Are all men getting stingy and grumpy pass 55?

[flarefit]

DP v high earner (over £150k) couple of credit cards but not much on them, his own house 3 years mortgage left. I am part time at the moment due to personal circumstances/ health. His house is being rented and we rent another place where we live. I never wanted to move into his house as it needs major refurb and it is where he was with his previous family. When we got together (7y ago) he promised me we will start a family. I was 33 then, he was 50. Now I am 40, he is 57. Nothing happened. He changed, doesn't want new family, wants to get back to his house but doesn't want to refurbish there so it would mean me cooking in his ex wife's kitchen which is dated and I do not like it. It would make me feel awful to live somewhere where he was raising kids with his ex but doesn't want children with me. I am in a bit of a limbo financially but also I suspect that he was hoping for a free housekeeper. He doesn't help around house at the moment as he thinks if I work part time I can catch up with household to top up my worth. I do all the housework, shopping, cooking and even if I ask him for some help he starts an argument. He became very unpleasant in last couple of years and it doesn't look good. He only speaks about money even though earns a lot. Doesn't want to spend anything, we have not been away on holiday for 6 years. He moans that he doesn't have a car, we drive mine I don't mind but he wants a big 4x4 which tbh in current climate makes no sense. He moans what other people have and he doesn't. I fear suggesting any trips or even days out as for him pizza is an extravaganza. When we got together we used to go to nice restaurants and bars, I was able to dress up and feel all feminine. Now it is just boring. I am a bit confused how now when he earns the most he became so tight whilst before he was very generous. He runs spreadsheets for everything, calculates everything, talks only about money. I am just so so bored. Are all men that age so boring, grumpy and tight? I started thinking it will never change, only get worse and I guess I do not want such life. I really feel he has me as his housekeeper and future carer. Wonder what you think? Is this normal for men that age with younger partners? I often see mature guys really trying their best with younger women so they don't leave them; here it is opposite.

If having a child was/is your absolute priority, why did you waste most of your fertile years? Surely you knew the clock was ticking down for you?

I think he told you what you wanted to hear and was so generous at the beginning because he wanted a relationship with a younger woman. Now the novelty has worn off and he obviously doesn't feel like he has to shower you with gifts/money to keep you.

He's been a dick but you have to take some personal responsibility in this. You allowed him to waste your time. He can say whatever he likes but your not an idiot, surely you can tell when your being fobbed off. And at 57 I can't blame him for not wanting anymore children.

If you really want children, leave now and try and find someone who will give you what you want.

I think he has lied and stolen from you. He has stolen your time, he has stolen your ability to find a better partner during your fertile years, he's still stealing your labour and emotional energy. He's even using your car when he could afford one of his own, so that's extra wear and tear that will cost you money at some stage.

He was generous at the start because he was investing in his future, wining and dining you was just baiting a hook and now he feels he's caught you there's no reason to do anything for you. It's now all about how useful you are to him. Dump him, he doesn't even like you let alone love you.

You've been played. Probably too late for kids with someone else but you could try with him or sperm donor now and might stand a chance.
Did you hope to be a permanent part of his lifestyle? He hasn't married you either, so not much chance I would say.

My husband is mid 60s and is the exact opposite. I am the one who doesn't want to go out.

This! He actually said many times women trap men by having children. I found it bizarre coming from a father of 2. Bitter perhaps.

This. I think the responsibility in staying in this relationship rests with OP. Think the pound signs over a higher earner got in the way of rational decision making

Yes he wants you as a housekeeper and potential free carer OP. You have no claims on anything financial.

I would move on let him pay for the help he needs. His kids will inherit all that is left.

You will be left with nothing if you stay.

He actually said many times women trap men by having children. I found it bizarre coming from a father of 2. Bitter perhaps.
You didn't see this as a sign that he thought you would be trapping him by having children?

I do have a lot of sympathy with you. He's strung you along. You need to take back ownership of your life and get out of this relationship. It sounds like it is breaking down already

Get a full time job, leave him, go on holiday, have a pizza.
This relationship isn’t working for you.
Have you managed to save anything since you’ve been together?

Op, if you were to leave tomorrow what would you have to show for the relationship?
No children, no security of marriage/finance and years of your fertile life spent wasted on him. None of that is an accident. He has deliberately not married you or given you children. That isn’t what he wants otherwise it would have happened by now. Older men with younger partners know exactly what they are doing. Even if they don’t admit. The outcome speaks for itself.
You can’t get that back but you can change your future. Accept he won’t change. But you could move on and maybe even find someone else to have a baby with. This is kind of last chance saloon now.

Honestly get out now whilst your still young
He hasn’t been honest with you, yes there may have been reasons previously for not being the right time but 7 yrs ! Sorry you’ve NO chance
the older he’s got the more comfortable he’s got with his lifestyle

Your probably in a situation now where you can afford to rent on your own ? So now your stuck with a selfish untrustworthy man who is using you as his housekeeper with benefits

whilst your still young, get out asap, get a full time job I feel for you being treated like this.
He is not going to change no way.
what exactly does he do with the 150k ?
His he paying maintenance, mortgage & rent and all household outgoings ?
His he open with you about finance etc ?

If you really want a baby you haven’t long left to get pregnant and he’s not going to oblige you
so you either trap him and pay the consequences or get out. So sorry

My DH is 12 years older and we met when his kids were late teens and I was mid thirties. He was widowed and had been single for a few years but having a baby wasn’t a priority for me or him.

