Could you have been as happy without children?

[James637]

People with kids, do you think you could have been as happy in life without them? Also, older childfree/less people, do you ever regret your decision? Does it get boring as a couple without kids?

But think how much less money you would have if you had children. And having two children roughly doubles the cost of a trip. So, double whammy.

@GBoucher - that degree of fighting between your nephews sounds excessive and like perhaps some family counselling or something could be helpful. We went for several sessions of family therapy when our two were in early adolescence because we felt we were all shouting at each other too often and that we should be able to do better. It was very helpful.

I think this is a really important point. The worst part of parenting for me is the worrying, I imagine it’s easier if you’re a more laid back personality type.

But if you’re naturally anxious that is something to take into account in terms of how much you’d enjoy being a parent.

No i don't think I'd have been as happy if i didn't have her.

And to add to this, it’s a bit misleading because not every mother or father experiences this “intense love”

At 57 I'm happy without children. When we got married DH & I assumed we'd have them, but it didn't happen for us. We've come to terms with that and our quite happy, just the 2 of us & Ddog. On reflection I'm secretly relieved I wasn't able to have them as I get overwhelmed easily and need space & solitude. I think I would've struggled to cope. DH is happy if I'm happy, we have a lovely life together, and can be as selfish as we want and focus on what we want, support our favourite charities, etc. I wouldn't change anything.

It used to upset me when I heard parents say this because that wasn't my experience with my own parents; and when I had my DC it was more a sense of duty and responsibility, maybe even disbelief as I 'sleepwalked' through the first year or two and I can tell you now they are older and I'm past PND that my love for DC and their love back to me is like no other love I have ever experienced. I had pets that I loved, it's just not the same for me. I had been the unloved child but through my children they've healed that part of me but I accept that not everyone feels this way. All I can say is that my perspective of parenthood as a child is very different to being a parent and experiencing the other side, and parenting when I'm in a mental crisis and my feelings and opinions about it when I'm in a low point are very different to when I'm stable. So it is very sad not everyone gets to feel this or experience it but it is a very real emotion and definitely exists for some.

I don't disagree with you, but my suggesting that will very likely be taken as criticism of the children and the parents. At the end of the day, they are not my children, so I'm quite careful about offering advice, especially since I don't have children myself. There'll definitely be a bit of 'What the fuck do you know about children?' kind of thing. But thank you for the suggestion. If things don't improve or god forbid, get worse, I think it would be worth raising.

I have dreamt of being a mum since I was a little girl and would have felt deeply unfulfilled if I wasn’t able to do so. I now have two little grandchildren and they (as well as my now grown up kids) are the apple of my eye, and I look forward to having more of them in the future.

I 100% know I'd be much much unhappier without my children.

Probably could have been happy in time I guess but definitely think I am happier having had kids. At the time I couldn't see another way but now I can and can appreciate it could also have been a good life but not equal or better.

I can't say for sure as it's something I would never know. My life would have been very different without kids, probably simpler and less complex than it is. My kids give me great joy and I love them to bits but sometimes they, well 1 in particular challenges me to the edge of reason! I would quite prefer to not have that in my life, but whose to say what challenges a childfree life would have given me? I'll never know.

No kids for medical reasons but I'm happy. Never ever felt the pull to have kids that others speak of, perhaps because I made peace with my physical limitations in my teens. Love my nieces and nephews, all late teens or young adults now, and thoroughly interesting and entertaining they are too, but no, I'm happy without kids and was always glad to hand 'em back.

42, no kids due to past health problems that have recently resolved (to cut a long story short). This has come as a total shock. I had resigned myself to being childless - this health stuff meant we couldn’t conceive and probably wouldn’t have been accepted to adopt - and suddenly it’s a possibility.

I am very very unhappy with my life as it stands, it feels empty, pointless and boring. If we don’t now manage to conceive or adopt then the thought of still being on this earth for several more decades feels intolerable. I just don’t see the point any more. I’d shut off from all my feelings and it turns out they were in there.

Not really what you asked. But I guess my point is, I am very unhappy without children.

We would have been happy if we hadn't had the girls but the thought of not having them is unbearable.

My goodness its bloody hard work, life is MANIC and we are shattered all the time but they are so worth it.

