MIL WILL be a Gran - help?

[BigSmokeyBacon]

DH & I got married 2 years ago. I'm 28, he is 30. Been together 10 years altogether.

Ever since we got married, MIL has been really full on about having grandchildren. DH is her only child. She says I am her 'only chance to be a gran', that she 'WILL be a gran', that's she 'NEEDS to be a gran'.

DH normally shuts her down by saying we've got things we want to do first, and she will just have to wait. What she doesn't know is that I have complications with endo and we are both very on the fence about having kids, leaning more towards not having them now. Although this could change.

She asked when we were thinking, DH told her it will be years if we have any, she said 'no that's too long for ME to wait' and how unfair it was.

Am I wrong for thinking this is nuts? You don't have a child, so they also have a child? That having a child, doesn't make you entitled to their child/give you a right to tell them to provide a gc?

I wonder what she thinks having a gc will be like, as she works 6 days a week and says she can't retire for another 10 years. I don't understand this NEED she has, it's almost like grief, and she keeps having strops about it as she obviously can't control what we do. Her friends all have gc, I think this is also an issue. My brother's wife is pregnant and she has REALLY lain it on thick since she found out about that! So she's surrounded by it iyswim.

FIL is just as bad, saying he had to do it with DH so now it's our turn etc. At least we don't see him as much though...

Do I just move far, far away? 😆

Oh this response!

This ^

Then every single time she mentions anything to do with GC do a sympathetic face and repeat that you are concerned for her and does she not remember mentioning it last time etc. Make it all about her having issues and never even acknowledge the questions she's asking.

Oh and listen to your DH, he sounds wonderful. If he has talked about cutting off contact it’s because of what he’s been through with her and what he wants. My DH suggested going NC and I encouraged him to keep contact which I hugely regret for his sake now. You don’t owe parents anything especially when they continue to be awful

My mother-in-law used to keep asking when we were going to have children. In the end I said we might not have any but whether we did was up to us, not her. It was such a cheek as she was a useless mother (alcoholic) and would have had very little to do with any grandchild. It was just a status thing and something to discuss with her friends.

Lol some of these responses are brilliant but if it was me I would just avoid her completely. When she comes over, take yourself on a nice day out and refuse to spend long periods of time with her ie, no staying over for Christmas. Did she stay at yours? It's your home and you're entitled to enjoy it. And don't feel obligated to stay at hers either. She has crossed boundaries time and time again and your time is too precious to spend with someone who behaves like that. Sounds like she's had enough chances.

I think your best approach here is to tell your (lovely sounding) DH that you're not willing to put up with the pressure she's putting on so for now you won't be seeing your MIL. Don't go and visit with him, be out if she comes to your house. Don't answer her calls etc.

If you feel up to it, you could wait until next time you see her and say, in a short sharp way when she brings it up "I am not talking to you about this anymore" and take time away from her after that.

I say this as someone who had serious fertility issues that we didn't share with our families. We didn't have anywhere near as much pressure as you but it is presumptuous (and hurtful) to discuss other peoples plans for their family and I snapped sharply at my MIL when she brought it up for the third or fourth time and, because she's a nice person, she stopped.

It’s so inappropriate. You’re not breeding stock for her family line. I think I would be quite sharp with her and tell her that it’s between you and DH and not to mention it again.

Ahh I have a MIL just like this and our situation sounds very similar to yours. DP used to get upset with me when I’d respond with something like “urgh children no thank you” so now I just don’t accompany him on visits. I probably only see her once a year now and if she wants to ask DP she’s welcome to.

I'd do this. She sounds intensely annoying and selfish.

Another, less confrontational response would be to say you're not considering children until you're able to move to X (pick somewhere far away, Australia/Canada etc) and hope that the idea of your DH being so far from her will make her stop pushing it.

Utterly bizarre
I'm a mum of 2
It is not their "job" to provide me with grandchildren!!
If they have dc, that's great
If not, that's also great 🤷‍♀️

I wonder what she imagines would change were she to get a grandchild? Using another human to gratify a need rarely ends very well. It’s also highly unreasonable of her to pester. Is the relationship such that you can explain the pressure on you and ask her what need she thinks she is lacking ie so she can look at ways to meet it that don’t involve leaning on you to solve it.

Say - awwwwww that's so cute, you really want Grandkids don't you now that you're getting sooo old. You'd be a good Grandma, you've really got that Grandma look about you. You know such and such a person has taken up knitting. You should see the adorable little cardigans she makes. Do you think you'll take up knitting soon? Would you like a sherry? Wine? Oh no, if we have children they'll be no one drinking wine around them.

She'll absolutely never bring it up again 😂

Oh and follow it up with cutesy smiles and saying- 'awwwww little old granny. Adorable!'

Trust me. It works.

