Devastated - found pic of DH at strip club

[Quandary45]

What would you do?

I knew that my husband had visited a strip club and had a lap dance during his stag do. I found out via the Best Man's speech so not brilliant, but got over it even though I hate them in general.

This morning I've found a picture/postcard from the club with my husband, topless and trousers down with two naked women all over him. I feel disgusted and sick to my stomach. Am trying to hold it together as at home alone with our 8 week old DD.

I have no idea why he would keep such a thing. I found it in drawers we both use so he's been stupid enough not to hide it very well.

Am devastated.

That's how those men see them.

Thought that was obvious.

If I saw them that way I wouldn't say they were "gang run prostitutes".

I have to be honest, if I was made to endure the humiliation of my husband's best man announcing to my friends and family at my own wedding that my husband had not only been to a strip club but had also got a private dance, I'd be annulling that marriage quicker than you can say Jack Robinson. I would quite literally have left the reception and began proceedings there and then.

The best man showed you there and then that he didn't respect you. Imo, if a man lets his friends disrespect his partner then he doesn't respect his partner either.

Ah give over, that's such a load of bollocks, give your head a wobble!!! If that's the best you can come up with, you must have led a very sheltered life!!!

Everyone fucks up sometimes - but you, I suppose.

Condescending, sanctimonious crap. Wise up.

Could be worse - on holiday in Portugal years ago, went for a meal with our kids. Next table was a stag, with one female. The stag was all over the woman, telling her what exactly he was planning to do to her that night - it was so bad that my DH had to tell him to button it, because our children could hear him. Wonder how that marriage went...

TicketBoo23 · Today 12:40
"When men go on stag do’s to Eastern Europe, do people think they are going for some sightseeing? 😂
EE lsp dancing clubs are brothels, run by gangs.
The guys pay relative pittances to get their dicks sucked, and hand jobs and sometimes penetrative sex with the gang run prostitutes there.
I know this because several men who attended them related their experiences.
As well as the cheap whores, they go for the cheap beer and license free gun shooting."

Good post
Thank you to @TicketBoo23 for bring this to our attention

'Cheap whores' is what they think and that is why they go with them. These girls are trafficked and dehumanised by the gangs and further dehumanised by the punters who obviously would not put them in the same category as their wives and girlfriends and daughters.
I would not want to be with a man who thought and acted like this. I would not want him as a friend and would not want him anywhere near my daughter.

Some of us would describe it as standards.

I'd go with @Springchicken75 myself. Full of absolute shite!

Whatever anyone thinks, if a man goes on a stag abroad, there is only one reason behind it and that is to engage in activities he think will stay abroad because it is shameful and he knows it.

Don't be so bloody ridiculous!!!

This is an otherwise happy marriage, and they are a family now - you say chuck that in the fuck it bin for a stupid stag night stunt? How far you are removed from reality. I've noticed that in your posts before. Says more about you tbh.

You did what you were forced to do in the circumstances they put you in.

Most ppl would do that rather than cause a scene at the "most important day of their life".

That's not on you.

That's on him and his mate (who he chooses to still be in regular contact with).

He's very very cavalier towards you... Both going against your wishes in his stag to begin with, "hiding" the evidence sloppily, and not trying to circumvent the utterly shitty scenario at your wedding reception.

It always staggers me that anyone would find any of this acceptable. Just because you don’t care, he doesn’t mean we all feel the same. I would never be with a man like that. It disgusts me.

Agree! I would love to know if the ones over-reacting actually know if their partners have been to a strip club on a stag do or not? Wake up call-most men have! And plenty of women have too - i’d say most of my friends have experienced some kind of strip club/shows in their life, whether its on a Hen Do, in Thailand, Amsterdam etc.

I’d like to know from the OP - if her friend had a stripper at a Hen Do, what would she do if everyone was taking silly (but totally innocent) photos with the stripper after one too many drinks?

Who amongst the truly sanctimonious posting here has never made an error of judgement, particularly with alcohol involved?

I have, of course. I'm also very forgiving. However, that's not the reason I would be unhappy in this situation. I don't care about strip clubs etc I care about transparency in my marriage. You may think I'm sanctimonious but I think it's about basic respect within a marriage.

