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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MIL WILL be a Gran - help?

135 replies

BigSmokeyBacon · 06/03/2023 09:54

DH & I got married 2 years ago. I'm 28, he is 30. Been together 10 years altogether.

Ever since we got married, MIL has been really full on about having grandchildren. DH is her only child. She says I am her 'only chance to be a gran', that she 'WILL be a gran', that's she 'NEEDS to be a gran'.

DH normally shuts her down by saying we've got things we want to do first, and she will just have to wait. What she doesn't know is that I have complications with endo and we are both very on the fence about having kids, leaning more towards not having them now. Although this could change.

She asked when we were thinking, DH told her it will be years if we have any, she said 'no that's too long for ME to wait' and how unfair it was.

Am I wrong for thinking this is nuts? You don't have a child, so they also have a child? That having a child, doesn't make you entitled to their child/give you a right to tell them to provide a gc?

I wonder what she thinks having a gc will be like, as she works 6 days a week and says she can't retire for another 10 years. I don't understand this NEED she has, it's almost like grief, and she keeps having strops about it as she obviously can't control what we do. Her friends all have gc, I think this is also an issue. My brother's wife is pregnant and she has REALLY lain it on thick since she found out about that! So she's surrounded by it iyswim.

FIL is just as bad, saying he had to do it with DH so now it's our turn etc. At least we don't see him as much though...

Do I just move far, far away? 😆

OP posts:
FoxFeatures · 06/03/2023 10:07

The old chestnut is the best in this case - every time she asks, retort - 'Why are you so fascinated in our sex life?' 😈

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 06/03/2023 10:13

I honestly at this stage would be telling her to give it a rest every time she mentions it and start seeing/talking to her less

Twizbe · 06/03/2023 10:17

Why is your DH an only child? My only question is whether it was not their choice to stop at one. She's now seeing an outlet for repressed emotions about perhaps having to finish her family before she was ready.

Even so, she cannot put pressure on you. For me it actually helped to let out parents in on our fertility struggles. It stopped them talking about it or placing any pressure on as they knew it wasn't a happy topic.

BigSmokeyBacon · 06/03/2023 10:18

@Twizbe they really struggled financially so stopped at one (that's what DH says anyway, she has never mentioned it and I would never ask).

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 06/03/2023 10:25

Of course you’re not wrong. Nobody needs a grandchild. What a selfish woman she is. Shut this nonsense down every time, firmly.

SavBlancTonight · 06/03/2023 10:27

I think the best way to handle these sort of comments is to laugh at them. "haha MIL, I know you want grandchildren but I'm afraid that doesn't feature in our plans" or "Oh dear, it's the broody granny again. Maybe we should get her a job working with small children" or "Ooooh, small kids are disgusting. Definitely not ready for that - I have too many tequilas to drink still"

Lcb123 · 06/03/2023 10:27

That’s awful, you are totally reasonable. It’s no one else’s business apart from you and DH, if / when you have kids; even if it happens biologically. I think you either need to move far away.. or be grown up and have a firm discussion with her

Stiltonlover · 06/03/2023 10:28

How often are you seeing/talking to her?

I'd be putting some distance in place already, it sounds like she basically sees you as a walking womb. And if you did have children it sounds like she'd be a nightmare so probably good to start now!

AuntieMarys · 06/03/2023 10:29

I know someone like this. Ridiculously over invested in her sons life. First time she met his now wife, she told her what names she wanted for her little prince/ Princess.
6 years on she is not allowed to see her grandchildren.

SleepingStandingUp · 06/03/2023 10:30

How would slightly exaggerated honesty work for you?

Actually Margaret, it's highly unlikely we can have children naturally so we're thinking we're happy just the two of us. It's better you know now it's unlikely there will be grandchildren so you don't get your hopes up.

Then whenever she mentions it, just shit it down as "we've told you Margaret, this isn't for us"

GCWorkNightmare · 06/03/2023 10:31

I told anyone that put any sort of pressure on that I was adding a year on to the point where I would start considering it.

