Page 4 | How do you end a marriage if DH refuses to accept it’s over?

Saltysea2001 · 2023-03-03T21:10:07+00:00

It’s been years if shit. Separate rooms. Im deeply unhappy. I told DH today that I want to separate - he refuses to accept it and refuses to move out. What are my options? I do not want to reconcile. We have three children. I’m desperate.

DixonD · 04/03/2023 00:31

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/03/2023 21:22

You can file for divorce online any time you choose. But you can’t make him move out, why on Earth would he when he doesn’t want to split up?

Are you expecting him to move out, away from his children, and continue to pay for the house and to house himself? For how long?

This.

You want to split. YOU move out.

mathanxiety · 04/03/2023 00:50

Saltysea2001 · 03/03/2023 22:45

Thanks to those of you that have been kind. Some of you are really extraordinarily cruel. My question about moving out is whether by doing so I lose my rights to my share of our house. I don’t have a job at the moment, and don’t think I can earn enough to pay rent and feed my children while we wait for a financial settlement and the house to be sold. I am not expecting not my husband to support me forever. Given that I have given up my career and stalled my earning potential so that his career could develop (rather than us both working and the challenges of juggling childcare and home making career progression more difficult, and taking into account the cost of childcare), and accounting for my domestic labour, I do think some post-divorce settlement while I re-establish a career and try to catch up on my earnings, and to account for the cost of childcare, would be fair. But I’m not hugely interested in the judgement of some people on my set up. I asked a practical question, as others have, about how to move towards the end of a marriage when one person won’t accept it. I will make legal arrangements. Thanks again to those who have been kind. To those that haven’t, I wish you better in yourselves.

Well said, OP.

There are some really nasty comments on this thread.

Do see a solicitor. You need concrete information.

Opentooffers · 04/03/2023 00:54

As you paid off 60% of the house out of your inheritance when you bought it, and there's been a few years of paymets he's made since, maybe you could earn enough to cover the mortgage which might not be all that big - or you could stretch out the term of the mortgage to make the payments smaller. If you want to stay in the house as part of the divorce settlement, you probably will find paying the mortgage cheaper than any rent you'd be paying if living elsewhere.
Applying for a Mesher order as part of the financial settlement would be reasonable, thus the house does not get sold until later such as when DC have finished school.

Thisisthedawningoftheageofaquarius · 04/03/2023 00:59

People are mean….

I hope you are okay; it doesn’t sound easy. I don’t know much but I’ve previously heard you should NOT move out of the house… but def get a legal opinion. I hope you can be happy again ()

Ofcourseshecan · 04/03/2023 01:20

girljulian · 03/03/2023 21:51

Why do people always expect the husband to move out? Of course, if you’re the one who wants to end it, you must move out.

OP is the main carer for the children. Should they all move out so the man can keep a house mainly paid for by his wife? Or should she walk out on her children?

Zeroplucks202 · 04/03/2023 01:40

musingsinmidlife · 03/03/2023 22:18

He isn’t ‘working on his career’. You make it sound like he is off doing his own thing. In reality he is working to pay for 100% of the expenses for a family of 5. He is paying for housing, clothing, utilities, food and every want and need any of you have. If he decided to stop working, it wouldn’t only affect his career…it would affect all your lives as he is paying for everything and sacrificing time with his kids. That sacrifice on his end means you will walk away with the kids and lots of money and more. What does he get? Nothing.

You have been in a crappy marriage for awhile and done nothing to pay for any expenses related to having children. You would have childcare hours but seem to think you have no financial responsibility for your own children.

Wow you might almost think that having three dc was the result of a decision taken on a whim by the op to provide her with a little hobby and the op’s husband had no input in the couple’s decision to procreate at all!

And of course three dc, including 3 year old twins, can wash, cook, and entertain themselves while both of their parents go out to work ft, and they don’t require any skilled care during the day that costs a shed-load of money!

musingsinmidlife · 04/03/2023 02:54

IWineAndDontDine · 03/03/2023 22:35

What a nasty comment. As are a whole bunch on this thread. She doesn't have a financial responsibility right now. She has a childcare one. One that he doesn't have as she has willingly sacrificed a few years of her career so he doesn't have to. Imagine thinking he's a hero paying for everything and she's at home doing sweet fuck all. You sound like my father in law. And he's an arsehole

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Why is it okay to say he is doing sweet fuck all and selfishly off building his career but to not say she is doing sweet fuck all related to money? The man is supporting all expenses for a family of 5. That isn’t fucking off to go build a career.

when you have a shitty marriage, you work. It is just dumb to put yourself in a completely financially dependent position where you as an an adult and a parent can’t pay to food or housing for yourself or your kids. To think the man’s job is to support me and the kids so I don’t need to work is 1950s. They should both be contributing childcare and financially to their kids. Then when the crappy marriage ends both are in a position to be 50:50 parents and both can feed and house their kids.

