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Original poster

Devastated - found pic of DH at strip club

448 replies

Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 09:37

What would you do?

I knew that my husband had visited a strip club and had a lap dance during his stag do. I found out via the Best Man's speech so not brilliant, but got over it even though I hate them in general.

This morning I've found a picture/postcard from the club with my husband, topless and trousers down with two naked women all over him. I feel disgusted and sick to my stomach. Am trying to hold it together as at home alone with our 8 week old DD.

I have no idea why he would keep such a thing. I found it in drawers we both use so he's been stupid enough not to hide it very well.

Am devastated.

OP posts:
Springchicken75 · 08/03/2023 12:45

justusandmoo · 08/03/2023 12:39

Sounds like a good way of handling it OP 😊

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I guess he knew you wouldn’t mind and ‘love him dearly’ so why bother to post? No dilemma to consider for you.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 12:45

*took

Naunet · 08/03/2023 12:45

Hellybelly84 · 08/03/2023 12:35

I’d think it was silly stag do behaviour taken too far and definately no need to keep the photo. A friend had a Hen Night (I couldn’t go - thankfully!)😅 with male strippers and the things they all did with drinks etc were worse than just a dance 😳 They were openly talking about it with their Husbands the next day and I cant imagine any of the Husbands had a problem. I think its fairly standard stag/hen behaviour (it is all completely tacky and if Husband frequented them every weekend, that would be a different story) but some of the posts ‘divorce him straight away’ are ridiculous.

When men go on stag do’s to Eastern Europe, do people think they are going for some sightseeing? 😂

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Sure, but my point is that trust is not the issue here, it’s boundaries. Just because men do it and some women are fine with it, doesn’t mean we should be forcing women who aren’t comfortable with it, to ignore their boundaries and accept it. Everyone has their own line, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

Springchicken75 · 08/03/2023 12:46

It is depressing that some women have such low standards.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 12:46

Springchicken75 · 08/03/2023 12:45

I guess he knew you wouldn’t mind and ‘love him dearly’ so why bother to post? No dilemma to consider for you.

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Yeah Im wondering about the "devastated" thread title too, given it's all so hunky dory so quickly.

UnderPressure89 · 08/03/2023 12:47

@Alstothemarvshien

Firstly, extremely misogynistic behaviour from the 'best' man. It was your day. Only an utter prick would mention something like that in his speech. He obviously wants everyone to think he's cool and funny. Sad individual.

Couldn’t agree more. Talk about alienating your audience - rule number one of a best man speech be inclusive ffs (& no one likes cliquey in jokes about the stag do). Just pathetic. Makes me question the judgement of the groom if this is the type of company he keeps.

Naunet · 08/03/2023 12:48

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 12:40

When men go on stag do’s to Eastern Europe, do people think they are going for some sightseeing? 😂

EE lsp dancing clubs are brothels, run by gangs.

The guys pay relative pittances to get their dicks sucked, and hand jobs and sometimes penetrative sex with the gang run prostitutes there.

I know this because several men who attended them related their experiences.

As well as the cheap whores, they go for the cheap beer and license free gun shooting.

Cheap whores? What a lovely way to refer to vulnerable women.

WedonttalkaboutMaureen · 08/03/2023 12:48

Zebedee999 · 08/03/2023 11:41

Surprising to me where so many people draw the line. My partner and I have total trust and have partaken in many events like this and have a good laugh about it. We both talk about what our next adventure might be. Our red line is way above 90% of the peopl eon this thread it seems.

You're soooooo cooooooll, wow, here have some slow claps Hmm

LadyEloise1 · 08/03/2023 12:49

Chersfrozenface · 08/03/2023 10:23

OP, that's him, that's what he's like. that's his attitude to women. He's kept the photo because he enjoyed it and wants to remember the experience.

It's what his friends are like, too - they organised the "private dance", the best man mentioned on your wedding day without even thinking it inappropriate. So they reinforce each other's attitudes.

That's who you're married to. How do you come to terms with that?

When your daughter grows up, I'm presuming he'll be cool with men having the same attitude to her.

Sadly I think it's this. Sad
I'd be gutted so disappointed.

AllOfThemWitches · 08/03/2023 12:50

Ugh it absolutely disgusts me when women post for support because something has upset them and because they don't agree to leave the piece of shit partner, they get nasty, mocking responses.

soboredoflooking · 08/03/2023 12:51

This kind of thing happens a lot when they know a stag is in. I think for most men it's not something they would enjoy but be embarrassed by. Why he kept a photo though 🤷🏻‍♀️ I wouldn't be happy about it all. Not something I'd end my marriage over though. I'd be more upset by a private dance as that's a lot more intimate.

His mates sound a delight though, taking him to strip club, getting him humiliated on stage and then telling his new wife on their wedding day, lovely!

justusandmoo · 08/03/2023 12:52

AllOfThemWitches · 08/03/2023 12:50

Ugh it absolutely disgusts me when women post for support because something has upset them and because they don't agree to leave the piece of shit partner, they get nasty, mocking responses.

This totally. It's always the same on here though. It's a mass LTB moment and anyone with different views are just shouted down. That's Mumsnet for ya! 😊

Original poster
Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 12:52

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 12:46

Yeah Im wondering about the "devastated" thread title too, given it's all so hunky dory so quickly.

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Can I not be upset and still love someone?

A serious discussion will be had later - unfortunately I minimised how I felt about the speech at the time and that's on me.

OP posts:
UniversalAunt · 08/03/2023 12:53

@Quandary45 your most recent comments are measured & practical.

Although, I did pause for a moment at

‘I'm not going to leave, but I will have a conversation with him later. And will destroy the photo afterwards.’

to wonder if your DH has a robust enough sense of humour for you to repurpose this image as his next personalised birthday card? 😉.

