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Original poster

Dh wants to leave

132 replies

Notsureofnextsteps81 · 04/03/2023 08:15

Dh and I have been in a rocky patch for a while. We have good and bad days but the bad days are being more frequent

Last night he announced he wanted to leave and was pretty ready to pack his bags and go (he didn't in the end) this was brought on by the fact I wouldn't leave our 18 month old screaming on the step where he had been put by dh to calm down as he was having a tantrum)

He says I am controlling and I undermine him. He thinks I'm a bad wife as I don't give him enough attention, we don't have enough sex and when we do it's the same boring thing all the time

We have 2 children (7 years and 18 months) and both have busy full time jobs. He also works 4 weeks out of 6 on nights.

Majority of childcare falls to me when he is nights (understandably) but then he gets upset when I just get on and do stuff around the house and don't ask him for help

I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Mumsanetta · 04/03/2023 16:21

Oh OP, this is absolutely not a marriage worth saving. Yes, being a single parent will be tough but, you are practically a single
parent anyway and think of the relief you will feel to live in a home where you are not called a cunt or a fucking idiot by the person who is meant to be the love of your life.

Goingoutdancing · 04/03/2023 16:27

I'd be letting him leave as soon as he could fuck off.

He sounds like a twat

Jooliusreezer · 04/03/2023 18:17

He is a nasty shit. He’s no loss.

Why the fuck did he object to you going back to work and getting a promotion?!

DemelzaandRoss · 04/03/2023 18:23

You will be 100% better off without this horrible man. He is damaging you and your DC.
Please enlist the support of your parents. Hopefully they will be horrified at his treatment of you & DC.
Life is too short to live like this. It will be a challenge but you need to become a single parent for the sake of your children as well as yourself.

piedbeauty · 04/03/2023 18:35

Op, he's a nasty cunt. Ask him to leave. Your life will be infinitely nicer.

smokeyrabbit · 04/03/2023 18:58

Bettyboop3 · 04/03/2023 14:37

Time out/the naughty step is actually a dated way of thinking and definitely not effective for an 18 month old. Their brain is in no way developed enough to deal with this or its associations.

Exactly this- how bloody awful. My dd is 20m and I couldn't imagine her even really understanding this! It seems horrid and really really outdated. Makes me feel sad actually.

SheilaFentiman · 04/03/2023 19:27

He’s a horrible man. Next time he threatens to go, let him

Givemes · 04/03/2023 21:47

Sorry OP…
What a manchild ffs

Daffodilsandbeer · 04/03/2023 21:52

It’s over op. He’s just not even wanting to pretend, it’s over and you’re out I’m sorry,

MissMaple82 · 04/03/2023 22:10

millymollymoomoo · 04/03/2023 12:40

Well tbh if your husband has put your child on time out and you get him off thst is undermining

hiwever, you need to both be on the same page on his to discipline. If it’s your way of nothing that is controlling abc he has a right to be fed up

sounds like you need to sit and down and really talk about things and come up with a plan of how you can work together rather than against each other

Time out/naughty step is NOT recommended anymore, so she's right to take him away from the situation that clearly wasn't working

MissMaple82 · 04/03/2023 22:11

He sounds like a twat. I'd think yourself lucky if he does fuck off

CovertImage · 04/03/2023 22:54

It sounds like he's trying to get you to end it - he can claim that you're the bad bugger to family and friends (if he has any).

"Dh was and can be amazing. It's just the last few years that have changed, since having children."

If it's a few years since he was "amazing" it's a few years too long. I really hope for your sake that he leaves. You'll be fine in the end

Opentooffers · 05/03/2023 00:27

He's a controling man and it looks like it's based on jealousy of you and how well you do in life. Every successful thing you have done, he should of been proud of you and backed you. You've managed to do the majority of the household tasks and child rearing while working and also getting promoted. But he doesn't like any of that because he's the type who wants a woman to be in his shadow.
Have to say the shifts he does are quite awful, 4 weeks of nights out of 6 is no way to live, but it's down to him to look for something better rather than being bitter. He wants a woman to be dependent on him so that he has power. Unfortunately for him, you kept your independence. If all he does in bring negativity, he is making himself obsolete.
He could well be intimidated about how well you are doing, and embarrassed about feeling stuck in a job he may not like. But it's his choice to be angry and blame you, rather than be honest and seek help and support to change things.

