Page 9 | Devastated - found pic of DH at strip club

Quandary45 · 2023-03-08T09:37:04+00:00

What would you do? I knew that my husband had visited a strip club and had a lap dance during his stag do. I found out via the Best Man's speech so not brilliant, but got over it even though I hate them in general. This morning I've found a picture/postcard from the club with my husband, topless and trousers down with two naked women all over him. I feel disgusted and sick to my stomach. Am trying to hold it together as at home alone with our 8 week old DD. I have no idea why he would keep such a thing. I found it in drawers we both use so he's been stupid enough not to hide it very well. Am devastated.

justusandmoo · 08/03/2023 12:23

I was sent a pic of my partner in a strip club with two women around him. Lol. This was by his friends. Honestly I just laughed. BUT that's us and this is you. It doesn't bother me at all but everyone is different and I totally get that.

I think you need to base all of this on how he has been for the last 2 years. Has he been a good husband and dad? Is it likely that he kept the pic so that he can keep going back to it and looking at it?

LadyHarmby · 08/03/2023 12:24

WilsonMilson · 08/03/2023 10:09

Honestly, get a grip. It was his stag do. I’m not condoning it, but this happens to loads of men - my ex, who was a quiet and respectable chap, was taken to a strip club by his friends and had his arse cheeks waxed by a stripper - a bit weird but all good fun apparently.
Not ideal, but it wasn’t like he made a habit of it, and he immediately and embarrassedly told me. Was the only time he was ever in a strip club.

I think you need to judge this in the context of your relationship over all. Is this a habit for him? Any other red flags? If not, just put this down to stag night shenanigans and get over it. I think you’re really over reacting.

Agree with this.

Hellybelly84 · 08/03/2023 12:25

GemGemGemGemGemGem · 08/03/2023 12:15

It's gross and stupid of him, but I am surprised people are encouraging divorce! He obviously didn't think it was as much as a big deal as you thought it was. Rather than leap to separation, try a really honest conversation about where your boundaries are because since this is fairly average behaviour on a stag night or a hen night and if he left the photo in plain sight, he probably didn't think it would upset you this much.

I agree-its typical behaviour on any stag do which is why we usually dont see the photos or the Whats App messages. But only the OP will know if she genuinely trusts her Husband (which is why I wouldn’t care if my Husband went to one on a stag do - I do trust him completely). He would also probably laugh if I told him I was going to a Chippendale night! 😂

justasking111 · 08/03/2023 12:25

I'm a feminist. Would roll my eyes and tell him I don't like it. It's a souvenir. I wouldn't destroy it because it's not mine. I had a suitcase of mementos from childhood including some sketches a boyfriend had done abstract work Dali like. They disappeared. I was very upset. I had long forgotten the 15 year old boy but was very angry that my personal belongings had been sifted through and removed. I also kept a diary but that was in code (nosy mother) he admitted many years later that he had read it.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 12:27

*Your H has shit friends. They are his friends because he’s into lad culture and all that brings too. His best man talking about that at your wedding shows absolutely no respect for you. You were just a prop for him to make an embarrassing remark about his mate.

It’s the company your H chooses to keep that should have you thinking hard about his character. This incident would seem to be more who he is than an aberration. And I’ve lived long enough to learn that ‘aberrations’ are rarely that.*

This poster had absolutely nailed it.

You're only stick with one child by this tosspot toxic "man" ATM. You could escape.

When I picture in my head you finding out your h had done that, knowing you're weren't comfortable with it, at your wedding reception ... And having to sit there distressed & deeply uncomfortable at your own wedding, and then put on a happy face for the rest of the day, and interact with your guests. It's cruelty, it's disrespect ..... I can't even articulate it.

Polis · 08/03/2023 12:28

What would you do?

Personally? Nothing. I might mention that I had found it, but that’s all.

I certainly wouldn’t be rearranging any ducks.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 12:28

It's a souvenir. I wouldn't destroy it because it's not mine. I had a suitcase of mementos from childhood including some sketches a boyfriend had done abstract work Dali like. They disappeared. I was very upset

Yeah, those are comparable.

WTAF.

justusandmoo · 08/03/2023 12:29

Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 10:26

There aren't any other issues in our marriage. He's loving and a really good dad. Everything is 50/50 in our house. I genuinely got over the dance and had forgotten about it until seeing the photo.

I called him up as I couldn't stew all day, and he was horrified. Said he had found it in a random box looking for something else (we moved before Christmas) and meant to chuck it immediately but was lazy and stuffed it out of the way before I could see and then forgot it was there. He's told me to bin it myself and said sorry. The dance wasn't actually private - he was on stage and there were a couple of other men chosen to be part of the "performance".

