Could you have been as happy without children?

[James637]

People with kids, do you think you could have been as happy in life without them? Also, older childfree/less people, do you ever regret your decision? Does it get boring as a couple without kids?

But again I think once you became a parent, your unconditional love for them would mean you would love and support them regardless

Not every parent has unconditional love for their children, though. The deadbeat Dads who walk away without a backwards glance don’t. The abusive parents, mothers and fathers. The neglectful ones. Day after day on here we see threads from women who put the wants of a man ahead of the needs of their children.

I love my DD endlessly but I would be thinner, more successful and not be living where I am had I not had her.

That would be down, however, to the pressures of a domineering mother, whereas since having DD I've learned to bow less to her endless criticism and scrutiny.

So it's a bit from Column A, a bit from Column B for me.

It’s hard to say. I would have missed some amazing highs, but also some dreadful lows. Plus, I don’t know what the future will bring. Life would have been easier and calmer. I imagine I’d have been lonelier, but in reality what you’ve never had you never miss.

The big downside to having kids is the fear. You never get over the fear of something happening to them. And the possibilities are limitless. They could be stabbed, hit by a car, develop cancer, become addicted to a new drug, commit suicide over a failed relationship, or just be deeply unhappy. I have run through all these possibilities over and over. As somebody once said, you are only ever as happy as your least happy child. And it never ends.

Take an issue like climate change, for example. If you are single and childless, you can be more blasé. You think “well, f*ck it...life’s not that great. If things get really bad, I’ll just take an overdose” etc. But when you’ve got kids, the thought of famine, mass migration, social breakdown, etc, is three times as scary because you imagine what will happen to them.

So so true.

Thanks for all the advice and story’s everyone… I’m still on the fence though but it’s food for thought!

I have zero perspective or advice!

Just like you, OP, I’m so so so so very on the fence. So much so that I envy people who have had the decision made for them (‘whoops babies’ and people who can’t have babies but are ok about it). Just like you I don’t understand how so many people seems to find it an easy decision! And what makes it difficult is that neither path is better or worse - whichever option we pick you both loose and gain! It’s also probably the only permanent big decision - buying a house is a big decision but you can move, picking a partner again big decision but you can change partners etc. nothing is as long term and permanent as having a child.

Thank you for posting this thread! You’re not alone!

Finally someone who’s thinking as much as me!!

No, I love them more than anything or anyone in the world and always will.

Wow, judgemental much?

Previously I’d always have said yes - love dh and hanging out with him and loved my job. That all changed and last November I was very low. Long story short my workplace changed overnight with teams coming together and I’ve been bullied on a daily basis since. I reached a point I felt worthless and for the first time, having never suffered from poor mental health before, I briefly contemplated suicide. My dc are the reason I didn’t go further down that road. It scares me to say that but when my work life fell apart they’ve kept me going.

I got lucky, I’m happy with my kids, they have given me a very easy time and are decent people. But it was still hard work, expensive and wrecked my career
I’d definitely be richer financially, but now they are adults whose company I enjoy I’m glad I had them.

I know other mums who have not had the same easy ride as me through no fault of theirs, and if I had their heartache I’d definitely regret it.

Honestly all the planning in the world and you still don't know how you feel! It also changes regularly I remember sat with DS1 at home after a week in hospital and going holy crap who thought it would be a good idea to put me in charge of a baby!!!! And he was most definitely planned and wanted!

But I'm way more relaxed with DS2.

I think it takes a while to find yourself again and that mum guilt is not only real but can feel crushing.

But I wouldn't change having my children for anything. We still do stuff and travel (they are very portable til around 18 months). DH and I do lunches rather then special dinners out and we have to actively make time for things. But going to a comedy gig for instance with a friend is so joyous as it's not a simple grab bag and go.

Young children is hard and expensive especially the under 3 stage but they make me incredibly happy just with a simple smile.

I feel exactly the same!

we say the same thing to each other, can’t wait to get old together and not have the hassle and stress that our friends do over their kids.

If you are finding the freedom to indulge in your passions dull, you are doing it wrong 😂

I’m sure lots of people don’t see their children as hassle and stress though. I know I don’t.

