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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH just said something so awful/insane...

369 replies

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:10

He's depressed as his 93 year old grandad died last month and he says making him think he's going to die himself and its all for nothing

He's not been helping me with housework for years (before death of grandad)

Anyway we werr having a bit of a row and he just said to me

"I used to think you were actually magic. Like really maybe magic. Like it was you and me against "them". Our relationship transcended death. And now you just ask me to do more laundry and clean the bathroom. Practical, boring. And you're unhappy apparently because of these small unimportant things. You're not magic after all. You're just like them all"

This is pretty much word for word

He's unhinged isn't he?

OP posts:
UdoU · 07/03/2023 06:27

It doesn’t matter if it is MH. You need to prioritise yourself and the kids and leave him.

He’s not grieving at all, it’s just another stick to beat you with.

YukoandHiro · 07/03/2023 06:35

How are you all this morning OP.?
Only you will know if it's really bad. Talking to yourself can be normal - lots of people do it when alone and some don't even realise. If that's not a new thing I wouldn't worry.
But the magic stuff is odd, and the way you're describing him.
Keep a close eye on him.

MultipleVeganPies · 07/03/2023 06:36

I’d try to be soothing and comforting (like with a child), even apologise, whilst cold heartedly making an exit plan

you need out, your kids too

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 07/03/2023 06:45

lambsandlion · 06/03/2023 23:23

Sounds like a death of someone close has led him to question his own mortality, and therefore what he does/wants out of his own life. My partner does this soul-searching regularly and tells me he wishes it was like it was when we met and that all of our 'connection' has gone, and I used to be fun, outgoing etc. He is right, but life isn't magical all of the time, and I can't seem to change that.

Someone close?! He never visited his grandad once.

journeyofsanity · 07/03/2023 06:46

'I used to feel like magic too. Then all the drudgery of every day life got left to me and the space for magic disappeared. How do you think this could be resolved???'

Try that

journeyofsanity · 07/03/2023 06:48

I've just read all your posts. Yeah. He needs checking out. Talking to himself. Delusions of being different in a 'special' way? Schizophrenic brother. Yes. Please please talk to YOUR Gp about your concerns and see what can be done if dh is unwilling

Ineedapuppy · 07/03/2023 06:49

Start putting plans in place to leave. Get organised with paperwork, finance, key bits of info - you’ll be surprised how much this helps

Familiarise yours self with divorce process

speak to school / nursery when you are planning to leave

If you have the same GP I’d suggest speaking to them and raising your concerns, especially with regard to any ability to care for kids if left alone

keep a diary of this behaviour

Speak to your family.

TrinnySmith · 07/03/2023 06:54

As mentioned above, go to see your GP and describe the behaviour and you fears over leaving him.

User4891 · 07/03/2023 06:54

If I continue to try to talk to him, he may do something dangerous I feel. He wants to be left alone

It's clear that you don't feel safe around him. Whether he's mentally ill or not this isn't a safe or happy environment for you or your kids. Please do what's right and get away from him

itsabigtree · 07/03/2023 06:55

Can't believe how much sympathy he's getting from other posters.

This guy isn't living in reality and is using the death of someone he never visited to chastise his wife for asking for help around the home. The way he's speaking is also incredibly pretentious and cringeworthy. Maybe he does need some help, but he won't seek it.

Stravaig · 07/03/2023 06:57

It sounds like he's talking about the difference between being besottedly in love, and the reality of everyday relationship. The difference between the idealised projections of limerence, and the truth of who you really are.

It sounds like he feels alienated from the world and from people generally. He deified you as his ideal woman and especial ally. Now he's massively struggling as the humdrum work of day to day life intrudes.

He needs proper ongoing therapy, as soon as possible. His GP can refer him, but it will avoid waiting lists to go privately if you can afford to.

You need to make plans to leave, because this is a damaging and very unequal relationship with a man who has never properly seen you. Nor is it a healthy environment for your children, they will be absorbing and normalising all his negativity and grandiosity and paranoia, as well as the appalling way he treats you.

CowboyHat · 07/03/2023 07:01

journeyofsanity · 07/03/2023 06:48

I've just read all your posts. Yeah. He needs checking out. Talking to himself. Delusions of being different in a 'special' way? Schizophrenic brother. Yes. Please please talk to YOUR Gp about your concerns and see what can be done if dh is unwilling

Exactly this. OP, the schizophrenic brother is a huge drop feed. Schizophrenia has a genetic element and your husband is behaving very strangely. You need a plan to get yourself and the kids away safely.

