Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh wants to leave

132 replies

Notsureofnextsteps81 · 04/03/2023 08:15

Dh and I have been in a rocky patch for a while. We have good and bad days but the bad days are being more frequent

Last night he announced he wanted to leave and was pretty ready to pack his bags and go (he didn't in the end) this was brought on by the fact I wouldn't leave our 18 month old screaming on the step where he had been put by dh to calm down as he was having a tantrum)

He says I am controlling and I undermine him. He thinks I'm a bad wife as I don't give him enough attention, we don't have enough sex and when we do it's the same boring thing all the time

We have 2 children (7 years and 18 months) and both have busy full time jobs. He also works 4 weeks out of 6 on nights.

Majority of childcare falls to me when he is nights (understandably) but then he gets upset when I just get on and do stuff around the house and don't ask him for help

I don't know what to do

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/03/2023 21:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

EJRB · 05/03/2023 21:52

your poor poor baby :(

he is 18 months old!! My lord, I have a son the same age and I could never ever imagine using any kind of punishment to change his behaviour. He’s barely out of the baby stage and aside from that, naughty steps etc is so out dated.

Iloveenidblyton · 05/03/2023 22:08

Wow, imagine putting a baby on the naughty step.
With his name calling etc he sounds like a horrible man and he’d be doing you a favour if he walked out.
Next time he wants to leave, show him the door.

Pardon45 · 07/03/2023 07:42

Unfortunately, love isn't enough. You love him. He doesn't love you. He doesn't respect you. He doesn't value you. He is a selfish, nasty arshole that doesn't deserve you. You have invested 15 year's don't waste another 15 minutes on this waste of space. Don't let your kids grow up thinking his behaviour is normal because it isn't.

Vegrocks · 07/03/2023 10:27

Iloveenidblyton · 05/03/2023 22:08

Wow, imagine putting a baby on the naughty step.
With his name calling etc he sounds like a horrible man and he’d be doing you a favour if he walked out.
Next time he wants to leave, show him the door.

Or imagine watching someone put your baby on the naughty step and now getting the heck out of there with your children

billy1966 · 07/03/2023 11:13

You and your children are in an abusive environment.

This is not a good man.

Abusive, nasty and selfish.

Yet you love him?

Why do you love someone like that?

Is this the life you want for your children?

Loving a nasty, abusive, selfish partner?

You are doing it all and can do it better without him.

He is controlling and tried to prevent you returning to work, so that he could abuse you and keep you stuck.

Well done for returning to work.

You are better than this situation.

You and your children deserve better.

Contact Women's aid for support.

ThatCantBeTrue · 07/03/2023 11:23

What's the problem. Let him leave and start living your much better future

Sunriseinwonderland · 07/03/2023 11:24

He's a lousy father. A good father doesn't just leave his young children and wife when the going gets tough. He mans up and becomes their rock. He sounds pathetic whining about sex. Sex takes a back seat when the kids are young.
My ex left me while I was ill in hospital after an illness because he wasn't getting enough sex.
It seems to be a common thing now.
I'd lose all respect for him.

NotWastingAnymoreTime · 01/04/2023 06:19

Notsureofnextsteps81 · 04/03/2023 14:04

He had already been on the step for 5 - 6 minutes when I intervened. I don't agree with it as a form of discipline but I was trying not to get involved but when I could hear him getting to the point of making himself sick I couldn't leave him any longer. When he slightly older then its different but he's not even 2 yet

I want to save our relationship bur DH said this morning that he's not sure. I told him I don't want to lose him and he said there's loads he's wants but doesn't mean he's going to get it

I have tried asking him to help. Youngest doesn't sleep through although normally wakes once/twice, has a drink and goes straight back to sleep but is teething at the moment so had a bad night the other night. If I had stayed for 20 minutes and rubbed his back he would have gone back to sleep but according to dh I'm not allowed to do that so after struggling for 2 hours I woke Dh and asked him to which he called me a c* for waking him and then again for not waking him sooner

Today he also called me stupid and a f* idiot in front of the children for doing nothing other than standing in front of a cupboard he then wanted to get into

My advice is to work on your self esteem and reflect on whether you are comfortable for your children to be brought up in an environment which isn't loving.

Why are you trying to save your marriage when your husband is unkind to you AND your child. How on earth can leaving an 18mth old in time out for over 5 minutes be good parenting. Surly when they are crying hysterically the clue is there. The fact that your husband felt no compassion and wanted the punishment to continue is deeply worrying.

Realistically it sounds like your husband has already checked out of the marriage or worse is going to use the threat of leaving to keep you in line.

Sending you hugs. You deserve better.

perfectcolourfound · 01/04/2023 14:08

How's things going @Notsureofnextsteps81

I only just came to your post. It's awful to read you begging this man to love you, to want to be with you. When he clearly doesn't deserve you.

He treats your children dreadfully. He isn't interested in real parenting. He's just irritated by them. He's irritated by you, says you've ruined his life. Leaves it to you to do most of the parenting / housework whilst you both work FT. Doesn't appreciate you or respect you. Thinks that despite him being a bullying arse who's a lousy dad and husband, he should get more and better sex. Why on earth does he think that being selfish, lazy and uncaring makes him in any way attractive? Why does he think you will have the energy for sex when you're doing all the work?

He's abusing you and your children. Your lives would be much happier without him around.

Stop apologising to him. Stop saying you'll change. You've nothing to apologise for and no reason to change. He's the one who should be saying sorry and changing. But he won't do that because he thinks he's better than you, deserves more. Thinks you're there to serve him and service him.

