MIL WILL be a Gran - help?

[BigSmokeyBacon]

DH & I got married 2 years ago. I'm 28, he is 30. Been together 10 years altogether.

Ever since we got married, MIL has been really full on about having grandchildren. DH is her only child. She says I am her 'only chance to be a gran', that she 'WILL be a gran', that's she 'NEEDS to be a gran'.

DH normally shuts her down by saying we've got things we want to do first, and she will just have to wait. What she doesn't know is that I have complications with endo and we are both very on the fence about having kids, leaning more towards not having them now. Although this could change.

She asked when we were thinking, DH told her it will be years if we have any, she said 'no that's too long for ME to wait' and how unfair it was.

Am I wrong for thinking this is nuts? You don't have a child, so they also have a child? That having a child, doesn't make you entitled to their child/give you a right to tell them to provide a gc?

I wonder what she thinks having a gc will be like, as she works 6 days a week and says she can't retire for another 10 years. I don't understand this NEED she has, it's almost like grief, and she keeps having strops about it as she obviously can't control what we do. Her friends all have gc, I think this is also an issue. My brother's wife is pregnant and she has REALLY lain it on thick since she found out about that! So she's surrounded by it iyswim.

FIL is just as bad, saying he had to do it with DH so now it's our turn etc. At least we don't see him as much though...

Do I just move far, far away? 😆

I think that some people have no cop on to realise that having kids is a couples choice. Mentioning it constantly about when are you going to give me a grandchildren can be horrible. I had a friend who always wanted a family and after they got married they waited a few years before trying due to circumstances. So they started trying and had tests. They went down the IVF route to have their 2 children and were married about 10 years before they had their 1st child. I figured out that they may have had some issues but I never asked her as I felt it was being to intrusive. She told me all they had be through once she announced her pregnancy after 3 months.

I worked with a lady a few years ago who has 2 sons. One son has kids and the other one does not. The son without kids and his wife had fertility issues and decided not to go down the IVF route because it had very little chance of success but they are happy with this decision.
The lady I worked with said she was glad they made this decision because it would have been very hard on them as a couple.

I’m sorry your MIL has psychological problems, sounds like she needs therapy to work through a lot of unresolved grief re not having more kids. Or maybe she’s just batshit crazy 🤷‍♀️

I’m also very sorry about the endo, I hope the doctors are able to sort it and that it isn’t too painful/dangerous.

But away from your MIL’s madness and the endo issues, there is a separate question as to whether you would like to one day be a mother. This is you and DH’s decision, no-one else. Of course MIL’s madness shouldn’t bully you into having a child you don’t want, but also, I hope you won’t allow her to put you off the idea or influence you in any way. Her issues are irrelevant to whether you become a mother. I’d urge you not to write off the idea, being a mum is the most fun I’ve ever had. Perhaps it isn’t for you, but perhaps it is. There is no rush to decide, you still have around a decade. But don’t let one batshit mum put you off what is usually a wonderful journey.

I’d be losing my patience with this one. I brought up in another thread recently how I don’t understand this desperate ‘need’ to be a grandparent. Sure it’ll be nice but there’s no biological clock ticking away in these people. Maybe time to drop the niceties and tell her to shut up and let you get on with your lives as you see fit. Just imagine what a granzilla this woman will be!! 😬

I'm childfree, as far as I can know, at 39. DH and I have never wanted kids, and have no plans for kids in our future. We've been together 18 years.
But I'd never say "we're never having kids" to anyone. What if you wake up one day and decide you DO want them? Then you'll have to explain yourself to lots of bird-brained idiots, who don't appreciate nuance, who tell you, with great pleasure, "see, I KNEW you'd change your mind!"
I just think it's truly noone's business but your own. To hell with your MIL's expectations - they're hers to manage, not yours.

The fuck is wrong with her?

I’m glad your H is on the same page, but what the actual fuck is she thinking?

If she’s this unbelievably un-boundaried now, imagine how appalling she’s be if you had decided to pursue having children? She’s a maniac.

I really don’t care about any deep-seated issues she might have over her own child’s upbringing, talking about and to a woman as though their only existence in your own mind is to produce a grandchild, for your own delectation, is repugnant.

No one 'gives' anyone grandchildren.

They, as a couple, may or may not choose to have a family.

The arrogance behind this presumption is really next-level.

Ignorre her.

There is no "right" to have a grandchild, and crazy that she wants this at all.
Sounds like she would like a baby almost as a toy- for her satisfaction and desires, actually a little creepy..

My own children are in their 20s, have no kids,, hand on heart I have no longing whatsoever to be a grandparent. Grandparents don't get a say in that decision.

I have no doubt that if a grandchild came along I would love that baby and offer support to the parents- but equally if they never have children then that is totally fine- I think there are many ways to lead a happy fulfilled life without having children.

I have 2 dgc.
If I didn't have any I would feel a bit sad but I wouldn't say anything to my dc.
It's not up to your mil whether or not you have dc and she shouldn't comment.

Tbf having dgc is totally different to having dc. My dc already comment on how much softer I am with the dgc.