Zone2NorthLondon · 07/03/2023 07:02

MySugarBabyLove · 06/03/2023 22:26

I’d be telling him that if he really thinks he’s depressed he either goes to see the GP or he can shut the fuck up.

Too many people claim to be depressed to justify them checking out of normal life and in many instances abusing those around them.

I have sympathy for anyone who is genuinely depressed and wants help to do something about it, but the term is thrown around to readily these days, and then people are expected to just walk on eggshells and put up with whatever treatment because “mental health”.

Been listening to the Andrew Tate?Pack it in with the bombastic nonsense.

MySugarBabyLove · 07/03/2023 07:05

RenegadeMasterx · 07/03/2023 03:15

OP you have gone from saying it's since his grandad died to saying he's needed long time support since covid. He's clearly struggling and probably in some sort of crisis. Get him some help instead of letting mumsnetters tell you he's a lazy c*nt that wants to get out of chores. How does any of you know what he's going through? All we know is the very small amount of info OP is telling us which is fluctuating anyway. God I'd hate to be any of your partners god forbid they was going through a rough patch!!

Well,going through some kind of crisis can make someone an abusive arsehole y’know.

Op has tried to get him to see the gp in the past but he refuses So at this point she needs to lookout for herself and her children.

I would seek professional help in terms of ensuring he couldn’t have access to the kids on the basis I feared he might harm them.and then I would get the fuck out.

It’s sad for him if he’s having some kind of crisis but mental illness isn’t a get-out,and nobody should feel they haveto be the victim of someone else’s mental heath problems.

ShimmeringShirts · 07/03/2023 07:07

Tbh he sounds terrifying, I’d get him out the house and not let him back until he’s spoken to the GP and underwent some kind of psychological assessment. He doesn’t sound safe for you or the children to be around.

Zone2NorthLondon · 07/03/2023 07:10

ShimmeringShirts · 07/03/2023 07:07

Tbh he sounds terrifying, I’d get him out the house and not let him back until he’s spoken to the GP and underwent some kind of psychological assessment. He doesn’t sound safe for you or the children to be around.

No. He needs assessment & treatment not chucked out his home on basis potential risk. @EyeEyeBoom is describing social withdrawal.decreased motivation,anhedonia,fluctuating mood. No risk to others inc the children has been described. At all.

knittingaddict · 07/03/2023 07:16

puddingandsun · 06/03/2023 23:03

He's poetic, you're practical. Don't know. Hard to say out of context but I don't think there's anything wrong with him as such.
People are allowed to view the world differently.
You know him better than anybody on here. Has he changed dramatically?

Gosh. Poetic? That's the first time I've heard it called that.

Op, either he is an abusive man who is trying to manipulate you or he's an abusive man trying to manipulate you who happens to have severe mental health issues. Whichever it is you need to think about you future. I don't think it should be with this man.

PrinceHaz · 07/03/2023 07:20

He’s rude, lazy and cruel. The reaction to a family death is a red herring, he’s just like this anyway.
I’d leave.

orion678 · 07/03/2023 07:22

Namechangedforthis60 · 07/03/2023 02:01

Hi OP, it’s difficult to assess from a mn post but I am a mental health nurse who works solely with people who have experienced first episode psychosis. There would be enough here from
what you have said to trigger an assessment from the equivalent of our “EI” team in your area. Please contact your GP or PCLS/crisis team in your area and state you are concerned about your DH mental state with reference to first episode psychosis. There is a national waiting times standard guideline which means he has to be seen by specialist professionals within 2 weeks (sounds like a long time but in the mental health world this is quick)
in the mean time he could access support from the local crisis team if the risk is deemed high enough. do you think he would be open to discussing his mental health with others? It is not uncommon for people to “mask” what they are experiencing. Depression can be a precursor to experiencing psychosis as well as
a life change which can be a trigger of sorts. A first degree relative with a “psychotic” condition would put him at higher risk of developing symptoms than the general public as well.

