Help me understand my parent's odd relationship

[Waferbiscuit]

My dad and stepmother have been married for almost 40 years but I really can't understand the dynamics of their relationship. Because it's puzzled me for so long I thought I'd ask others for their POV.

Dad is an economist, hard working and very career-focused, very sharp and well read with lots of hobbies. Interested in the world - reads newspapers every day, lots of books on the go and very keen on politics.

Stepmother is the opposite. Does not read, no hobbies and has very little in the way of opinions. She has no friends - genuinely. She has never worked throughout their marriage but because they are well off she has had a housekeeper so she doesn't have to fill her days with domestic tasks. She spends the day shopping or getting her hair done or watching TV and now that they are older she doesn't go out at all. Dad looks after all elements of managing the house (e.g. paying the bills, sorting gardeners etc) so SM doesn't have to.

They have very little in common and I wonder why they are together. Why does he want to be with someone who doesn't challenge him intellectually in any way? Or share his work ethic? And why does she want to be with someone with whom she has little in common? What do they talk about? Their relationship seems so surface and I have never heard them have a 'meaningful' conversation about anything deep or considered (I know I'm not privy to all their conversations but I have been around them a lot.)

For years I've judged my stepmother for being a bit vapid but increasingly I judge my dad for keeping her in her cage, for choosing a life partner - perhaps a 'trophy wife' - who just provides some kind of easy comfort.

Is this a generational thing? Are my parent's generation happy to choose a life partner based on simple companionship and they have limited expectations beyond that?

I know it's 'not my business if they are happy' etc etc so please don't post that. I'm just genuinely perplexed as to why they are together and how long they have stayed together. Would love to know thoughts from others/if parents are similar.

Same!!! 🤣🤣🤣

Was his name John?

😂😂😂😂 Now how did you know??? 😜

🤣

Now it's just occurred to me that people might think I have an ex called Rene. I haven't. What I do have is the manuscript of a story I wrote during lockdown with two friends in different countries, with each of us taking turns to write the next part and usually only after we were pissed. One of the other authors is French and she created a certain character. The other one is Aussie, didn't like the character and, well, when chapter 3 landed in our inboxes, this was the title. And I had to keep the story going after that!!!

I think I need a name change...

Sorry, didn't mean to derail.

How did your dad expect you to be, OP? Did he reward you or approve of you for academic achievement and overt intelligence?

I'm wondering whether you might have realised that he's brought you up to be one thing - implicitly endorsing and valuing it - while choosing a life partner who is a very different sort of person, and it's left you with questions about what your dad truly approves of, perhaps especially in women.

Or I could be reading too much into it, obviously.

😂 I actually love how you came up with the title. How interesting! And lucky you to have the creativity to be able to write a manuscript, I usually struggle to write an email! 😂 And to do it as a collaborative effort sounds like it was a lot of fun!

Honestly, War and Peace this wasn't, believe me. It was basically the pissed ramblings of three people trying to stay sane in lockdown. But I will always remember opening the email to an attachment titled "Chapter 3: Rene Bums Wombats".

I’ve seen similar relationships and usually it’s that they can see and admire and respect things in each other that aren’t obvious to everyone else.

I also get why you are interested. Though you do sound like a terrible intellectual snob!

It really doesn't matter how or why someone's relationship works and is frankly nobody's business, even close family members. They are not you so whatever you think is important or should happen is not going to be how they think. If your SM has sustained a 40 year relationship then she has qualities that your father finds attractive and worth having a relationship with. That's all you need to know really.

@MagicClawHasNoChildren such an interesting point there. I think you have a point here, maybe she's nothing like the op and there's a tint bit of jealousy that he's not with someone like his daughter ie with the characteristics he may profess to be proud of. I mean, if he thinks strong, independent, working women are amazing yet has a wife who stays at home, has help etc, less educated, maybe that unsettles the OP a bit.

It really doesn't matter how or why someone's relationship works and is frankly nobody's business, even close family members. They are not you so whatever you think is important or should happen is not going to be how they think.

You can speculate about a relationship without any intention of trying to change and influence it. The OP's not trying to dictate to them, she's just wondering what's happening between them. I quite often ruminate on my parents' relationship and how two people stay together for 50+ years when one of them hasn't liked the other one, much less loved them, for around 15 of those years. Habit and fear I think is the answer there.

Contemplating their relationship, and how they went from a loving couple to a bickering, abusive mess has been quite valuable for me because it's helped me to avoid their pitfalls. Of course no doubt I'll make my own mistakes but I think looking at what might work, or not work, can be quite instructive.

This 100%

Why do you care? My mum is very intelligent and her husband is not, he has an average job she has a good job. They have been together 13 years now and I have not even given it a thought what she sees in him because I can tell she is happy and after 13 years of being married to my dad who is very intelligent, earned more than her but their relationship was toxic and he’s a right twat so very glad she’s in a better place mentally now.

A previous generation would have said ‘Lucky her!’ Today’s ethos has prompted you to see an inequality and therefore a male culprit. Leave them be!

I would question what your barely disguised dismissal of your SM says about your view of women, as though women who don't match your standard of perceived intellect are somehow "less than...", substandard and not worthy of the men in their lives.

The thing about opinions is that they work both ways. You have expressed your opinion (aka judgement) of your SM, as is your right, and people have responded with their opinions (aka judgement) of how you come across from your choice of words, as is their right.

That you find that surprising cements my judgemental view of you as someone who is intolerant of people who are not like you, or do not hold the same views as you or share your values.

A little self-examination goes a long way...

OP,
TBH I wouldn't waste your time trying to understand the dynamics of your parents' relationship (or any other for that matter).

It's working for them so that's all that matters.

Not all people who work in professions where they had to study for a really long time are intellectual snobs. I am one of these people & would much rather discuss game shows in my free time than what I do at work. So maybe your father has enough intellectual stimulation at work & would rather discuss game shows when he comes home & he should not be judged for that.

My DH works in the same field as me & on paper we shouldn’t work either. We have totally different interests, have different religious beliefs, come from different countries, have different upbringings… He watches history documentaries for fun & I like reality TV. Are you going to judge me too?

It sounds as if you do not think very highly of your SM or your father & all your comments have cone across as judgmental, which is why you are being criticised.

The wisest and most perceptive answer on this thread

Covid has taught me that people need people. In older age it is harder to make friends and social circles decrease. Be glad that they might cling to each other. Afford yourself the liberty to be envious of the ignorant because they are happier than the deep-thinkers.

I married a man very different from myself. We had different interests and were intellectually poles apart. Think I got swept up with the romance and sex at the time and thought it was wonderful. Twenty odd years and three kids later down the line, our differences became more apparent and we gradually grew apart, finally ending in a very amicable divorce. I've been with my new partner for twelve years now and have definitely found my "ideal" man. He's opened up a whole new world for me, (especially in the bedroom) and I couldn't be happier.
It took meeting this man to realise that I had "missed out" on so much. Had I have carried on with my marriage, I wouldn't have known any different and remained oblivious to any other life.

It doesn’t sound to me like any woman would put up with you phd or no.

Bitter misogyny is not a popular trait.

Opposites attract, so they say… Perhaps he’s a man who just likes to be looked after. He may not want to be challenged intellectually.

I think women often think that men will value the same things in a relationship that they do, but they often don't. I've heard that a lot of women will write about their careers and ambitions on dating profiles because that's what they value, but I don't think that's a priority for a lot of men in a romantic partner.

I don't think men in general dislike educated or accomplished women. I think they mostly respect the achievements. But I don't think they are very important to them in terms of what makes them fall in love and stay in love.