Help me understand my parent's odd relationship

[Waferbiscuit]

My dad and stepmother have been married for almost 40 years but I really can't understand the dynamics of their relationship. Because it's puzzled me for so long I thought I'd ask others for their POV.

Dad is an economist, hard working and very career-focused, very sharp and well read with lots of hobbies. Interested in the world - reads newspapers every day, lots of books on the go and very keen on politics.

Stepmother is the opposite. Does not read, no hobbies and has very little in the way of opinions. She has no friends - genuinely. She has never worked throughout their marriage but because they are well off she has had a housekeeper so she doesn't have to fill her days with domestic tasks. She spends the day shopping or getting her hair done or watching TV and now that they are older she doesn't go out at all. Dad looks after all elements of managing the house (e.g. paying the bills, sorting gardeners etc) so SM doesn't have to.

They have very little in common and I wonder why they are together. Why does he want to be with someone who doesn't challenge him intellectually in any way? Or share his work ethic? And why does she want to be with someone with whom she has little in common? What do they talk about? Their relationship seems so surface and I have never heard them have a 'meaningful' conversation about anything deep or considered (I know I'm not privy to all their conversations but I have been around them a lot.)

For years I've judged my stepmother for being a bit vapid but increasingly I judge my dad for keeping her in her cage, for choosing a life partner - perhaps a 'trophy wife' - who just provides some kind of easy comfort.

Is this a generational thing? Are my parent's generation happy to choose a life partner based on simple companionship and they have limited expectations beyond that?

I know it's 'not my business if they are happy' etc etc so please don't post that. I'm just genuinely perplexed as to why they are together and how long they have stayed together. Would love to know thoughts from others/if parents are similar.

People who are secure and confident within themselves do not go around pouring vitriol on someone who is pondering other people’s relationships.

People who are secure and confident within themselves do not have a fit of the vapours at someone using the adjectives clever and vapid to describe another human being .

People who are secure and confident within themselves are able to comprehend that someone can describe another person without being that dreaded thing
"judgemental" .Which we all have to be to get through life .

People who are secure and confident within themselves do not cherry pick from an OP's posts ignoring the remarks "she's nice,bubbly and pleasant ,I get along with her well, she's nice to spend time with " in order to support their view that an OP is horrible ,snidey ,resentful ,sneery,up her own arse,mean,etc.

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Thought so!

Name change @Mirabai?

OP asks question about her stepmother and father‘s relationship.

Describes her stepmother in a fairly honest way, ‘kind, bubbly, bit vapid.’

Posters fall all over themselves to tear down the OP, to point out how she’s clearly not that intellectual herself but she is a vile snob, while equally falling all over themselves to prove to each other how confident and extremely educated they are by being cunts to each other.

And this could be the only thread in MN history where people have sided with a stepmother.

This place is fucking hilarious. 😆

No I'm not Mirabai posing as someone else .

Not sure if I'm being accused of sock puppeting (?do you have to be the OP to sock puppet )or being a troll ....but can I use this opportunity to seek clarification on troll hunting as I don't understand why it's a deletable offence .Aren't trolls bad ? And therefore ok to try and flush them out ?

Though I suppose I'm derailing ,Which I do understand .Sigh ...so hard to keep up .

Excellent post @Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

@Blossomtoes I could be very specific, but you need to start your own thread rather derailing someone else’s.

If you’re going to add trollhunting to your repertoire I suggest you contact MN who will verify I’m not the quoted poster.

@Waferbiscuit some of the responses you've had here have been interesting, to say the least. I'm pretty sure I could find eleventy billion threads on MN where women have been berated for choosing a partner who is not equal to them intellectually, but whatever.

Personally, I couldn't thrive in a relationship with someone who wasn't my intellectual equal (really hate that phrase), not just romantically, but friends too. Don't get me wrong, I watch trash tv, and live for bottomless brunches, but there's more to life to engage in. How do you grow as a person if your views aren't being challenged, and you're not challenging others? How do you learn if you don't read or engage in current affairs?

There are so many reasons for your dad to be with your stepmother. Maybe consciously, or otherwise, he picked a woman who is the polar opposite of him, because he wanted to find someone who is as different to your mum as possible. Maybe he wants to be the smart one in the relationship. Maybe he just really likes her vapidity, or he likes looking after her, which isn't necessarily a negative thing, as some women strive to be taken care of, and some men want to be the Knight in Shining Armour, and do the 'caring'. Maybe he did want a trophy wife, and she was clearly happy to be one if they've been married for almost 40 years, and she hasn't left.

Thx for your posts @amberedover and @Doesthepopeshitinthewoods

Very hard to know how to provide a perspective on someone without being seen as judgmental.

Very weird to have such hate when pondering the relationship of family members,when about half the posts on Mumsnet are pretty much doing the same - describing relationship issues with family members.

I do think this current climate has made people much more chippy.