Ordinarily I am the first one to say that people who have a mental health condition are more at risk from others than to others but it’s quite clear that you are the focus of his anger. Please take steps to keep yourself and your children safe.

feel free to PM me if you’d like more advice - obviously I cannot make any medical recommendations- I could be any old person on the internet but I can offer advice with regards to the referral process etc.

Obviously, he could just be being an arsehole, but it is worth getting checked out. Even if it turns out he is not unwell - you then have more information about what you want to do going forward in the relationship.

@EyeEyeBoom in case you missed the quoted post overnight, @Namechangedforthis60 has offered some excellent advice. I've had a family member go through a psychotic episode and a lot of what you've said about your DH resonates with my experience. It's worth following the advice given here

Original poster
EyeEyeBoom · 07/03/2023 07:25

Thanks so much for all your advice.

All fine except so tired. Could not sleep for ages and then the little one was up at 6am. Getting kids ready for nursery and then work. I slept in my son's room. DH in bed being v quiet but sure he will get up and go to work in a minute.

Didn't meant to drip feed about the brother.

DH has been struggling for some time - verbal tics, talkign to himself, and disengaging sometimes - but all down to anxiety. He has invasive thoughts for some time and he promised to get help in 2023. But it was transcended death thing and the magic thing that has rocked me. I don't ever think I've worried about him losing his grip on reality - more than he just has negative thoughts quite a lot and he talks to himself when that happens.

I will call the GP though. And I'm make a record of it all. I did record some of it on my phone - i started to do that only becuase he says i talk too much and yet he was ranting away for ages so i wanted to prove to him that it is not me that talks too much! Is that bad though isn't it?

Do i talk to him about the death thing tonight? When i talk to him about stuff he has said i find worryig he also says i do it to 'catch up him out' or 'make him feel even worse'. He says "i trusted you with that and now you're using it aginst me" when all i'm doing is trying to talk about it.

i do think he might hate me. i found he had been looking at one bedroom flats to rent on rightmove. to be honest - and this probably sounds relaly bad - i don't feel i can help him. i feel so exhausted by him. and he's not that nice to me. he's hard to help. my kids need enough from me.

I find it weird that some people don't think that kind of talk is worrying. He really sounded like he meant literally that he thought our love would transcend death. i mean....I had no idea what is he was talking about.

Thanks for being so kind all .

OP posts:
Dredel · 07/03/2023 07:26

BraveGoldie · 06/03/2023 22:21

It sounds either like a real mental health challenge and/or a pretty heartfelt cry for what feels like a relationship that is dying or has died.

If you feel you still connect with him in a joyful, meaningful, fulfilling way then maybe it's more the former, and he needs support with his mh. If you feel a similar death in your relationship, then maybe it's about having the courage to actually hear what he is saying, without attacking him or bouncing it off.... acknowledging that you feel something similar... take a big breath and work out what to do about it.

Sorry OP. It sounds very hard either way.

This.

Original poster
EyeEyeBoom · 07/03/2023 07:26

thank you @Namechangedforthis60 - yes, thank you. i will message you.

OP posts:
HandlesFruit · 07/03/2023 07:29

Zone2NorthLondon · 07/03/2023 07:10

No. He needs assessment & treatment not chucked out his home on basis potential risk. @EyeEyeBoom is describing social withdrawal.decreased motivation,anhedonia,fluctuating mood. No risk to others inc the children has been described. At all.

Show quote history

Plus paranoid delusions and rage, with OP scared to go to bed last night. I agree it sounds like he is very unwell but OP also needs to think of her safety and that of her DC.

The odds of developing schizophrenia in someone with a first degree relative with schizophrenia are one in ten. It’s really important that OP takes this seriously.

Anniegetyourgun · 07/03/2023 07:32

I don't believe it's grief. It's the shock of someone he was closely related to dying - the effect on himself, not on the one who died. Doesn't matter how expected it was or whether he even liked the person. Mortality has come calling and it's thrown him into a full spin. It sounds as though he was circling that particular drain for a while already, to be honest.

To those who keep saying get the poor man some help, OP did explain she has tried but he resists, as he seems to believe it's the rest of the world (including her) that needs fixing. I don't think she is in a position to force him to allow himself to be helped; she can only look after herself and DC in this situation.

Anniegetyourgun · 07/03/2023 07:37

Or, what everybody above, including the OP, had time to say while I was taking so long composing a message Blush