BigSmokeyBacon · 06/03/2023 10:35

@Stiltonlover we actually only see her maybe once a month, DH calls her every couple of weeks. But she brings it up every time!

Yeah, she does see me as a womb on legs. I think she only makes an effort with me because I might, possibly be her grandchild's mother (which I likely won't be). She has stopped texting me since we told her it was unlikely! Which was welcome tbh.

OP posts:
EyesOnThePies · 06/03/2023 10:35

Be direct.

She has no qualms dishing out pressuring emotional blackmail, no need to be so timid in response?

Be honest. Say ‘if we make such a decision it will be ours alone. In the meantime, you going on about it is a bit much. Can we park it as a conversation topic please?’.

EyesOnThePies · 06/03/2023 10:37

Can you say to her ‘tbh this constant conversation makes me feel like a womb on legs.’

BigSmokeyBacon · 06/03/2023 10:40

It makes me think that if I did fall pregnant, she would completely overwhelm me. She's quite spooky with how full on she is! It creeps me out.

OP posts:
GenuinelyDone · 06/03/2023 10:41

I'd be fairly honest and say you both don't currently want children but the more she talks about it the less likely it is that you'll ever change your mind.

She doesn't need to know about your personal circumstances - frankly I think that would be an awful idea because then she may actively try to break you up from her son.

Bunnyishotandcross · 06/03/2023 10:43

Tell her dh has trouble getting it up. They will be so mortified I imagine dc will never be mentioned again...

BigSmokeyBacon · 06/03/2023 10:47

@GenuinelyDone I agree, I also don't want her 'advice'. I'm not too worried about her breaking us up. She once started on me while drunk, and DH stepped in and told her if she didn't apologise then he wouldn't be seeing her (I have never and would never ask him not to see her btw, as much as I don't gel with her, I don't want to see her estranged from her son) anyway, she apologised and we are OK now!

OP posts:
callthataspade · 06/03/2023 10:47

How does your dh react to that? The fact that because you've shut down the baby thing you're not even worthwhile to talk to?!

She's so blatant in her view of you as a walking womb. Can he not see it? I would be mortified if my family treated my partner like this

Either way distance. Low contact. Because frankly can you imagine the carnage if you did have kids? She'd be one of those making her own nursery and insisting you stop breastfeeding so she can look after baby and make sure it calls her mum.

Beamur · 06/03/2023 10:48

I would suggest that your DH has a quiet word and actually tells her that due to medical reasons (you don't need to say which of you or what it is) having a baby is going to be difficult if not impossible.
It's very tactless and hurtful therefore for her to keep bringing it up. No more requests/demands for GC please.

worried4698643 · 06/03/2023 10:49

You don't need to tell her any of your medical issues. None of her business at all.

I would simply say
'We don't know if we want children, please stop asking us'

KettrickenSmiled · 06/03/2023 10:50

"MiL, it upsets me when you talk about me like I'm your personal brood mare. There's more to me than a womb, & I'm just not going to be discussing my reproductive choices with you, so please stop this. Would you like tea or coffee with a slice of this cake?"

GenuinelyDone · 06/03/2023 10:52

BigSmokeyBacon · 06/03/2023 10:47

@GenuinelyDone I agree, I also don't want her 'advice'. I'm not too worried about her breaking us up. She once started on me while drunk, and DH stepped in and told her if she didn't apologise then he wouldn't be seeing her (I have never and would never ask him not to see her btw, as much as I don't gel with her, I don't want to see her estranged from her son) anyway, she apologised and we are OK now!

I'm glad your husband is completely in support of you. She sounds like really hard work!

BigSmokeyBacon · 06/03/2023 10:52

I think I will just distance myself and DH & I will keep shutting it down when she brings it up. Thanks for some 'comeback' ideas, some have made me laugh 😆 I'm not great on the spot, so these are helpful!

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 06/03/2023 10:59

Anyone who knows me, knows that I react to the kind of pressure your MiL is trying to expert, but doing the opposite.

Anyone who doesn't know me that well, I'm very happy to explain.

I recommend it

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