My DH just said something so awful/insane...

[EyeEyeBoom]

He's depressed as his 93 year old grandad died last month and he says making him think he's going to die himself and its all for nothing

He's not been helping me with housework for years (before death of grandad)

Anyway we werr having a bit of a row and he just said to me

"I used to think you were actually magic. Like really maybe magic. Like it was you and me against "them". Our relationship transcended death. And now you just ask me to do more laundry and clean the bathroom. Practical, boring. And you're unhappy apparently because of these small unimportant things. You're not magic after all. You're just like them all"

This is pretty much word for word

He's unhinged isn't he?

OP I hope you manage some sleep tonight. I'd get up and ready with the kids etc as normal tomorrow, leave the house (ideally with an overnight bag if possible just in case it's needed). Drop the kids at nursery or wherever they are while you're at work, and make some calls.

Make this evening the last evening you live like this.

Ive had this dawning realisation before that random strangers are scared for me and it's been a reality check. It's like a boiled frog scenario, and other people's concern alerts you to the fact you're in peril. I really feel for you.

Also, I instantly knew why you were worried life would be worse for the kids and was surprised others didn't realise what you meant. Honestly that's a bridge to cross a little way down the line. Start as you mean to go on by getting EVERYTHING in writing/logged. With childcare/school, with GP, with 111, with anyone and everyone really. Make calls, send emails, etc. I agree it's highly likely he won't want to do a huge bulk of parenting. Get legal advice on this once you're safe though.

And living in this atmosphere isn't good for them either. They WILL pick up on soon much more than you realise. As long as you are safe and happy they will follow suit. Kids are so adaptable and will benefit from a home without this malevolent and lazy presence talking to himself and having waves of rage coming off him. 😔

The next 24 hours you and the kids need to be safe and he needs intervention.

All of this
My narc ex behaved like this, it was a way to manipulate me to change my behaviour.
I wasn't allowed to be down around him because it was apparently an attack on him, so I slapped on a smile whilst dying inside.
Seriously. LTB. You'll be so much better off.

You won't be able to find out what's reality and what's mental health until his 'baseline' is recalibrated- it sounds like he really needs help and he's definitely delusional.

Are you safe, OP? if you genuinely feel you aren't, is there any family you and the kids can stay with?

@Pheefifofuckthisshit "I instantly knew why you were worried life would be worse for the kids and was surprised others didn't realise what you meant."

I didn't get it at first, I see what you mean. I hope you are now in a safe place too.

I have never been as concerned about the physical safety of any other op in all the years I've been on MN. I am genuinely worried for you, and I wish you would get yourself and your kids away from him.

I feel the same. Keep checking back on here. Hoping OP is either speaking with police or nhs or sleeping safely.

So this is tricky because it's hard to tell how much of this is him being him and how much of it is him being unwell. The comments he's making and the lack of personal care are definitely markers for schizophrenia and I would be very worried. It sounds like he needs a mental health assessment. But you can't force him into this.

At the crux of this you need to decide if he's acting like the partner and the parent you need in order to be a family. If he's not then I'd suggest that he or you and the kids stay elsewhere for a time until he is willing to get support and engage with it properly. I'd look into what support you have from family etc and tbh I would in your mind make a plan of what you'd do if things soured further and he became violent or scary to you in any way so you have a plan to get yourself and your children out in a rush if you need to. It may be that you can't be with him until he is in a healthier place in himself and that's not to say you don't love or support him but if you can't leave your children safely with him then he needs to take responsibility for himself and step up in that respect. I'm so sorry you're going through that. It sounds like his grandads death has triggered something for him but his glaring at you and blaming you for normal things and the ideas that people are against you both but now you don't understand him, that could signal that he may be centering a delusion around you which means you will not be the person best placed to help him which is really hard to accept.

That's weird, as if he finds housework boring, why does he think she wants to do it all herself? Does he not think about making her do the boring things herself makes her feel resentful towards him?
How can he be so depressed for a grandparent dying in their 90s, as if he doesn't realise they had done well to reach such an age?

Doesn't complaining about housework and assuming she's going to do it all for him without having feelings about it herself, make him still mentally a child?

Shouldn't he be happy his grandparent reached such a grand age, many years over the average lifespan, so he had many years to celebrate of his life?

>>He often asks things about the news like "what is really going on there?" About normal stuff.<<

I say that all the time. I'm only just waking up to the fact that most news is propaganda and all most people care about is what they're told. Like how everybody is flying flags for a certain country, but nobody cares all the people suffering in Afghanistan under the Taliban since a certain superpower just gave up there, because the powers that be don't want us to care.
Just an example.

