MIL WILL be a Gran - help?

[BigSmokeyBacon]

DH & I got married 2 years ago. I'm 28, he is 30. Been together 10 years altogether.

Ever since we got married, MIL has been really full on about having grandchildren. DH is her only child. She says I am her 'only chance to be a gran', that she 'WILL be a gran', that's she 'NEEDS to be a gran'.

DH normally shuts her down by saying we've got things we want to do first, and she will just have to wait. What she doesn't know is that I have complications with endo and we are both very on the fence about having kids, leaning more towards not having them now. Although this could change.

She asked when we were thinking, DH told her it will be years if we have any, she said 'no that's too long for ME to wait' and how unfair it was.

Am I wrong for thinking this is nuts? You don't have a child, so they also have a child? That having a child, doesn't make you entitled to their child/give you a right to tell them to provide a gc?

I wonder what she thinks having a gc will be like, as she works 6 days a week and says she can't retire for another 10 years. I don't understand this NEED she has, it's almost like grief, and she keeps having strops about it as she obviously can't control what we do. Her friends all have gc, I think this is also an issue. My brother's wife is pregnant and she has REALLY lain it on thick since she found out about that! So she's surrounded by it iyswim.

FIL is just as bad, saying he had to do it with DH so now it's our turn etc. At least we don't see him as much though...

Do I just move far, far away? 😆

I can imagine having grandchildren must be quite a powerful desire for some. I had my only child quite late in life and the thought of never being able to experience again any of that joy I had with her, which was so so fleeting, is very sad. I'd be very disappointed if she didn't have kids. But of course, I would go to the ends of the earth to conceal this feeling from her!

She's not here to please or validate me, and I would hate to feel that I was in any way a factor in her future decisions. Perhaps she'll be very keen to have kids, but will have fertility issues or not meet the right person. I'd never want to compound any feelings of loss she might have. Or she might just not be interested, and I wouldn't want to inject any negativity into what was a positive decision. Honestly, there are just some things that as a parent I think you need to bear alone if needs be.

Don't just distance yourself from her.

Tell her, or better still, your husband should tell her, exactly what the problem is. Just a simple 'it really isn't something we want to discuss for personal reasons and we would be really grateful if you wouldn't mention it again'.

My in-laws only had one child, not through choice. There were medical complications. And because they were both working my dh was brought up largely by his grandparents. When this happens I think some people believe they'll get a second chance at parenting when their kids have kids. It generally doesn't go down well when they don't get to have a second crack at it, either because their kids don't have babies or if they do, won't hand them over to the grandparents for sleepovers at 2 days old!

Medical issues aside, try not to let her behaviour influence your decisions and if you do have children, be clear that they are yours and don't let her trample all over you to get to them!

And you know what op my ddil has a mother like this and guess who never babysits or helps in any way but doesn't half post on fb how proud/grateful/gushing she is. Never lifted a finger when my dil had a c section snd post natal depression.

I helped her and was glad to as I love her like a dd. She does nothing but talk and boast and bully.

Bet you would get no help at all just 'advice and criticism!'

My mother was like this. I'm the only girl, two brothers, all in our 50s now.

I told her from the age of 10 than I didn't want kids and wouldn't be having them. Of course that meant I got constant 'you'll change your mind' and 'good job I didn't feel like that, isn't it?'....even after I was treated for cervical cancer when I was just 21.

I never changed my mind. I've been married twice, both times to men that I made certain were in complete agreement about no children. My mother didn't shut up about fucking kids until was in my 40s. The sad thing is, she's dropped her best friend now, after nearly 65 years (my mum is 82 and they met at 17) because she has grandchildren. Jealous as hell.

Neither of my brothers have had children, either.

I had an Aunt who, everytime I saw her always asked 'oh! You're not pregnant yet then!'

After about the 6th time I replied 'oh! You're not dead then!'

I got a blustered 'how dare you!'

I replied No...How dare YOU'!

Fight fire with fire she'll soon back down, or if she doesn't there's your excuse not to see her

I think some women have been raised to believe their only satisfaction in life and validity as a woman is to have children. They throw themselves into the mothering role and then feel absolutely bereft and adrift when those children become adults with their own lives. I think sometimes the grandparenting thing is part fantasy and part hanging on to a role they understand. I have seen more than one woman who has definitely done this one. The kicker is that once any grandchildren are past the cute baby and child with potential achievements to brag about, they are totally over their grandkids! Stroppy teens? No thanks! Young adults with political views they don’t agree with and clothes they don’t like? I think not. This is semi tongue-in cheek, but I genuinely heard a woman say ‘well darling granddaughter has a PhD in Marine Biology. Will that get you a boyfriend, I said.’ 🫣

Craftycorvid I agree.
My own mother was a grandmother at 35, all my aunts and cousins were parents before 20.
I had my first child in my late 30s and was considered very strange by my family.
I saw my mother then my sister become adrift once their own children left, because they had never learned how to be an adult alone.
Interesting too how my own mother loved the baby and toddler years, but lost interest when they became teenagers ( probably the favourite years with my own children)

This is fabulous.

Yes to PPs saying she might feel adrift and she is raised to believe motherhood is a woman's purpose/life satisfaction.

She often talks about motherhood as 'a club' and something 'I just don't understand'. It's true that I don't understand, but I find it patronising and as though I'm not a real adult because I don't have children. There's a lot she doesn't understand clearly, despite being a mother herself.