MIL WILL be a Gran - help?

[BigSmokeyBacon]

DH & I got married 2 years ago. I'm 28, he is 30. Been together 10 years altogether.

Ever since we got married, MIL has been really full on about having grandchildren. DH is her only child. She says I am her 'only chance to be a gran', that she 'WILL be a gran', that's she 'NEEDS to be a gran'.

DH normally shuts her down by saying we've got things we want to do first, and she will just have to wait. What she doesn't know is that I have complications with endo and we are both very on the fence about having kids, leaning more towards not having them now. Although this could change.

She asked when we were thinking, DH told her it will be years if we have any, she said 'no that's too long for ME to wait' and how unfair it was.

Am I wrong for thinking this is nuts? You don't have a child, so they also have a child? That having a child, doesn't make you entitled to their child/give you a right to tell them to provide a gc?

I wonder what she thinks having a gc will be like, as she works 6 days a week and says she can't retire for another 10 years. I don't understand this NEED she has, it's almost like grief, and she keeps having strops about it as she obviously can't control what we do. Her friends all have gc, I think this is also an issue. My brother's wife is pregnant and she has REALLY lain it on thick since she found out about that! So she's surrounded by it iyswim.

FIL is just as bad, saying he had to do it with DH so now it's our turn etc. At least we don't see him as much though...

Do I just move far, far away? 😆

This is so far over stepping boundaries and it is cruel.

Your DH needs to tell her that you may not be conceiving at all and to stop badgering you both.

None of this is about her!

I’d do what my brother used to do - (when DDad started moaning on at him) … pick up his car keys, say, “right that’s me done, see ya next week” and leave! Took Ddad a while to catch on, but he did!!

And, for what’s it’s worth, I think it’s downright rude… what she’s basically asking and pestering about is your sex life - which is NOBODYS BUSINESS bar yours! And I would tell this!

Just be careful that you don't miss out on potentially having children because of her. Don't let her being overbearing shape the future of your family.

You should get her one of those reborn dolls.

I'm in my 50s so am starting to see a few friends who are really looking forward to being grandparents, including a couple who I think put too much pressure on their adult kids to reproduce.

I love my own kids, but have never felt gooey over other babies in general, so maybe I don't really understand that desire to be a GP, but it seems a bit like the maternal instinct, which is not really a rational thing, but can be quite overwhelming for some people. Maybe your MIL isn't quite aware of how much this feels like inappropriate pressure.

Of course it is unreasonable to think this is anyone's decision other than the couple involved. But I also think it's a bit cruel to be so vague about it with your MIL. Better to just be honest and say "we're really not sure if we want to have children, and I also have a medical condition that might make it difficult, so I'd rather you didn't keep asking."

I think I'd just come out with it....we have complications that mean it's very unlikely so please stop shoving it in our face and no we don't want to go into more detail....
Or children are not in our life plan

When I first got married and started ttc, it took some time for me to conceive. My mum thought I was deliberately avoiding pregnancy and was really annoyed with me. In the end, TTC became so stressful that DH and I decided to take a break from it. I told my mother everything, including how we were waiting, and she took to her bed. That night, my dad told me that my cousin was pregnant but I wasn't allowed to tell my mum as it would upset her too much. After I eventually did have a baby, she told me that I didn't need to have any more if I didn't want to, as she had her grandchild now. At the time I felt guilty for not producing this child out of a hat, and am now so angry that I didn't put her in her place at the time.

I moved far away.

Yanbu.

OP - my mother spent a long time insisting on grandchildren. She had put up with the shitty task of raising children and considered it her due. She even phoned MIL and told her to put pressure on DH to make sure I produced the goods, or she would disinherit me.

I have not produced grandchildren for her and neither has my sister. I spent my childhood being left in no doubt that children are awful and raising them is a monumental drudge, so why would I want them? In truth I did want them at times but was scared that I would not be able to protect them from her and I did not want to subject any more children to her.

I am sorry that you are having medical problems that may prevent you making your own choice in this matter. Whether or not that were the case, this has nothing whatsoever to do with your MIL. The fact that she fell out with the rest of her family speaks volumes to me. I doubt the problem lies with all of them.

My MIL tried all of this bullshit with us about 10 years ago. It was mortifying.

Lots of "someone's looking glowing, I think news might be on the horizon" infront of rooms of people. Little did she know that, had I been pregnant, I'd have aborted it. DH and I have never wanted kids - something we've stuck to (we're now 41 and 39) - but we don't see why we need to discuss it with anyone or justify our position.

DH eventually told her in no uncertain terms that she was forbidden from bringing up the subject again. If she'd continued to press, I was ready to say "perhaps DH doesn't want kids because you've put him off with the job you did with him" but thankfully never had to.

I'll also add, my MIL is always in catastrophic levels of debt, which she thinks we don't all know about.

