MIL WILL be a Gran - help?

[BigSmokeyBacon]

DH & I got married 2 years ago. I'm 28, he is 30. Been together 10 years altogether.

Ever since we got married, MIL has been really full on about having grandchildren. DH is her only child. She says I am her 'only chance to be a gran', that she 'WILL be a gran', that's she 'NEEDS to be a gran'.

DH normally shuts her down by saying we've got things we want to do first, and she will just have to wait. What she doesn't know is that I have complications with endo and we are both very on the fence about having kids, leaning more towards not having them now. Although this could change.

She asked when we were thinking, DH told her it will be years if we have any, she said 'no that's too long for ME to wait' and how unfair it was.

Am I wrong for thinking this is nuts? You don't have a child, so they also have a child? That having a child, doesn't make you entitled to their child/give you a right to tell them to provide a gc?

I wonder what she thinks having a gc will be like, as she works 6 days a week and says she can't retire for another 10 years. I don't understand this NEED she has, it's almost like grief, and she keeps having strops about it as she obviously can't control what we do. Her friends all have gc, I think this is also an issue. My brother's wife is pregnant and she has REALLY lain it on thick since she found out about that! So she's surrounded by it iyswim.

FIL is just as bad, saying he had to do it with DH so now it's our turn etc. At least we don't see him as much though...

Do I just move far, far away? 😆

His mother is both toxic and batshit so I would start limiting all contact with her going forward. She wants to play at being a parent again and could regard any child you have as hers and will likely encourage he/she to call her mummy.

Did you mean to be so rude? is another phrase I would be using on her.

Oh yeah @FinallyHere it has the opposite effect. It did really affect me over Christmas as she was really intense and I went on a downer for about 3 days and was completely freaked out by the possibility of kids. It's been better since then as we have barely seen her.

My mum once said that it was a shame it looked like there wouldn't be any more babies in the family and my response was that she was more than welcome to have another child. She hasn't mentioned it again since. You could try that approach?

Oh I like that @DinaFox 😆

And @AttilaTheMeerkat my DH didn't have the best childhood and I think she feels a lot of guilt around that. I wonder if her need for gc comes from having 'another chance' in a way.

There is nothing worse than a parent who goes on and on about being a grandparent! It is absolutely nothing to do with her whether or not you have a child, and unspeakably rude of her too.
You don't need to justify any decision you make, so tell her absolutely nothing and shut down any such conversations.
Worst case scenario, just tell her to F off and stop seeing/speaking to her.

"my DH didn't have the best childhood and I think she feels a lot of guilt around that. I wonder if her need for gc comes from having 'another chance' in a way".

Am not totally surprised to read he did not have the best childhood at her hands. I also think if anyone feels guilt here its not her. Has his mother ever apologised or actually accepted any responsibility for her actions?. She's not apologised to you.

Probably not because such people rarely if ever do this because they have no insight nor empathy. She wants another chance at playing mother again but this time around to your child.

What does your DH think of his mother and how do they get on these days?. Am so glad to read you have his support here because presenting a united front to someone like she is absolutely necessary.

All she's doing at the moment is showing that she still isn't a good parent to her son. So she certainly isn't showing that she'll be a good GM.

Just say I didn't realise my sex life had anything to do with you

Why did you only stop at one child? Surely you should have given yourself more options

Just grey rock her. 3 strikes and out.

”We’ll decide as and when. At the moment we aren’t even sure we want to. You will just have to wait and see, and it’s making us quite angry that you won’t let it go, so please stop going on about it”

”You’ve already been asked today to stop going on about it”

”Right, you are not respecting our request to stop going on about it so it’s time to leave “ And carry through with it.

Every single time you see her.

She’ll have no choice but to stop if you keep saying and doing the same thing every time. You are being polite but asserting boundaries.

In my late 20s I used to get this a lot from wider family. Without fail, EVERY time I saw them they were whittling on about why I wasn't having a baby yet... don't want to be too old etc. got it a lot from friends who had their own kids/were pregnant too.

One day, I said to my aunt and a pregnant friend, "would you keep asking me if you thought I couldn't have children?" Both shut up and never mentioned it again.

I didn't actually have fertility issues and didn't say that I did. I just asked a question. They took it the way they chose. Neither were brass neck enough to actually ask if I did.