I do feel like he should never have kept it so we'll talk more about that later.

Sorry I didn't see this before I posted and asked loads of questions that are answered here.

To be fair it sounds like an honest (but stupid) mistake in his part that he kept the pic. He'll be aware how angry you are but it sounds like he's a good husband and dad x

Shade17 · 08/03/2023 12:30

The on-stage performance piece is very different from a private dance. It’s more about humiliation than a sexual thrill for the stag. Things like getting half stripped, whipped with his own belt, ice down pants kind of things. The post card is probably a souvenir but not to get his rocks off too, just a funny reminder.

Aussiegirl123456 · 08/03/2023 12:33

justusandmoo · 08/03/2023 12:23

I was sent a pic of my partner in a strip club with two women around him. Lol. This was by his friends. Honestly I just laughed. BUT that's us and this is you. It doesn't bother me at all but everyone is different and I totally get that.

I think you need to base all of this on how he has been for the last 2 years. Has he been a good husband and dad? Is it likely that he kept the pic so that he can keep going back to it and looking at it?

Does the misogyny not bother you? That women are nothing more than a commodity that any man can purchase for gratification?

Some women think other women are jealous of the stripper because she doesn’t want her man seeing another attractive naked lady. It’s pretty much never that. It’s the power imbalance that repulses me….and I used to be a fucking stripper. Then I grew up 😆

Kudos to you if you’re okay with that. Just with everything women have been through over the past hundreds of years in terms of fighting the patriarchy for equality, it just baffles me that there are still some women that don’t mind their gender being viewed as nothing but a commodity of sexual titillation for men. Their own husband having this outlook of being superior to ALL women, and being okay with it.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 08/03/2023 12:33

All this stuff about him being a good caring husband is all well and good but the question is, has this altered your view of him OP? Personally what happened on your wedding day (and what he'd apparently kept from you) would have altered my view of him already but I'm not you.

Original poster

Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 12:34

Thanks for all your comments.

For everyone asking, his jeans were undone and boxers showing. I agree with PP - more of a humiliation routine than a sexy experience but it's still disturbing seeing it on print. It looks like one of those photos you get on holiday or from a theme park, signed by the club. So he's obviously had his photo taken by them and someone thought it was hilarious to buy it as a souvenir.

I'm not going to leave, but I will have a conversation with him later. And will destroy the photo afterwards.

I love him dearly and he is a good man. I do believe his explanation of how the photo ended up in the drawer in the first place. He's far from a "lad" but I accept that he has his friends and I don't police who he spends time with. Some are laddish and some are not. Obviously this stag group are.

Thankfully his "best" man lives in another country now so we don't have to see him at all. I know they are in regular contact but I have nothing to do with him. I don't think it's a secret that I don't like him and I guess that is mutual. I didn't let his comments ruin the wedding day.

DH has two main friendship groups, and had a best woman at the wedding too who I adore and who also did a speech that was lovely.

OP posts:

justusandmoo · 08/03/2023 12:35

@Aussiegirl123456 nope doesn't bother me at all and never has x

Hellybelly84 · 08/03/2023 12:35

Naunet · 08/03/2023 12:21

But it’s not trust is it, because if you walked into your house and found your husband with a naked woman on his lap, would you trust him that it was just innocent fun, or is it different because he didn’t pay her, or maybe because it’s not in a public setting? It’s not simply about trust, it’s about respect and boundaries.

Show quote history

I’d think it was silly stag do behaviour taken too far and definately no need to keep the photo. A friend had a Hen Night (I couldn’t go - thankfully!)😅 with male strippers and the things they all did with drinks etc were worse than just a dance 😳 They were openly talking about it with their Husbands the next day and I cant imagine any of the Husbands had a problem. I think its fairly standard stag/hen behaviour (it is all completely tacky and if Husband frequented them every weekend, that would be a different story) but some of the posts ‘divorce him straight away’ are ridiculous.

When men go on stag do’s to Eastern Europe, do people think they are going for some sightseeing? 😂

Kitchenette · 08/03/2023 12:36

This sounds really sensible, OP. Hope your conversation is helpful, that he is suitably apologetic and that you can both put it behind you.

justusandmoo · 08/03/2023 12:36

justusandmoo · 08/03/2023 12:35

@Aussiegirl123456 nope doesn't bother me at all and never has x

Just in the same way that women going to strip clubs and watching men doesn't bother me.

