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Original poster

Devastated - found pic of DH at strip club

448 replies

Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 09:37

What would you do?

I knew that my husband had visited a strip club and had a lap dance during his stag do. I found out via the Best Man's speech so not brilliant, but got over it even though I hate them in general.

This morning I've found a picture/postcard from the club with my husband, topless and trousers down with two naked women all over him. I feel disgusted and sick to my stomach. Am trying to hold it together as at home alone with our 8 week old DD.

I have no idea why he would keep such a thing. I found it in drawers we both use so he's been stupid enough not to hide it very well.

Am devastated.

OP posts:
FamilyLife2point4 · 08/03/2023 11:46

@Quandary45 it very well could be he found it, moved it, forgot about it.
He could have been reminiscing about a silly night out with mates - one he’s entitled to keep an embarrassing photo of (I would find it a bit ick too, but also a bit funny giving it’s an on stage performance, not private).
If I was you, I would be questioning if he’s missing ‘fun’ given your DC is so young (but that’s my own personal experience coming through). I’d suggest arranging a babysitter and some time together for just you two, to discuss through.

Sandra1984 · 08/03/2023 11:46

Zebedee999 · 08/03/2023 11:41

Surprising to me where so many people draw the line. My partner and I have total trust and have partaken in many events like this and have a good laugh about it. We both talk about what our next adventure might be. Our red line is way above 90% of the peopl eon this thread it seems.

Good to know you stand in such a high horse and your marriage is so great, but maybe the OP's discontent is not about "being cheated with strippers" but more about husbands and his buddies a tad misogynistic attitude towards women. Two different things.

Sassyfox · 08/03/2023 11:47

JFC, more people trying to tell others what their dealbreakers should be. Fine if this doesn't bother you, but don't tell everyone else to "let it go". This gaslighting attitude is society wide and it's revolting.

@aSofaNearYou

I assume you’re also revolted by the same attitude of the majority of the posters telling her it’s completely unacceptable and to end the relationship?

Why should they tell her what to do just because it’s their dealbreaker and it bothers them?

ICanHideButICantRun · 08/03/2023 11:47

I can't understand why there's a printed photo.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 11:48

My husband used to go on a lot of work do's and I remember my upset when I found a photo of him at a place called 'School Dinners'. He had cream on his face and girls dressed as school girls were licking it off his face. They'd all signed the photo with their names and kisses. I never told him I'd found it and burnt it in the fire.

No wonder men do this stuff when so many women are such doormats about it.

Naunet · 08/03/2023 11:48

Sandra1984 · 08/03/2023 11:42

maybe she should hire two males strippers and have a picture her taken while they're grinding her half naked, then leave it on the drawer.

See what happens. maybe he doesn't give a shyte or even finds it funny.

Show quote history

Maybe, or maybe he’ll see it as cheating, who knows. I doubt he’d be happy with her being pretty much naked with two other men though.

aSofaNearYou · 08/03/2023 11:49

*The same goes for hen nights too.
It’s just a bit of fun and is quite common

I do have a couple of friends who aren’t allowed to attend hen nights just in case a stripper is involved but I think it’s absolutely ridiculous.*

Some people would say hiring prostitutes is just a bit of fun. It's not just a bit of fun if it crosses the boundaries of the person you supposedly loves.

It may be common but it's also common to not be ok with it, unfortunately for some reason those people are widely dismissed and expected to put up with it.

And I would have no issue with not being "allowed" to attend, as I'd care more about not devastating my partner than having "a bit of fun".

FamilyLife2point4 · 08/03/2023 11:51

Oooh @Sandra1984 i like that. Monkey see, monkey do. Ok for you, it’s ok for me too?
suppose it would depend on the bloke, would really shine through if they were misogynistic, or not though. I do like it 😃

jibbe · 08/03/2023 11:52

I think you need to evaluate your relationship without this in the equation. I’m not condoning it but stag dos and hen dos often descend to the lowest of the low. Don’t judge your relationship based on this especially as you’re angry right now so you’re more likely to make a decision that won’t be the right one

aSofaNearYou · 08/03/2023 11:52

Sassyfox · 08/03/2023 11:47

JFC, more people trying to tell others what their dealbreakers should be. Fine if this doesn't bother you, but don't tell everyone else to "let it go". This gaslighting attitude is society wide and it's revolting.

@aSofaNearYou

I assume you’re also revolted by the same attitude of the majority of the posters telling her it’s completely unacceptable and to end the relationship?

Why should they tell her what to do just because it’s their dealbreaker and it bothers them?

Personally I wouldn't tell her to leave him, I'd just tell her what I'd do in her shoes.

But I wouldn't say I'm equally revolted by it, no, because it's not indicative of a wider societal problem. Women are not routinely pressured into leaving their husbands, like they are routinely pressured into accepting them going to strip clubs when it bothers them.

weirdoboelady · 08/03/2023 11:52

I'd be inclined to talk it through with him, especially the upset about keeping the picture, and then forgive. But not entirely forget. He sounds like a loving and worthwhile husband generally, so a big part of it would be the inclination to forgive, and I do understand that he must have been under a lot of peer pressure. Make sure he understands that he's hurt you a lot, though.

