Are all men getting stingy and grumpy pass 55?

[flarefit]

DP v high earner (over £150k) couple of credit cards but not much on them, his own house 3 years mortgage left. I am part time at the moment due to personal circumstances/ health. His house is being rented and we rent another place where we live. I never wanted to move into his house as it needs major refurb and it is where he was with his previous family. When we got together (7y ago) he promised me we will start a family. I was 33 then, he was 50. Now I am 40, he is 57. Nothing happened. He changed, doesn't want new family, wants to get back to his house but doesn't want to refurbish there so it would mean me cooking in his ex wife's kitchen which is dated and I do not like it. It would make me feel awful to live somewhere where he was raising kids with his ex but doesn't want children with me. I am in a bit of a limbo financially but also I suspect that he was hoping for a free housekeeper. He doesn't help around house at the moment as he thinks if I work part time I can catch up with household to top up my worth. I do all the housework, shopping, cooking and even if I ask him for some help he starts an argument. He became very unpleasant in last couple of years and it doesn't look good. He only speaks about money even though earns a lot. Doesn't want to spend anything, we have not been away on holiday for 6 years. He moans that he doesn't have a car, we drive mine I don't mind but he wants a big 4x4 which tbh in current climate makes no sense. He moans what other people have and he doesn't. I fear suggesting any trips or even days out as for him pizza is an extravaganza. When we got together we used to go to nice restaurants and bars, I was able to dress up and feel all feminine. Now it is just boring. I am a bit confused how now when he earns the most he became so tight whilst before he was very generous. He runs spreadsheets for everything, calculates everything, talks only about money. I am just so so bored. Are all men that age so boring, grumpy and tight? I started thinking it will never change, only get worse and I guess I do not want such life. I really feel he has me as his housekeeper and future carer. Wonder what you think? Is this normal for men that age with younger partners? I often see mature guys really trying their best with younger women so they don't leave them; here it is opposite.

Unless I am misunderstanding you, you are not working, or at least not making much of a financial contribution to your ‘partnership’. You don’t want to live in the house he liked and already owns, he is getting stressed about money (perhaps he thinks he is not going to be earning as much quite soon?) and you want to add children to what he already sees, not necessarily accurately , as a worrying financial burden. Or perhaps he is just mean, though it sounds as if this wasn’t the case when you got together.

Anyway , you are both miserable. Better start looking for a job and somewhere to live.

Just like your example about men lying, women do get pregnant to trap men too - I've seen it with my own eyes.
You can't judge men and call them liars without facing up to the fact that babytrapping is indeed a real thing.

All valid comments here. Some a bit harsh I must admit but of course I do not go into too much detail as why certain things happened (or didn't) - My choice not to share. That aside what I would reiterate is that my DP is still saying he wants children - it is his lack of action that shows me he doesn't, hence me here sharing that I feel/ see evidence he doesn't. If you ask him he would say of course he wants a baby - just not now because ... (fill the gap) and here you will hear plenty of reasons. 'Just not now'. This is where you need to understand as a partner I trusted him over the years and like I said before I remained patient and considerate due to him not being ready. So I thought. Today I am at the point of - if not now then when? Today I am also at the point of - he simply lied to me. I left my ex because he didn't want children and got into this relationship because I was told he loves kids and can not wait to have a baby with me. Just not now and that is 7 years. After reading all the comments I will side with the ladies who admit - free housekeeper and carer. No future.

Maybe he did ‘ mislead’ her. Or maybe he was in love/ infatuated, and just said what she wanted to hear, because that’s what you do when you are crazy about someone and desperate to have them. A friend of mine has a daughter who split with her husband after a few years, because he wanted children and she didn’t. I asked my friend whether they hadn’t talked about it before the wedding, and she said, well, they had, but she ‘thought it would sort itself out, because they were in love.’

anyway, it’s water under the bridge, she dislikes him, he’s worried about or preoccupied with money, and there are no children. Casting blame is no help.

Sorry , that was a response to a PP.

Im sorry you have been disappointed, OP. Good luck in future, I hope life is kind to you.

He strung you along and wasted your fertile years. Get out now and you still might be able to have a family.

