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Original poster

Dh wants to leave

132 replies

Notsureofnextsteps81 · 04/03/2023 08:15

Dh and I have been in a rocky patch for a while. We have good and bad days but the bad days are being more frequent

Last night he announced he wanted to leave and was pretty ready to pack his bags and go (he didn't in the end) this was brought on by the fact I wouldn't leave our 18 month old screaming on the step where he had been put by dh to calm down as he was having a tantrum)

He says I am controlling and I undermine him. He thinks I'm a bad wife as I don't give him enough attention, we don't have enough sex and when we do it's the same boring thing all the time

We have 2 children (7 years and 18 months) and both have busy full time jobs. He also works 4 weeks out of 6 on nights.

Majority of childcare falls to me when he is nights (understandably) but then he gets upset when I just get on and do stuff around the house and don't ask him for help

I don't know what to do

OP posts:
MamOfFive · 04/03/2023 15:04

He sounds like a rubbish husband and a rubbish dad.
The sex thing isn't your fault your running around after two kids not getting a break and he just demands it on a tap.

Mischance · 04/03/2023 15:06

Lots of men have unrealistic expectations of what life as an adult is all about.

Your OH wants more sex - and less boring sex, more time to pursue his football, a let-out from truly trying to understand how children need parenting, carte-blanche to verbally abuse you ........ and so it goes on. In other words he wants to be a carefree bachelor with a sex object on tap and no responsibilities.

He cannot have this - it bears no resemblance to real life as a adult. But so many men persist in this delusion.

OP - I am so sorry you fund yourself saddled with this silly apology for an adult, but I absolutely understand why you, and other women like you, feel reluctant to split and have to deal with the issues around child care. Apart from hating the idea of being apart from your children when he has their care, it must agony to contemplate how he will parent them out of your sight. But .... remember that while he might be enthusiastic for shared care when and if you part, he might find the realities of the task too burdensome to his life plan and gradually drop out.

What a horrible situation for you to be in.

Swimminpoo · 04/03/2023 15:07

Oh love, it sounds like he neither likes or loves you anymore. Has he met someone else?
It doesn't sound like he'd be very interested in having the children too often so I'd not worry about that x

Original poster
Notsureofnextsteps81 · 04/03/2023 15:14

It would be tight financially and we would have to sell the house which breaks my heart but its manageable.

Luckily I went back to work after maternity leave (something else DH objected to) and recently got a promotion at work (again something he objected to)

OP posts:
HamBone · 04/03/2023 15:21

He sounds like a man-child, OP. You’re mature, financially responsible and a responsible partner.

The more you say, the more it sounds like an empty threat to me. Let him leave if he wants to and deal with the consequences.

pointythings · 04/03/2023 15:22

Yeah, he objected to you working and wasn't happy with your promotion because it meant you weren't under his thumb and he didn't have the control he wanted. This man does not love you. Protect your DC and get out. Right now they are in his presence 7 days a week. If you leave they will be exclusively in yours at least half the time (and it is unlikely he will want or be able to manage 50/50). Start lining up those ducks and get shot of him.

Dotcheck · 04/03/2023 15:27

Jesus.
Yeah, let him go

Peachy2005 · 04/03/2023 15:32

Call his bluff…tell him to leave. He sounds abusive - hopefully you can repair the damage he’s doing to all of you. A house is just a house! He doesn’t sound like he’d want to have the kids anyway.

DaphneduM · 04/03/2023 15:33

Sadly I think this marriage has run its course and you and your children will be better placed without him. Regarding his contact with the children, from what you say about his football I bet you'll probably have them mostly to yourself, so I wouldn't worry too much about that. Sorry, OP - been there are got the t-shirt myself, many years ago now - so I know what you're going through.

Original poster
Notsureofnextsteps81 · 04/03/2023 15:43

I currently switch between thinking it's over and making plans to crying in disbelief that I'm in this situation

Dh was and can be amazing. It's just the last few years that have changed, since having children.

I had bad PPA with the first one, was much better with the youngest but now if I do anything that DH thinks is controlling he will blame the anxiety I had with the oldest even tho there's been no sign of this time.

I just don't know what to do. I heard dh shouting at our eldest when I was getting the toddler up from his nap for no reason. He hasn't engaged with me at all today, when I have tried to talk he just shuts me down.

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/03/2023 15:51

I heard dh shouting at our eldest when I was getting the toddler up from his nap for no reason. He hasn't engaged with me at all today, when I have tried to talk he just shuts me down.
He sounds awful and that is abusive treatment of all of you. Flowers

pointythings · 04/03/2023 15:51

Men who are inclined to be controlling or abusive often change when children arrive because they think that is when they have you tied down so you can't leave. And it is harder.

Him bringing up your PPA is just him using another of the sticks he has to beat you with.

He's hideous to your toddler and shouts at your older one. He does not support your career. See him clearly - this is not someone you want to share the rest of your life with.

feellikeanalien · 04/03/2023 15:58

Sounds like he wants to leave but might feel guilt about it deep down. Maybe if he can get you to tell him to go it might make him able to justify to himself that he tried but you threw him out.

AgentJohnson · 04/03/2023 16:00

Your H is abusive and he’s a rubbish parent. He wants the glory of being a dad but really doesn’t want to do the hard slog. He abuses you because you represent the parent he chooses not to be.

Vegrocks · 04/03/2023 16:02

So he threatened to go yesterday

but he didn’t

what’s today been like?

Vegrocks · 04/03/2023 16:02

feellikeanalien · 04/03/2023 15:58

Sounds like he wants to leave but might feel guilt about it deep down. Maybe if he can get you to tell him to go it might make him able to justify to himself that he tried but you threw him out.

Or it was late, he had no where to go and moneys a bit tight

Vegrocks · 04/03/2023 16:03

Your eldest child OP has had an utter shit show of a weekend. Witnessed screaming arguments, dad threatening to leave, dad shouting at him, mum utterly morose and on her phone.

Vegrocks · 04/03/2023 16:04

Dh was and can be amazing. It's just the last few years that have changed, since having children.

so last few years more like 7?

Original poster
Notsureofnextsteps81 · 04/03/2023 16:08

Today has been awful

Dc have some activities in the morning so we went to them. It was my fault when we were heading back that someone tried to park next to us while we putting the children in the car

It was then my fault when my parents who were meant tk see this afternoon changed plans ad they have colds and he was asleep when they messaged me

It was my fault when I went to get something out of the fridge that he was standing in front of and I dared to ask him to move.

OP posts:
pointythings · 04/03/2023 16:11

I reckon he is behaving deliberately badly so that you will divorce him and he can then blame you because he wants out.

And honestly - just divorce him anyway.

DuvetDownn · 04/03/2023 16:13

His head has probably be turned. Let him go.

Vegrocks · 04/03/2023 16:13

Op can’t you see how absolutely dire this must be for your children.

shouting, screaming, threats, crying, tension

pointythings · 04/03/2023 16:15

@Vegrocks putting pressure on OP helps nobody. Divorces take time, realisation that the man you married has turned into an asshole also takes time.

Shmithecat2 · 04/03/2023 16:18

Time out for an 18mo? For goodness sakes. Leave him, for that alone. Your children deserve better, and you're their advocate.

samqueens · 04/03/2023 16:18

Sorry you’re going through this OP

Read Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (Download on kindle app and read discreetly).

If he wants to leave tbh I’d let him and use the space to consider you’re options - his behaviour doesn’t sound acceptable, or likely to change.

(And obviously his take on the naughty step is unreasonable)