Some women are like this. I don't understand. They are just OBSESSED with being grandmothers. I can't relate. OK, if my children have children I'm sure I'll adore them but if they don't want children - fine! I want them to be true to themselves and live the lives that are best for them. I feel like I scratched my itch by having children. Now it's up to my children to go out in the world and create their own lives.
My MIL was like this. Sat me down and told me that I had to give her 3 grandchildren. She actually already had one grandchild - but he lived on the other side of the world and she only saw him every 2 years. She was an extremely frustrated grandma! I had 2 children in my late 30s. We were done. I actually developed a serious illness so couldn't have more even if I wanted to (I didn't). She kept on and on at me, emotionally blackmailing me to have "just one more baby". On my 40th birthday she sent me a card with 3 little babies on, begging me to have another. Enough! I told her about my health condition and told her very firmly that it was NOT going to happen. I told her to be grateful for the children and grandchildren she already had. I pointed out how lucky she was. She apologised and has never mentioned it again. However, there was an emotional fallout. I genuinely believe she became depressed because of it. She seemed to have a low mood for about 2 years afterwards.
She is a wonderful grandmother. I can't fault her. She loves my children very much and they love her. However, now my children are older, they have their own interests and own lives. I can see she feels bereft and left out. But that's the problem! Her grandchildren became her entire world, her reason for living. Now they're older and busy she just feels lost. My parents never made my children the centre of their universe so they still have a lot of other interests.
Entirely up to you but I'd tell her about the endo. Tell her you probably won't have children. Point out she was lucky enough to raise a child and you probably won't. Tell her that her constant demands are very upsetting. I think it's the only way to shut her up. She'll be living in hope for years otherwise, always looking for signs. You refuse a glass of wine and she'll have butterflies thinking "This is it!". You feel under the weather and she'll be sure you're pregnant. For your sake and hers, I'd put her out of her misery now so she can adapt to the reality that she'll probably never be a grandma.

I think I'd tell her that you and dh have decided on no children and that's final. Even if it isn't a definite decision just yet.
I'd also massively reduce the time I spent with her, certainly no long visits at Christmas where you can't escape

Tell her you decided to have cats instead.

This is grotesquely unfair to put on you and on your DH. I think that your DH has to tell her to back off in no uncertain terms. He needs to say it is rude and pressurising and actually immoral to be putting this amount of pressure on the two of you and likely to drive you both away if she continues. She needs to respect other people's choices and behave like a grown-up. I think she should be told not to bring the subject up at all or you'll leave/not speak about it. Otherwise she may influence you. You shouldn't have children for her. Neither should you be backed into a position of saying you definitely don't want them in the future just to shut her up. It is nothing to do with her.

If there is something there - trauma or whatever to do with something she isn't telling you, perhaps your DH can offer her to talk to him about this. But this is not right to be put at your door at all.

I just want to offer my support in a general kind of way to you, OP. You are an individual and no woman should be pressurised into having children. There is enough generalised pressure around this subject so it can be very hard to unravel what we think about it ourselves, as individuals, sometimes. Other women in particular shout support women if they decide not to go down the route of having children because there is already enough pressure and it is a huge commitment and noone should go in to it without wanting to.

I really hope you can get her to back off. I don't normally say this sort of thing but if it were me and someone was doing this to me, I would actually not see them unless they cut it out.

I've had this, my exDH was an only child so we were her 'only chance at grandchildren' and both got married in our late 20s. We just kept saying 'we don't want children' - we didn't even want to say 'we may later in life but right now we don't' as we didn't want to give her false hope if we did stick to our decision not to have them.
She never relented, constant remarks and hints about grandchildren, it was frustrating.

“Am I totally nuts for thinking this?”

of course you’re not, I don’t know why you’re asking? Sorry don’t mean to be rude I just think you must know full well no one else has a say over what you do with your body.

I had a very similar issue- married to a single child and his mum constantly talked about wanting a grandchild.

I politely pointed out that, if she wanted to increase her chance of having grandchildren, she should have had more children.

Obviously a rhetorical question but ... WHY do people behave like this? Either they have some serious issues, or are simply not very bright.

Interactions like this only end in one possible way, and it's invariably to their detriment. It benefits precisely no one and only serves to alienate the person whose brow they can't seem to resist beating. They simply cannot win - therefore why do it?

It's hurtful not least insulting to view another woman's body as an incubator for your grandchild. Highly distasteful. I have an inkling this is the way my MiL once saw me - since I had small DC and she had to be polite to me, she's now reverted to her typical passive aggression. I've long-since ceased to care.

VLC is the least that is likely to result from this. People will only accept so much, and these days, far more commonly, they are less inclined to stand for it.

I think your partner needs to just tell
her that you probably don’t want any. He’s kind of adding fuel to it by saying ‘not yet’.

Tell her

well we have been together 12 years and nothing has happened, and they say the more outside pressure the less likely things happen, make of that what you want but my sex life is private ta