Ah my heart lifted for a moment on your behalf when you said he's saying he still wants children - but - I don't know - difficult call

It doesn't matter what other 55 year old men are like. Your one is not going to have a baby with you. If you want a child, leave now.

You are not responsible for his actions but you can choose to leave that is on you

If you need promises to stay with someone then it can't have been that strong to begin with

That age gap is 🤢

My mum is 59 and her husband is 81. So a 22 year age gap but close to yours. She's turned into his carer now after 20 years together. He was always very lazy and tight fisted anyway, similar to your other half. She already had kids so it wasn't an issue. This man just wants an unpaid carer. He's not going to give you kids.

You sound quite gullible to be honest. And inexperienced with relationships.

Anyone else would have given themselves (and him) a deadline of a couple of years at the most.

You say he made excuses but you aren't saying what they were.

You're both in this together. He changed his mind or never wanted kids anyway, but you've been silly enough to hang on and on when it would be obvious to most women that he didn't want kids.

Unless you see his bank statements and pay slips, I'd take his £150Kpa with a huge pinch of salt. Maybe that's a lie as well.

I was talking to someone the other day who has the same age gap, but it's her husband who's 17 years younger. She must be at least the age of OP's partner. The general tone of the (female) group when she revealed this was admiration and hope!
Weirdly enough, however, she went on to complain that her husband was turning into a dull stick-in-the-mud...

One thought- is there a cultural divide too as well as an age gap?

Some of the things you write, and how you write, seem to show there might be.

Seems you've been sold a pig in a poke OP. You appear to have thought to trade your youth for a harder level of work on his part than a man would be prepared to put in for an older woman. Unfortunately he's not keeping his side of your imaginary bargain.
I'm sure there are relationships with the (unhealthy, because how worrying must it be as you age to feel his treatment of you depends on you staying young?) dynamic you expected, but more often than not with a much older man, you get what it says on the tin. They are older, more set in their ways, have already experienced the life events you still want and are not that keen on deja vu.
If I were you I'd accept that this man isn't going to give you what you're looking for and not throw anymore years at it. If he's like this mid 50s, he's not going to improve with age.

@AIBUNoNo what do you mean by cultural divide? nationalities/ race? background? intellectual level/ education? all above?

Any which apply!

Of course you can. There is no law that says everytime an aspect of male bad behaviour is mentioned we need to go scratching around the bottom of the barrel in search of the odd woman who did something wrong. It adds nothing to thread and does nothing to change people's views of the relative behaviour of men and women.

Agreed. There does seem to be a very transactional air to a lot of what the OP has written. She trading her youth and presumably looks for his “high earning” mentioned in the first of the OP and a child.

He seems to be banking on her diminishing fertility & his delaying tactics as a way of getting out of his side of the “bargain” …

Will you leave OP or will you allow finances to keep you stuck?

I wonder whether he stopped being interested in sex two years ago as he realized that at 38, you'd be keen to start TTC? No sex means no chance of pregnancy. As @xfan says, he's been running your fertility clock down.

I wouldn't stick around, OP, you're worth far more than this.

Dear god woman, what were you thinking?! You’re with a man almost old enough to be your father, you’ve let him run down your clock whilst for some reason embracing the role as his skivvy. You’ve given up your sex life, you’ve no doubt helped him with his kids, and for what? He’s a tight, sexist, selfish, lying user. He’s a terrible man and you deserve so much better. Please don’t ever be a passenger in your own life again.

How on earth would getting pregnant trap a man? Its pretty normal for men to simply walk away, surely that’s common knowledge? Sounds like a shit plan.

His kids would be off his hands when the OP met him- he was 50 then.

Also, don't generalise about age-gap relationships.

I have friends in age-gap relationships and they are very happy.

I don't believe a 57 year old man wants more children, when he already has them. There is just no way that's true.

He 100% knows what he's letting himself in for and there's no way he is up for that at his age.

By the time I'm 57, he's surely thinking of retiring in the next 10 years or so.

My DH is 56 and retired, im
pretty certain if we were to spirit up the absolutely last thing he’d want to do is a have a baby. He’d like the younger girlfriend but not the baby.