Husband hates being asked to do stuff

[twoblueskies]

I'm a SAHM two children aged 15 and 9. He works away in the week
I'm happy doing everything while he's away . But at times when he's home he doesn't like to be asked to do anything . Last night I asked him to pick his clothes up from bathroom flour . It was tidy until he used it . He said he was busy on his phone. I reminded him just before we had to go out and he huffed and stomped around before doing it creating a bad atmosphere.
Today he usually takes youngest to a club . I'm doing something later so I can't do it and he usually does it . I've asked him and he's said yes and rolled over . Do I get our Dd up and ready or leave her . I'm not sure he's going to do it and I can't . If I ask again I know I'm going to get attitude again .

OP why is it "not possible" for you to work?

With a 15yr old and a 9yr old?

Also, why are you going to the shop every day? Your time doesn't sound very well utilised.

If you're not working on the basis you were a high earner, but now DH earns more than your old wage and his old wage combined, then perhaps he feels his covering both person's financial responsibilities and you should be covering both people's housework?

Please don’t tell me you’re trying to convince us that you work a 12 hour day?
when I worked full time, I would get up at 5.30, make lunches, get baby up and fed, get older child up and ready for school. Drop off kids at childminders ‘ breakfast club and drive to work by 8am. Leave work at 5, pick up kids, home by 6, feed kids (DH would have meal ready for us) either do bedtime or tidy kitchen, spend an hour or so planning/marking then bed for 10. That’s what I class as a full day’s work.
Shopping / housework / visits to elderly MIL all took place at weekend.

you need to get a job, stop ‘asking’ your dh to do stuff - just tell him!

@TwinsAndTiramisu , she shops and does jobs for her mum every morning and has two children of school age.
She has a house to run, school runs to do etc.
She doesn't financially need to work.
If she had a job, she'd be fitting everything else into her down time...

@DuchessOfSausage

And that would be a problem because?

Thats life? Most people do everything the op has described and work?

Why should the OP pick up her husband’s clothes from the floor just because she’s a SAHM? What does that even mean?!

If they are financially secure and one child has additional needs and she needs to help elderly parent, it is probably easier to currently not work, especially when the other parent is away during the week. If the 9yo can’t cope with after school club due to her additional needs how to people suggest school holidays are covered whilst OP is working and DH is away

Pop the clothes from bathroom floor in to a bin bag and leave in garage or out of sight. Same for teens. Husbands or partners not contributing to family life is tedious.

I didn't mind doing the majority of house stuff when my husband was working long hours, but I did and do expect him to not CREATE work for me.
Happy to do the laundry (prefer not to let him near my clothes that need to be washed!) but his clothes need to be IN the hamper, with pockets emptied and socks not balled up.
I don't pick his clothes off the floor

I agree that people are missing that your husband is working away during the week.

If course there will be sime single parents who habe no choice but to work and juggle childcare alone, but I'm not sure many would choose to live that life if money was taken out of the equation. OP has at least couple of years yet where the 9yo can reliably get herself to and/or from school alone.

My DH always pulls his weight at home, but I've always made it clear that if he doesn't want me to have to act like his mum, he shouldn't treat me like his mum. However, in any relationship you need to work together to get things done. It's strange that he doesn't seem to want to do basic Dad stuff.

*before the 9yo can get herself to school

Yes, why exactly is she going to the shop everyday? My DM does the same for DNan, except she does one click and collect a week, and pops over maybe once more. What are all these "jobs" she needs to do everyday for her DM? Presumably the daily shopping is for OP as well. This is a massive waste of time.

She's not a SAHM. Both DC are in full time education, one less than three years from adulthood. She gets them ready for school, drops them off and then has the rest of the day until pick up. Housework when there's no DC home all day to work around or making any mess is not a full time task.

OP does need to work. The reason she doesn't is her DH covers that for her. She is not exempt from bills or her own living costs, it's just someone else works to pay them. If DH is covering 100% of her financial responsibilities, is it so outrageous that she covers the housework, which is no more than another woman working full time would do, as there is no one at home all day apart from her.

