Help me understand my parent's odd relationship

[Waferbiscuit]

My dad and stepmother have been married for almost 40 years but I really can't understand the dynamics of their relationship. Because it's puzzled me for so long I thought I'd ask others for their POV.

Dad is an economist, hard working and very career-focused, very sharp and well read with lots of hobbies. Interested in the world - reads newspapers every day, lots of books on the go and very keen on politics.

Stepmother is the opposite. Does not read, no hobbies and has very little in the way of opinions. She has no friends - genuinely. She has never worked throughout their marriage but because they are well off she has had a housekeeper so she doesn't have to fill her days with domestic tasks. She spends the day shopping or getting her hair done or watching TV and now that they are older she doesn't go out at all. Dad looks after all elements of managing the house (e.g. paying the bills, sorting gardeners etc) so SM doesn't have to.

They have very little in common and I wonder why they are together. Why does he want to be with someone who doesn't challenge him intellectually in any way? Or share his work ethic? And why does she want to be with someone with whom she has little in common? What do they talk about? Their relationship seems so surface and I have never heard them have a 'meaningful' conversation about anything deep or considered (I know I'm not privy to all their conversations but I have been around them a lot.)

For years I've judged my stepmother for being a bit vapid but increasingly I judge my dad for keeping her in her cage, for choosing a life partner - perhaps a 'trophy wife' - who just provides some kind of easy comfort.

Is this a generational thing? Are my parent's generation happy to choose a life partner based on simple companionship and they have limited expectations beyond that?

I know it's 'not my business if they are happy' etc etc so please don't post that. I'm just genuinely perplexed as to why they are together and how long they have stayed together. Would love to know thoughts from others/if parents are similar.

Yes I wouldn’t either lol but you know it really works as a marriage, they have a happy family and they do love each other. She had been in a bad relationship with an ‘alpha’ type prick (well I mean that’s how he saw himself lol) and it really damaged her. Tbf after that she really knew what she needed and it’s really worked for both of them.

Isn’t it good when you are so over a past relationship you can laugh about it? 😆😂

Yeah that English anti intellectualism is weird!

Yesssssssssss!!!! It's the best feeling! Now I laugh at what I ever saw in him! 😂

👊

I don't agree with this or other negative comments about you - i think it's quite normal to be intrigued by other peoples behavior , whether it's your family or not ,people watching is fascinating.

I think the “ OP has an attitude problem “ angle has been put to bed. Of course it’s normal to reflect on relationships within our family.

Too clever by half means a smartarse.

I bet you abhor the 'intellectual snobs' who fly your planes, studied medicine and perform your surgeries, run your economy or studied enough years of dentistry to be able to care for your teeth. Well done. Bah to knowledge, bah to experts!

It’s rather embarrassing to disparage and look down upon your stepmom for something which she has little to no control over (her intelligence), when you don’t even know the difference between someone who is intelligent and someone who is an intellectual.

OP has described her stepmother objectively and taken care not to be insulting. She’s known her at close quarters for a long time so we have to assume she knows what she’s talking about when she says she is not her father’s intellectual equal.

You don’t think For years I've judged my stepmother for being a bit vapid is subjective and insulting? Presumably you wouldn’t mind being described as vapid? Because I would.

@Eyerollcentral I absolutely agree it does work for some. My ex loves his new partner which I didn't think he was capable of. But he once admitted that he loved his youngest a little more than his other kids cause she was the "easy" one of the bunch. So I think he's the same with romantic relationships as well - I had too much "personality" and was a "pain in the ass" (as he claimed).

Fair enough that is not a flattering description, although from OPs angle it is backed up by fact. I think maybe we interpret these threads along the lines of “what would I feel in this situation “ and I think in OPs place I’d feel the same. If on top of that OP lost her mother relatively young ( as I did) I can see why she just wouldn’t warm to her. Maybe not nice, but there it is.

OP’s mother is alive and well.

OK I read this and as in past tense I assumed she was no longer alive.

Ha ha ha! Yes my friend changed after her bad relationship and became much more driven. She wasn’t looking for Big Love anymore, she was looking for a steady Eddie to have a family, someone that wasn’t going to be chasing other women and as I said someone that didn’t interfere with her career plans. He was in a related field so could chat to her about it all knowledgeably but was happy to take a back seat. I would say just before they got married I noticed a bit of reluctance from her, she does love him but absolutely he loves her more. In terms of getting what you want out of life I would say she ticked the box and actually quite a lot of women would do a lot better if they took her approach. Can’t say I did but then I am not the personality who can look at love with a cool detachment!!!

Thx @TheGander. It's hard because I didn't want to be too disparaging of my dad or SM but the reality is that she is a bit vapid, and that's probably the best description of her. She can be kind but also a bit judgmental. Because of the way she's been treated she can come across as naive and childlike. That's how I see it and it's quite hard to explain the differences between my parents without providing an unfiltered view of them, even if it's less than flattering.

I’m still cracking up at I haven't been snidey I've just said how it is.

People who are secure and confident within themselves do not go around pondering other people’s relationships, then attack the dynamics the way op has

Jesus, I'm really perplexed by how many horrible comments you are getting. People are so bloody sanctimonious on here

You've asked a perfectly reasonable question, and I would be thinking exactly the same as you. In fact this dynamic sounds extremely similar to my Dad and his ex wife - I always wondered what they had in common for years. Him being highly intelligent, her being very vapid etc. I guess not all men like to be challenged, and just prefer trophy wives cause that's how they're wired.

You'll probably never know the answer, and you'll never know if they are truly even that happy. Some people just don't strive for more, as long as you strive for different in your relationships, that's what's important.

She can be kind but also a bit judgmental.

You’ve really got to be kidding now.

You’ve started a thread about what your “clever” father could possibly see in your “vapid” step mum, yet she’s judgemental.

This ⬆️

Poor woman. What a horrible step daughter.

“It’s the line of the French to be clever, it’s the line of the English to be dull.”

(Trollope).

Answers on postcard, not derailing the thread further.

OP you have the right to your feelings and to want to analyse family dynamics is normal. This seems to have hit a nerve with some, probably best to gloss over the hostile comments if you can. Not easy I know.