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Original poster

Are all men getting stingy and grumpy pass 55?

131 replies

flarefit · 06/03/2023 17:25

DP v high earner (over £150k) couple of credit cards but not much on them, his own house 3 years mortgage left. I am part time at the moment due to personal circumstances/ health. His house is being rented and we rent another place where we live. I never wanted to move into his house as it needs major refurb and it is where he was with his previous family. When we got together (7y ago) he promised me we will start a family. I was 33 then, he was 50. Now I am 40, he is 57. Nothing happened. He changed, doesn't want new family, wants to get back to his house but doesn't want to refurbish there so it would mean me cooking in his ex wife's kitchen which is dated and I do not like it. It would make me feel awful to live somewhere where he was raising kids with his ex but doesn't want children with me. I am in a bit of a limbo financially but also I suspect that he was hoping for a free housekeeper. He doesn't help around house at the moment as he thinks if I work part time I can catch up with household to top up my worth. I do all the housework, shopping, cooking and even if I ask him for some help he starts an argument. He became very unpleasant in last couple of years and it doesn't look good. He only speaks about money even though earns a lot. Doesn't want to spend anything, we have not been away on holiday for 6 years. He moans that he doesn't have a car, we drive mine I don't mind but he wants a big 4x4 which tbh in current climate makes no sense. He moans what other people have and he doesn't. I fear suggesting any trips or even days out as for him pizza is an extravaganza. When we got together we used to go to nice restaurants and bars, I was able to dress up and feel all feminine. Now it is just boring. I am a bit confused how now when he earns the most he became so tight whilst before he was very generous. He runs spreadsheets for everything, calculates everything, talks only about money. I am just so so bored. Are all men that age so boring, grumpy and tight? I started thinking it will never change, only get worse and I guess I do not want such life. I really feel he has me as his housekeeper and future carer. Wonder what you think? Is this normal for men that age with younger partners? I often see mature guys really trying their best with younger women so they don't leave them; here it is opposite.

OP posts:
Original poster
flarefit · 06/03/2023 22:20

@xfan awful, absolutelu awful. Betrayed, misled. the feeling he had children with another woman and lied to me he wanted with me but then kept running excuses for 7 years. Awful.

Answering others why am I in this? I fallen ill and was not able to work, had savings took a break and now coming back to workforce part time whilst gaining qualifications in my field, so I am developing myself. I wanted to create opportunities for myself and for us and our future combined income. All this whilst he is contemplating fatherhood (NOT!)

OP posts:
Annabelnextdoor · 06/03/2023 22:27

Op. Do you really see a future with this man? You are still young. You can build a new life.
He has misled you deliberately. He will age and he sees you as his future nurse, whilst not having to give or compromise on anything.

Catoo · 06/03/2023 22:34

flarefit · 06/03/2023 22:07

Mind you we had sex 3 years ago and were still not living in his house so these are only pathetic excuses I do realise that. Or another one that affects his sex drive is the fact that the blinds we currently have are not black outs and in his house he has blackouts. He doesn't like the gas hob we have because in his house he has electric which he prefers, also the wind if blows in certain direction brings the noise of far away motorway. We live near a beautiful park only birds and trees, no noise. The excuses are just beyond belief.

Someone earlier mentioned that surely I should have tried to conceive at 33. Well of course but back then 'it wasn't the right time' every time was not the right time. fast forward 6 years it is still not good time because to have a child it is best to live in his house. And what conceive in his marital bed? Sorry just overwhelmed and upset by it all. You are all right in your comments. I am just a one stupid naive woman. Your comments made me realise that.

7 years of hope vs lies and manipulation.

I’m so sorry OP. Him withdrawing a physical relationship is just another thing to add to the list of ways he is trying to end this.

I think you need to move on and I know that really is easier said than done. But don’t waste any more time with this man.

There is a better life waiting out there for you! Go and get it!!
xx

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 06/03/2023 22:34

This reads like a story of people who don't love or even like each other at all and are too... passive? lazy? scared? to call time.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/03/2023 22:35

Why have you stayed with him for the past two years op?

You've said you've been miserable, and you dislike him, so why stay?

arethereanyleftatall · 06/03/2023 22:37

Sorry, just read your last update. Money.

PhantomOfTheAquarium · 06/03/2023 22:49

IntentionalError · 06/03/2023 18:23

OP, nothing you have written indicates that you have any affection for this man, or that you even like him, never mind love him. So why are you still with him?

Let’s not be naive here. Relationships between wealthy older men and attractive much younger women can and do work when both parties are getting what they want. In this case, it is obvious that you feel misled by him and your needs are not being met. He is not going to give you what you want from life. So, again, why are you still with him?

Exactly this. And to be brutally honest, he is most likely looking for a younger woman whose affection he can buy as he did before leaving his ex-wife.