SeatonCarew · 08/03/2023 11:54

Naunet · 08/03/2023 11:36

Ask him if this means he’d be totally fine with you being naked except your pants and having two naked men grinding on you whilst someone takes pictures, as he seems to have made this an acceptable thing for you both to do in your relationship.
I doubt he’d be thrilled with the thought of you doing the same thing.

Have we established he was still wearing his pants? I wasn't aware that we had.

KirstenBlest · 08/03/2023 11:54

@ReliantRobyn , if the register had not been signed , the wedding would not be a marriage. If the marriage has not been consummated it can be annulled.

WhyIsBogdanSexy · 08/03/2023 11:54

OP that's really tough. The best man mentioning it at the wedding is bad enough, the photo is absolutely horrible, and the fact you've got an 8 week old baby is just going to make everything more intense as you're all over the place.

I don't have advice because my own reaction is not necessarily going to be the same as yours. Just sympathy. Be kind to yourself and take the time to process how you feel.

Your feelings are valid and shouldn't be downplayed or minimised by anyone including your DH. It is probably meaningless to him, especially after this amount of time, but it's not meaningless to you and that's absolutely ok.

(I'd be binning the 'best man' from our lives though, utter knob)

IsThePopeCatholic · 08/03/2023 11:55

I would worry about the company he keeps - his friends. What does that say about him? Gross.

Suzi888 · 08/03/2023 11:55

It was a stag do. Has he slept with these women? Or was it a posed shot?
Not nice to find, but has he tried to hide it (bad hiding place).

If he is good in other areas, and you trust him and he’s sorry and makes it up to you. I couldn’t get that worked up over it. It’s grim of course it is, but it’s done now. It’s how he is usually that I would be concerned with and how he reacts to this. You have a newborn, so this was very bad timing….

I hope he is truly sorry and never does it again and treats you.

You must be a due a night out soon😉

Naunet · 08/03/2023 11:55

SeatonCarew · 08/03/2023 11:54

Have we established he was still wearing his pants? I wasn't aware that we had.

Show quote history

True, I’d assume he did as OP only said his trousers were down, where as I think she’d have said he was naked if he wasn’t wearing pants.

Sandra1984 · 08/03/2023 11:56

FamilyLife2point4 · 08/03/2023 11:51

Oooh @Sandra1984 i like that. Monkey see, monkey do. Ok for you, it’s ok for me too?
suppose it would depend on the bloke, would really shine through if they were misogynistic, or not though. I do like it 😃

Exactly. It would be an interesting experiment 😀

MavisMcMinty · 08/03/2023 11:58

Alstothemarvshien · 08/03/2023 09:59

Speaking as an opinionated feminist :) I would destroy the photo and not tell him I have destroyed the photo.

Exactly what I’d do! Destroy it, say nothing, then spend the rest of our lives together (because I wouldn’t LTB over this) watching him wonder what on earth happened to that photo.

slowquickstep · 08/03/2023 12:00

I would copy the photo then put it back and start hiding money like mad. When i had enough money and childcare in place i would kick his arse out the door. Having been cheated on i now now you can never go back but that you also have to plan your escape so that you are in a good place mentally and financially . Bide your time but do it before your child is 2.

Situaciones · 08/03/2023 12:00

I'm sorry OP but your husband sounds like a douche. The best man is an unbelievable twat. I wouldn't be happy to be married with a douchenozzle who keeps dubious company.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 08/03/2023 12:02

The most shocking part of this is actually the best man revealing this in his speech. It's the absolute ultimate in 'keep the little lady down'. You had no choice but to sit there and accept it.
What did your husband say to you at the wedding? What did he think of his best man's behaviour? The answers to those questions tell you who your husband is.

I agree with this. Presumably you got over it OP because you discussed it thoroughly after your wedding. Why the hell didn't the DH just rip the picture to pieces when he found it, he must have known it would upset you? The fact that he didn't is the odd bit.

LosingMyPancakes · 08/03/2023 12:03

@ICanHideButICantRun to make this story believable I guess 🤔admittedly I don't know much about strip clubs but I'd imagine they are pretty private and it wouldn't make much sense to have pictures being taken of the women and potential clients that would end up just about anywhere. In fact, a quick Google tells me that it's common policy not to allow photo/video for security reasons.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 12:03

SeatonCarew · 08/03/2023 11:54

Have we established he was still wearing his pants? I wasn't aware that we had.

Show quote history

I wouldn't imagine they'd get his dick and balls out on a stage)in the main area; even in a lap dancing club.

That might get them done for public indecency etc and no men want to see that.

It doesn't make anything better though.

Btjdkfnn · 08/03/2023 12:04

I mean it’s grim, but since he was on stage and it wasn’t private and also it was a stag do booked by idiots, I would be inclined to try to get through it. Especially as otherwise he seems a decent husband.

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