then if you 'fail' (to meet his imposed rules) he sulks and criticises.

This isn't about your health, it's about him having control over you. He is affecting your wellbeing, your MH. Think about it - if he wants you to be as healthy as possible for your children, is he going about it the right way? Making you unhappy, nervous, jumpy, upset, eroding your self-confidence.

I imagine if you look deeper, this won't be the only way he controls you, or has controlled you. If you started going to the gym daily and lost 5 stone in weight he'd find something else to criticise you for. He's just an abusive man who is currently using this method of control.

I would seriously leave him.

Are you really going to let your children grow up in a home where an abuser rules the house ? Because that is what is happening now. Stay and he will start on the children.

Also this isn't about me but I found it so weird that after I gave birth several male friends told me unprompted how good I looked having lost all the baby weight so quickly..

It was hyperthyroidism. I was ill and had lost 10kg in 10 days having only put on 6 during pregnancy. It was surreal having to tell them I was actually unwell and there was nothing to be proud of.

Men have been trained that telling a woman she lost weight is a compliment having said that there were impressed looks from the men when we met up after having our babies in my NCT group, there was this one dad who was so stand offish with me when I was pregnant and HUUUGE but when I was the slimmest in the room he was borderline flirting. His demeanour and interaction with me was so different. His wife still had a belly understandably but mine was flat. I can't remember how soon after the birth that was but definitely that was less than 3 months post birth.

LTB

This is no way to live your life.

Fucking hell some of the handmaidenry on this thread is astounding.

You're honestly saying that the op being overweight means he's in danger of not being able to control putting his penis into another woman?

I mean, sexual attraction is important. But saying 'I don't fancy you because you're fat, so now I have no choice but to fuck someone else because I'm a slave to my libido' is all sorts of fucked up.

You're making excuses for someone's potential poor choices and laying that at the feet of someone else.

Have a word with yourself!

You know this is deeply damaging, abusive behaviour, right?

We are all made differently. Some of us are fatter than others. We can't all be Cindy sodding Crawford.

Him obsessing about YOUR body is controlling and nasty. You are not a "thing". Not an "object". You are a PERSON.

I would highly recommend that you seek some counselling and decide if this is how you want to live your life.

Forget being overweight. How much you weigh or exercise is up to you and you alone.

Your partner is being openly abusive towards and you need to ask yourself if you’re really ok with that? Are you ok for the children to see this? If you think abuse must only mean physical violence, you need to google coercive control.

Also, consider how the majority of abusers slowly ramp up the abuse as they enjoy their growing power over their victims. Looking back can you see how his comments have become slowly more frequent and his treatment of you more unpleasant?

What will you do when he starts being abusive towards the children (and they always do eventually…!)

You can never appease a person with an abusive personality as they will find other ways to control you, you’re only option is to escape from them.

I know he's phrased it as "healthy for the kids" but I think his problem is that he doesn't fancy you anymore because of your weight. He doesn't want to say that to you though, so makes it a health issue.

He is really horrible for bullying you OP, especially when you are making some efforts (even if not to the extend to meet his expectations).
As a slim person myself, I might struggle with partner getting overweight. I'd be disappointed if they didn't try to lose some weight for themselves and out of consideration for me as well. Communication is key though - your DH should be encouraging you, not policing you. As PP said, he could make it easier for you by collecting the kids etc after school and allowing you the time you need at the gym. He should also be making plans with you about exercising or going out together. Instead he just bullies you and his sulking/not speaking has now made it a control issue. If he's not letting you talk about your feelings, that's also control. Sit him down and make clear if his behaviour doesn't change instantly, you will not only stop all exercise but divorcing him (yes, I would put it as dramatic as that).

Be aware that this insidious bullying will be heard by your children and affect them. I was never more than a size 12 and subjected to this constantly by my ExH. My daughter came very close to anorexia a few years.
It is not ok.
In any case it sounds like you do more exercise than your husband.

This is massively controlling and not how someone that loves you should behave. Worryingly you have totally ignored all the many posts that are telling you his behaviour is abusive and unacceptable.

Ditch him, he’s a control freak.

My dh was like this, though he used to just tell me I was fat and that no one else would want me. I was a size 14 and was fat because he made me depressed and gave me no reason to be active. After I ditched him I started exercising for me, got hobbies and went down to a size 10. He’s now in a relationship with someone else who is obese 🤔.

The constant nagging to exercise would just make me want to exercise less.

I agree with this.. It's up to you to decide what to do next .. tell him to fuck off and dump him or get slim and stay together..

This is incredibly unloving of him. He feels you need to lose weight and is shaming you and giving you the silent treatment.
My DH is obese (very much so) and we are tackling it together, but every day I tell him how gorgeous I think he is, because I do and I love him.
I am sorry that you are putting up with this twat of a man.