Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Could you have been as happy without children?

255 replies

James637 · 12/03/2023 09:10

People with kids, do you think you could have been as happy in life without them? Also, older childfree/less people, do you ever regret your decision? Does it get boring as a couple without kids?

OP posts:
HeavenIsAHalfpipe · 12/03/2023 10:20

@James637

This is a 100% impossible question to answer, because if you've had children, you will never know what it's like to NOT have them, and if you would have been happier! Just like, if you have never had children, you cannot possibly say you have a happier/better life WITHOUT them.

Personally, I cannot imagine a life without mine. (They are now grown- in their 20s, and have left home,) as they have brought so much joy to my life. I really wanted children, and believe that I would have deeply regretted not having them. That's just me though. DH feels the same. Like me, he adores both of our children, and is very proud of them.

Untitledsquatboulder · 12/03/2023 10:21

No I could never have been happy without them because I really wanted children. If what you are asking is "is it possible to live a happy and fulfilled life without children" then yes, absolutely it is. I also think that, whether you have them or not, there will be times when you wonder what life would have been like if you'd made a different choice. No one can have it all.

TheEarlofButties · 12/03/2023 10:22

I read a study once where they asked parents and non parents to rate how happy they are overall. Parents rated themselves more happy. Then at regular intervals through a week they asked the same people how happy they were at that moment, the non parents rated themselves higher.
I relate to that, overall they’ve enriched my life but day to day I would probably be happier without them. Pleasing yourself and the freedom to choose makes you happy, that’s taken away as a parent.

bakewellbride · 12/03/2023 10:23

I was desperate for children pretty much all my life until I had them. I guess I'd have found some happiness if I couldn't have had them but I'd have probably always felt like something was missing. Would've most likely adopted.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 12/03/2023 10:27

I can’t have children OP and in
my 50s now. I wonder what mine & DH children might have been like but not too much because that way madness lies! Im
not at all bored with DH - we’re very very happy.

I do worry about how it will be as I get much older. My family will shrink because of my 2 sisters, only 1 has children and age has only 1. It makes me sad to think in 30 years my family will be much smaller than it is now

TortolaParadise · 12/03/2023 10:29

I don't regret my children but life before them was filled with laughter, love, tears, tribulations, joy...and life with them has been filled with all these same emotions...My life didn't begin when I had my first child. I guess my answer is I'm not sure as I always make the most of my circumstances.

MadameSzyszkoBohusz · 12/03/2023 10:30

I think if you don't have a really strong to have children, don't have them!

I did - the broodiness kicked in at 20, although I was sensible enough to realise I was too young and not in the right place to start a family. But the longing was there at the back of my mind, for the next ten years until DH and I started trying.

I had told him very early on in our relationship that I wanted marriage and children, and if he didn't then it was better we split up. Thankfully he did.

The thing is though, if I hadn't had that drive, maybe I'd put more time and energy into other things that might have made just as happier, in the end? I might have focused more on my career. If I hadn't been so busy looking for a life partner and future father for my children, maybe I'd have travelled more, or studied more, or focused more on friendships?

Who knows, really? I adore my children and would never, ever regret having them. But I can see now, in a way I couldn't in my 20s and 30s, that they weren't the only path to a happy life.

knittingaddict · 12/03/2023 10:35

I've been thinking about this recently. Children are in their 30's now.

If I had known then what I know now, then possibly. The problem is that if you want children and can't have them you miss the fantasy of having a child and not the reality. On that basis how can anyone know, unless you were persuaded or forced into having children against your instincts.

Petrashepandco369 · 12/03/2023 10:36

Yes I think I could be as happy without dc but I wouldn’t have been half as knowledgeable or rounded a person without them. I am very proud of, and very happy with, the people my dc have become.

Also, I raised dc abroad and my dc went to local schools and it forced me to confront another culture and it’s language head on and that challenged me in all sorts of ways that have been very interesting and worthwhile.

I think a better question is would you be as fulfilled and confident and wise a person now if you hadn’t had dc? Contentment in life is all about finding your groove and having a purpose. And you can do that with or without dc but being a parent tests you in all sorts of ways you can’t possibly predict, but like all hard things in life, it usually is very worthwhile.

Original poster
James637 · 12/03/2023 10:36

TortolaParadise · 12/03/2023 10:29

I don't regret my children but life before them was filled with laughter, love, tears, tribulations, joy...and life with them has been filled with all these same emotions...My life didn't begin when I had my first child. I guess my answer is I'm not sure as I always make the most of my circumstances.

I think this sums it up! It’s impossible to know, but it’s hard to make a decision as you are also trying to guess how you might feel in 30/40 years. I’m jealous of people who just know one way or the other though!

OP posts:
Soakitup37 · 12/03/2023 10:37

It’s such an impossible question to ask as there are so many variables. Hindsight can bring warped too - knowing what you know now etc. parenting is also fucking hard even with easy kids. (I believe I have easy kids) and I’m exhausted. But I’m also aware and appreciative of that.

all that said for me personally I could have been happy with no kids. I’d have found pleasure and joy in that liberty and freedom it brings but I also knew I wanted children for as long as I can remember and the 8 years between my children have proven to me that life without them (around or existing) isn’t as fulfilling or enjoyable. They have been the extra, the thing that makes everything else mean something to me.

I think the circumstance of having them, ie I had a ball in my uni years and my 20s, I travelled a lot and enjoyed being selfish. I don’t miss that and the times I do dip my toe back into that lifestyle I very quickly spring back to what I have now: it’s just where I am and I love it.

Original poster
James637 · 12/03/2023 10:38

knittingaddict · 12/03/2023 10:35

I've been thinking about this recently. Children are in their 30's now.

