Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

How do you end a marriage if DH refuses to accept it’s over?

165 replies

Saltysea2001 · 03/03/2023 21:10

It’s been years if shit. Separate rooms. Im deeply unhappy. I told DH today that I want to separate - he refuses to accept it and refuses to move out. What are my options? I do not want to reconcile. We have three children. I’m desperate.

OP posts:
justusandmoo · 03/03/2023 22:24

You can't force him to move out of the house but you could make him realise that you are very serious by filing for a divorce and getting some advice from a solicitor. 50/50 is a pretty standard starting point these days and you will be advised to get a job but it is so worth it if you are unhappy.

Calibrachoa · 03/03/2023 22:26

Op you and your husband decided you'd look after your small twins full time for a bit. Unfortunately some mumsnetters are furious at any couples who do things differently from them so leap at the opportunity to be bitchy to someone asking for advice. Ignore them and just focus on those being helpful.

EarthSight · 03/03/2023 22:29

A bit harsh here this evening! I don't agree that their arangement is standard, but neither is it incredibly unusual.

OP - you have very small children so is it possible for you to get a job?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 03/03/2023 22:34

Op you said it's been "years of shit" so I think everyone is assuming your children are much older and questioning why you haven't returned to work. The fact they are so young puts a different perspective on things.

I think the first thing you need to do is speak to a solicitor and find out exactly where you stand. Make sure you know (or find out) if your contribution to the house deposit was protected with a deed of trust. Also take into the consultation a rough idea of your husband's income, pension and any joint savings or assets, the rough value of the house now, and how much is left on the mortgage.

Once you have all this info, you'll be in a much stronger place.

IWineAndDontDine · 03/03/2023 22:35

musingsinmidlife · 03/03/2023 22:18

He isn’t ‘working on his career’. You make it sound like he is off doing his own thing. In reality he is working to pay for 100% of the expenses for a family of 5. He is paying for housing, clothing, utilities, food and every want and need any of you have. If he decided to stop working, it wouldn’t only affect his career…it would affect all your lives as he is paying for everything and sacrificing time with his kids. That sacrifice on his end means you will walk away with the kids and lots of money and more. What does he get? Nothing.

You have been in a crappy marriage for awhile and done nothing to pay for any expenses related to having children. You would have childcare hours but seem to think you have no financial responsibility for your own children.

What a nasty comment. As are a whole bunch on this thread. She doesn't have a financial responsibility right now. She has a childcare one. One that he doesn't have as she has willingly sacrificed a few years of her career so he doesn't have to. Imagine thinking he's a hero paying for everything and she's at home doing sweet fuck all. You sound like my father in law. And he's an arsehole

TennisWithDeborah · 03/03/2023 22:43

See a solicitor next week, OP. Good luck. It’ll be tumultuous but in the end you’ll feel such relief.

Successgirl2022 · 03/03/2023 22:44

https://youtube.com/shorts/gycozaQYaVo?feature=share

Original poster
Saltysea2001 · 03/03/2023 22:45

Thanks to those of you that have been kind. Some of you are really extraordinarily cruel. My question about moving out is whether by doing so I lose my rights to my share of our house. I don’t have a job at the moment, and don’t think I can earn enough to pay rent and feed my children while we wait for a financial settlement and the house to be sold. I am not expecting not my husband to support me forever. Given that I have given up my career and stalled my earning potential so that his career could develop (rather than us both working and the challenges of juggling childcare and home making career progression more difficult, and taking into account the cost of childcare), and accounting for my domestic labour, I do think some post-divorce settlement while I re-establish a career and try to catch up on my earnings, and to account for the cost of childcare, would be fair. But I’m not hugely interested in the judgement of some people on my set up. I asked a practical question, as others have, about how to move towards the end of a marriage when one person won’t accept it. I will make legal arrangements. Thanks again to those who have been kind. To those that haven’t, I wish you better in yourselves.

OP posts:
Successgirl2022 · 03/03/2023 22:47

https://youtube.com/shorts/k2YSGwFpKCQ?feature=share

dollypartin · 03/03/2023 22:48

Saltysea2001 · 03/03/2023 21:32

Er - I’m not sure how this is relevant, but I’ve got twins aged 3, and one who has started school and we agreed I would give up work when we had our first. Like many, many other households I imagine.

