Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Devastated - found pic of DH at strip club

448 replies

Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 09:37

What would you do?

I knew that my husband had visited a strip club and had a lap dance during his stag do. I found out via the Best Man's speech so not brilliant, but got over it even though I hate them in general.

This morning I've found a picture/postcard from the club with my husband, topless and trousers down with two naked women all over him. I feel disgusted and sick to my stomach. Am trying to hold it together as at home alone with our 8 week old DD.

I have no idea why he would keep such a thing. I found it in drawers we both use so he's been stupid enough not to hide it very well.

Am devastated.

OP posts:
TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 13:46

LovingACountryBoy · 08/03/2023 13:41

The fact that you think spelling it out is bullying shows how bad this mans behaviour is.

I said,

He is objectifying women.
His group is misogynistic.
I wished OP luck because she will need it with a man like that.
And I said I feel for her and her daughter.

That’s just the situation. And I truly hope OP does come to expect better because no woman or child deserves this shit.

Show quote history

It is indeed a sad society we live in that a woman had to hear of her husband's strip club exploits for the first time at her wedding reception, grit her teeth through her wedding day .... knowing he's gone against her (reasonable) wishes, lied about it etc.

And then to top it off find his momento of his exploits - which he's too careless & cavalier to hide effectively (and why not dispose of it rather than bring it into their home) when she's caring for his 8 week old infant.

The fact that some ppl think these scenarios are no big deal is depressing.

LDN1 · 08/03/2023 13:46

Don't fret this one. Horrid photo aside, I think it's a genuine mishap, leaving it there.

Let him off the hook.

Riverlee · 08/03/2023 13:46

@sassyfox good advice

justusandmoo · 08/03/2023 13:48

@LovingACountryBoy you said 'I have a feeling you’re going to let it go. Your choice. Good luck, you will need it. I feel for you, and your poor daughter having that as a father'.

How is that sort of comment ever going to help anyone? Really? All you are doing there is trying to make yourself appear 'better' than the OP. It's quite pathetic really.

I'm not going to respond to you again and argue this out because it's pointless. Just try to think about he way you make other people feel for a change. There is really no need to be so patronising.

letthemalldoone · 08/03/2023 13:49

Sassyfox · 08/03/2023 13:44

I'm not going to leave, but I will have a conversation with him later. And will destroy the photo afterwards.

Some posters aren’t going to like that.

They love the drama and want posters to end the relationship so they can get all the juicy details.

You are in an adult relationship.
You are both human and will have flaws.

He has done something that you have found upsetting.
You told him your feelings and communicated with each other and he’s apologised and told you to throw away the photo that’s upsetting you.
When he gets home you’ll talk some more so your feelings can be validated and he can understand your point of view.

This is how relationships are supposed to work.
There will be times when we/our partner does something that makes them/us unhappy.

You are doing things the right way by talking through it instead of jumping straight to leaving him like some posters would have you do.

This is your real life.
Leave the PPs to get their drama from Eastenders.

Thank god, someone with a bit of commonsense, and a balanced reaction! I was despairing there for a bit.

LovingACountryBoy · 08/03/2023 13:49

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 13:40

You are incapable of understanding that the attitudes and values behind behaviour like this are fundamental and are something to warn a poster about.

What she does with the warning is up to her.

That is not bullying. That is someone trying to help another person, even though they don't want to see it.

This is an advice board. Not an agreement board.

You are the bully trying to silence other posters.

You stop.

Show quote history

Thank you @TicketBoo23

A friend of mine went through the exact scenario as OP, even down to it being mentioned on the wedding day. She felt the pressure to be ‘cool’ about it, while all the men sniggered. My poor friend that day.

His misogynistic behaviour continued at time’s over the years. She did divorce him in the end, when their daughters were teenagers and she started to see things differently as I think many women do when they see their daughters experience misogynistic behaviour from men.

ShakespearesBlister · 08/03/2023 13:50

Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 12:52

Can I not be upset and still love someone?

A serious discussion will be had later - unfortunately I minimised how I felt about the speech at the time and that's on me.

Show quote history

Don't worry. They are just disappointed because they spend all day on here revelling in trying to encourage other people to split up and end their marriages, and you decided to think rationally instead. They'll usually try and convince you you've got the 'ick' or tell you to pack his belongings and file for divorce and make sure he never gets anywhere near his child ever again.