Mid 40s and childfree by choice. Never once regretted it or even idly wondered what parenthood would be like for me. I say I’m childfree by choice but the reality is I didn’t make a choice, it was never a decision I had to face, in the same way as I never had to choose not to join a circus, or become an astronaut, I similarly never had even the most fleeting wish to have a child.

Biggest gamble is a ho you have them with.

@James637 in my opinion, if you've got to 30s and have developed many aspects of your life well, the decision would be harder. If you enjoy your job and find it meaningful, have lots of interesting hobbies for example. Having kids would mean sacrificing that other aspects of your life.

It would be easier to make a decision as a 20 years old, when you're just starting out in life and have not actually figure out what you like/you don't like.

I don't agree pp up thread who said that as parents you know both sides, I think once you became parents, your brain would try really hard to justify your decision. You also wouldn't know what life would like without your kids and as the kids are here, your love for them would make you blindsided to other possibilities.

I agreed with you that it is a massive gamble, mainly because you don't know how your kids would turn out. There are people in this world who in my opinion should never be born, if I were their parent I am not sure I could still say I am happy to sacrifice my life to have them because they have given meaning to my life, even though my kids turn out to be horrible people who did bad things to others. But again I think once you became a parent, your unconditional love for them would mean you would love and support them regardless.

If there were a guarantee that my kids will grow up to be amazing, kind and great people then I think that would make decision a lot easier

Many people would not agree but I think that someone who is wise & well rounded should be able to make their life happy, interesting and fulfilling with or without kids. I am not one of them as I want kids, but I know people (older relatives) who have kids and said that they would lead happy and fulfilling life with or without their kids. Life would be different they said but they are confident they would be able to make it interesting and fulfilling even without kids (or with kids and without expensive holidays & less money)

Wow, this thread has become a lot more nasty and judgemental since I last looked a few hours ago.

Please consider when posting that you are also talking to those who are childless not by choice as well as those who chose to be childfree - not that either deserve to have their lives judged or sneered at.

Loads of really decent, thoughtful and sensible comments from both 'sides' too ... but please be a bit empathetic and sensitive to others. Sometimes it feels like as women we can never get it right and judging each other too really doesn't help.

No one actually knows what it's like to be in someone else's shoes or what would have happened if we'd taken a different path in life, chosen or not. We all do the best with what we have available to us.

Children don't 'make you happy', but I think I've got more out of life from them than I would have by having more, I dunno, money and holidays and a fancier car or something.

But it's really a 'how long is a piece of string' question - our kids slept well when tiny, we had parents nearby so DH and I still got quite a lot of 'us' time when they were little, we are comfortably off so haven't had money stress though we did have to limit some luxuries when they were smaller. I imagine someone who had kids that didn't sleep through the night for years, who worries about keeping a roof over their heads or whose relationship ended because of stress around bringing up kids and having no time for one another would feel differently.

I also disagree with those parents who say they know what life would be like without their kids just because they've lived a life without them at some stage.

I met my husband in my very late thirties and married in my early forties. I do have more idea than most what it is like to live life as a single person as a proper grown up, as I did it for about 15 years.

But that's where it ends. I don't know what it's like to live life a single person in my forties, because I never have. That's a completely different experience that several of our friends have. It would be patronising to suggest I somehow fully know and understand what their lives are like now.

As someone is childless not by choice thanks @BoofyBoo

I had my child young so missed out a lot, I'm pleased I've had the experience of being a mum and it was the making of me in ways.

But I wouldn't want to have a baby this day in age as life's hard and there's so much pressure on parents and kids.
I'd say I'm happier than my friends with young ones and love having more freedom and money (I'm 38 fyi) x

I can't imagine my life without my kids. It's my souls purpose, what I believe I am here to do. I love every second. X

I think I'd be less happy in general without them, long term, as opposed to every second of every day.
Without them, assuming we decided that's what we wanted it accepted it, i guess we'd have travelled more, have more disposable income, I'd still work, I'd possibly be still juggling a full time job, part time job and two lots of volunteering vs 3 kids and 1 lot of volunteering so it's not like I'd have been without direction or purpose, just as my childless friends.
And two of them would def say they're happier without