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Original poster

Are all men getting stingy and grumpy pass 55?

131 replies

flarefit · 06/03/2023 17:25

DP v high earner (over £150k) couple of credit cards but not much on them, his own house 3 years mortgage left. I am part time at the moment due to personal circumstances/ health. His house is being rented and we rent another place where we live. I never wanted to move into his house as it needs major refurb and it is where he was with his previous family. When we got together (7y ago) he promised me we will start a family. I was 33 then, he was 50. Now I am 40, he is 57. Nothing happened. He changed, doesn't want new family, wants to get back to his house but doesn't want to refurbish there so it would mean me cooking in his ex wife's kitchen which is dated and I do not like it. It would make me feel awful to live somewhere where he was raising kids with his ex but doesn't want children with me. I am in a bit of a limbo financially but also I suspect that he was hoping for a free housekeeper. He doesn't help around house at the moment as he thinks if I work part time I can catch up with household to top up my worth. I do all the housework, shopping, cooking and even if I ask him for some help he starts an argument. He became very unpleasant in last couple of years and it doesn't look good. He only speaks about money even though earns a lot. Doesn't want to spend anything, we have not been away on holiday for 6 years. He moans that he doesn't have a car, we drive mine I don't mind but he wants a big 4x4 which tbh in current climate makes no sense. He moans what other people have and he doesn't. I fear suggesting any trips or even days out as for him pizza is an extravaganza. When we got together we used to go to nice restaurants and bars, I was able to dress up and feel all feminine. Now it is just boring. I am a bit confused how now when he earns the most he became so tight whilst before he was very generous. He runs spreadsheets for everything, calculates everything, talks only about money. I am just so so bored. Are all men that age so boring, grumpy and tight? I started thinking it will never change, only get worse and I guess I do not want such life. I really feel he has me as his housekeeper and future carer. Wonder what you think? Is this normal for men that age with younger partners? I often see mature guys really trying their best with younger women so they don't leave them; here it is opposite.

OP posts:
Oarty · 07/03/2023 08:54

@AIBUNoNo I'm so sorry - I was actually being totally ironic. I hate admitting this because I'm in a relationship - but fact is I've got a bit of a crush on a 55 year old - he was born in February'68 - he's actually lean, handsome and virile - he's got a great physique - and wears very fitted clothes that show off his very lean physique - looks as if he spends a lot of time in the gym although he's lean and wiry , not muscly. I made that comment 'cos I've currently got a hopeless crush on a 55 year old and can't seem to dampen it. He turned 55 a few weeks ago and we went out to celebrate his birthday - he's a friend of my boyfriend's brother - and I realise I've been thinking about him too much since - he's hot and charismatic.

So when I said '55 is when the wheels fall off' - it was actually a reaction me me having a crush on a 55 year old that I can't but should extinguish as I'm in a relationship. Of course you weren't to know that - but the reason I said it is because I actually find a particular 55 year old hot - and being in relationship with someone else, I shouldn't.

If I was single though .. bloody hell .. I'd love to get physical with him!

Sorry if I offended anyone, j didn't mean it.

JustKeepGoingThere · 07/03/2023 08:59

He probably knows that the relationship has failed and that you have only stayed because of illness.

You need to split up. It will only get worse for you both.

Oarty · 07/03/2023 08:59

I made a jokey/ironic comment a few posts ago but actually I've got a crush currently on a 55 year old - so far from grumpy/stingy - Jm seeing 55 year olds through rose tinted spectacles at the moment. The 55 year old I'm attracted to has a lean physique and good looks that are realistically superior to lots of men in their 20s. So because of my current crush I feel that every 55 e year old has at least the potential to be hot like him. So this is my honest opinion of 55 year old men !

Aphrathestorm · 07/03/2023 09:04

You need to leave yesterday.

If you still want DCs get to the sperm bank asap.

LadyEloise1 · 07/03/2023 09:04

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 06/03/2023 18:25

I think he has lied and stolen from you. He has stolen your time, he has stolen your ability to find a better partner during your fertile years, he's still stealing your labour and emotional energy. He's even using your car when he could afford one of his own, so that's extra wear and tear that will cost you money at some stage.

He was generous at the start because he was investing in his future, wining and dining you was just baiting a hook and now he feels he's caught you there's no reason to do anything for you. It's now all about how useful you are to him. Dump him, he doesn't even like you let alone love you.

This 💯
Great post @BlackAmericanoNoSugar

RudsyFarmer · 07/03/2023 09:09

So you gave up your fertile years for this man?