LovingACountryBoy · 08/03/2023 13:51

justusandmoo · 08/03/2023 13:48

@LovingACountryBoy you said 'I have a feeling you’re going to let it go. Your choice. Good luck, you will need it. I feel for you, and your poor daughter having that as a father'.

How is that sort of comment ever going to help anyone? Really? All you are doing there is trying to make yourself appear 'better' than the OP. It's quite pathetic really.

I'm not going to respond to you again and argue this out because it's pointless. Just try to think about he way you make other people feel for a change. There is really no need to be so patronising.

Yeah, I’m the problem here.

Go and be a cool wife. 😎

mydogisthebest · 08/03/2023 13:52

Moveoverdarlin · 08/03/2023 10:38

Seek legal advice?? Is this a joke? Christ, it was a stag do. This wouldn’t bother me. Keeping the picture is a bit distasteful, chuck it out and forget about it. Don’t be ‘devastated’ about something which thousands of perfectly nice men do under pressure from mates on their stag dos. I’ve been to many a hen do with butlers in the buff or kissagrams. Imagine if a bloke sought legal advice because he saw a bride to be and all her hens having a laugh and rubbing baby oil in a butlers bum. You’d think he was a controlling monster.

The men that go to strip clubs are NOT "perfectly nice men".

I can't believe that so many women think it is perfectly acceptable behaviour. I am pretty certain I don't know any man who has been to a strip club on his stage.

As for making excuses about being "under pressure from mates", that is pathetic.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 13:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

letthemalldoone · 08/03/2023 13:53

LovingACountryBoy · 08/03/2023 13:49

Thank you @TicketBoo23

A friend of mine went through the exact scenario as OP, even down to it being mentioned on the wedding day. She felt the pressure to be ‘cool’ about it, while all the men sniggered. My poor friend that day.

His misogynistic behaviour continued at time’s over the years. She did divorce him in the end, when their daughters were teenagers and she started to see things differently as I think many women do when they see their daughters experience misogynistic behaviour from men.

Show quote history

Doing something incredibly stupid on a stag doesn't make a man who has otherwise been a good husband and father, a misogynist. Do you really actually believe that these men went through any thought process in advance? Or at any time?

The one whose behaviour was utterly crass, unacceptable and unforgiveable was the arsehole 'best' man. Did the groom know in advance what he was going to say???

Sickofcoughing · 08/03/2023 13:54

AllOfThemWitches · 08/03/2023 12:50

Ugh it absolutely disgusts me when women post for support because something has upset them and because they don't agree to leave the piece of shit partner, they get nasty, mocking responses.

I fully agree.

Or when the "we told you what to do but have you done it? No - then you deserve all you get" crowing starts.

People post to get some additional opinions then weigh them along with everything else; their own wider experience, their instincts, opinions from people IRL, advice from professionals.

Yet I've seen posters become outraged that after them taking ten minutes out of their day to knock out a reply the OP didn't immediately throw all of their life and their loved ones lives into the air and follow orders.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 13:55

LovingACountryBoy · 08/03/2023 13:49

Thank you @TicketBoo23

A friend of mine went through the exact scenario as OP, even down to it being mentioned on the wedding day. She felt the pressure to be ‘cool’ about it, while all the men sniggered. My poor friend that day.

His misogynistic behaviour continued at time’s over the years. She did divorce him in the end, when their daughters were teenagers and she started to see things differently as I think many women do when they see their daughters experience misogynistic behaviour from men.

Show quote history

Only on MN is trying to save a woman from wasting years of her life with a dickhead.... Revelling in trying to break up her relationship.

As if anyone sand would - it says a lot about the mentality of the women who think that.

letthemalldoone · 08/03/2023 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

aSofaNearYou · 08/03/2023 13:58

I wouldn't berate OP for deciding to stay - I might make the same decision if I were in her shoes.

But what I can't stand is all the people saying having an issue with this (to the point of considering leaving) would be "irrational" or "ridiculous" etc. We used to (and occasionally still do) see people telling woman they would be irrational and ridiculous to leave their husband for having an affair, that this was something men did and we shouldn't throw away marriages over it. It's the same logic.