How do you grow as a person if your views aren't being challenged, and you're not challenging others? How do you learn if you don't read or engage in current affairs?

Well, some people aren't bothered about growing or learning. And some are, but they do it outside of their relationships.

🎶 "I don't want clever conversation,
I never want to work that hard,
I just want someone that I can talk to,
I want you just the way you are..." 🎶

I think maybe for some , people are just sick of being judged especially about who they choose to spend their life with and it hits a nerve sometimes. In real life family members are the most guilty of this and it causes untold shit . Of course most like to do a bit of people watching every now and then so do I but when it's actually voiced it's a problem . I wish my family member had the intelligence to go on MN and get it out of their system instead of actually telling me their opinion thinking I'd be all La Di Da about it , how wrong they were !

To be honest, everyone says that they love being challenged on what they think etc etc, but the flame wars on here don't really bear that out.

What an insightful post, it's made me cry.

It really is

I'm clever and my DP isn't massively. We don't have much in common and all my stimulating conversations take place outside our relationship.

I know my mum is mystified with my choice of partner, as she and my dad are huge intellectuals and constantly spark off each other.

The truth is I grew up with constant drama and arguments, and I treasure a quiet life. My DP is relaxed and kind, and my home life is predictable and free of conflict.

Obviously DP and I fancied each other madly when we met which helps a lot.

She's on a sweet gig, not working for 40 years.

She may have other skills that you don't see what which you dad does, that keep him happy, if you know what i mean.

@Blossomtoes My mom and dad married young, divorced when I was 1. My mom found my dad a bit shallow (her words) and with a lack of inner life. She is very politically and socially active. They were and are very different. She continues to be involved in the community and active in conservation activity.

This is the answer to your question, you dad has gone for the opposite of your mum. He very much enjoys just being happy as does your step mum.

I have read your posts and think you've answered your own question with your mum's assessment of your dad as 'shallow' and without an inner life. You can be incredibly book-smart (as it seems your dad is, being a successful economist) and lack emotional depth and sophistication. I mean, really, even very clever people when they get home from work don't sit around with their partners discussing quantum finance do they? Even if they both work in that field!

Maybe your dad enjoys mastery of his subject (which, if he was married to a very intelligent doctor, say, he would still probably not get the opportunity to bore on about at home with a rapt and understanding audience, anymore than the putative doctor would talk about the anatomy of some obscure gland she had removed earlier that day). But the kind of 'deep' talks most couples and friendship pairs/groups enjoy in their social time if they are that way inclined (about philosophical/interpersonal/political matters) are over his head. He doesn't have strong feelings about them, they confuse him, and being so very book-smart he doesn't like feeling out of his depth. So he's chosen a partner who also isn't interested in those things and doesn't discuss them.

Do you enjoy intellectual conversations with your dad, and if so what are they about? Presumably not economics unless you are also an economist (as that would be pretty one-sided and dull!).

I'd also be interested in your own relationship, which presumably is your basis for comparison. Is your romantic partner your intellectual equal/superior/inferior, in your assessment? What do you talk about?

@Waferbiscuit my first marriage (very young) was to someone calm, practical and good looking but not particularly intelligent in terms of knowledge or conversation and not interested much in politics or world affairs, basically football and the pub. I don't think we ever on reflection had a deep conversation. Eventually I got fed up of this lack of 'intellectual connection' and was divorced at 28. I remarried someone the complete opposite - quite a drama llama who loves a good argument , is clever and knowledgable, totally not practical and is always right. He isn't unkind but blimey he's hard work to live with at times. I've learnt at 61 that sometimes in life you can't have it all. Now I'm older I would love a bit of the practical and laid back traits my ex had and get my intellectual kicks elsewhere by joining stuff- social media wasn't around then and ironically I think it would have helped me find others to spark off. It's easier to find intellectual pursuits separately than it is to change someone's basic nature.

This is such an interesting thread .Apart from some of the posts I am enjoying it a great deal .
So glad @Waferbiscuit started it .

I think id love a partner like this, who did loads whereas I could waft around doing very little and he'd still be happy with just me.

What a strange turn.

I don’t find that truly confident people go around talking up their own confidence. Nor comparing themselves to others.

Mystery solved, shallow and vapid are compatible.

My husband calls my life "pottering about" I'm good with that . He's always pretty amazed at how much I achieve in a day just by pottering . I think his level of intelligence is pretty impressive and I use him like an encyclopaedia i definatly don't ask him to do any practical jobs around the house as it turns into a military operation and takes 3 weeks but if I need to know particular detail about about the Roman empire 🤔 he's my go to . We're both happy

@Eyerollcentral Your friend is the female version of my ex. Everything you said about her is him. I couldn't put it into words but you explained exactly how he chose his next victim partner. lol Sometimes I wish I could adopt this mindset but i'm too much of a "pain the ass" to change especially at my age. 😂