I was braced to say "anyway, that's enough focus on my personal affairs, let's discuss your debts instead".

But again, thankfully I've not had to!!

As a mil and a gran I think her behaviour is completely stupid rude and crass. None of her business.

My dd 4 deffo won't have kids and that's completely her choice. It's good as I have grand dogs as well as children.

Tell her to go to one!

"I know you have needs, Doris, so do I, and so does Bill. Bill and I fuck all the time. We need to do it at least three times a day. We do it missionary, doggy, in the shower, on the kitchen table, in the car on the way round to your house. Bill fills me with spunk. Every time we fuck he shouts 'Mother! Mother!' That's calling for you, and calling for me to conceive. We're on your side, we really are."
Too much detail. Every time.

Shut it down. Shut it down NOW.

Get your DH to handle it and refer her to him every single time.

Good lord. If she's like that before you're even pregnant what will she be like after?!

Start putting boundaries in place now, whether or not you decide on having any kids.

If you're only 28, you've probably got another ten years to come to a decision about children. Just tell her you're in no hurry and she shouldn't hold her breath.

When l told my mother my (now ex) husband and l were splitting up, the first thing she said was "Is this because YOU don't want a family?"
When l was in my teens she fed me horror stories about childbirth, and told me not to have children "because they're nothing but bother." I'm an only child.
I actually had two miscarriages. Never got pregnant again.
But it honestly astounds me how some people think they have the right to pry into others' lives. I have two friends who have endometriosis, and haven't been able to conceive. Another who lost eight babies at various stages, which was heartbreaking.
Why do some women (it's almost always women, for some reason) who think it's acceptable to question why others haven't fallen pregnant/had babies? Does it occur to them that it isn't always personal choice?
It's intrusive and rude. It's really good your husband has the measure of her, and isn't taking any of her nonsense.
I'd be inclined to do what some PP have suggested, shut her down completely, and say something like "it's medical issues, and it's not going to happen, and we're not discussing it any further". It's none of her damn business.

First of all- it is for you and you DH to decide whether you want any children in the first place and her placing pressure on you is likely to push you over the fence to the no side because if she’s this pushy now about grandchildren she will be even worse once you are pregnant or baby is here.

secondly- IF you did want a child or children endometriosis does not necessarily mean no chance of that- I have 2 children despite being diagnosed with endo and polycystic ovaries. My youngest was conceived on the same day I had my implant taken out (he was due EXACTLY 40 weeks to the day after!)

my comeback would be “our view on having a child hasn’t changed” and repeat every time she brings it up.

I would be direct and say that you find her so overbearing at this stage that it has put you off having children and don’t ask again.

Oh that's pressure. My own mum didn't badger (I'm only child) was happy waiting until she was 76/77. Mils are maybe more removed from dils? I don't know. You need space.

This is a very good post.

I remember on Gransnet there was a post from someone who suspected that none of her AC would have children and thus make her a grandmother, and she said it was like grieving. She knew she had no right to expect gc but the desire was terribly strong. It was made much worse by all her friends talking about their gc and passing around (phone) photos of them whenever they met. I think that must be a world we don’t understand

By the way, most pp on that thread responded with “Never say never!” and giving their own stories of unexpected gc which to my mind made it much worse, prolonging the hope

This in no way excuses yourMIL’s behaviour, just giving a different perspective

A) Get your brother to block her/remove her from his social media, why on earth does he have his sister's mil on SM??

B) Get your DH to shut her down with a final 'It's none of your damned business whether we have kids or not, so stop asking'. I told my mother this as she kept on and on about it to the point of tedium.

Ask her. She is asking you

We were very upfront with DM and MIL once we hit mid 30s and people started being pushy and asking questions.

We simply told them that we didn't want children, there was no discussion to be had.

I really resent the idea that women "should" provide grandchildren.

I think I would take a slightly different approach more of

"We can't all have what we want, including us so please drop this. It's very upsetting for us"

So, bro has MIL on Facebook because they met at a family gathering and she added him and my bro accepted. I don't do all this Facebook business (in danger of sounding like my great gran here) so I don't really know what the adding friends etiquette is tbh.

Yes, my DH is really good at shutting her down. She seems to normally have a strop and get her way with others, but with DH it's just remarks/comments. She once had a strop about the baby thing and he distanced himself for a few months, which made her panic and apologise, so she doesn't push him anymore. However, she is still very much unable to accept when she can't control something/have her way and then she gets arsey.... which always has the opposite effect. I think she tries to wear people down, but you can't wear someone down into having a full baby! I don't visit with DH, but she comes over once every few weeks for a coffee, DH takes her out for a coffee if I'm not up to seeing her (which he says he will do going forward).

I do wonder as PPs have said, if it's some crazed instinct gone wrong. I know I need to stop trying to understand her though.

Also I'll tell DH to tell her no kids, instead of not for years yet etc - as you're right, she's probably holding on to that!