Yours and your children's lives will be much improved if you leave.

LifeExperience · 01/04/2023 14:21

Do you want your ds to become like this man? If you have a dd, would you want her to live like you are? Staying in this relationship is teaching both your children that this is acceptable, normal family behavior. If you won't leave for yourself, please do it for your children.

paulaparticles · 01/04/2023 17:14

My heart goes out to you 💔
I hope you have some support in real life. I'm worried your husband is now getting angry at the children on purpose so you can throw him out and will keep getting worse til you do 😔

Choconut · 01/04/2023 17:26

This isn't love IMO OP, it's emotional dependence.

He's vile, he treats your kids badly - an 18 month old is not much more than a baby, he should be gently teaching the baby not punishing them, does he think the baby is going to sit on the step and work out where he/she's been going wrong?

It all just sounds very, very horrible but still you want to work at it - unfortunately he's the one who needs to do all the work and that's never in a million years going to happen. Those poor, poor kids.

TenterfieldSaddler · 01/04/2023 17:26

Before you spend another minute wishing he was different and your relationship could be saved, I really urge you to consider the corrosive effect name calling and that level
of disrespect shown to you has on your kids. Your children will see this behaviour and either learn to disrespect you too, or someone else in their lives as they grow up, as they will see this as normal behaviour. The damage it can do to them is enormous.

Please…open the door, kick his pathetic arse out, and raise your kids in a stable and happy home.

Perfect28 · 01/04/2023 17:37

Agree OP he is way too young to use a naughty step. I don't believe in them at any age but at 18 months he needs a cuddle. Your husband sounds horrible, I'm sorry.

Nanny0gg · 01/04/2023 18:25

Notsureofnextsteps81 · 05/03/2023 18:16

@Jooliusreezer is right unfortunately. I do love him. I don't know why but I do. I also feel like I have failed that I couldn't make this work and to give up on 15 years of a relationship feels awful

This will never, ever make any sense to me,

WHY do you love him? WHAT is loveable? He abuses you and his children.

You owe it to them to leave

He won't care

Newestname002 · 01/04/2023 18:35

Notsureofnextsteps81 · 05/03/2023 18:16

@Jooliusreezer is right unfortunately. I do love him. I don't know why but I do. I also feel like I have failed that I couldn't make this work and to give up on 15 years of a relationship feels awful

Sometimes love is just not enough. Sometimes "love" just is a habit that we can get to, especially after so much time and with children involved. As important, if not more so, is respect for yourself and your own aspirations and emotional and other protection for your children and yourself. It's hard to break the pattern OP, but better than more of the same, surely. 🌹

FictionalCharacter · 01/04/2023 22:29

He calls you a cunt and a fucking idiot, shouts at your children, threatens to leave, and blames you for everything, and you still love him?
You and your children don’t deserve to be treated like this. He doesn’t want the life of a husband and father, he wants the life of a carefree single man with a woman to have lots of sex with.

SandyY2K · 02/04/2023 03:11

OP you need support/help to recognise your in an abusive relationship.

This man and his behaviour will affect your kids now and later. They blame you for not getting them out of the situation....I hear it all the time from adults who had an abusive parent.

One abused and the other failed to protect, by staying.

He knows you love him, despite the abuse... that's why he continues to insult you and does it in front of the kids. They'll learn from him, fear him.... and think it's normal for a husband to treat his wife like that.

You can't up and leave so quickly... but you can make plans.

DixonD · 02/04/2023 11:44

How can you let this man anywhere near your children? He’s abusing them. You don’t put an 18 month old in time out. Ever. It doesn’t work for any child. It’s child abuse.

Cantthinkof1rightnow · 24/04/2023 15:55

@Notsureofnextsteps81 how are things going? Did he leave?

MrsPetty · 14/05/2023 14:08

Sorry it all seems so grim but unless he’s willing to attend some sort of marriage counselling it sounds like it’s run it’s course. A child so young doesn’t need to be on the step that long! A minute per year was my rule .. with a giant timer to focus on. Verbally abusing you for standing in front of a cupboard??? You have way more patience than me…I’m sad to say but it sounds like you’re pretty much doing everything…and you won’t miss him as he seems to be mostly telling you you’re rubbish at doing everything. Move on but don’t hold your breath on coparenting …he sounds like a lazy fucker. That won’t change 😞

OhcantthInkofaname · 24/06/2023 22:05

"... after struggling for 2 hours I woke Dh and asked him to which he called me a c for waking him and then again for not waking him sooner

Today he also called me stupid and a f idiot in front of the children for doing nothing other than standing in front of a cupboard he then wanted to get into."...

Just what do you want to save? This is verbal abuse. Your 7 year old can hear this now. Your toddler hears the tone. Get out
NOW.

Zanatdy · 25/06/2023 10:36

Notsureofnextsteps81 · 04/03/2023 14:53

I think I switched off a while ago. He threatened to go last night and I didn't stop him really. He didn't go though

I don't know how i would cope only having the children every other weekend. I mean it may be i have them more because of his shifts and football but they are my world and I don't want to not see them for days on end etc

Unlikely he would even have them that much. You adapt, it’s not nice at first but then you begin to enjoy the break. This guy sounds awful, you can’t keep a toddler on the step that long. His behaviour towards you is disgusting

wendyjoy · 24/07/2023 17:37

18 month old on naughty step??? I can't believe what I've read.. 18 month old children do not know the meaning of the word naughty.. he needed holding n cuddling to calm down.. what kind of abuse is this?.