HaggisBurger · 07/03/2023 09:10

flarefit · 06/03/2023 17:25

DP v high earner (over £150k) couple of credit cards but not much on them, his own house 3 years mortgage left. I am part time at the moment due to personal circumstances/ health. His house is being rented and we rent another place where we live. I never wanted to move into his house as it needs major refurb and it is where he was with his previous family. When we got together (7y ago) he promised me we will start a family. I was 33 then, he was 50. Now I am 40, he is 57. Nothing happened. He changed, doesn't want new family, wants to get back to his house but doesn't want to refurbish there so it would mean me cooking in his ex wife's kitchen which is dated and I do not like it. It would make me feel awful to live somewhere where he was raising kids with his ex but doesn't want children with me. I am in a bit of a limbo financially but also I suspect that he was hoping for a free housekeeper. He doesn't help around house at the moment as he thinks if I work part time I can catch up with household to top up my worth. I do all the housework, shopping, cooking and even if I ask him for some help he starts an argument. He became very unpleasant in last couple of years and it doesn't look good. He only speaks about money even though earns a lot. Doesn't want to spend anything, we have not been away on holiday for 6 years. He moans that he doesn't have a car, we drive mine I don't mind but he wants a big 4x4 which tbh in current climate makes no sense. He moans what other people have and he doesn't. I fear suggesting any trips or even days out as for him pizza is an extravaganza. When we got together we used to go to nice restaurants and bars, I was able to dress up and feel all feminine. Now it is just boring. I am a bit confused how now when he earns the most he became so tight whilst before he was very generous. He runs spreadsheets for everything, calculates everything, talks only about money. I am just so so bored. Are all men that age so boring, grumpy and tight? I started thinking it will never change, only get worse and I guess I do not want such life. I really feel he has me as his housekeeper and future carer. Wonder what you think? Is this normal for men that age with younger partners? I often see mature guys really trying their best with younger women so they don't leave them; here it is opposite.

Well you’ve made your worth VERY clear to him
right at the start - so he’s just continued down that part because you let him. The biggest example is reneging on your joint plan to have a family. That needed discussion and for you to then decide if you wanted to continue when he didn’t want more kids (he’s entitled to change his mind).

He sounds awful. But you sound very passive about your life. Even trying to explain the dire situation you’re in by a sweeping generalisation about “ all men over 55”.

Dont be worrying about “all men”. Worry about the one you’ve got and your own personal lack of agency.

Deadringer · 07/03/2023 09:21

He sounds awful op. Children aside at 40 you are still young, don't waste any more of your precious time with him.

AIBUNoNo · 07/03/2023 09:21

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar No, he didn't steal anything. The OP gave him those years. Why do you put him in a position of power? It's patronising and assumes that women just toe the line and don't make their own choices.

ZeldaB · 07/03/2023 09:27

He’s strung you along and ruined your final childbearing years with a lie. You are absolutely correct to think he sees you as housekeeper and future carer. And you are an incredibly cheap one: an actual live in carer would cost a fortune and you’re getting what? Food and shelter?

I would divorce him, take as much money from the wanker as possible and use it to fund the IVF that you need urgently if you still want to try for a baby. At your age you might also consider adopting, but I’m afraid you probably wouldn’t be considered for a baby owing to your age.

I know this is blunt, and I’m sorry. I’m just so angry with him on your behalf. Telling a 33 year old woman that you’ll have children with her, marrying her to ‘lock her in’ then changing his mind is so incredibly cruel.

AIBUNoNo · 07/03/2023 09:38

I would divorce him, take as much money from the wanker as possible

They are not married @ZeldaB

The OP won't get a penny.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/03/2023 09:46

There are many posts vilifying the man here, but come on, this was a two way street. They were both old enough to enter this relationship with their eyes open. He wanted youth, she wanted the lifestyle his money offered. As someone said upthread, this is an understanding that often both people are happy in. But, as life continues, the offering of youth from the younger party goes.

A warning to other women entering in to relationships with 50 year old men - if they say they want children with you, it is highly likely, though not impossible, that they are lying.

arethereanyleftatall · 07/03/2023 09:47

lol @Oarty . They're hot aren't they?!? And, just to fuel your fire, fabulous in bed 🤪

DuvetDownn · 07/03/2023 09:54

Didn’t alarm bells ring when after a few years there was no joint house purchase, baby or wedding?