If I had known then what I know now, then possibly. The problem is that if you want children and can't have them you miss the fantasy of having a child and not the reality. On that basis how can anyone know, unless you were persuaded or forced into having children against your instincts.

Is the reality that bad? 🙈

OP posts:
Alittlemore · 12/03/2023 10:39

I didn’t want children originally, so much so that I considered being sterilised in my 20’s. When I was around 28 I knew that I did indeed want children and had my first when I was 30.

Honestly, I don’t think I would be as happy if I didn’t have them. It’s hard to say though as obviously I made that decision. I’m happier than I was in my 20’s though and do think this is very much because of my children. I’ve gone through some very tough times recently and my kids have got me through it, not in the sense they have supported me but their love has got me through (if that makes sense?).

knittingaddict · 12/03/2023 10:41

Petrashepandco369 · 12/03/2023 10:36

Yes I think I could be as happy without dc but I wouldn’t have been half as knowledgeable or rounded a person without them. I am very proud of, and very happy with, the people my dc have become.

Also, I raised dc abroad and my dc went to local schools and it forced me to confront another culture and it’s language head on and that challenged me in all sorts of ways that have been very interesting and worthwhile.

I think a better question is would you be as fulfilled and confident and wise a person now if you hadn’t had dc? Contentment in life is all about finding your groove and having a purpose. And you can do that with or without dc but being a parent tests you in all sorts of ways you can’t possibly predict, but like all hard things in life, it usually is very worthwhile.

That's very true and something I hadn't thought about. I think I was quite immature in some areas of my life before having children. Having them has definitely made me grow up and be a better person in many ways. Something to be thankful for.

neverendinglauaundry · 12/03/2023 10:42

I think my children give me my deeper purpose in life, which is not the same as making me happy (which they do).

If I hadn't had my own kids I'd have been searching for something else to provide that purpose (and I'm finding as they get older I'm looking for that to an extent now). Happiness is fleeting, I find. It's not unrelated to circumstances but it's not as related as you might think.

Redebs · 12/03/2023 10:43

I didn't want to have children. I had planned to remain independent all my life.

Now I consider my children and their children to be the absolute best part of my life. Giving birth to people and watching them grow up has been what has made me.

Fraaahnces · 12/03/2023 10:43

I adore my kids with every cell in my being, but I resent being tied down. I resent the freedoms I have sacrificed and that they have been completely taken granted by my DH and society. I would have been happier and more “Authentically me” potentially had I not had kids.

PollyDarton1 · 12/03/2023 10:46

At the time I had my son, if someone had told me I would never have him I'd have been bereft and not happier, no. I didn't want children in my 20's and in my 30's I definitely did, and had a loss before my son and the physical and emotional yearning was very real.

I struggled massively between 0-4 years old and it was only when I left my ex DP that I recognised how good a Mum I was and since then I have flourished. It's helped that now nearly 7 DS is a good and easy child (and an only) and is now getting more self sufficient.

I may have been happier in retrospect (aka if I knew then what I know now) as I struggled so badly with mental health during my son's early years, but I think a large portion of that was being in an abusive relationship. I do find it difficult (particularly having to parallel parent with my ex) still but I think without my son I would feel less purposeful and would be less incline to challenge things head on. It's made me grow up so much, and I enjoy helping my son navigate life.

TheWitchCirce · 12/03/2023 10:46

No. Surprisingly, being a mum has bought me intense joy and is the thing I am most proud of (there are other things I am proud of - but this is top of the list)

pinkyredrose · 12/03/2023 10:46

Redebs · 12/03/2023 10:43

I didn't want to have children. I had planned to remain independent all my life.

Now I consider my children and their children to be the absolute best part of my life. Giving birth to people and watching them grow up has been what has made me.

Why did you have children if you didn't want any? Genuine question btw.

namejump · 12/03/2023 10:47

It's a moot point for me, as challenging as parenthood is I know myself well enough to know that if I didn't have kids I'd have spent my life thinking "what if" and idealising motherhood, family life etc, so even if the reality is nothing like the fantasy, I wouldn't have believed it until I experienced it and I wouldn't have been happy.

Now I have kids I am content that it doesn't need to define me or be all that I am about, they are not the centre of my universe, and I have found a way to balance family life with my other ambitions, so that's the right balance for me and what I was always destined to do to be happy I think.

Catapultaway · 12/03/2023 10:48

Probably a different sort of happiness. I loved life pre kids, love life post kids... For different reasons as both lives are remarkably different.

Mammma91 · 12/03/2023 10:49

I always thought I’d be childless. But I’ve never known a love like it since having our son. He’s an unconditional source of love and joy.

knittingaddict · 12/03/2023 10:49

James637 · 12/03/2023 10:38

Is the reality that bad? 🙈

Show quote history

Of course not. 😁

I nearly added a bit of context, but decided not to. Basically we've been through the mill the last few years. It centres around one adult child and a situation that she is not to blame for. So we wouldn't have gone through that without having children, but it's no ones fault within the family.

At a time when we could be having city breaks, doing what we want and enjoying the freedom, we haven't been able to do that. You caught me in a tired decade. 😴Sorry.

The joys definitely outway the hardships, but I also think it is more than possible to have a wonderful life without children.

99victoria · 12/03/2023 10:51

My 3 kids are all adults now and although I did struggle with many aspects of parenthood when they were young, their presence in my life now makes me very happy.
I lost my parents when I was in my 40s and they were both only children so I have no extended family. My children and their partners and my grandchildren bring so much happiness to my life. My kids are all smart, funny, kind adults and I love their company. They also really enjoy being together. We do lots of family meals and holidays.
I am also no longer married to their father (although happily remarried) so I definitely have no regrets about giving them.
Although interestingly one, and possibly two, of them are not planning to have their own children.