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Original poster

Devastated - found pic of DH at strip club

448 replies

Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 09:37

What would you do?

I knew that my husband had visited a strip club and had a lap dance during his stag do. I found out via the Best Man's speech so not brilliant, but got over it even though I hate them in general.

This morning I've found a picture/postcard from the club with my husband, topless and trousers down with two naked women all over him. I feel disgusted and sick to my stomach. Am trying to hold it together as at home alone with our 8 week old DD.

I have no idea why he would keep such a thing. I found it in drawers we both use so he's been stupid enough not to hide it very well.

Am devastated.

OP posts:
Mayflier · 08/03/2023 12:04

Still can't get over the Best Man's speech... shockingly disrespectful, immature and downright spiteful towards you. Is this 'Best Man' still in your lives?

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 12:04

That might get them done for public indecency

I mean, that's obviously highly unlikely, but nonetheless they probably want to avoid having men with their genitals out in their club, esp the more public parts of the club.

TheEverlovingFork · 08/03/2023 12:05

any chance he left that on there on purpose for you to find? Surely no manh is this dumb?

Have you met men.

FuckNuggets · 08/03/2023 12:06

WilsonMilson · 08/03/2023 10:09

Honestly, get a grip. It was his stag do. I’m not condoning it, but this happens to loads of men - my ex, who was a quiet and respectable chap, was taken to a strip club by his friends and had his arse cheeks waxed by a stripper - a bit weird but all good fun apparently.
Not ideal, but it wasn’t like he made a habit of it, and he immediately and embarrassedly told me. Was the only time he was ever in a strip club.

I think you need to judge this in the context of your relationship over all. Is this a habit for him? Any other red flags? If not, just put this down to stag night shenanigans and get over it. I think you’re really over reacting.

The only person who needs to get a grip here is you. No one gets to tell OP what she can and can't be upset about. Women have divorced their husbands for lesser crimes than this. It's not up to you, it's down to the OP and whether she feels she can move on from this.

Thekirit · 08/03/2023 12:07

Throw the picture away
Ask him why he kept it
What you do next depends on what he says

YouTarzan · 08/03/2023 12:07

Be warned there are some very very opinionated feminists on this board

Grin
Fuckstix · 08/03/2023 12:08

This merits an in person conversation and a full explanation of what went on. Your feelings are totally valid. Don't let this be minimised.

What I would personally be most interested in however, would be an apology for the way this came out, if you've not already had one.

The best man was an arsehole for blurting that out at your wedding. Your DH himself should have either given you the heads up, asked you whether you were ok with him going there, or not gone to a strip club at all depending upon your boundaries. They put you in the position of having to accept it or let it spoil your wedding.

I suppose what you have now is evidence of the 'private dance'- obviously not so private- so at least he hasn't hidden anything new.

It's pathetic. What is so eternally fascinating about looking at tits that men will upset the women who care about them and risk relationships?

Greentree1 · 08/03/2023 12:09

Did one of his stag friends take the photo? Or was it a posed 'stag night' picture taken by the club photographer? Did one of his friends give it to him recently, 'Look what I found the other day'. It sounds as though it was pretty public and they were probably all drunk, if otherwise he is a good husband and no other strip club visits I'd give him a pass. At least they didn't leave him tied naked to a tree somewhere (I hope).

Aussiegirl123456 · 08/03/2023 12:10

Hugs, OP x

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 12:11

Mayflier · 08/03/2023 12:04

Still can't get over the Best Man's speech... shockingly disrespectful, immature and downright spiteful towards you. Is this 'Best Man' still in your lives?

Op's h has doubled down on the disgraceful events of the wedding day by leaving this picture lying around in a drawer.

Both he and the best man were to blame for the wedding .... But I actually blame him more. He could have warned the op discretely and privately and discussed it with her beforehand if he had the slightest inkling his best man would raise it.

He also could have and should have warned his best man severely about raising it.

Even when he started, he could have warned him/tried to intercede.

He's still presumably friendly with this best man.

I feel so sorry for op that she had to sit through that and hold it together and pretend to be happy and deal with her guests with that ..... And she couldn't even really confront her h or leave or get some private space and time because of how and when the best man did it.