Oarty · 07/03/2023 10:05

ZeldaB · 07/03/2023 09:27

He’s strung you along and ruined your final childbearing years with a lie. You are absolutely correct to think he sees you as housekeeper and future carer. And you are an incredibly cheap one: an actual live in carer would cost a fortune and you’re getting what? Food and shelter?

I would divorce him, take as much money from the wanker as possible and use it to fund the IVF that you need urgently if you still want to try for a baby. At your age you might also consider adopting, but I’m afraid you probably wouldn’t be considered for a baby owing to your age.

I know this is blunt, and I’m sorry. I’m just so angry with him on your behalf. Telling a 33 year old woman that you’ll have children with her, marrying her to ‘lock her in’ then changing his mind is so incredibly cruel.

Personally I don't think a 40 year old woman is yet past her childbearing years

ArcticSkewer · 07/03/2023 10:07

Oarty · 07/03/2023 10:05

Personally I don't think a 40 year old woman is yet past her childbearing years

Show quote history

She is if she's with someone who doesn't want kids.
If she gets a move on she can use a sperm donor.
Chances of 1. leaving 2. dating someone new 3. then getting pregnant by him .... what are the odds on that do you think?

Oarty · 07/03/2023 10:10

ZeldaB · 07/03/2023 09:27

He’s strung you along and ruined your final childbearing years with a lie. You are absolutely correct to think he sees you as housekeeper and future carer. And you are an incredibly cheap one: an actual live in carer would cost a fortune and you’re getting what? Food and shelter?

I would divorce him, take as much money from the wanker as possible and use it to fund the IVF that you need urgently if you still want to try for a baby. At your age you might also consider adopting, but I’m afraid you probably wouldn’t be considered for a baby owing to your age.

I know this is blunt, and I’m sorry. I’m just so angry with him on your behalf. Telling a 33 year old woman that you’ll have children with her, marrying her to ‘lock her in’ then changing his mind is so incredibly cruel.

Meant to say that while I don't feel a 40 year old is yet past her childbearing years - you do make some good points

Oarty · 07/03/2023 10:11

arethereanyleftatall · 07/03/2023 09:47

lol @Oarty . They're hot aren't they?!? And, just to fuel your fire, fabulous in bed 🤪

@arethereanyleftatall** I'd absolutely love the opportunity to find out Grin

minipie · 07/03/2023 10:16

I really feel he has me as his housekeeper and future carer. Wonder what you think?

well… yes.

I’m sorry OP. But better you realise this now than in 5, 10
more years. Don’t waste any more time on someone who has played you.

Oarty · 07/03/2023 10:17

@ArcticSkewer - I'd definitely agree with you that if kids are a deal breaker in the situation - she needs to get out of it ASAP. Agree also that she's got less of a window than a 30 or 35 year old say, in a similar situation. However, I don't feel the door is yet closed for her as far as children are concerned, by any means ..

NurseCranesRolodex · 07/03/2023 10:20

Have seen the evidence of his amassed wealth, the bank accounts, investments or whatever.

I'd be v v suspicious of this man and his wealth. If he does have it, what's he doing with it. Is he duplicitous?

Successgirl2022 · 07/03/2023 10:32

My DH is 56, I am 43.

He is quite full of life hopefully though he has his moments when he wants his space & I give it to him.

As soon as I was made permanent at work 4 months later we started trying for a baby. He was 39 then, and I was 26 We got married 6 months before that. (Our son is 15 now).

If he was delaying it for longer than 1-2-3-5 years, I would divorce him and find a man who would want a baby with me.

Hbh17 · 07/03/2023 10:38

Short answer : no. Those lucky enough to take early retirement at 55 generally become much more relaxed and easier to be around!
But, as a 57 year old female, I'm pretty sure that no 57 year old man in his right mind would want to start having kids at this age - exhausting when they're little and then dealing with teenagers in your 70s? Err, no!

Deathbyfluffy · 07/03/2023 10:42

Dredel · 06/03/2023 18:21

They do say at 60 men sit down and women get up!

People who say things like that tend to be idiots. Can you imagine the uproar if people stereotyped women like that?

No, all men over 55 aren't grumpy - just like all women over 55 aren't grumpy.
I know it's typical MN to bash men, but by and large we're all very different and while some of us will grow older to be moody, the same is true of women.

I think you've just got a crap partner, rather than everyone that age being crap.

Oarty · 07/03/2023 10:42

Realistically OP - no - 55+ men aren't inherently stingy/grumpy. Many are in tip top shape physically. You could easily have a 30 year old boyfriend who is like your DP.