But you think the OPs DH shouldn't have to do both domestic chores and work. Only the OP should. Coz woman. Obvs.

@philautia @threecupsofteaminimum You both seem to be excusing this lazy man, or making excuses that he is so stupid he needs to be trained and made to think tidying up is his own idea. He is not a child, he should man up and grow up all on his own.

@TwinsAndTiramisu they are a family unit and as such the tasks and wages are shared equally.

I don't believe that she has said she wants him to do housework. She just wants him to pick up after himself i.e not create unnecessary work for her, and not change agreed plans with their daughter that she has made arrangements around.

And OP doesn't do "work" just domestic chores.

They both do less.

What happens if her DM needs more than just popping in once a week? Who does childcare for 9yo if OP is working?

@Botw1 ,And that would be a problem because?
Thats life? Most people do everything the op has described and work?

Do you work, have 2 DC of school age, one with SN, do all the Mon-Fri childcare, do chores for your mum, etc? Does your DH begrudge picking his discarded clothes off the bathroom floor and taking DC to clubs when he's home for the weekend?

Maybe DM does need that extra support. Should that fall on DH work to cover OPs financial responsibilities, so OP can do jobs for her mum?

Childcare? You mean the couple of hours after school each day, where you can use wraparound care. That's literally the bit of childcare OP does, that someone working full time has to cover.

Why should someone do 40hrs a week paid work, and 50% housework, whilst the other just does 50% housework? Weekends are already joint childcare.

I got sick of the drama and dickish behaviour when I was dealing with a two year old and newborn twins (one with cancer) and he was travelling with work and had his head up his arse too. I would collect everything he threw on the floor for me to (trip over) deal with from all around the house, shove it in a garbage bag, and put it in his cupboard. He didn’t notice the accumulation of garbage bags in the bottom of his cupboard, but he did begin to notice that he was running out of uniforms, his favourite coffee cups, teaspoons, sneakers, sunglasses, clean undies, socks, etc. Finally, he cracked and yelled, “Where the fuck is all my stuff?” - “It’s in your cupboard”. He asked why it was all festy and mixed up with dirty cups, spoons, plates, lots of “I was looking for that!”, etc. I explained that all of those things had been left for me on the floor. Each time I had asked him to pick it up and put it away he’d been a dick, so I put it in a rubbish bag and put it in the cupboard. Now he knows how rude he is and how I absolutely will not tolerate it, he had better treat me and his things and our mutual space with some respect because if he doesn’t, the next time he goes looking for his missing stuff, the garbage bags will be in the wheelie bin, and he’d better check before bin day.

Yes I work. Part time, from home. I cover 25% household expenses. I have young twins in nursery, but not full time. I have a 14yr old with SN. My mother is currently recovering from surgery, so yes I am providing help there. And I help out DNan as well.

My DH dumps clothes everywhere. He's untidy and a bit useless in the housework respect. However, we're quite clear that if I'm providing 25% of the household income, he does 25% of the chores. So he does the dishwasher, the bins, clears the fridge out for the shop. We split childcare at the weekends.

So yes, frankly, with much older children, one less than me. No childcare other than wraparound care, and zero financial contribution to her household, I would expect OP not to be huffing about picking up something off the bathroom floor. Does he huff at her paying for nothing all year?

He gets arsey when asked to pick his clothes up off the bathroom floor - is he 13!

Who said anything about huffing @TwinsAndTiramisu .

Shopping and housework everyday 🙄 if I was working to pay for someone else to stay at home I'd drop my pants on the floor just to get my monies worth.
Seriously though I would expect someone who didn't work to do most things at the weekend as their kids are at school all day. The husband is doing things, he's taking one child to activities so is involved in family life. He can pick his clothes up when he's ready.

Hi OP poster, google “weaponised incompetence”. This is what it sounds like is happening in your household. It has zero to do with whether or not you’re employed, and everything to do with him relying on you not realising the reality of how he is treating you.

@TwinsAndTiramisu what about school holidays, who would do that if OP was working? Assuming elderly mum wouldn't be able to help out