One parent taking on 100% of childcare and one parent taking on 100% of the financial responsibility is a terrible plan for a shitty marriage.

I think both mothers and fathers should expect when they have kids that they will need to be involved in their kids lives and be present and also contribute to the expenses of having a kid. Both are parental responsibilities.

tobee · 04/03/2023 03:26

RemoteControlDoobry · 03/03/2023 23:07

They’re just jealous because they’re working all the hours God sends and no one is allowed to sit down for one second or they don’t have a good work ethic.

Some normal people might even say that staying at home looking after 3 year old twins and another one is working all the hours god sends. Funny that Mumsnet is like this (sometimes). Seems that for all the strong Women attitudes and that people don't seem to rate anything other than paid work. Everyone should be slaving away working at whatever earns them the highest amount of money. Fuck whether it gives you satisfaction or not. If you found being a carer of other poorly paid job fulfilling well that's no good. Only top dollar counts no matter what the rest of the household dynamic.

tobee · 04/03/2023 03:33

Some people might say one parent sacrificing their career is enabling the working parent to have a career and the benefits of having kids.

tobee · 04/03/2023 03:36

"I think both mothers and fathers should expect when they have kids that they will need to be involved in their kids lives and be present and also contribute to the expenses of having a kid. Both are parental responsibilities."

How often is that entirely possible or satisfactory to do 50/50 all the time? I mean what sort of jobs are possible to do where you are able to choose when to work to fit exactly around your partner's work and your kids' needs?

tobee · 04/03/2023 03:39

"One parent taking on 100% of childcare and one parent taking on 100% of the financial responsibility is a terrible plan for a shitty marriage. "

This makes it sound like you chose to have a shitty marriage from the start.

Another Mumsnet obsession - go in to a marriage expecting it to fail. How is that a good recipe? The message should be bear in mind a split could happen but don't live your married life as it's all about to fall asunder

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 04/03/2023 03:46

Saltysea2001 · 03/03/2023 21:36

I didn’t come here to be belittled. This domestic arrangement is pretty standard

No one is belittling you, you asked what to do so listen. Your twins should be starting nursery if they are three, you will need to either look for work or go on benefits. Here is not the place that give you the answers you are looking for. You will need legal advise.

Whywere · 04/03/2023 03:48

musingsinmidlife · 04/03/2023 02:54

Why is it okay to say he is doing sweet fuck all and selfishly off building his career but to not say she is doing sweet fuck all related to money? The man is supporting all expenses for a family of 5. That isn’t fucking off to go build a career.

when you have a shitty marriage, you work. It is just dumb to put yourself in a completely financially dependent position where you as an an adult and a parent can’t pay to food or housing for yourself or your kids. To think the man’s job is to support me and the kids so I don’t need to work is 1950s. They should both be contributing childcare and financially to their kids. Then when the crappy marriage ends both are in a position to be 50:50 parents and both can feed and house their kids.

One parent taking on 100% of childcare and one parent taking on 100% of the financial responsibility is a terrible plan for a shitty marriage.

I think both mothers and fathers should expect when they have kids that they will need to be involved in their kids lives and be present and also contribute to the expenses of having a kid. Both are parental responsibilities.

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You’re being a dickhead and you know it.

tobee · 04/03/2023 03:55

"The man is supporting all expenses for a family of 5. That isn’t fucking off to go build a career."

This sounds like something a disgruntled man would say. As if he didn't choose to have 3 kids!

Again, depressing that a parenting website should so little value time spent actually parenting.

Itsallok · 04/03/2023 03:58

Whywere · 04/03/2023 03:48

You’re being a dickhead and you know it.

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No - the poster is being realistic. The fact that the OP thinks that complete financial dependency is the usual is wrong. And stupid. Its not about expecting your marriage to fail, its about being responsible. And this idea that SAHM enable careers is daft. They make it easier to have kids and a career- but not the career alone. And the idea that being a SAHM (complete non-working (which can include volunteering) mum) once kids are at school is anything other than lazy is daft as well.

