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Original poster

Dh wants to leave

132 replies

Notsureofnextsteps81 · 04/03/2023 08:15

Dh and I have been in a rocky patch for a while. We have good and bad days but the bad days are being more frequent

Last night he announced he wanted to leave and was pretty ready to pack his bags and go (he didn't in the end) this was brought on by the fact I wouldn't leave our 18 month old screaming on the step where he had been put by dh to calm down as he was having a tantrum)

He says I am controlling and I undermine him. He thinks I'm a bad wife as I don't give him enough attention, we don't have enough sex and when we do it's the same boring thing all the time

We have 2 children (7 years and 18 months) and both have busy full time jobs. He also works 4 weeks out of 6 on nights.

Majority of childcare falls to me when he is nights (understandably) but then he gets upset when I just get on and do stuff around the house and don't ask him for help

I don't know what to do

OP posts:
OliveToboogie · 04/03/2023 12:17

Sorry things seem so bleak. You both have very busy lives but he doesn't get to bail out and leave it all to you. I think you need to have a talk when you are both calmer. Maybe when kids in bed. See if it is worth saving. If not make sure you get what your entitled to. Xx

Bigbus · 04/03/2023 12:23

I hate it when men say it’s their partner’s fault for not giving them enough sex. What is wrong with these (not all) men??? You have two small children, you are right in the thick of it. You should be in this together, not him moaning that you don’t give him enough attention. Sorry OP. He doesn’t sound very nice.

millymollymoomoo · 04/03/2023 12:40

Well tbh if your husband has put your child on time out and you get him off thst is undermining

hiwever, you need to both be on the same page on his to discipline. If it’s your way of nothing that is controlling abc he has a right to be fed up

sounds like you need to sit and down and really talk about things and come up with a plan of how you can work together rather than against each other

pointythings · 04/03/2023 12:46

How long was your 18mo on time out for, and does your husband know it should only be 1 minute per year of life (so 90 seconds for your DC)?

IME time out doesn't work on children that young. I've always found the best way to handle it was to wait it out quietly, as long as child was in a safe place, stay calm and cuddle when they came out of it. 18 months is barely more than a baby.

One thing I would suggest is letting go the reins and letting him help more if he wants to.

Original poster
Notsureofnextsteps81 · 04/03/2023 14:04

He had already been on the step for 5 - 6 minutes when I intervened. I don't agree with it as a form of discipline but I was trying not to get involved but when I could hear him getting to the point of making himself sick I couldn't leave him any longer. When he slightly older then its different but he's not even 2 yet

I want to save our relationship bur DH said this morning that he's not sure. I told him I don't want to lose him and he said there's loads he's wants but doesn't mean he's going to get it

I have tried asking him to help. Youngest doesn't sleep through although normally wakes once/twice, has a drink and goes straight back to sleep but is teething at the moment so had a bad night the other night. If I had stayed for 20 minutes and rubbed his back he would have gone back to sleep but according to dh I'm not allowed to do that so after struggling for 2 hours I woke Dh and asked him to which he called me a c* for waking him and then again for not waking him sooner

Today he also called me stupid and a f* idiot in front of the children for doing nothing other than standing in front of a cupboard he then wanted to get into

OP posts:
pointythings · 04/03/2023 14:12

OK, so you were right to step in because his 'discipline' was excessive. Is this a pattern for him, and does he dismiss you when you point him towards sources of information on parenting?

It's really concerning that you are not 'allowed' to settle your child in the way you know will get him off to sleep, especially since he is at an age where separation anxiety kicks in and disturbed sleep is pretty normal. That's pretty controlling behaviour from your husband.

The name calling is also bad. I'm thinking that if he wants to leave - let him. He's a bad husband and a bad parent.

AliasGrape · 04/03/2023 14:20

He sounds like an awful husband and a worse parent from what you’ve posted, and I’m not sure what it is about him you don’t want to lose? Being called a cunt in front of your children is not something you should be keen to cling onto.