You need to make her aware there could be underlying issues she’s not aware of and to never bring it up again. Try not to be rude but just say in an exasperated way ‘Please Janet, not this again. You really have no idea’.

Tell her you are busy practising 😂.
I fended my mother off for years with that one.
But I do think among groups of women, discussing the grandchildren becomes the topic of conversation. I wonder if there is competitive grand parenting talk and you gain more kudos in your circle the more you have?

Get her a puppy and tell her that's the closest she will get to a grandchild. How infuriating! Sorry you have to listen to this shit!

But I don't understand this concept of fending someone off for years. If you think you won't have children I think it's better for you AND your inlaws to just say that.
As OP gets older the MIL will become more and more stressed about time running out. Just tell her "I have a medical condition which means I probably can't have children. We probably don't want them anyway. Please don't mention it again, it's upsetting". It's far better that the MIL comes to terms with it than stringing her along for years saying "Oh maybe one day".
Honesty is the only way to get her off your back.

As others have said, her issues about this are hers and not your burden to address by making a life choice you don't want and inflicting that on the resulting child!

I can see it's disappointing for her, but the answer is not forcing it on you.

Personally I don't believe my kids 'owe' me grandchildren and right now I feel happy enough with the idea of not having any as long as that's what my kids want for themselves.

@ZeldaB I felt very put off at Christmas, just because of how she went on. I thought oh dear, imagine we did have kids! I know that's so wrong and I shouldn't let her influence me, but her behaviour freaks me out a bit. I fear I'd 'have more to do with her' if we had kids.

We've spoken about moving away. When I think of moving away, I imagine us with kids and being happy and giving them a good life. However, I'm also aware that kids come with lots of sacrifices, and we have a good life, don't know if I'd cope well with IVF (been off BC for 4 years and no kids), so maybe I should just be grateful for what I've got and make the most of it. I don't think it's the be all and end all for me tbh.

Tell her her son is firing blanks. That usually shuts them up.

“Did you know that around 1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility? I’m not going to tell you if we’re one of those couples, but maybe you’ll think about how hurtful your question might be to someone?”

or

“Gosh, what a strange and inappropriate thing to ask, and to nag about! We don’t want to hear your opinions about our reproduction, so please stop”

or
”Brenda, fuck off. It’s none of your business and you you’re starting to really piss us off”

toyally totally U of MIL. Why can’t she volunteer hugging babies, or an after school club. A library song along. She has baby fever clearly. Op. You are not a baby machine. She needs to wind her neck in

"At the moment when we aren't ready yet, every time you ask makes me want to wait an extra year - but when we do feel ready, if we have any kind of fertility issues every time you ask is going to feel like a stab in the heart so please just have mercy and keep your own desires for yourself. If it's going to happen it is not going to happen any sooner for you pestering"

I'd be sad if I didn't become a GP but I'd never put that on my dc. Their life and their choice. Like others suggested you both just need to be blunter- 'if you bring this up again we're just going to hang up the phone/ walk away'.

I would never say this out in the public or put pressure on my DIL but I would love to be grandparent. I can’t bloody wait for the day but it’s their choice. I’m not going to lie I will be sad if I didn’t get grandbabies. However I will keep it under wraps and never say this to my children. It’s not fair.

She is just rude and bossy!
I'd probably ignore her and the subject whenever it comes up.

My grandmother used to say 'violets' in a loud clear voice whenever someone brought up a subject she felt was unsuitable for the company.
It did distract (and puzzle) her audience and meant she didn't need to enage with whatever had been said.

Things to say:

Statistics to share in a dreamy voice:
1 in 8 couples can't have children together.
1 in 4 couples choose not to have children together.
0 couples include prospective-grandparents in contraceptive plans.

Followed by steely glare and ' I don't intend to talk about this with you ever again.'

Or a rude: 'Perhaps you should try for another yourself?'

You could try
Sad look: 'we don't have any gooseberry bushes in our garden and have never seen a stork.'

Irritated look: 'babies are disgusting'. Followed by revolted gesture and moving away.

My grandmother used to say 'violets' in a loud clear voice whenever someone brought up a subject she felt was unsuitable for the company.

@LiesDoNotBecomeUs this is hilarious! I'm going to try this!

Urgh. What an awful woman.

I remember my exFIL in the full knowledge of our fertility struggles watching something on the TV and seeing John Barrowman had married his husband. It launched him into a rant about marriage being for children. I coolly asked him if he thought the same about our marriage, given that there were no children nor were there likely to be. Ignorant old bastard.

She needs telling straight.

If she wants a something to look after that much she needs to get a puppy or a kitten.

I’m not going to lie I will be sad if I didn’t get grandbabies

You know they will quickly NOT be babies don't you? They grow into messy sticky irrational toddlers, and complex children, and quite often nightmare teenagers. My sister's children are vile to my mum. She loves babies too, but is struggling with the seven year old and the teenager.

"MIL, can you please stop bringing up the subject, as it's hurtful. It's actually quite unlikely that we will be able to have children. I don't ever want to have to talk about this again"