That was supposed to be a lovely occasion, they ruined it. Ops family and true friends - unless they have v low standards, must have felt so uncomfortable, so sorry for her and must think her h and his mate are a paid of absolute dickheads.

And behind the whole thing was the knowledge that op was not comfortable with him doing that sort of sex industry, strip stuff anyway. Much more reason for him to privately did usd it with her and warn her, having gone against her wishes/inclinations in the first place

What a wedding day, poor op.

Kitchenette · 08/03/2023 12:12

What an awful thing for the best man to have done. I'm so sorry.

As for the photo, I think his explanation sounds plausible, in fact much more plausible than the idea that he kept it as a trophy or because it was some sort of brilliant experience. Three blokes up on stage- that's a humiliation ritual, not some sort of sexy treat (to be clear, I'm not condoning it- I'd be furious too- but it's not something a man would generally want a trophy from or consider some sort of sexual high point). Have a chat about it all tonight.

Obviously people are entitled to say they'd have ended the relationship when they first heard about it- that's their choice. It wasn't the choice you made and it wouldn't be my choice either- I don't think this photo actually changes anything, for all that it was obviously upsetting for you to find. I hope you find a way through.

Nosejobent · 08/03/2023 12:12

Treehappy · 08/03/2023 10:37

Your H has shit friends. They are his friends because he’s into lad culture and all that brings too. His best man talking about that at your wedding shows absolutely no respect for you. You were just a prop for him to make an embarrassing remark about his mate.

It’s the company your H chooses to keep that should have you thinking hard about his character. This incident would seem to be more who he is than an aberration. And I’ve lived long enough to learn that ‘aberrations’ are rarely that.

totally agrees with this!

FuckNuggets · 08/03/2023 12:14

Honestly what I'd do is organise a girls' night at chippendales type show for yourself and your friends. Have the same kinda photo done then stick both photos in a frame in the living room. Where everyone can see. He'll object and probably hit the roof. But what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Then when your little one is a bit older (1 maybe?) and you're not quite so vulnerable, I'd LTB.

AllOfThemWitches · 08/03/2023 12:14

Ha if my partner gave into peer pressure, he'd better make it worth losing his relationship over 😅 as if people think it's ok coz it's a stag do. It's a bit basic too and says a lot about the 'stag' and his friends.

GemGemGemGemGemGem · 08/03/2023 12:15

It's gross and stupid of him, but I am surprised people are encouraging divorce! He obviously didn't think it was as much as a big deal as you thought it was. Rather than leap to separation, try a really honest conversation about where your boundaries are because since this is fairly average behaviour on a stag night or a hen night and if he left the photo in plain sight, he probably didn't think it would upset you this much.

Hellybelly84 · 08/03/2023 12:16

I know my Husband and his friends have all visited them on stag do’s, however I cant preach, as myself and friends have been on Hen Do’s/Ladies nights with male strippers. It comes down to trust. I think having a dance with trousers down was absolutely a step too far, but I wouldn’t be cross about visiting a strip club (as I think thats fairly normal for alot of stag do’s). I would speak to your Husband and say how hurt you were finding the photo (why dod he need to keep it?) and ask for him to get rid of it. Also, do you generally trust him 100% as that really is key in any relationship. What happens when the next stag do comes about?

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 12:16

The best man was an arsehole for blurting that out at your wedding.

Even the most casual of best men tend to have a speech or bullet points or an outline .. . They'd think about what they wanted to say in the relatively short time, they should think about what is appropriate. I'd be surprised if it was blurted.

His standards are apparently so low, he thought it was appropriate and funny. He either is too think and utterly lacking in empathy to realise it would make op uncomfortable - on her fkg wedding day - of he literally has not a shred of respect for op (and women in general) and didn't care.

The company you keep tells a lot about you.

As I said it was absolutely up to ops h, having done something he knew she would not be happy about - to circumvent the situation. Tell her, and warn his best man under pain of losing their friendship. He's too arrogant or stupid or disrespectful or cavalier or careless to do so.