Agree! I would love to know if the ones over-reacting actually know if their partners have been to a strip club on a stag do or not?

Yes, mine has, he didn't keep it from me though.

Men that are ok to objectify women do not respect women, even if they ‘only’ do this shit on a stag do. And his friends are like this, the fact one thought that was ok to say in the best man speech. A group of misogynistic men.

I have a feeling you’re going to let it go. Your choice. Good luck, you will need it. I feel for you, and your poor daughter having that as a father.

I'm not surprised you minimised how you felt as a new bride who didn't want to allow the dick "BM" ruin the wedding/new marriage. I guess you have to work out how serious the "ick" factor relating to the laddish bs in the first place and the careless stuffing it in a drawer for you to find rather than thinking "oh god cringe" and immediately tearing it up and chucking it away. He obviously was, in that moment, holding onto it for some reason - ask him to honestly explain to you and himself why he didn't just immediately get rid of it. Fair dos, you love him and accept we've all got different aspects to our story etc... but this a really immature bit that's never going to earn your respect, quite the opposite, so it's going to get increasingly harder to love. You need to respect yourself and the person you are with - this is always the case, but especially now you have DD. It's time to get honest and wise-up.

You need to look outside of yourself and consider a scenario where you are not ok with your partner having a private dance at a strip club. There doesn't need to be a back story of lack of trust, the problem isn't that she's afraid he will do something, he's already done the thing that bothers her.

What a horrible person you are. Hope being like that to a stranger on the internet makes you feel better about yourself.

I am not sure if this is trolling or serious?

If not, then bravo! This website is more nuts by the day!

Can I not be upset and still love someone?

Is your love comfortably compatible with eg going against his wishes on her gen do re sleazy/sexual/nude (the strippers) interaction, lying by omission about it to him, retaining a momento if it (which you could have easily discarded and not brought into your home), hiding a momento of it from him (but not well enough for him to not find accidentally at a later time when he's extremely vulnerable & emotional - there is no equivalent for men re pregnancy and post partum buf let's just say a vulnerable, emotional, stressful time), and not warning your mouthy, inappropriate, ladetty friend & matron of honour to not raise it in the speeches at your wedding reception - which will be the first hrs heard of it, and not from you, in the middle of what is supposed to be the happiest day of his life. Instead he had to choose between making a giant scene or trying to repress his discomfort & unhappiness in front of everyone for hours.

If doing that to him is compatible with your love for him, happy days. If not, you are not in a reciprocal, fair, decent relationship.

She's entirely correct and she's warning her.

@TicketBoo23 no. She's a bully who takes joy in pushing people down when they are clearly struggling already - as are you. You can try to be as clever as you like with your comments but the bottom line is that you are a bully. Stop.

You are incapable of understanding that the attitudes and values behind behaviour like this are fundamental and are something to warn a poster about.

What she does with the warning is up to her.

That is not bullying. That is someone trying to help another person, even though they don't want to see it.

This is an advice board. Not an agreement board.

You are the bully trying to silence other posters.

You stop.

The fact that you think spelling it out is bullying shows how bad this mans behaviour is.

I said,

He is objectifying women.
His group is misogynistic.
I wished OP luck because she will need it with a man like that.
And I said I feel for her and her daughter.

That’s just the situation. And I truly hope OP does come to expect better because no woman or child deserves this shit.

@TicketBoo23 thank you for confirming my point. Most of your other posts on Mumsnet are pretty much the same as a few others have already pointed out here. I feel sorry for you. Your lack of intelligence is absolutely astounding!! Yet very unsurprising for the type of person you are.

I'm not going to leave, but I will have a conversation with him later. And will destroy the photo afterwards.

Some posters aren’t going to like that.

They love the drama and want posters to end the relationship so they can get all the juicy details.

You are in an adult relationship.
You are both human and will have flaws.

He has done something that you have found upsetting.
You told him your feelings and communicated with each other and he’s apologised and told you to throw away the photo that’s upsetting you.
When he gets home you’ll talk some more so your feelings can be validated and he can understand your point of view.

This is how relationships are supposed to work.
There will be times when we/our partner does something that makes them/us unhappy.

You are doing things the right way by talking through it instead of jumping straight to leaving him like some posters would have you do.

This is your real life.
Leave the PPs to get their drama from Eastenders.