Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh wants to leave

132 replies

Notsureofnextsteps81 · 04/03/2023 08:15

Dh and I have been in a rocky patch for a while. We have good and bad days but the bad days are being more frequent

Last night he announced he wanted to leave and was pretty ready to pack his bags and go (he didn't in the end) this was brought on by the fact I wouldn't leave our 18 month old screaming on the step where he had been put by dh to calm down as he was having a tantrum)

He says I am controlling and I undermine him. He thinks I'm a bad wife as I don't give him enough attention, we don't have enough sex and when we do it's the same boring thing all the time

We have 2 children (7 years and 18 months) and both have busy full time jobs. He also works 4 weeks out of 6 on nights.

Majority of childcare falls to me when he is nights (understandably) but then he gets upset when I just get on and do stuff around the house and don't ask him for help

I don't know what to do

OP posts:
pointythings · 05/03/2023 09:03

I see the local handmaiden has arrived...

Velvian · 05/03/2023 09:14

@ZoZoisresting I thought it was a different thread. 😅

AlwaysGinPlease · 05/03/2023 09:17

ZoZoisresting · 05/03/2023 07:40

I think it is hard on men when sex is suddenly withheld more and more and they feel unwanted and stressed by this. I think when you do it more, you like it more and the smoother life with men goes. Of course round here that’s probably heresy.

I wish I had more advice. It’s very hard when both work full time with kids I think. There’s just so many stressors.

What did I just read 🧐 is this sarcasm?

Glitterbaby17 · 05/03/2023 09:20

My love am sorry it’s so hard. Many parallels with my situation - increasingly being blamed and gaslit that things were all my fault, and then bending backwards trying to make it all ok. Then blamed for not wanting sex with an angry man who was constantly critical of me. Emerged a few weeks ago he was having an affair and all makes so much more sense now - they are misbehaving and want to blame you.

Get out and have a happy life with your kids. It doesn’t sound from what you’ve said he will want them very much - you could suggest one night each weekend and maybe that he has them after school and does teatime and bedtime at your place on days that fit around his shift. You’ve done the right thing with job and promotion - him not being supportive is another red flag - he doesn’t want you to be able to leave. Seriously you can do this and you will all be happier - good luck.

sageandrosemary · 05/03/2023 09:37

Gosh, he sounds awful,

Pack his bags for him!

MintJulia · 05/03/2023 10:49

Notsureofnextsteps81 · 04/03/2023 15:14

It would be tight financially and we would have to sell the house which breaks my heart but its manageable.

Luckily I went back to work after maternity leave (something else DH objected to) and recently got a promotion at work (again something he objected to)

This post rings so many alarm bells. He objects to you working, and he resents you being a success.

He whines about finding sex boring, rather than trying to make home life easier, so you feel less stressed and have more time together.

OP, this is a marriage (and a man) not worth saving. Honestly, get out now, while you can.

AllOfThemWitches · 05/03/2023 10:52

Realistically, no matter what you do to try and 'keep' him, it's only a matter of time before he eventually fucks off. Let him go, he doesn't sound great anyway. I'd be so pissed off if my boyfriend said sex was boring, what does he want exactly!?

gamerchick · 05/03/2023 10:55

Why do you want to keep him, he sounds like a right Bellend who brings nothing positive to your lives?

Tell him to piss off if that what he wants. No way I'd put up with a bloke constantly with one foot out the door. That's no way to live.

Shayisgreat · 05/03/2023 11:37

ZoZoisresting · 05/03/2023 07:40

I think it is hard on men when sex is suddenly withheld more and more and they feel unwanted and stressed by this. I think when you do it more, you like it more and the smoother life with men goes. Of course round here that’s probably heresy.

I wish I had more advice. It’s very hard when both work full time with kids I think. There’s just so many stressors.

When you say sex is withheld it suggests that he is entitled to it and that his wife is responsible for giving it to him. In reality (or at least when women are acknowledged as real live people with autonomy over their own bodies) sex is a loving act that is enjoyed by both people involved.

This man is not behaving in a way that would lead to his wife wanting to have sex with him. The problem is in the relationship where he has lost interest in treating his wife as a loved partner so why the hell would his wife want to engage in a loving act with him.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 05/03/2023 11:42

So how does he make sec exciting for you op?

How is he making your life more enjoyable

Or is it all about what 'HE' wants, with no regard to how he's doing to improve your lifestyle

Madbadanddangeroustoo · 05/03/2023 15:52

Pack his bags and change the locks. Leave the bags outside.

HamBone · 05/03/2023 16:24

Telling someone that they’ve “ruined” you is basically abdicating all personal responsibility for your own happiness and forcing it on someone else.

It’s immature, OP, and simply not true, because whatever challenges we face in life, we all have control over our own reactions to it.

If you talk again, I’d turn it around and say “You say I’ve ruined your life-don’t you have any control or responsibility for your own happiness then? You can’t make your own decisions or choices?” “I’m not that powerful!”

He has many good things on his life, your DC for a start. But he’s refusing to see that or take responsibility for his own choices.

Original poster
Notsureofnextsteps81 · 05/03/2023 16:44

I do want him to realise how lucky I think he is, and have said this to him before and his answer is always he could do better which I guess sums up what he really thinks of me.

