Help me understand my parent's odd relationship

[Waferbiscuit]

My dad and stepmother have been married for almost 40 years but I really can't understand the dynamics of their relationship. Because it's puzzled me for so long I thought I'd ask others for their POV.

Dad is an economist, hard working and very career-focused, very sharp and well read with lots of hobbies. Interested in the world - reads newspapers every day, lots of books on the go and very keen on politics.

Stepmother is the opposite. Does not read, no hobbies and has very little in the way of opinions. She has no friends - genuinely. She has never worked throughout their marriage but because they are well off she has had a housekeeper so she doesn't have to fill her days with domestic tasks. She spends the day shopping or getting her hair done or watching TV and now that they are older she doesn't go out at all. Dad looks after all elements of managing the house (e.g. paying the bills, sorting gardeners etc) so SM doesn't have to.

They have very little in common and I wonder why they are together. Why does he want to be with someone who doesn't challenge him intellectually in any way? Or share his work ethic? And why does she want to be with someone with whom she has little in common? What do they talk about? Their relationship seems so surface and I have never heard them have a 'meaningful' conversation about anything deep or considered (I know I'm not privy to all their conversations but I have been around them a lot.)

For years I've judged my stepmother for being a bit vapid but increasingly I judge my dad for keeping her in her cage, for choosing a life partner - perhaps a 'trophy wife' - who just provides some kind of easy comfort.

Is this a generational thing? Are my parent's generation happy to choose a life partner based on simple companionship and they have limited expectations beyond that?

I know it's 'not my business if they are happy' etc etc so please don't post that. I'm just genuinely perplexed as to why they are together and how long they have stayed together. Would love to know thoughts from others/if parents are similar.

I’m intelligent and I’m very emotionally intelligent but I’m not an intellectual. I like intellectual men though, I find that very attractive but I couldn’t match them in a debate on politics or anything that would be Question Time worthy. I’m more than capable of stringing a sentence together but I’m not high level articulate (think Stephen Fry or Germain Greer, etc). I’d like to think that I could offer other qualities in such a relationship though.

My husband and I are polls apart we like being with each other , we suit each other. One balances out the others work ethic with calm and down time

It obviously suits them both

This post makes me wish there was a 'like' button here on Mumsnet!

My mom found my dad a bit shallow (her words) and with a lack of inner life.

Presumably she would know. So there you have it. The rest of your post is pretty insightful and well thought out for someone who claims to find their relationship confusing. Sounds like you understand exactly what's going on, for both of them.

For whatever it's worth, while I hear this "men don't want a smart wife" thing far too often to dismiss as complete bullshit, it's not been my experience.

Can't you just be happy for them?

They've achieved what millions of other couples fail to do.

Instead of looking down on, and insulting, your stepmother, you should be grateful to her for making your father happy.

For whatever it's worth, while I hear this "men don't want a smart wife" thing far too often to dismiss as complete bullshit, it's not been my experience.

There are entire areas of knowledge, expertise and experience completely outside my ken. I'm not inclined to dismiss them as bullshit, complete or otherwise.

In my 20s and 30s, I encountered many, many men who did not want an intelligent partner, or at least, not that intelligent. It was also common for male academics to get into relationships with their female students, but very uncommon the other way round. So they might want someone smart, but if so, she had to be younger.

I know my current partner very much appreciates my intelligence. But then he also appreciates my humour, my kindness and my cooking. Before I met him, many men just saw the intelligence and made a hard swerve before they saw my other qualities. Which is fine. We wouldn't have been suited anyway.

I don’t think she’s unhappy for them, they’ve been together for 40 years, for Christ’s sake! I think she was just pondering the dynamic of their relationship because they’re so very, very different.

@Wiccan ah you've met me and Mr Crikeyalmighty!!

She must be good in bed....

My brother was with someone like this for ten years. He is a high achiever with a big career, she... wasn't. I asked him why/how their dynamic worked and he said that he found it somehow quite soothing to be around someone who didn't necessarily know or care who the current president of the United States was. I think he got some sort of vicarious satisfaction out of her naïveté and ignorance because his inner and outer worlds were so opposite to that and he found them exhausting.

Opposites attract?
Maybe they have an epic sex life?
If they've managed 40 years together, clearly something is working.

I don't think staying together for 40 years is necessarily an indicator of a great relationship .
There may not be any animosity and they may rub along and enjoy largely separate lives .If there is plenty of cash to keep both comfortable ,why not ? Many people don't want to live alone and would carry on in a less than perfect relationship .

You never know in situations like this whether it's a sex thing. For all you know they could share extremely niche tastes.

Oh, I've certainly made many men swerve, don't get me wrong. Whether they were put off by my towering intellect or something else, I couldn't say.

I just know that I've had plenty of male attention despite being academic and, indeed, I've often been told my intelligence is the draw. It would be nice if it were my ravishing beauty but apparently not.

I've no doubt that some men don't like an intelligent woman, but it hasn't been my experience that it repels them in waves or prevents you from attracting enough of them. I've always managed to repel them in other ways.

@Crikeyalmighty maybe .

As Intelligent as Mr Wiccan is he was also born with a built in stumble and finds every day tasks pretty daunting if not very annoying. where as I multi task like the wind and run that side efficiently as I'm very practical and we really are a good team . But it is funny how outsiders can make up their own version of what they think someone's relationship is , one member of my family interpreted my practical skills in my marriage as manipulation, so insulting ! They were swiftly told to mind their own business and go fuck themselves .

Couldn’t agree more. I grew up in a french environment where being intelligent was everything. Then came to England at 15 and learnt that “ brainbox” was an insult.

I judge my dad for keeping her in her cage, for choosing a life partner - perhaps a 'trophy wife' - who just provides some kind of easy comfort.

I dated someone who wanted someone who provided easy comfort. He didn't want anyone with hobbies, too involved in a career, or too social or outspoken. He just wanted a simple woman (which is not me lol) to just "be" with. Altho he's pretty much the opposite of all of that.

Do men just want an easy life?

Yes some of them do. My ex specifically wanted an easy life with someone that was pretty lowkey. His current partner and him are total opposites. They don't share hardly any interests but he like her cause she's not too involved in anything and doesn't have any interests outside of working and visiting family.

@Wiccan Yep- very familiar indeed!!

My uncles first wife was bohemian, they married in their early 20s and she got more and more into left wing politics and feminism, while he got more and more into his career and making money. They divorced after a few years, his current wife is beautiful but not university educated and he very much wears the trousers. He also had a relationship with an academic and ended it “ because he was fed up of trailing her around conferences”. I think for him the current marriage is at least in part about excluding things from previous relationships which didn’t work for him.

🙌

Crikey @Johnisafckface did he have any redeeming features?

I think many people choose partners on this basis. They want someone to fit in round them. They don’t want to alter their life, they want someone to slot in and be a companion. I know women as well as men like this. What they need or want from a partner is someone to be there. I’m not saying they don’t love their partner, I can think of one very high flying female friend of mine who married a really nice guy, good not great looking with an OK job, with zero ambition to push on any further and happy to mostly stay at home. An easy going man making very few demands who was reliable and supportive. Actually as an ambitious woman who wanted a family I could see the attraction for her, he kept the home fires burning, was never going to make a lot of demands on her and was supportive. The difference I suppose is that they were intellectually on a par.

Absolutely NONE. 😂

You described my ex perfectly. His only criteria was someone who would be there that was easy going. He described me as a pain the ass since I didn't fit that particular mold.

See also 'too clever by half'. Say what now? How can you be too clever.