I did go on to have children 5 years later in my mid 30s. Everyone was delighted of course!

I think people genuinely don't ask to piss you off. Children are a blessing and they are wonderful, but yes, it can get incredibly annoying to be asked all the time.

It's bizarre but not uncommon.

My Dsis has these in-laws. Her MIL and FIL have 2 grown up kids, a daughter and son (my BIL). Both kids rarely dated and were single for much of their youth - their parents (esp the MIL) would go on and on about NEEDING gcs, to the point that their daughter was considering becoming a SMBC, partly just to give her mother the gcs she was craving (and finally shut her up...)

Then luckily for them all, BIL met my Dsis and she was in the mood to get cracking so they got engaged, married and pregnant very fast. Then had a second kid - hurrah! So the MIL and FIL finally had the gcs and everyone could relax.

EXCEPT that they were in fact pretty terrible grand-parents - very bossy, making it all about them, posting a lot on SM despite being asked not to, throwing tantrums when they felt 'excluded' from something (like world book day costume choice at nursery, in one memorable example!) Generally created a bunch of nonsense drama.

They didn't help loads, didn't do any of the promised babysitting and didn't deliver any of the promised financial support. Dsis and BIL moved the family overseas in the end, at least partly to get some distance from the unhelpful obsession.

So from what my Dsis' experience has been, I'd say you just need to shut it down and encourage her to get a pet!

The fact she went off on one with you while drunk says all you need to know about her - and probably about your DH's childhood.

@AttilaTheMeerkat they get on OK. I think he copes by keeping their meetings short, and spaced out tbh. He shuts down anything she says that's out of order and just moves on. Or ignores it and moves on.

Maybe guilt isn't the right word. All I know is that she is deeply unhappy and seems very insecure around DHs childhood, his upbringing, her choices. She fell out with her entire family so DH had no cousins etc. She only really has DH, as she doesn't get on with her husband at all. She doesn't get on with anyone tbh!

Every time she mentions it, tap your nose and say " this is for smelling, not other people's business "

She is being completely out of order. I don’t think I’d engage any more on the topic. Agree on a short dismissive reply and don’t discuss it anymore.

Interesting @WoolyMammoth55 because I really think she wants a gc for some kind of 'status' thing. I don't think she will care about their wellbeing. I think it will be very much on her terms.

Would a few concerned questions to mil from your dh about her mental/social health be helpful? "You seem worryingly fixated on this Mum, its not healthy to be so obsessed with something like this that you don't have any control over. Im wondering if you should talk to a counsellor about it? You do mention it so much, it's worrying me that its a sign you have some troubles."

Then if she tries to put it back to you "but mum you know that's our decision not yours. I don't like it that you are getting yourself so het up over it. "

Distance & low contact. Avoid her, and refuse to discuss it when you do have to see her.

Why does she know your brother is having a baby? Just don't tell her stuff. It's not as if you want to spend lots of time with someone who behaves like this, is it?

"All I know is that she is deeply unhappy and seems very insecure around DHs childhood, his upbringing, her choices. She fell out with her entire family so DH had no cousins etc. She only really has DH, as she doesn't get on with her husband at all. She doesn't get on with anyone tbh!"

Its not your fault nor your H's she is like this and neither of you have made her that way.

The above are yet more red flags here re your MIL. Distance from her, both physical and mental, is necessary. I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward.

@LookingOldTheseDays she knows because she has my bro on social media, and he announced it on there. I don't have social media so I didn't realise she would find out.

Tell her she’s overwhelming and making you not want children at all with this constant pressure.

I couldn't cope with someone this overbearing being in my life at all. Not even for one day of the whole year.

I'd tell her you can't have them, and recommend she has more kids via donor sperm and donor eggs. Just close it down.
If in the future you can and want them, well, what a lovely surprise!

I would tell her that you don't know if you can/will have children, but that quite frankly her going on about it constantly is doing a good job of putting you off the idea.

This was my first thought too. Having had several close friends who never managed to get pregnant, I am very aware that having children, let alone grandchildren, is not a right. I would be telling her that no one is guaranteed to be able to have children, let alone grandchildren, and she needs to come to terms with that fact.

I would make my response very time, MIL, you do know that might not ever be possible, don't you? And suggest she has counselling if she can't come to terms with it.