Justforlaffs · 08/03/2023 12:16

Be warned there are some very very opinionated feminists on this board

LOL!! Maybe this poster would like threads like these (ie. ones about arsehole men - so about 50% of posts) to come with a trigger warning:

“OPINIONATED WOMEN MAY COMMENT ON THIS THREAD - DO NOT OPEN IF YOU ARE A MISOGYNY APOLOGIST!!”

The problem with situations like this OP is that you are unlikely to end your relationship over it, especially when you have young children together and all that entails - but you will never forget it - it will alter your view of him as a person and make you lose respect for him. I’ve been there, it’s horrible and about 20 years later I still remember incidents like this (amongst others) involving dh and think “you’re a fucking twat aren’t you” to myself. It makes you realise they’re not the person you thought they were, and it can slowly eat away at you.

You have my sympathies - not what you need to be confronted with after just giving birth to his child.

Igniteyourbones · 08/03/2023 12:16

RemoteControlDoobry · 08/03/2023 11:44

You’re very naive. Did you spend the next few weeks fantasising about the male strippers? As far as I’m aware, women don’t do that.

Show quote history

I assure you I am very far from naive. I just don’t have a problem with it. Others do have a problem with it and that’s fine for them. My question was only, am I the only person who doesn’t have a problem with it.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 12:17

FuckNuggets · 08/03/2023 12:14

Honestly what I'd do is organise a girls' night at chippendales type show for yourself and your friends. Have the same kinda photo done then stick both photos in a frame in the living room. Where everyone can see. He'll object and probably hit the roof. But what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Then when your little one is a bit older (1 maybe?) and you're not quite so vulnerable, I'd LTB.

This.

KirstenBlest · 08/03/2023 12:18

I'd have walked out of the reception.
Wedding speeches are usually boring, and some guests love it when the best man's speech comes up with tales of the groom getting up to allsorts.

Having left the wedding, I'd have been the one 'in the wrong' because 'it's just boys being boys', 'banter' etc.

Lavenderzen · 08/03/2023 12:19

To the person who accused me of gaslighting. I can't be bothered looking back to see who it was. The OP asked "what would you do".
I have given my opinion.

You cannot honestly think that you should walk out on a marriage because of this that is completely ridiculous.
Believe me there will be harder stuff to deal with as the marriage/life goes on.
I wish the OP well and hope things can be sorted out.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 12:21

KirstenBlest · 08/03/2023 12:18

I'd have walked out of the reception.
Wedding speeches are usually boring, and some guests love it when the best man's speech comes up with tales of the groom getting up to allsorts.

Having left the wedding, I'd have been the one 'in the wrong' because 'it's just boys being boys', 'banter' etc.

Yep.
They should have been left high and dry trying to have a wedding reception without a bride.

They know ops a good little girl and wouldn't do that though.

He also knows she's such a good little girl, he can carelessly throw his stripper photos into a drawer in her home, which she's found with his 8 wk old baby to look after, and she's still stay. She might show a little bit of upset. Boohoo, won't interfere with his life much.

Naunet · 08/03/2023 12:21

Hellybelly84 · 08/03/2023 12:16

I know my Husband and his friends have all visited them on stag do’s, however I cant preach, as myself and friends have been on Hen Do’s/Ladies nights with male strippers. It comes down to trust. I think having a dance with trousers down was absolutely a step too far, but I wouldn’t be cross about visiting a strip club (as I think thats fairly normal for alot of stag do’s). I would speak to your Husband and say how hurt you were finding the photo (why dod he need to keep it?) and ask for him to get rid of it. Also, do you generally trust him 100% as that really is key in any relationship. What happens when the next stag do comes about?

But it’s not trust is it, because if you walked into your house and found your husband with a naked woman on his lap, would you trust him that it was just innocent fun, or is it different because he didn’t pay her, or maybe because it’s not in a public setting? It’s not simply about trust, it’s about respect and boundaries.

ShepherdMoons · 08/03/2023 12:23

If this is a one off I'd pretend I hadn't seen the photo and then mention to him at a later date that you are totally against strip clubs, etc. Make it clear you will leave him if he ever does anything like that.

Men do stupid things at stag dos and hopefully married life will lead to a calmer more sensible life.

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