Zeroplucks202 · 04/03/2023 04:13

Itsallok · 04/03/2023 03:58

No - the poster is being realistic. The fact that the OP thinks that complete financial dependency is the usual is wrong. And stupid. Its not about expecting your marriage to fail, its about being responsible. And this idea that SAHM enable careers is daft. They make it easier to have kids and a career- but not the career alone. And the idea that being a SAHM (complete non-working (which can include volunteering) mum) once kids are at school is anything other than lazy is daft as well.

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Not every family is the same. Some DC need more support than others. And my DH travelled the globe when my DC were small. He literally could not have done his job without me there to look after DC day and night and most weekends.

Moser85 · 04/03/2023 04:30

girljulian · 03/03/2023 21:51

Why do people always expect the husband to move out? Of course, if you’re the one who wants to end it, you must move out.

People often expect the husband to move out as the wife normally has the kids the majority of the time, as you well know and it's in the kids best interests to stay in their home.

And she definitely doesn't have to be the one who has to move out because she's the one who's ending it.

Itsallok · 04/03/2023 04:36

Zeroplucks202 · 04/03/2023 04:13

Not every family is the same. Some DC need more support than others. And my DH travelled the globe when my DC were small. He literally could not have done his job without me there to look after DC day and night and most weekends.

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So did mine and still does. And I have a disabled DC to boot. I worked. And my post deliberately focused on when kids are at school.

StClare101 · 04/03/2023 04:40

I’d be sorting out daycare and a job first. You haven’t been out of the workforce that long. See a solicitor about filing for divorce and staying under the same roof while forcing a house sale. It will be awful but doable to keep a roof over your head.

I hope other SAHP’s look at these threads (because there are many of them) and consider how to start earning again. Nobody thinks their DH/DP will become a dick, but yet so many of them do.

Oblomov23 · 04/03/2023 04:52

Op needs to sort daycare, get a job, and get legal advice. Her expectation that he'll give her a "post-divorce settlement while I re-establish a career" is so unrealistic it's almost laughable.

caringcarer · 04/03/2023 04:53

You start divorce proceedings.

SheilaFentiman · 04/03/2023 05:39

Oblomov23 · 04/03/2023 04:52

Op needs to sort daycare, get a job, and get legal advice. Her expectation that he'll give her a "post-divorce settlement while I re-establish a career" is so unrealistic it's almost laughable.

OP is a real person in a tough situation. Why can’t you say “sorry, OP, you’re being unrealistic? Why be like this?

SheilaFentiman · 04/03/2023 05:40

OP, this might be helpful on spousal maintenance Link

Itsallok · 04/03/2023 06:16

SheilaFentiman · 04/03/2023 05:39

OP is a real person in a tough situation. Why can’t you say “sorry, OP, you’re being unrealistic? Why be like this?

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Because after seeing so so so many women over the years be so bloody stupid, you lose faith in people. Its frustrating - I am over 50 - how can women younger than me think stay at home mothering WHEN YOU HAVE NO MONEY is sensible.

The OP should get half and child maintenance - alimony or whatever its called in the UK is very hard to get for a reason. If you've never got your arse to have a career why should someone else fund it later. I do have sympathy for people who genuinely had careers and the agreements was it had to slow for a period (for whatever reason) but MN is full of people who never had a career - waited for some man to come along to keep them. And then wonder why these men get sick of them. Because a lot are boring - and entitled - and lazy.

A man was never a plan. Its still not one. Parenting is a dual responsibility.

SheilaFentiman · 04/03/2023 06:22

Itsallok · 04/03/2023 06:16

Because after seeing so so so many women over the years be so bloody stupid, you lose faith in people. Its frustrating - I am over 50 - how can women younger than me think stay at home mothering WHEN YOU HAVE NO MONEY is sensible.

The OP should get half and child maintenance - alimony or whatever its called in the UK is very hard to get for a reason. If you've never got your arse to have a career why should someone else fund it later. I do have sympathy for people who genuinely had careers and the agreements was it had to slow for a period (for whatever reason) but MN is full of people who never had a career - waited for some man to come along to keep them. And then wonder why these men get sick of them. Because a lot are boring - and entitled - and lazy.

A man was never a plan. Its still not one. Parenting is a dual responsibility.

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Wow, that’s even nastier.

Bye.