This is perfectly reasonable and you deserve half. Forget whatever other people say. Your contribution is extremely valuable.

RemoteControlDoobry · 03/03/2023 23:05

Saltysea2001 · 03/03/2023 21:32

Er - I’m not sure how this is relevant, but I’ve got twins aged 3, and one who has started school and we agreed I would give up work when we had our first. Like many, many other households I imagine.

This isn’t allowed on Mumsnet OP! We’re all feminists here so we have to do a full time job and do all the childcare and cleaning that the DH should be doing but doesnt.

Of course you’re entitled to at least 50 percent of the house and probably a lot more because you aren’t earning. Make sure you see a solicitor.

Mari9999 · 03/03/2023 23:06

Acceptance is not a requirement or condition for getting a divorce in places with no fault divorce laws. Just as the justice system does not force or require you to marry. It will not force you to remain married when you no longer desire to do so.

However, you cannot force him out of home in which he has joint legal ownership. You can force a sale , but you cannot force him to leave, and if he is not overly concerned about damage to his credit rating, you cannot force him to continue making mortgage payments.

You are correct in saying that your living arrangement was not uncommon, but sadly the outcome for many many women who enter into such arrangements, the outcome is all too common.

You need 2 things immediately. You need legal representation and you need a job. He will have to provide some amount of support for his children; but you too will be expected to contribute to their support. Your support contribution will now need to be in actual currency rather than in services alone.

You children are so young that being moved to another home won't be nearly as unsettling as you might think. Keep in mind that old promises and decisions are not likely to carry any weight in a Court that will be looking to split your assets equally and absent some demonstrably negative information will give each of you 50/50 custody.

In essence, start planning for your new life with the awareness that you will no longer have a partner who pays while you manage and serve. You will now have to manage serve , and work as well, but the upside is that you will no longer have to live in a situation that you found to be unbearable.

He was only contributing money in your life, and now he will be contributing even less of that.

You can and will get your bearings and get it all sorted. It will just take some time to get to that place.

RemoteControlDoobry · 03/03/2023 23:07

They’re just jealous because they’re working all the hours God sends and no one is allowed to sit down for one second or they don’t have a good work ethic.

Comeonbarbiebrianharvey · 03/03/2023 23:11

Best of luck OP. There's a real spiteful attitude to sahps from some.

Usually people who have no idea what it's like to have multiples with zero family to help/'do a day', a job that pays way less than the daily childcare fees between end of mat leave and the term after their third birthday. This is on top of the stress of endless sick days as they catch a bug every week at nursery. I know lots who've made the decision to prioritise one career for the early years, some people have very narrow circles/minds.

Hope things get better for you and you can find an amicable solution, could you both have counselling or have a mutual third party talk to him?

justusandmoo · 03/03/2023 23:14

Saltysea2001 · 03/03/2023 22:45

Thanks to those of you that have been kind. Some of you are really extraordinarily cruel. My question about moving out is whether by doing so I lose my rights to my share of our house. I don’t have a job at the moment, and don’t think I can earn enough to pay rent and feed my children while we wait for a financial settlement and the house to be sold. I am not expecting not my husband to support me forever. Given that I have given up my career and stalled my earning potential so that his career could develop (rather than us both working and the challenges of juggling childcare and home making career progression more difficult, and taking into account the cost of childcare), and accounting for my domestic labour, I do think some post-divorce settlement while I re-establish a career and try to catch up on my earnings, and to account for the cost of childcare, would be fair. But I’m not hugely interested in the judgement of some people on my set up. I asked a practical question, as others have, about how to move towards the end of a marriage when one person won’t accept it. I will make legal arrangements. Thanks again to those who have been kind. To those that haven’t, I wish you better in yourselves.

Brilliantly worded response to the bullies 😀. Good for you OP!

SheilaFentiman · 03/03/2023 23:18

Sorry you have had some cruel comments, OP.

just to say, even if he did accept that it was over, he still might want to stay in the house. It will go in the mix with the other assets as things progress.

best of luck

SheilaFentiman · 03/03/2023 23:21

Haffiana · 03/03/2023 21:58

How do you end a marriage?

