How do you end a marriage if DH refuses to accept it’s over?

[Saltysea2001]

It’s been years if shit. Separate rooms. Im deeply unhappy. I told DH today that I want to separate - he refuses to accept it and refuses to move out. What are my options? I do not want to reconcile. We have three children. I’m desperate.

I did admin at a solicitors years ago and I remember someone saying that everything starts at 50/50 and then each party has to argue why they should have more eg

Who put the house deposit down and how much each person put in
Inheritance
Contribution to marriage - who has paid what in terms of bills and expenses
Whether mothers have sacrificed a career to raise the children
What pension provision people have

They then scrutinise the household expenses and look at incoming/ outgoing costs

Any debts or finance agreements including Car finance, mobile phone contracts

Etc etc - it's not just down the middle and usually the father or 2nd parent leaving the marital home (not to discriminate here!) has an obligation to make sure children under 18/ in full time education have a roof over their head - but not necessarily the marital home, it could be a rental!

I agree with others go and get a free hour with a solicitor first then get job hunting!

Good luck 🍀

Ultimately in this scenario she WILL get half of the house but it will have to be sold. If she wants to make it clear that she means it, she should move out and leave the kids with him, albeit temporarily. Make it his problem or he’ll never take it seriously. That won’t invalidate her marital claim to the house — 50%.

Only half of the week or whatever arrangement is determined with her dh.

That could invalidate her claim to the kids though. No way should she move out and leave him with the kids! He could then use that against her and go for full custody or try to use it as a way to force her to come back to him.

I also agree.

OP, I'm sorry you are in this horrible situation.

Is there any element of abuse towards you by your husband? If you are not sure what counts as abuse, please check out resources at Women's Aid to see if there are behaviours described that you recognise in your husband.
If there are, when you see your solicitor about the divorce, you should also ask about non-molestation orders and occupancy orders and whether they might be viable options for you in your circumstances. You can google them to see what they do and the grounds for getting them. There is specific support available to you if your STBXH is abusive so please take all the help you can get.

If none of the above applies and your personal finances are zero, then you are probably going to have to stay put and proceed with the divorce whilst living under the same roof which will be hard going for you all but doable.

Do see a solicitor who will review your individual circumstances and advise on likely outcomes for a split of assets between you. Hopefully once you've had some legal advice, things will be much clearer and you'll feel a little less powerless. I would not make any significant changes (like moving out of the house) until you've spoken to a solicitor. There's a divorce board on mumsnet which might be of help to you. Good luck

I think some of the messages on here have been quite harsh. I stayed at home when my daughter was born until she was about 3 and then I got a part time job as my pay wouldn’t cover the childcare fees and it also meant I wouldn’t spend time with her. My OH earned just about enough so we could live.
I think you should have chat with him and see how he feels about the relationship and see if there is any way to improve things. If you are definitely wanting to split then yes you would need to seek legal advice. What is your family support network like ?

Are you an idiot, or just spiteful? Do you understand how the law even works? Do you think looking after twins is some kind of cakewalk and she’s not contributing to the family?

Dick pandering twats are out in force it would seem.

You know this is a place for Relationship advice, yes?

AIBU is thataway>>>>

If she hadn't paid 60% of the deposit they wouldn't be living in that house!

And she is caring for their family as childcare costs would be pretty high for twins.

So will her husband... yeah right.

I've been in your position and it's incredibly hard - gave up work after I had my youngest, DH a high earner, wouldn't accept separation and it was very clear that I had to deal with it all myself. You say he won't accept it but honestly if you haven't made any moves to get your children into childcare and started at least researching jobs/housing have you fully accepted the situation yourself for what it is? You may wish for him to simply move out and see that as his acceptance of it - in reality with housing costs so extortionately high it's never going to be that simple, particularly in cases where one partner is completely financially reliable on the other (and this is fact - there is no judgement in that as I've been there). You also need to think about what the ideal setup would be post-separation for your children and work back from there. For me this was two parents living in close proximity (ideally walking distance) being able to take an active role in their lives, in which neither partner walked away feeling aggrieved which would cause all the nasty toxic arguments which are so terrible for the children. I can only tell you what I did - waited until the children were at school and the childcare costs were much less, researched jobs (knew I didn't want to go back into my old career) and how much I could earn, how I could retrain. I knew exactly how much I would have to earn to be able to take on the mortgage by myself (didn't want upheaval of children moving from home) and I aimed towards that. I got my children into the afterschool club for a few days so I knew they had a place there once I got a job. Once I chose the sector (tech) I was very lucky that I got a place on a bootcamp very soon after and from then on got a decent paid job. Once my ExH knew that I had the earning power to take on the mortgage and buy him out of our flat (I'd been saving like mad and took out a larger mortgage) he knew there was no point in resisting it any longer - he moved out last summer to friends and is in the process of buying his own flat close by. He got less than 50% in our own 'settlement' (we didn't use solicitors as didn't want to spend that money) but doesn't feel I screwed him over as he saw how hard I worked and how desperately unhappy I was in our marriage. I can't see how he would ever have been happy with a situation in which he was paying for our housing/setup and his own because that was something I wanted and pushed for (and to be honest I see his point of view on this) I started on this 'journey' when my youngest was 2 - he was 8 when we finally separated (delayed by pandemic as couldn't do anything for pretty much 2 years) - so that's an indication of how long 'getting your ducks in a row' can take (and some of this was playing a waiting game until children at school) ...I appreciate that there are many many variables and that this isn't possible for everyone (I was able to save so much because my Ex-H left managing finances to me for example, I'm in London where jobs and opportunities are bountiful) - however I believe it has been the best outcome for us. Good luck!

Call them what you want. They’re your children. You’ll do the best for them