Im sure there’s more nuance and detail to it than that - but it’s very concerning and gaslighty that he calls you controlling whilst also telling you how you are and aren’t allowed to comfort your child in the night, and that he wants to keep a baby in time out until they’re so distressed they are sick.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 04/03/2023 14:20

Take control op, tell him if he doesn't want to be with you then yes, he has to leave. Dont play the 'pick me dance' he'll forever string you along. Sounds like there needs to be compromises and better behaviour from both sides, but you need to ask him, what is he going to do to improve the relationship also. He's outlined what HE wants, but what do YOU want, and is he willing to change his behaviour. Such as doing his fair share to help you get the rest you need, then you might have time to show him attention etc. it's not a one way street, a relationship is a partnership

Dillydollydingdong · 04/03/2023 14:26

So he lies there fast asleep while baby is crying, but you're not allowed to soothe child in the way you know will work? What's the matter with the man? I would have woken him much sooner and told him to do it - not by putting him on the stairs either.

Original poster
Notsureofnextsteps81 · 04/03/2023 14:29

The problem is he works a lot of shifts (mak my nights) so isn't here a lot during the week and then at weekends is at football most of the time so I have fallen into the habit of doing most things myself which I try and ask him to help when he is here. However if I ask him to help and get something out while I sort the children (especially the youngest who is very muhmch a mummy's child as I'm the more constant figure) he'll complain that I just use him to do chores and pay a few bills

I actively try and involve him in things with the children but instead of getting on the floor to play he thinks children should bring toys to us.

OP posts:
Sugarplumfairy65 · 04/03/2023 14:31

Get rid of him. He's making your life far more difficult than it needs to be

HamBone · 04/03/2023 14:32

He sounds like a rubbish Dad, tbh. Did he have a difficult childhood himself-and therefore had no idea how to interact with children?

Even if he did, that doesn’t explain why he’s being such a lousy partner as well…spending all weekend at football and calling you names isn’t on. I’d let him go, tbh. What’s the point of having someone like him around.

AlwaysGinPlease · 04/03/2023 14:33

Sugarplumfairy65 · 04/03/2023 14:31

Get rid of him. He's making your life far more difficult than it needs to be

Agreed. I'd be packing his bags for him!

Dryshampoofordays · 04/03/2023 14:35

Your poor little kids, and poor you. What a horrible man!

Bettyboop3 · 04/03/2023 14:37

Time out/the naughty step is actually a dated way of thinking and definitely not effective for an 18 month old. Their brain is in no way developed enough to deal with this or its associations.

RoseThornside · 04/03/2023 14:37

He sounds awful. Let him go.

Travelfan2021 · 04/03/2023 14:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

HamBone · 04/03/2023 14:49

I wouldn’t tell him to go, OP, because then he can turn around and say that “you told me to go” and tell everyone else that’s what you did.

Next time he’s threatening to leave, don’t say anything, go out or into another room. Let him get on with it and leave.

devildeepbluesea · 04/03/2023 14:51

Bloody hell he sounds worse with every post.

Why on earth would you want to stay married to that?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/03/2023 14:51

Sounds like even when he is there he isn't adding any value so I'd just let him go.

Original poster
Notsureofnextsteps81 · 04/03/2023 14:53

I think I switched off a while ago. He threatened to go last night and I didn't stop him really. He didn't go though

I don't know how i would cope only having the children every other weekend. I mean it may be i have them more because of his shifts and football but they are my world and I don't want to not see them for days on end etc

OP posts:
TrinnySmith · 04/03/2023 14:55

Good job no one sae DS sitting screaming on the step as they’d have contacted SS. Are you in the U.K.?

HamBone · 04/03/2023 14:57

Why would you only have them every other weekend? Given how uninvolved he is in childcare, he’s unlikely to want them the majority of the time.

MintJulia · 04/03/2023 14:57

He isn't worth keeping. He sounds selfish and lazy. What does he add to the family, apart from moaning and ill temper?

Your life and that of your dcs will be much happier without him.

PuttingOnTheKitsch · 04/03/2023 14:58

TrinnySmith · 04/03/2023 14:55

Good job no one sae DS sitting screaming on the step as they’d have contacted SS. Are you in the U.K.?

As if. Many a thread on here shows that people are very keen to mind their own business and avoid contacting SS at all costs.

OP has enough on her plate without added catastrophising.

Whoever said "Don't tell him to go, because then he'll tell everyone you said that", why should OP care what he says?

OP - he sounds awful. Can you cope financially without him?

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