Maybe you could post about it on social media instead of, you know, talking to a solicitor?

What a pointless comment!

This is mumsnet, it’s about support and advice. Of course the OP will go to a solicitor down the line, she’s perfectly entitled to do research on the web, including advice forums, as well.

RandomMess · 03/03/2023 23:24

I would go ahead with appointing a solicitor and serving divorce papers. He can't stop you divorcing him.

Flowers
Fromwetome · 03/03/2023 23:45

@Saltysea2001

No one is belittling you?! They are asking how you plan on divorcing when you are reliant financially on your husband. And then wondering how you are going to achieve a successful separation if you don't have your own income after the divorce.

Do you have separate bank accounts? His ignorance to your request to split shows how much control he has over you, if he knew you had your own money and own financial independence then he would be forced to address it because you would be doing something like getting a solicitor.

Can you afford a solicitor right now without him being aware or having to give you money ?

Sobloodysoreandfedup · 03/03/2023 23:52

op I would take legal advice before leaving the house. Also with regards to the inheritance. You are quite right regarding division of assets, your DH will have had the benefit of pension building up whilst you have slogged it out with the kids earning nothing. It’s hardly like you have adult DCs (another recent thread) and have been sitting around for a decade. Will 50% of the equity be enough for you to buy somewhere for you and your DCs? Good luck op.

Ponderingwindow · 03/03/2023 23:54

Moving out doesn’t mean you don’t lose your financial claim to the house.
you also don’t have to move out to start divorce proceedings.

In the absence of abuse, starting divorce proceedings or even asking for a divorce without any way to pay your bills is a daring move. His financial obligation towards you is going to be limited once a separation begins. You need to make a plan quickly if you want to proceed.

tempusername1234 · 04/03/2023 00:03

I would get legal advice. I wouldn't leave the house, I'd get him to leave. I'd start divorce proceedings (you can do it online).

As for the future, the courts tend to want to ensure the children are looked after so they will want you to have a house, which will either be the one you're in or another bought with the proceeds. He'll also have to pay maintenance.

I'm sorry that some people have decided to attack you rather than help you. I don't understand some people in this site.

JJ8765 · 04/03/2023 00:03

You can apply for UC if living separately even if you are living separately in same house assuming dont have savings above limit. The house won’t count while it is in dispute. You can apply UC now but there is a delay before you would receive any money. You can move out and claim UC including help with rent while house is sold. Put scenarios through a benefit calculator like entitledto including if you got a PT job. You don’t lose your claim on assets / house by moving out but do get legal advice about pros and cons leaving family home. Citizens advice can advise re benefits. Don’t assume you will get child maintenance if he asks for dc 50:50. You will need your own bank account and to notify bank / mortgage company so that he can’t take out debt in your name. Change passwords for everything. Get copies of bank statements, pay slips, mortgage etc etc But yes you can leave while he comes to terms with it all. If you are on mortgage and he doesn’t pay you are liable but it’s unlikely he would want to trash own credit rating when he will probably need new mortgage before too long. But in answer to your question yes our benefit system while not generous does allow people in your situation to leave and start over / have some income without waiting for the divorce to be finalised. My friend did this in a similar situation and it didn’t affect her financial settlement which as ex was obstructive took about 18 months. Getting UC meant he lost the control he had over her.

tempusername1234 · 04/03/2023 00:13

@JJ8765 that's a really good response, well done.

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 04/03/2023 00:25

Thank god for @JJ8765 a bit of sanity. WTAF happened here?! I thought this was "AIBU The Menz" for a minute there. OP if you go onto the Divorce/Separation topic you'll get more practical advice there, also MN has pinned a link to Advice Now at the top of that board and its bloody brilliant, will tell you all you need to know.

If your STBExH is on a high wage there might be a chance you'd get spousal maintenance for a while but obvs only a solicitor can advise on that - however if your H is on £20k a year then that's pointless, you can't have what he hasn't got. I hope you ring fenced the money you put into the house - did you draw up an agreement at the time?

Anyway, sorry about all the crap you had posted on here, must be a bad night or something, really odd.