It's awful and dismissive behaviour to try and make someone feel like they are being ridiculous and overreacting if this is a hard boundary for them, just because it isn't for you.

mydogisthebest · 08/03/2023 13:59

Igniteyourbones · 08/03/2023 10:57

Am I the only one who wouldn’t be at all bothered to find out my husband went to a strip club and had a private dance on his stag do? My husband has been on many stag dos and has told me all sort of antics and we’ve laughed about it together. I thought it was pretty standard for a stag do! I’ve been to parties with a Butler in the Buff and I’ve been with friends to see male strippers on stage. No touching takes place, it’s all good harmless fun with a group of friends.

Certainly not standard for any man that I know. I only know 2 women who have been to see male strippers and my opinion of them is not very high.

Not harmless fun in my opinion and, thankfully, my DH agrees. Very tacky

BoredOfThisMansWorld · 08/03/2023 14:00

God there's so many bullshit assumptions here.

I personally have no investment in what OP does. If she's ok with what her husband did, that's fine. I also know that when loved ones hurt us it can take a long time to process our decisions.

I do have an investment towards encouraging women in general - both OP and any women reading - to learn to listen to their own feelings and assert their own boundaries with men. This is because I believe that the female socialisation to ignore discomfort and prioritise the needs of others is regressive and damaging.

Hellybelly84 · 08/03/2023 14:01

mydogisthebest · 08/03/2023 13:52

The men that go to strip clubs are NOT "perfectly nice men".

I can't believe that so many women think it is perfectly acceptable behaviour. I am pretty certain I don't know any man who has been to a strip club on his stage.

As for making excuses about being "under pressure from mates", that is pathetic.

Show quote history

Yes they are - my Husband is the most down to earth, kind, amazing Husband and an absolute role model to our children, but yes he has been to a strip club on stag do’s. I didnt sweat it for a second (in fact I laughed). All of his friends have too. Have you been on your Husband’s stag do’s with him? 🤔 Do you know he has never been to a strip club?

letthemalldoone · 08/03/2023 14:02

We can all agree it's tacky behaviour, very much so - but that is no reason for the cruel, patronising comments made on the part of some posters.

I am actually thoroughly disgusted at the way some of you seem to think you can address someone who's upset about something in the way you have - especially a woman who has only recently given birth. Shame on the lot of you - you are disgusting!!

Sickofcoughing · 08/03/2023 14:03

OP I feel for you, that must have been truly horrible to see.

Not the same scenario but my DH's spiteful ex sent photos of the two of them to our house with my name on the envelope. I opened it and was confronted with multiple photos of the two of them together, very romantic close up photos of them both gazing into each others eyes on their wedding day and various other photos over the years.

Obviously I knew they were married before we met and they had been in love in the past. I knew those facts but the images brought an onslaught of emotions.

I think this is what happened here. You already knew it happened but seeing him there in the middle of it is completely different.

Tell him how upset you feel about it and how it stirred up the old hurt. The best man is an utter cock. Destroy the photo and move on. Enjoy your family and your new baby - congratulations!

Rewis · 08/03/2023 14:06

So the strip club thing was him topless in stage and his jean buttons undone and few women dancing up on stage in front of people? Not a private dance? His trousers were not actually down that there were no dancers in direct contact with his bare erected penis? Everyone has different boundaries but I do think there is a difference between naked procate lap dance vs clothed lapdance in front of audience.

Rewis · 08/03/2023 14:07

Procate=lapdance

Rewis · 08/03/2023 14:08

Ffs. This website moves words. I mean difference between private naked lapdance vs. clothed lapdance in front of audience

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 14:11

Do you really actually believe that these men went through any thought process in advance? Or at any time?

You think they decided to go, went, he kept the photo, he lied by omission to op, hid the photo before she saw it in his stuff etc. without any thought processes?

That's pretty fkn impressive.

Or at any time ...... How do these non thought process men survive?

Do women likewise do everything without thought processes? Or is it just men who are "gifted" in this way.

Sunriseinwonderland · 08/03/2023 14:11

It sounds to me as if he is easily led by other men. Id expect the husband of my children to be able to say no to other men and have more self respect.