However, we had a contraceptive failure and I got pregnant at 41 and whilst he was very shocked at first, he has loved being a dad second time around as he has more money and patience. We have a great relationship with the older kids and now have grandchildren too. Also, my DH has never been particularly wealthy or tight with money or a grumpy sod, (other than the usual whinge about the Tories etc).

I think you need to decide quickly if you’re willing to give up your dreams to stay with this man? You’re not getting any younger and you could still have children with someone else if you leave now.

Not that it's the crux of the issue here but it doesn't sound likely to me that this guy has a yearly 150k to his name. In fact, he sounds like someone in serious financial difficulties.

So dunno about tight but definitely a multi-disciplinary liar.

if a mature adult man enters a meaningful relationship with a woman age 33 who expresses her desire to have a family and he agrees to that - this should be enough to start. He seemed to be ok with that for all these years - yes I admit there were always reasons why it wasn't a good time just yet but I was patient and considerate.

But you waited 7 years!

Surely at 33, you ought to have been trying to conceive asap, or certainly by 35.

I'm really sorry this hasn't worked out but you were too patient and too considerate.

You ought to have pulled the plug on the relationship much sooner, surely?

I honestly don't know why you didn't read the writing on the wall.

I don't agree with the age-gap comments from some posters, simply because I know of couples with an age gap of 15 years where it's worked and the men did have 2nd families.

You don't sound compatible at all. At 40 your chances of meeting another man and having a child are slim but not impossible.

And no, not all men of his age are grumpy. He's an individual.

No this isn’t normal. My DH earns more the that, late 50s. Not right in the slightest. And we holiday a lot.
give him an ultimatum to change or leave him. You’re 40!

Not TIGHT that should say

This is a weird relationship. Not because of the age gap, but because you don't seem to like your partner @flarefit, and don't seem to realise that you and he clearly envisage different futures. In a not-weird relationship, you'd have had a sensible conversation about having children (or not) some years ago, and you would have made your own decision based on this. As it is, you have got to 40 without making any active decision about anything.

Are all men that age so boring, grumpy and tight?

The answer to that part of your question is a resounding no.

Sorry to hear this OP

Sounds like he wants out to me and is trying hard to get you to be the one to call time.

He has led you on about children. He knows you don’t want to live in that house. He has money but won’t spend any of it on nice things for you both - like holidays. And you still stay. Sorry if that’s harsh.

If you really want children don’t waste any more time.

good luck! X

@Catoo thank you for this message, there was a time that I felt he was perhaps pushing me away but on few occasions when I did mention 'it is probably best to go separate ways' - he didn't want to know.

I did not mention that we have not had sex for over 2 years now which is key I think. I am and always was very sexual and sensual person and he just said to me he lost his sex drive and not planning to do anything about this. He is blaming me for it saying he lost his sex drive due to the fact I did not want to move into his house and now we live somewhere were he doesn't enjoy living. I am not sure what to think - does he expect me to live sexless life just like that? I feel he is punishing me by not having sex with me, pushing the boundaries and testing me. Awful.

Mind you we had sex 3 years ago and were still not living in his house so these are only pathetic excuses I do realise that. Or another one that affects his sex drive is the fact that the blinds we currently have are not black outs and in his house he has blackouts. He doesn't like the gas hob we have because in his house he has electric which he prefers, also the wind if blows in certain direction brings the noise of far away motorway. We live near a beautiful park only birds and trees, no noise. The excuses are just beyond belief.

Someone earlier mentioned that surely I should have tried to conceive at 33. Well of course but back then 'it wasn't the right time' every time was not the right time. fast forward 6 years it is still not good time because to have a child it is best to live in his house. And what conceive in his marital bed? Sorry just overwhelmed and upset by it all. You are all right in your comments. I am just a one stupid naive woman. Your comments made me realise that.

7 years of hope vs lies and manipulation.

I'm sorry but it looks as if your relationship has died.

Maybe he has low testosterone or erection issues, or maybe he isn't attracted to you any more. Whichever, he ought to admit it and either seek medical help or tell you it's over.

You come over as passive and allowing it to continue.

At 40, no sex for two years and desperate to have a baby, it seems odd you have let this all drift. If you really wanted a baby, you should have given it a year till you were 34 then moved on if all he did was make excuses.

Is it because you are unable to support yourself financially?

If you have health issues and 'personal circumstances' that stop you working full time, would these impact on becoming pregnant or looking after a baby?

At 40, you have no home of your own, presumably little income and you rent. Does he pay for it all?

He owns a house and it's not your call to demand he changes it all to suit you, simply because you can't stomach the fact it was his family home. If he really cared about you, he'd possibly sell it so you could start afresh but the fact he hasn't says a lot.

Why are you still with him? It's clear he's never going to be what you want.

You are brave to be so honest here. Now see if you can use some of that courage to leave him and start a new independent life. It is clearly not working for you and you deserve so much better.

Your update...if he doesn't like the place you are renting, why did he move there? Surely he chose it with you?

Can you increase your hours at work and support yourself?

I am sorry but I think you have both 'used' each other.

He's put a roof over your head, was a high earner, and you thought he wanted to have children. When it became clear he didn't, you ignored that for far too long.

He meanwhile does have a housekeeper in you and is too pathetic to own up to the fact he isn't happy.

How do you feel about the fact he's been running your fertilility clock down, and on high likelihood you won't have children?