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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH just said something so awful/insane...

369 replies

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:10

He's depressed as his 93 year old grandad died last month and he says making him think he's going to die himself and its all for nothing

He's not been helping me with housework for years (before death of grandad)

Anyway we werr having a bit of a row and he just said to me

"I used to think you were actually magic. Like really maybe magic. Like it was you and me against "them". Our relationship transcended death. And now you just ask me to do more laundry and clean the bathroom. Practical, boring. And you're unhappy apparently because of these small unimportant things. You're not magic after all. You're just like them all"

This is pretty much word for word

He's unhinged isn't he?

OP posts:
whyhere · 07/03/2023 07:44

Psychotherapist here. I am NOT, of course, diagnosing your husband. However, if this was a case study on which my opinion was asked, I would be concerned that, either, you are being very cleverly manipulated by this man, or, he is having/heading for a psychotic episode. I would seriously consider getting yourself and the children out of there, even under the guise of 'a holiday'.

BippityBoppityBoehyBish · 07/03/2023 07:45

This was really scary to read

I know you say he resists help OP, but I'd be ringing an ambulance and getting him detained.

My ex was a paranoid scitsophrenic.

Last time we saw him was when he attacked me in 2017 and bit my face and arms infront of our 8 month old and 2.6 year old. Because the baby was crying

Other posters might say this is extreme but honestly OP, ring him an ambulance and get you and your kids away from him. He is unstable and he needs help

Fraaahnces · 07/03/2023 07:49

Honestly, don’t bother trying to talk to him. He’s either playing you or genuinely ill. Regardless, he needs to be seen by medical professionals so he is either treated or he stops this shit (if he is playing you.)

TellmeImOvereacting · 07/03/2023 07:49

Nothing about this is funny.

He may be abusive but at the moment this is clearly a mental health crisis.

I've witnessed a schizophrenic episode and it was very similar to this.

Wishing you all the best op.

BurntOutGirl · 07/03/2023 07:52

@EyeEyeBoom this reminds me of @jamaisjedors experience with her now XH

Justmeandthedog1 · 07/03/2023 07:59

Another man who thinks the cleaning fairies visit daily, along with the ironing fairies, the laundry fairies and the gardening fairies. I had one like that.
He doesn’t sound particularly close to his grandad and I think this grief is more an aspect of long standing depression.
Either he goes to his GP and gets effective help or you discuss whether it’s worth continuing with the marriage.

Covidcabana · 07/03/2023 08:03

I had a very similar situation a couple of years ago. I did end up having to go 'on holiday' with my little one whilst I tried to sort out what our lives would look like.

I hear what you're saying about your children being alone with him during contact time if you leave and how concerned you'd feel about this. I felt the same way and it almost stopped me leaving. But the priority just now is your and your children's immediate safety.

My gut was telling me I didn't feel safe. If yours is too, get out of there any way you can.

In my opinion, there is limited value in challenging him directly at this stage as he sounds very unwell. I did try with my husband at the time and said I felt unsafe and I thought he wasn't well. It didn't make any positive difference to his ability to seek help - the only positive from those conversations for me was that I witnessed him displaying unnerving grandiosity that further underlined my need to leave.

I think contacting your GP with your concerns is a good suggestion. I wish I'd done that as perhaps my ex-husband would have gotten immediate help.

It's not for today but just to let you know life is much better for me and my child on the other side of this period.

I'm thinking of you and hoping you and the kids are safe.

saraclara · 07/03/2023 08:03

@EyeEyeBoom please don't play him that recording. It's good that you made it in the sense that it might be useful for any doctor that he might see, but if you play it to him it could tip him massively over the brink.

SkankingWombat · 07/03/2023 08:04

OP this all sounds really serious. In your situation, I would be getting myself and DCs ready and out of the house as usual (to avoid raising suspicion), dropping them safely to school/nursery, then letting work know you won't be in this morning to give you time to seek help. Will his parents be at work or home? (I'm guessing they're somewhere around retirement age given yours and DH's grandad's ages) I think you need to have a chat with them. They have experience of what psychosis looks like and may hold more sway with DH given his disconnection from you. Hopefully they will be able to support you and DCs as well as provide DH with an 'impartial' and trusted voice. Then either with or without their help, you need to contact his GP.
I know your FIL is grieving, and this is a terrible time to have to land this on them, but he's reached a crisis and both you and him need help and support.

ShinyHappyTits · 07/03/2023 08:13

No advice for you op but just to say what an awful situation to be coping with by yourself. I really hope that he gets the help he clearly needs and you get some peace x

Bunce1 · 07/03/2023 08:18

Hope the gp can help you and you have some clarity this morning.

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 07/03/2023 08:22

Dita73 · 06/03/2023 22:43

Sounds like he needs sectioning. The way you describe him looking at you while you were bathing your children is a bit scary

That's quite a leap ....its really very difficult to be sectioned requiring a Dr and Mental Health Officer who would need a bit more than " he was looking at me strangely "

He sounds like an arse, who may also be depressed, but if he won't seek help then you don't have to stay and be verbally abused by him.