Sunriseinwonderland · 05/03/2023 00:31

Yet another whiny sex twat - I've had one off those OP now gone, not just satisfied with having sex but also needs constant entertainment and variety.
My response to that is fuck off and look after your children sometimes.
What an ass.

Original poster
Notsureofnextsteps81 · 05/03/2023 07:37

Well I tried talking to him last night and got no where. He says I have ruined him and although I've tried to acknowledge I need to change (which I don't think I need to) he doesn't think he does

I said I want to save us, he isn't sure so I guess that's that

OP posts:
ZoZoisresting · 05/03/2023 07:40

I think it is hard on men when sex is suddenly withheld more and more and they feel unwanted and stressed by this. I think when you do it more, you like it more and the smoother life with men goes. Of course round here that’s probably heresy.

I wish I had more advice. It’s very hard when both work full time with kids I think. There’s just so many stressors.

Vegrocks · 05/03/2023 08:28

I've tried to acknowledge I need to change (which I don't think I need to)

Well why say it then op?

Vegrocks · 05/03/2023 08:31

The only baffling thing about this scenario is that you actively want the marriage to continue.

He doesn’t
and in all likelihood your children will be a heck of a lot happier if you weren’t together

and you don’t seem that keen on him either

what is actually making you so keen to continue this ghastly relationship?

Velvian · 05/03/2023 08:31

@ZoZoisresting , sex isn't being 'witheld' OP finds her DH's beard a massive turn off.

I'm very dubious about 'witholding' sex as a concept or even a possibility. It comes with some disturbing assumptions.

ZoZoisresting · 05/03/2023 08:40

@Velvian

What beard? What are you talking about?
If this is the case (I couldn’t see it written by OP) she probably needs to get over it unless his beard is Merlin length or something. It’s pretty normal for men to have beards at some point.

I think if OP is easily upset and then put off sex that is withholding sex because she can’t see beyond her own upset and try to empathise with her husbands needs occasionally.

Say what you will but marriages go a lot smoother with regular sex and the more you have the less of a big deal it is. If OP goes on withholding it will likely ruin her marriage.

MNisMyGuiltyPleasure · 05/03/2023 08:43

Dh and I have been in a rocky patch for a while.

Can I ask why you 'recently' had a second child with him then?

SquishyGloopyBum · 05/03/2023 08:47

I think you need to ask yourself why you want this to work? He's awful to you. It's no way to bring up children in this environment.

Pardon45 · 05/03/2023 08:49

Notsureofnextsteps81 · 05/03/2023 07:37

Well I tried talking to him last night and got no where. He says I have ruined him and although I've tried to acknowledge I need to change (which I don't think I need to) he doesn't think he does

I said I want to save us, he isn't sure so I guess that's that

Sounds like a power play to me. He wants you to beg. Fuck that. You are already doing everything already. Tell him to close the door on his way out.

BrilliantUsername · 05/03/2023 08:49

I would imagine for him to say this,
he's been feeling/thinking it for a while.

He will be building up resentment/contempt and that will be growing over time, unfortunately in this situation he seems to have made up his mind he's not happy, he's unhappy in his relationship sexually and emotionally the two key elements so he's checked out and ready to leave.
I'd say if he hasn't already found someone else he's looking and then it will be your fault somebody else gives him what he needs.

Find someone worthy of you, someone who'll fight for you not someone who will walk away the moment there's an opportunity because you know that opportunity/excuse will be in the form of another woman and do you really want to be looking out for that.
You deserve to be appreciated not resented by this horrible git.

Hallmark1234 · 05/03/2023 08:55

You can't do wrong for doing right and that will never change in your DH eyes.

He wants to moan at you and treat you like his personal whipping boy and the threats to leave are to make you toe the line

Ignore his threats to leave, but I think you should take steps to separate from him, as I fear his behaviour will only get worse. I know it's easy for me to say, but maybe start to consider it a possibility?