Aussiegirl123456 · 08/03/2023 12:37

justusandmoo · 08/03/2023 12:35

@Aussiegirl123456 nope doesn't bother me at all and never has x

Cool. That’s good.
Do you feel the same about the wage gap, is that something that doesn’t bother you either?
No shade, just curious and thanks for answering my previous question :)

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 12:38

stuffed it out of the way before I could see

That 100% confirms he knew you wouldn't be ok with his stag do choices, but he went ahead with them, hid it all from you, lied by omission about them, (and presumably intended to do so ongoing if his mate hadn't dropped him in it at your fkg wedding reception, and if you hadn't found the picture ... . because he's too careless & stupid to make sure he removed it)

...... as well as not guessing that his absolute c*nt of a mate would raise it in front of everyone at your wedding reception and not warning him not to. So you weren't blind sided by it in front of everyone on what's supposed to be the most romantic day of your life, and wouldn't have to go through your wedding day putting on a fake face.

Sorry but there's such a lack of concern, consideration and respect for you throughout ... Not a keeper.

GemGemGemGemGemGem · 08/03/2023 12:38

Why would you destroy the photo? It's not yours. It's just a photo, a memory of something he probably thought was funny rather than sexy. I'd be really uncomfortable with that in a reversed situation. Is there a backstory of why you don't trust him?

monsterradeliciosa · 08/03/2023 12:38

Could you cope logistically/financially with a separation?
Would he go for 50/50 child access - could you handle that?

If the answers are yes, no -then leave
if the answers are yes, yes, yes -then leave

if the answers are no, yes, yes -don't leave
if the answers are yes, yes, no -don't leave

Nanny0gg · 08/03/2023 12:39

Moveoverdarlin · 08/03/2023 10:38

Seek legal advice?? Is this a joke? Christ, it was a stag do. This wouldn’t bother me. Keeping the picture is a bit distasteful, chuck it out and forget about it. Don’t be ‘devastated’ about something which thousands of perfectly nice men do under pressure from mates on their stag dos. I’ve been to many a hen do with butlers in the buff or kissagrams. Imagine if a bloke sought legal advice because he saw a bride to be and all her hens having a laugh and rubbing baby oil in a butlers bum. You’d think he was a controlling monster.

They're equally revolting imo

justusandmoo · 08/03/2023 12:39

Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 12:34

Thanks for all your comments.

For everyone asking, his jeans were undone and boxers showing. I agree with PP - more of a humiliation routine than a sexy experience but it's still disturbing seeing it on print. It looks like one of those photos you get on holiday or from a theme park, signed by the club. So he's obviously had his photo taken by them and someone thought it was hilarious to buy it as a souvenir.

I'm not going to leave, but I will have a conversation with him later. And will destroy the photo afterwards.

I love him dearly and he is a good man. I do believe his explanation of how the photo ended up in the drawer in the first place. He's far from a "lad" but I accept that he has his friends and I don't police who he spends time with. Some are laddish and some are not. Obviously this stag group are.

Thankfully his "best" man lives in another country now so we don't have to see him at all. I know they are in regular contact but I have nothing to do with him. I don't think it's a secret that I don't like him and I guess that is mutual. I didn't let his comments ruin the wedding day.

DH has two main friendship groups, and had a best woman at the wedding too who I adore and who also did a speech that was lovely.

Sounds like a good way of handling it OP 😊

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 12:40

When men go on stag do’s to Eastern Europe, do people think they are going for some sightseeing? 😂

EE lsp dancing clubs are brothels, run by gangs.

The guys pay relative pittances to get their dicks sucked, and hand jobs and sometimes penetrative sex with the gang run prostitutes there.

I know this because several men who attended them related their experiences.

As well as the cheap whores, they go for the cheap beer and license free gun shooting.

Springchicken75 · 08/03/2023 12:42

It would be a total dealbreaker for me.
my dh knows my feelings on the trade of young (sometimes trafficked vulnerable) women, it would be the end no question.

I could not live with a man that was involved in such a despicable trade. Absolutely no way.

Have you had dc?

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 12:45

Thankfully his "best" man lives in another country now so we don't have to see him at all. I know they are in regular contact but I have nothing to do with him. I don't think it's a secret that I don't like him and I guess that is mutual. I didn't let his comments ruin the wedding day

So the only reason he's not in your life is that he moved away.

Your h still has regular contact in spite of him tainting you're wedding and breaking it to you that your h had done what you didn't want him to do and made his stag sleazy in front of all your wedding guests at your reception

I didn't let his comments ruin the wedding day

That's a nice way of phrasing it. You too their poor behaviour and utter disrespect and they suffered no consequences.

Good luck op.