I'm happy I had my kids, I love them lots and they're great people in glad are in my life.
I would also have been happy without though because I would never have known what I was missing so no yearning for them.
Having them made me a better person as it expanded my heart and learning parenting skills had been a satisfying positive challenge.
To make having kids work well I think you need to have a good solid relationship with someone whose life values and parenting style are similar to yours. If you parent half-heartedly you'll end up with kids you don't much like so if you are flaky don't do it, it's a long term project you have to be present in every day to get good results (happy children who are decent people)

No way, I find happiness in my children like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. And I loved being single! I had a great time. But my children are my greatest gift and I adore them. I’d choose them above anything!

My life is definitely much happier for having had children.

In my 20s I lived in London and had a great life. I had a busy social life, went to the theatre and cinema, museums and galleries, ate in fancy restaurants and bars. I travelled in Europe and long haul, lived in the USA for a while. I had a very well paid career which also included travel. I met my (now) DH who is the love of my life and we love doing things together and separately.

However I always wanted to be a mum. And DH wanted to be a dad. Despite having a very full life, there was something lacking.

Being a parent can be hard work and when they are little it takes you over completely. But for us it has all been worth it. The child raising years were the best years of our lives. I loved seeing them develop and grow.

We would definitely have been financially richer without DC, they are a very expensive ongoing hobby. But they have brought so much to our lives. They are young adults now and we get on well as a family. Even when cooped up together during Covid.

BUT both of our DC were relatively easy to raise. Bright, interested and kind. They've had their moments. I struggled with them fighting for a couple of years but that wasn't for long.

I'm not sure how I would have felt if my DC had been more difficult to raise. If they had had additional needs that I had to fight for support for constantly. Reading some of the struggles that some parents have in getting help for their children is heartbreaking. I'm sure that they love their DC as much as I love mine but life would be much harder. And you can't predict that.

They keep me going

in that I look after my health and mental health MORE because I am really all they have

I’ve also had to learn a lot about mental health and parenting as son had a breakdown.

so it’s not easy , but they keep me on the path

I think your overthinking it. If you had a burning desire to have children as a single person then fair enough but it doesn't seem like that. Just enjoy life and if you meet someone you want to stay in a relationship with then you will have someone to help you make the decision.

I think some people are natural parents and their life would be miserable without them. I think of my friend who has 5 children is always doing amazing day trips, arts and crafts and projects with them and volunteers with children as well. You can see she gets loads of enjoyment from her children.
But most people are I think like me. If they have children they will be happy sometimes and unhappy other times, exactly the same way as if they did not have children.
You also never know what you will get. You may end up with children that you have a very close and loving adult relationship with, or children you always find difficult to parent and have a distant adult relationship with. They are people and personalities affect all of that.
Also a lot of what people talk about with children is what naturally happens as people get older any way. Virtually all of us stop partying and have a different lie as we get older, and virtually all of us get less selfish and less judgemental. I think bereavements had more impact on me becoming more laid back and less judgemental than children did, because it makes you realise that a lot of what you worry about or give head space to is absolutely meaningless.

If you are single and childless, you can be more blasé. You think “well, fck it...life’s not that great. If things get really bad, I’ll just take an overdose” etc. *

what the actual freck?

Are you well?

@James637 i have been thinking so hard about your dilemma and I have a couple of things to add if that’s okay? Firstly I was so focussed on getting pregnant that when I actually was I thought “oh sh*t, what have I done”, but from then my life became about those babies, I had a horrible pregnancy and they were born prematurely, my daughter had some health issues (still does but not life changing) but we coped and thrived as a family.

I think the culmination of my advice is this, you will experience higher highs and lower lows than you ever thought possible and you will deal with it IF, and it’s a big IF, you are all in. Leaving parents aside who have severely disabled or ND children who have no choice, if your focus and energy is on the little people who you created then your life with them will be awesome. If you hanker for the single life and resent the freedom you have lost you will never be happy as a parent because it will just feel like a drain on you. Just immerse yourself and you won’t believe the joy. That doesn’t mean you won’t have any time for hobbies etc, just your priorities should change.

I hope you meet a partner and your decision will become clear to you, but your introspection does you credit and says to me that you would be a great and ‘all in’ dad. I wish you luck and hope your dreams come true whatever you decide.

x

For some having children improves their mental health as it gives them someone else to focus on, for some it makes their mental health worse.

Thank you for the advice, much appreciated! X