ArcticSkewer · 06/03/2023 22:49

arethereanyleftatall · 06/03/2023 22:37

Sorry, just read your last update. Money.

pretty much hey

Zanatdy · 07/03/2023 06:48

I wouldn’t put up with this, what’s the point in the relationship? You should have left years ago when you were younger and more likely to meet someone who did want a family

AIBUNoNo · 07/03/2023 07:58

@flarefit You need to start being honest with yourself.

You are blaming the man but honestly, you chose to give him 7 years. You weren't forced to stay. If you had really wanted a family, it's odd that at 38, when sex stopped, you didn't leave him then.

Just because he never said 'I don't want more kids' you should have used your own judgment and called time far sooner.

Money was the first thing you mentioned in your post. It doesn't matter if he earns £25K or £150K - that's not why your relationship isn't working.

I hope you manage to get work, move out and start a new life for yourself.

DuvetDownn · 07/03/2023 08:07

You need in be in charge of your own life. Stay with him and I guarantee he’ll screw you over when he dies.

liveforsummer · 07/03/2023 08:12

Oopstheregoesanotherrubbertreeplant · 06/03/2023 17:42

All the single men I know around that age are tight fisted and grumpy. The married ones not so much.

I was going to say similar. I'm sure there are plenty lovely, generous men this age but they are likely to be married long term. Men like you describe are single at that age for good reason! Sounds like a bit of initial love bombing went on

Greenfairydust · 07/03/2023 08:30

He was always too old for you and had no intention to start a family.

He sounds unpleasant and you should not waste more time in him.

I am not clear as to why you found him attractive in the first place...

AIBUNoNo · 07/03/2023 08:35

Do you have friends and family? Parents ?
Have they not spoken to you about this and you to them?

I'd imagine my friends would have told me to leave years ago if this was my life.

When you met him, how were you living then? Renting? Being independent?
Did you give anything up or was he offering more than you could provide for yourself? Was that the pull?

Oarty · 07/03/2023 08:38

55 is when the wheels fall off

duckfordinner · 07/03/2023 08:38

Dacadactyl · 06/03/2023 18:01

No offence OP, but I think 7 years ago he wanted to have sex with a 33 year old when he was 50. And he'd have said anything you wanted to hear to ensure you stayed and gave it to him.

This...

AIBUNoNo · 07/03/2023 08:40

Well of course but back then 'it wasn't the right time' every time was not the right time. fast forward 6 years it is still not good time because to have a child it is best to live in his house. And what conceive in his marital bed?

This confusing.

Is he saying yes, to a child, but only live in his house? That makes sense as why rent when he has a perfectly nice home?

Or are you saying he wants to move back to his house (marital home) and you don't want that?

The comment about the marital bed is just ridiculous.

How long does it take two adults to go out and buy a new bed?
Surely he'd understand that you didn't want to sleep in an old bed used by him and his wife?

AIBUNoNo · 07/03/2023 08:42

Oarty · 07/03/2023 08:38

55 is when the wheels fall off

Ageist or what?

ladykale · 07/03/2023 08:42

wheretonow123 · 06/03/2023 17:36

No, not all men become stingy and grumpy over 55 or over 60 for that matter. Could this have been triggered by his marriage breakup and his need to suport his other family financially?

This was my first thought

LuckyDipForTheEuro · 07/03/2023 08:46

I'm in my 40s, partner late 50s been together 8 years and he treats me like an absolute queen. And he's not on 150k, more like 30k. He has literally given me the shirt off his back (when hiking). You have unfortunately just landed a stingy bastard. Get rid! There's plenty of lovely generous men out there.

Nosandwichfilling · 07/03/2023 08:47

DH is almost 55 we spent time making up a funny but rather evil song at the weekend. Not miserable at all.

You got together with a man who is old enough to be your Father in theory and who had already done the kids thing. He never had any intention I very much think he is a absolute git that saw you very much as a trophy GF. Sort of look at me I can still pull a really young woman.

It is over and sadly now it will be harder to find someone to settle and have children with though not impossible.

ladykale · 07/03/2023 08:47

You sound like you were with him for money

ClownpantsKate · 07/03/2023 08:52

That he kept the marital home and the marital furniture tells that likes to come out financially on top!

LadyEloise1 · 07/03/2023 08:53

billy1966 · 06/03/2023 17:36

My goodness but he really has made a complete skivvy out of you while wasting years of your fertility.

No all men are most certainly not like that.

You have just been played and used by absolute scum.

He is absolutely not going to change, but get much worse.

Find some self respect, move out and do not waste any more years on scum.

You deserve so much better than this.

He is a dishonest liar that has led you up the path deliberately.

Get out now.

Sadly I agree with the above.
The thing that jumps out at me is the wasting of your fertility.
You wanted children.
You waited and he has changed his mind. Sad
Does he have dc himself ?
If I were you I would get out of that relationship now.
You deserve better.

PlainSkyr · 07/03/2023 08:54

Why are you wasting the best years of your life with this man? Find someone younger who wants to have a family with you and isn't in stingy/grumpy mode. I don't see any reason why you are with this much older man at all.

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