He has a wife who loves him, 2 beautiful children, still goes to football every other weekend at least not to mention the away games, and plays on a Sunday sometimes as well. The number of times he says he will be home after football and rocks in at 2am and I never say a word.

I was 10 days after having our eldest when he went away on a football away day, leaving at 6am and back at midnight. I had a C section so couldn't drive or do a lot but he still went.

With our youngest at 3 weeks he went away on a 4 day bender with his mates and again I didn't say anything.

I feel like I have been walked over for years yet I still love him and don't know what to do

OP posts:
HamBone · 05/03/2023 16:54

He sounds a peach, OP. ☹️ I wouldn’t bother reminding him again how lucky he is, I’d be inclined to say that he’s responsible for his own happiness, not you, and he can make his own decisions.

It sounds as if he’s too cowardly to actually do this, he wants to have a big row and you beg him to stay. Then everything’s your fault/responsibility.

You love him, but he has to grow up and make his own decisions. All the best. 💐

LadyJ2023 · 05/03/2023 16:57

If my hubby sounded as controlling as this I would not want to be with him and if i was unable to talk about anything without arguments I wouldn't want to be with him. So I would never interfere in hubby's discipline but on the other hand we've always discussed what path we will go down and are always on the same page. As for working hubby does 5 long days 6am-6pm every week and still voluntarily gets up in the night,helps bath,feed or chores and I rarely need to ask him. If I do ask he dives in to help. As for all the other stuff you have going on it doesn't sound like he respects you at all and all your doing. Sorry I would move on I had a very similar ex marriage and after a year I left with first son. We now have 3 babies 2 and under plus our teen and I've never been happier. Talking,respect,love for each other does not make you act like you've mentioned. Please stand up and don't allow yourself to be rolled over your worth so much more

Jooliusreezer · 05/03/2023 17:17

Notsureofnextsteps81 · 05/03/2023 16:44

I do want him to realise how lucky I think he is, and have said this to him before and his answer is always he could do better which I guess sums up what he really thinks of me.

He has a wife who loves him, 2 beautiful children, still goes to football every other weekend at least not to mention the away games, and plays on a Sunday sometimes as well. The number of times he says he will be home after football and rocks in at 2am and I never say a word.

I was 10 days after having our eldest when he went away on a football away day, leaving at 6am and back at midnight. I had a C section so couldn't drive or do a lot but he still went.

With our youngest at 3 weeks he went away on a 4 day bender with his mates and again I didn't say anything.

I feel like I have been walked over for years yet I still love him and don't know what to do

Why are you trying to fight for this guy, OP?

He’s a shithead.

doodleygirl · 05/03/2023 17:21

He doesnt deserve you, please reconsider your life with him

HamBone · 05/03/2023 17:21

She loves him, @Jooliusreezer , that's the bugger when you fall in love with someone who's selfish and immature.

Original poster
Notsureofnextsteps81 · 05/03/2023 18:16

@Jooliusreezer is right unfortunately. I do love him. I don't know why but I do. I also feel like I have failed that I couldn't make this work and to give up on 15 years of a relationship feels awful

OP posts:
Bettyboop3 · 05/03/2023 18:35

It may be better than wasting any more of your years with him. Your children will probably be happier without him too.

SunflowerTed · 05/03/2023 19:02

AlwaysGinPlease · 04/03/2023 14:33

Agreed. I'd be packing his bags for him!

Show quote history

Let him go. He’s an arsehole

SunflowerTed · 05/03/2023 19:03

Notsureofnextsteps81 · 05/03/2023 16:44

I do want him to realise how lucky I think he is, and have said this to him before and his answer is always he could do better which I guess sums up what he really thinks of me.

He has a wife who loves him, 2 beautiful children, still goes to football every other weekend at least not to mention the away games, and plays on a Sunday sometimes as well. The number of times he says he will be home after football and rocks in at 2am and I never say a word.

I was 10 days after having our eldest when he went away on a football away day, leaving at 6am and back at midnight. I had a C section so couldn't drive or do a lot but he still went.

With our youngest at 3 weeks he went away on a 4 day bender with his mates and again I didn't say anything.

I feel like I have been walked over for years yet I still love him and don't know what to do

Leave?

SunflowerTed · 05/03/2023 19:04

Notsureofnextsteps81 · 05/03/2023 07:37

Well I tried talking to him last night and got no where. He says I have ruined him and although I've tried to acknowledge I need to change (which I don't think I need to) he doesn't think he does

I said I want to save us, he isn't sure so I guess that's that

You need to change?! No he needs to change!!!!!!!

Tiredmum100 · 05/03/2023 19:16

I bet he's loving this. He's got you right where he wants you. He could do better hey? He wants more sex? Less boring sex? You need to change? You are the one who is annoying? He wasn't happy you went back to work and got a promotion? Sorry Op, he is abusing you, wearing your self asteem away so you will be greatful if he decides to stick around. By bettering your career and having your own job you are less likely to need him. Of course he will call you names and say he could better, he's very threatened. The only way to keep you is to make you feel like shit. I was in a similar position once. You have no idea how liberating it is when you walk away. On the flip side, if you did split, I don't think you'd have to worry about not seeing you dc, he doesn't seem bothered about them!!

RandomMess · 05/03/2023 21:46

Please find some self-respect and end this marriage where he seems to do f all and treat you dreadfully.

Please do not mistake love for dependency.

When is your down time?

Swipe left for the next trending thread