Moveoverdarlin · 08/03/2023 12:53

My rules for the best man’s speech was no mention of ex-girlfriends, toilet humour or loads of football references, other than that I was fair game. Again, for the best man to mention the strip club in his speech, he must know it was fairly innocent, same with the picture, he must have thought you’d be ok with it as many women are (as a one off on a stag do), but he clearly judged it wrong. To the people talking about divorce, my goodness don’t throw away your life for a tradition that goes back decades. Yes it’s sexist and a bit misogynistic but it’s something I could get over pretty easily. Chuck the picture away.

itsabigtree · 08/03/2023 12:53

I'd have binned him off at the wedding. Horrible behaviour.

weirdoboelady · 08/03/2023 12:54

monsterradeliciosa · 08/03/2023 12:38

Could you cope logistically/financially with a separation?
Would he go for 50/50 child access - could you handle that?

If the answers are yes, no -then leave
if the answers are yes, yes, yes -then leave

if the answers are no, yes, yes -don't leave
if the answers are yes, yes, no -don't leave

WHAT????????????????

How about - do you love him? Do you want to keep your marriage?

And one which is NOT y/n..... What do you feel inside if you forgive him this? Will you feel it diminishes you, or have you got enough trust between you to overcome this?

Aren't those the REALLY important questions?

(for me, boxers rather than willy showing suggests that there may have been a LOT of peer pressure. He may very well not have been the one who undid said trousers. I would tend to believe him if he spontaneously said someone else had done the undoing.)

mewkins · 08/03/2023 12:55

Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 10:26

There aren't any other issues in our marriage. He's loving and a really good dad. Everything is 50/50 in our house. I genuinely got over the dance and had forgotten about it until seeing the photo.

I called him up as I couldn't stew all day, and he was horrified. Said he had found it in a random box looking for something else (we moved before Christmas) and meant to chuck it immediately but was lazy and stuffed it out of the way before I could see and then forgot it was there. He's told me to bin it myself and said sorry. The dance wasn't actually private - he was on stage and there were a couple of other men chosen to be part of the "performance".

I do feel like he should never have kept it so we'll talk more about that later.

I think a proper talk about it (rather than forcing yourself to just get over it) will give you some clarity. If he sounds as though he doesn't really understand why you're upset/pissed off or else he is defensive and says that he'd do the same again if surrounded by friends etc then you have some thinking to do.

monsterradeliciosa · 08/03/2023 12:56

weirdoboelady · 08/03/2023 12:54

WHAT????????????????

How about - do you love him? Do you want to keep your marriage?

And one which is NOT y/n..... What do you feel inside if you forgive him this? Will you feel it diminishes you, or have you got enough trust between you to overcome this?

Aren't those the REALLY important questions?

(for me, boxers rather than willy showing suggests that there may have been a LOT of peer pressure. He may very well not have been the one who undid said trousers. I would tend to believe him if he spontaneously said someone else had done the undoing.)

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Well I think so but I'm happily single and know the a bitter co-parent is life ruinous.

Springchicken75 · 08/03/2023 13:00

Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 12:52

Can I not be upset and still love someone?

A serious discussion will be had later - unfortunately I minimised how I felt about the speech at the time and that's on me.

Show quote history

You are not that bothered because you already know he is a bit of an arsehole with shit friends and low/non existent standards, so it’s not a surprise to you.
You are not ‘devastated’ op nor remotely inclined to raise the bar for yourself, and other women and girls. Because you ‘love him’ it’s pretty dispiriting to read. But hey ho.

whynotwhatknot · 08/03/2023 13:03

funny i was up on stage at a strip show never took my own clothes off though

the thing wuld get me is that he kept it came across it again then still kpt it-why not just throw it away

letthemalldoone · 08/03/2023 13:04

OMG there are some serious over-reactions here!!

Who amongst the truly sanctimonious posting here has never made an error of judgement, particularly with alcohol involved? Yes, it's horrible, and no, I wouldn't be happy about it either and would have been deeply shocked to find such image but hey - whatever happened to "for better or for worse"? It seems some posters here advocate instant divorce for a single transgression on the part of what is an otherwise decent man!

Marriage has become so disposable! @Quandary45 this happened 2 years ago, and however you found out (I would never forgive that tosser of a 'best' man!!) you knew in your head that it had happened and you moved on. It's just now that the 'evidence' of the incident has shaken you to your core - but it's not something 'new' that he's done.

You've got a little 8 week old baby to consider, and you've otherwise been happily married for 2 years. Yes, give his arse a good metaphorical kicking (he should have chucked that thing at the time because he should have known how hurt it would make you feel) but this is not LTB territory and don't listen to any of the crazy overreactions. At least he still had his boxers on - I was imagining worse!!!

Drfosters · 08/03/2023 13:06

Honestly it really does sound like just have a clear the air conversation and move on. He probably didn’t mention everything that happened as he didn’t want to upset you and was humiliated about what happened. (As was the point of the exercise remember!). it was a stag do- so he was set up. He didn’t instigate it. He probably didn’t even know it was going to happen. Every body does stupid stuff sometimes and it sounds like you otherwise love each other. As someone whose husband nearly died last year, you do learn to only sweat the big stuff and sometimes let stuff slide. I honestly think this is a clear the air conversation level infraction rather than anything major.

Springchicken75 · 08/03/2023 13:07

Do you trust him? That’s the million dollar question.

CorsicaDreaming · 08/03/2023 13:07

@Quandary45 - of all the posters on here I'd advise you to totally ignore, TicketBoo would be top of the list. Real shit stirring if you ask me...

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