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Original poster

Are all men getting stingy and grumpy pass 55?

131 replies

flarefit · 06/03/2023 17:25

DP v high earner (over £150k) couple of credit cards but not much on them, his own house 3 years mortgage left. I am part time at the moment due to personal circumstances/ health. His house is being rented and we rent another place where we live. I never wanted to move into his house as it needs major refurb and it is where he was with his previous family. When we got together (7y ago) he promised me we will start a family. I was 33 then, he was 50. Now I am 40, he is 57. Nothing happened. He changed, doesn't want new family, wants to get back to his house but doesn't want to refurbish there so it would mean me cooking in his ex wife's kitchen which is dated and I do not like it. It would make me feel awful to live somewhere where he was raising kids with his ex but doesn't want children with me. I am in a bit of a limbo financially but also I suspect that he was hoping for a free housekeeper. He doesn't help around house at the moment as he thinks if I work part time I can catch up with household to top up my worth. I do all the housework, shopping, cooking and even if I ask him for some help he starts an argument. He became very unpleasant in last couple of years and it doesn't look good. He only speaks about money even though earns a lot. Doesn't want to spend anything, we have not been away on holiday for 6 years. He moans that he doesn't have a car, we drive mine I don't mind but he wants a big 4x4 which tbh in current climate makes no sense. He moans what other people have and he doesn't. I fear suggesting any trips or even days out as for him pizza is an extravaganza. When we got together we used to go to nice restaurants and bars, I was able to dress up and feel all feminine. Now it is just boring. I am a bit confused how now when he earns the most he became so tight whilst before he was very generous. He runs spreadsheets for everything, calculates everything, talks only about money. I am just so so bored. Are all men that age so boring, grumpy and tight? I started thinking it will never change, only get worse and I guess I do not want such life. I really feel he has me as his housekeeper and future carer. Wonder what you think? Is this normal for men that age with younger partners? I often see mature guys really trying their best with younger women so they don't leave them; here it is opposite.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 06/03/2023 17:31

I can't see anything here suggesting that you like him and want to spend time with him (can't blame you). I'd just break up. It sounds unlikely that you'll have kids with him and I hope you weren't desperately hoping for that.

My partner isn't tight but it wouldn't matter, I earn my own money. Can you focus a bit more on your own finances and your own preferences?

UnePetitDeKelvin · 06/03/2023 17:32

People on salaries like that usually have that sort of drive to earn money, it comes with the green eyed monster, the desire to earn more and the desire for 'better' things.
Not all men are grumpy tight buggers at that age, personally I think he sounds horrid and Id be binning him at the drop of a hat.

wheretonow123 · 06/03/2023 17:36

No, not all men become stingy and grumpy over 55 or over 60 for that matter. Could this have been triggered by his marriage breakup and his need to suport his other family financially?

billy1966 · 06/03/2023 17:36

My goodness but he really has made a complete skivvy out of you while wasting years of your fertility.

No all men are most certainly not like that.

You have just been played and used by absolute scum.

He is absolutely not going to change, but get much worse.

Find some self respect, move out and do not waste any more years on scum.

You deserve so much better than this.

He is a dishonest liar that has led you up the path deliberately.

Get out now.

80s · 06/03/2023 17:41

Does it matter how normal it is? It's what he is like. Or are you weighing up whether you can get a better older partner if you dump him? If so, well yes, lots of men of any age are lazy sods. But far from all of them. My bf is 58, he's generous, considerate, respectful, cleans up after himself.

Oopstheregoesanotherrubbertreeplant · 06/03/2023 17:42

All the single men I know around that age are tight fisted and grumpy. The married ones not so much.

NomadicSpirit · 06/03/2023 17:44

£150k and he's not taken you on holiday? If I were you I would bin the old (compared to you) sod because he is not going to get more active nor any more cheery.

And no, not all men are stingy and grumpy over 55. Tired maybe, but that's an age thing.

ditalini · 06/03/2023 17:45

No this isn't normal, but it was a stretch to believe a 50 year old would want a baby tbh. I'm sorry you've wasted 7 years on him.

He doesn't sound nice. It doesn't sound like you're having a good time. It doesn't sound like you like him really. Move on.

80s · 06/03/2023 17:47

I often see mature guys really trying their best with younger women so they don't leave them; here it is opposite.
Hm, how long do they try, though? My ex had a younger gf after me, but after a few years I can only presume that he stopped making an effort and went back to his normal self, as she dumped him. My ex also told this gf that he wanted nothing more than to have a third child with her. To me, however, he was saying how weird he found it when people over 50 had a child, and how he didn't want to start that again at his age. Children are expensive. When you've got past the age of supporting them financially, and can easily fulfil that dream of a flash car, why would you take on that responsibility and cost again?

MichelleScarn · 06/03/2023 17:53

How part time are you? Have you had the conversation that when you go back to work full time (are you planning to?) he'll need to take on equal share of household tasks?
Are you doing a fair percentage division of household costs at the moment?

Onemorewaferthinmint · 06/03/2023 17:57

He’s probably tight by nature but given his age he might be thinking of retiring. Or winding down. Clearly there’s something going on in the way he is thinking about what he earns.