WilsonMilson · 07/03/2023 08:24

He sounds like someone who has never grown up, perpetually stuck in the angst of teenage hood, struggling for meaning. Like an overgrown Holden Caulfield in the Catcher in the Rye, seeing adults as ‘phoneys’, idealising the magic of childhood, and railing against the practicalities of life.
I think he needs mental help, this is a complex issue.

Original poster
EyeEyeBoom · 07/03/2023 08:27

I spoke to Mind last year when his verbal tics first became really pronounced and they said he needs to go to his GP and if I'm worried about him call the police or my local MH crisis team. They were nice enough but what else can they say?

I'll call the GP but imagine he will say he needs to come in

He hasn't threatened me or talked about hurting himself. Just to clarify that when he talked about the kids death it was the context of we will all die, we will all lose everyone we love.

I do find it hard to understand. I knew his granddad was about to die. We all did. And I'm very happy living life to the full and feel grateful for my kids and my health and everything. He says that's because I'm practical and pragmatic and he says we are so different these days (I think he thinks he's a deeper thinker - I think he thinks I'm happy because I'm stupid or something) - he feels "totally alone in this marriage" (what he said last night)

I can't see him getting help. He says me saying he needs help just makes him not want to tell me stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
EyeEyeBoom · 07/03/2023 08:31

He's gone to work as normal. He was actually being weirdly helpful...tidying away breakfast which he NEVER does. He's got a responsible job with the public.

OP posts:
northernlight20 · 07/03/2023 08:34

op, i dont want to scare you, but my exh had schizphrenia and it was horrific, i only found out about the diagnosis after having been with him for years and kids were involved, at one point, he would loom over me in bed just staring, it was terrifying, he refused help, kids were horrified. he hated me for whatever reason, then one day thankfully, he had an affair and left and it was the best day of my life. but staying for years has damaged my kids, they are upset with me for staying and putting them through his stresses especially when he refused all forms of help, so, please remove your kids from this environment. they will thank you for it like mine did recently.

frogsandtoads · 07/03/2023 08:35

Does he lack motivation in other areas or just housework? It could be a way to get out of mundane tasks or it could genuinely be his mind fixating on something he can control over the terrifying prospect of something he can’t (when we die) so his mind is basically distracting him.

northernlight20 · 07/03/2023 08:36

and having read all your updates, he sounds exactly like mine did. you end up thinking, oh, hes ok today, its not that bad and you think you can ride it out and everything will be ok and blink 10yrs has gone and everyone is mentally exhausted.

WisherWood · 07/03/2023 08:36

He definitely is also just lazy though. How to know what is MH and what is him being an arsehole?

I think the problem you've got is that he was a bit of a lazy, entitled arsehole but it now seems like he has serious MH problems developing. Don't beat yourself up about not being able to help him. He needs professional help but he also needs to admit to this, and there's the rub. Definitely speak to your GP to see what can be done. He may be a long way off from needing to be sectioned, I don't know. But you need professional help.

I would also get some advice re. separating unless and until he gets some help with his MH. The children will be better off being safe with you, than being around him.

Zone2NorthLondon · 07/03/2023 08:37

@Dita73 Needs sectioned.?You mean mental health assessment with doctor and an AMHP to assess for hospital admission Fortunately we have checks and balances it’s not so easy to get detained.plus you need to demonstrate least restrictive option and offer crisis team first

northernlight20 · 07/03/2023 08:38

unfortunately and speaking from experience, there is nothing the gp or any other health professional can or will do if he refuses help. they will only intervene if they feel hes a threat to himself or someone else.

creekingmillenial · 07/03/2023 08:42

Would he see a private therapist? Bit more ‘in your control’ than seeing a GP.

lovescats3 · 07/03/2023 08:43

It's a red flag that his brother has schizophrenia, if you are in doubt about yours or your children's safety you need to act

orion678 · 07/03/2023 08:43

When my family member was psychotic, they still went to work and seemed entirely functional. But when I talked to them, they were convinced there was some big conspiracy and I didn't know about it because I was somehow innocent, and there were angels and demons and my family member was stuck in some kind of struggle for their own soul. It was terrifying, both what they were saying and how real it felt to them. They felt betrayed when I told other family members what was going on, and resisted help initially. They ended up hospitalised for a few weeks and given antipsychotics, but - here's the good news - completely recovered without any further incidents. (This was over 20 years ago now)

Covidcabana · 07/03/2023 08:46

He hasn't threatened you but it also seems like you don't feel safe. These two things can exist simultaneously. I'd just say again to trust your gut.

My husband didn't threaten me but his concerning behaviour, paranoia and eventually repeatedly saying he'd die if he couldn't live with our child made me feel unsafe.

Sometimes we (especially as women) are so concerned with being 'fair' to someone we forget that our basic needs being met (like feeling safe and secure) need to be our top priority.

Like northernlight20, my husband was very good at masking and functioning in other areas of life, like his work which leads to confusion and apprehension on a day to day basis.