Hi OP, it’s difficult to assess from a mn post but I am a mental health nurse who works solely with people who have experienced first episode psychosis. There would be enough here from
what you have said to trigger an assessment from the equivalent of our “EI” team in your area. Please contact your GP or PCLS/crisis team in your area and state you are concerned about your DH mental state with reference to first episode psychosis. There is a national waiting times standard guideline which means he has to be seen by specialist professionals within 2 weeks (sounds like a long time but in the mental health world this is quick)
in the mean time he could access support from the local crisis team if the risk is deemed high enough. do you think he would be open to discussing his mental health with others? It is not uncommon for people to “mask” what they are experiencing. Depression can be a precursor to experiencing psychosis as well as
a life change which can be a trigger of sorts. A first degree relative with a “psychotic” condition would put him at higher risk of developing symptoms than the general public as well.

Ordinarily I am the first one to say that people who have a mental health condition are more at risk from others than to others but it’s quite clear that you are the focus of his anger. Please take steps to keep yourself and your children safe.

feel free to PM me if you’d like more advice - obviously I cannot make any medical recommendations- I could be any old person on the internet but I can offer advice with regards to the referral process etc.

Obviously, he could just be being an arsehole, but it is worth getting checked out. Even if it turns out he is not unwell - you then have more information about what you want to do going forward in the relationship.

OP, I don’t think you or your children are safe in that house with him. He sounds like he’s having a real MH crisis and with all the focus on death, including the death of your children, I don’t think you can safely stay there. Get out until he seeks help.

He sounds like my dad. Is he a conspiracy theorist? My mum and I always disagreed. I thought schizophrenic, she thought narcissistic personality disorder.

OP you have gone from saying it's since his grandad died to saying he's needed long time support since covid. He's clearly struggling and probably in some sort of crisis. Get him some help instead of letting mumsnetters tell you he's a lazy c*nt that wants to get out of chores. How does any of you know what he's going through? All we know is the very small amount of info OP is telling us which is fluctuating anyway. God I'd hate to be any of your partners god forbid they was going through a rough patch!!

You don’t have to put up with this regardless of him perhaps being unwell and if he’s not going to make a move to sort himself out then you need to be thinking of making life better for yourself.

Hmm, I think whether he’s just a common or garden abusive arsehole who thought it was nicer when he didn’t have to think that housework actually needed doing by a perfect woman who waved her magic wand over it all therefore making him also a magical deserving god of men VS he has untreated mental health issues that may be a danger to the rest of the family and he’s refusing to get help for - either way you should likely leave him for the well-being if you and the kids. And maybe his well-being too, seeing as he’s obviously unhappy.

He sounds awful. Manipulative, selfish and nasty. How much “magic” do you experience doing his dirty washing & housework? Listening to him insulting you? It’s time to make him magically disappear.

Is there somewhere you could stay with the kids? At best, he's manipulative and controlling. Worst-case scenario is that he's a danger to you all.

Totally this. Not unhinged, but a useless CF. Yeah he thought you were magic because you were happy to be his slave. Ugh. LTB.

I normally wouldn’t comment on threads like this OP because I don’t really feel qualified but as someone who deals with the aftermath of situations like this (indirectly) then please listen to the advice above.

I strongly feel that you and the children are not safe. Please don’t minimise what is happening. Get yourself and the kids away from him and get him some help.

Admittedly I've only read all of your posts OP and not the whole thread so I'm only assuming what I'm about to say is going against most.

The stuff about transcending death, magic, you both against them... I didn't read any of those things in particular and think "wtf?". In fact those things made perfect sense to me. Clearly there are other issues present with regards to not helping with the house work, etc but I'm more focused on these phrases which you/?others find strange/concerning. He sounds depressed for sure, but I say that for all of the other reasons that aren't his comments in your OP. Saying something not everyone would say doesn't make you clinically unwell by default.

Your DH is either beginning to have paranoid delusions associated with schizophrenia or perhaps he has a schizohreniform personality disorder. They are both similar and related. Both genetic. I think he needs urgent help and I don’t think that your kids need to be around someone who is oozing rage at their mother. (Or a lazy role model and an exhausted, resentful mother regardless of the mental health of the father.) He needs help and you need to get in touch with your GP and ask for a referral to a MH crisis care unit. His magical thinking and references to death are really disturbing.

I think you should be getting some urgent help and advice op for, your GP. I cannot imagine how difficult this must feel to you.

How to know what is MH and what is him being an arsehole?

Ot doesn’t matter any more. All you need to know is this is intolerable and your children are being exposed to abusive behaviour.

This all sounds absolutely chilling. He sounds like he has MH problems, and yes, he can at the same time be an absolute arsehole.

I think you should get yourself and the kids away from him.