I don’t think you can generalise about men over 55. It does sound like you need to think about your own expectations and what you want from a partner.

Dacadactyl · 06/03/2023 17:58

Well personally I'd never have forgiven him after his "I'll have a child with you" bollocks, while running your clock down in the way he has.

He's no catch, he's not married you and he's not generous with his money. Granted you work PT so I assume he does put more into the pot than you. However, I'd be thinking of leaving him in your shoes.

I think you made a catastrophic mistake aged 33 by shacking up with a man in his position. Good luck.

Cullenskink · 06/03/2023 17:58

My DH is twenty years older than me; just hitting his seventies. He is the kindest, most respectful and caring man I’ve ever known and is definitely never grumpy with me…we both grump at the news etc but never each other.
I feel you have unresolved processing of emotions regarding your DH change of heart around children, very understandably, but please know that age does not automatically result in what your DH is like.

Original poster
flarefit · 06/03/2023 17:58

80s · 06/03/2023 17:47

I often see mature guys really trying their best with younger women so they don't leave them; here it is opposite.
Hm, how long do they try, though? My ex had a younger gf after me, but after a few years I can only presume that he stopped making an effort and went back to his normal self, as she dumped him. My ex also told this gf that he wanted nothing more than to have a third child with her. To me, however, he was saying how weird he found it when people over 50 had a child, and how he didn't want to start that again at his age. Children are expensive. When you've got past the age of supporting them financially, and can easily fulfil that dream of a flash car, why would you take on that responsibility and cost again?

I think to answer you question and how I thought/ still think - if a mature adult man enters a meaningful relationship with a woman age 33 who expresses her desire to have a family and he agrees to that - this should be enough to start. He seemed to be ok with that for all these years - yes I admit there were always reasons why it wasn't a good time just yet but I was patient and considerate. Now getting to the answer - why take that responsibility of raising a child again? well because 7 y ago you told this woman that you love her and that this is what you want, because if you do indeed have a plan to have a much younger carer there has to be something in this for her - give and take, bending, flexing etc in this case a baby. She told you day one she wants a family, it is her absolute priority and a reason she entered this relationship. If you told her you do not want family as you already got adult kids and you want cars and slippers then she could have gone with someone else. I feel I got misled. When I wrote 'you' I did not mean you personally - I was referring to a male or one. Sorry if unclear just typing fast.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 06/03/2023 18:01

No offence OP, but I think 7 years ago he wanted to have sex with a 33 year old when he was 50. And he'd have said anything you wanted to hear to ensure you stayed and gave it to him.

Netcam · 06/03/2023 18:06

That sounds awful. My DH is 52 and lovely, he earns much less than yours but still is the main provider, even though he is a step parent to my teens and has no children of his own. This enables me to work part time and because of that I do more in the house, but he still always makes sure he contributes to household tasks. We have had lots of holidays over the years and he is saving for us to have a big retirement trip round the world one day. I realise I am incredibly fortunate and he is nice to spend time with too. But you deserve better, I don't see a future for you here, you still have time to find someone who treats you well and who you could potentially have children with.

PermanentTemporary · 06/03/2023 18:07

Yes. I absolutely think he did mislead you. Men do lie about wanting more kids at times. I believe men who think women get pregnant to 'trap' men do this, because they judge you by their own standards - they lie to get what they want so they don't expect you to be honest and wait.

flossielily · 06/03/2023 18:07

have you heard of low testosterone? causes a kind of male menopause which matches all the grumpy symptoms you explain. Might be worth considering. Common at this age.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 06/03/2023 18:07

What did you see in a 50 year old man at 33?

The way you talk “there has to be something in this for her” is frankly disturbing. A child should be wanted by both parents not reluctantly given by one as some sort of bizarre trade off!

80s · 06/03/2023 18:15

I'm also afraid that he simply told you what you wanted to hear, like my ex told his younger gf. She was also 40 and childless when she dumped him.

2bazookas · 06/03/2023 18:17

No, this is not usual in middle aged men. Breaking news, you and himself have a weird sad and dismal relationship.

Ofcourseshecan · 06/03/2023 18:19

Why not tell him it's over unless you start seriously trying for a baby, OP? Otherwise, why stay with this grumpy and exploitative old miser?

I would be much inclined to do my best to get pregnant anyway, and leave him after the baby's born if he continues to be such a misery. ( I know a lot of people think that's a bad thing to do, but he has been future-faking you all this time.)

Best of luck, OP. Either way, I hope it works out well for you.

Dredel · 06/03/2023 18:21

They do say at 60 men sit down and women get up!

GreekDogRescue · 06/03/2023 18:22

He sounds an absolute selfish miserly monster.

IntentionalError · 06/03/2023 18:23

OP, nothing you have written indicates that you have any affection for this man, or that you even like him, never mind love him. So why are you still with him?

Let’s not be naive here. Relationships between wealthy older men and attractive much younger women can and do work when both parties are getting what they want. In this case, it is obvious that you feel misled by him and your needs are not being met. He is not going to give you what you want from life. So, again, why are you still with him?