How do you end a marriage if DH refuses to accept it’s over?

[Saltysea2001]

It’s been years if shit. Separate rooms. Im deeply unhappy. I told DH today that I want to separate - he refuses to accept it and refuses to move out. What are my options? I do not want to reconcile. We have three children. I’m desperate.

I was in a similar situation where my now ex dh refused to move out of the house . It was awful .
I was the main earner but still couldn’t afford a rental deposit etc to move me and the children out.
Is he abusive ?
are you safe ?

I managed to get away eventually but I had to leave my house that I mostly paid for as we jointly owned it ( had a declaration of trust for the deposit I had paid ) .

You can’t force someone to leave a house they jointly own unless there are specific circumstances.

These threads tend to attract bitter men who are going through or have been through a divorce and feel like the system has worked against them. Either that or women who are trapped in awful marriages but have talked themselves into staying and now feel that everyone else should do the same.

Harsh but you have a point. My SIL is exactly like this. Second relationship just failed, no career, no money, nothing, relies on family handouts - 3dcs - she expected marriage and motherhood would mean financial security from a man and it’s stuffed up her life. Twice.

Not saying this is you op. I can understand why people on mn get frustrated though.

The kids aren't at school yet. Op has not once said that she doesn't intend to get a job.

Who on earth said he is doing sweet fuck all? Or he is "selfishly" building his career? He is building his career, and to ignore the benefits that gives him, ignores the sacrifice SAHPs make in regards to losing years of their careers.

You have absolutely no idea of their circumstances. Just because she isn't working right now when the kids are only 3 doesn't mean she has no intentions of working. I am very aspirational in terms of my career and intend to have a fulfilling one. My husband isn't as fussed about climbing the career ladder and would have been happy to be at home with the kids when they are young. He also managed to get a job that was better paid than mine at the time of me being pregnant so it didn't make sense financially for him to quit, but it also didn't make sense for me to go back to work as my wage wouldn't have covered the childcare at this point until I was a few years in. I need to wait until mine are eligible for free childcare. That doesn't mean I'm a SAHP for life. Quite the opposite in fact, it's a means to an end. That also doesn't make me "dumb" to have made a smart albeit risky decision where we prioritised money over my stability for a very short time in the grand scheme of things. We weren't going to base a short term decision on whether we were going to bloody divorce in the next 3 years.

This is clearly a decision they have made together as a unit. Its not gone as planned. That does not mean she's in the wrong for not working and he's a Saint who kept them all alive. Ignoring the sacrifices she has made in terms of her career is insulting

Its a broader comment than the original OP. But the kids are all at least three - part time work of some kind was certainly feasible.

I’m not sure about the house side of things but I would start with looking for a job, then assessing how much benefits you could potentially get with rent included. Use things like turn2us and entitledto so you can find out how much you could likely get. Base it on maybe 20hrs pw and rent in your areas… this will give you an indication of the support you’d likely receive. I really think you should look for a job before separating and gain your financial independence.

Good advice

You’re not dumb at all, most women have to make major sacrifices to try support the family.

Omg what planet are you on. Why are you being so nasty to this woman who is clearly unhappy and wants out of her marriage. She's bringing up their children for gods sake. The three children that they had together. Yes he is providing financially. She is providing everything else that is vital to bringing up 3 decent human beings and I bet you have no clue what having twins involves. It's fucking brutal. It's the hardest job anyone can ever do believe me so give this woman some respect. Why do you comment if you have nothing but nastiness to add. Do you think that is useful ? I hope you are proud of yourself Think before you comment

It is not fair on any father to say you are allowing them to focus on their career when they have the sole burden of providing everything for everyone - do you understand even just the mental weight of carrying this? Perhaps those of us who are a bit sharper on the thread are just mothers who have held careers and understand what it’s like to carry some of the mental load of “needing” to support your family.

The OP states herself that the marriage has been shit for years. Mumsnet is very good at recommending getting ducks in a row yet the OP has three children who are all capable of receiving at least 30hours free and yet she has done Bob all to actually get the job to make the first move. You can’t have your cake an early it in this situation, obviously.

OP, I’m sorry you’ve had a hard time of it with some responses here.

You do need to see a solicitor. They will listen to your full situation, and then give you advice best suited for you.

FWIW, I too had an exH who refused to move out, and refused to make it possible for me to move out. In my case I had been a sahm (initially by agreement, then due to circumstances, then due to exH refusal to step up and contribute to me returning to work) for 14 years. There was no dispute that I would continue to be main caregiver, nor that I would not return to work. I just didn’t have enough money in my name to be able to make the move (with the children), and he would not either enable this or move out himself (more than enough money to do so, he just wouldn’t do either option). Sometimes, people are just arseholes for the sake of it.

Is there enough space in your house to live separately? It isn’t easy, or comfortable, but you may have to just grit your teeth and do this while initiating divorce. It took my exH 18 months to move out, and it was a horrible time.

There are many factors which will influence what you are each entitled to from the marital assets, it isn’t always as straightforward as some posters have made out here. It really does depend on individual circumstances.

Ultimately, you do not have to have agreement from your husband to start divorce proceedings. Find a good solicitor, and then go from there.

Thank you I appreciate that!

Do you think that he would want primary custody?

If you are absolutely sure he would not then what about saying look, this isn't working. I don't want to be with you. The children should not be uprooted from their home so whoever stays here, takes custody. I want that to be me but if you refuse to leave then I will. You will take the children and I will have visitation. I'll give you X days to decide whether you are leaving or I am.

This would only work as a bluff if you are 100% sure that he is not going to want to have custody.

I only suggest it because most men just assume they get to walk away and being the one taking care of the children simply doesn't occur to them!

Sole burden or providing everything for everyone? I guess kids are fine so long as you throw some money at them and put a roof over their heads. Or do they take a lot of physical, emotional support? Meals? Doctors? Mental stimulation? She is doing her fair share of the work. To suggest otherwise is frankly insulting. You don't know why they are in this position. "Those of us who are a bit sharper" what an awful human being.

There are clearly a lot of men on this thread, OP.

Try picturing them posting in their pants, frothing with rage at the idea of a woman trying to leave her husband without accepting that she is WRONG and BAD.

It's unpleasant, but it might make you laugh

Yeah the money thing is quite important though isn’t it? And actually caring for the children is something literally thousands of us do alongside full and part time careers.

Yes and? He decided to have children too but doesn't have to sacrifice some important career years. He gets to come out the other end with children AND a few years ahead.

OK congrats, and what if you couldn't afford to do so? What if your childcare costs were more than you earned...? Then what would you do? You would have a decision to make. And not everyone would make the same ones as you for different reasons. It doesn't make you better than the ones who decided money was more important for the short term.

The OP wants to get out, which is absolutely the right thing to do if she’s in a shitty relationship. What would have been sensible is when the younger two met the threshold for 30hours free childcare, put them in and work PT to get your foot back in the door, whether it’s going to previous career or a job to get some cash. Surely if you wanted to leave you’d hit the ground running so to speak?

What she "should have done" is redundant as we aren't in her situation and don't know what their finances will allow. Regardless of that, insulting people who made different decisions to you, prioritised different things, and calling yourself "sharper" for it is just gross behaviour from someone who clearly isn't sharp enough to realise different circumstances call for different decisions

Sadly for you the op is entitled to at least half of the assets, probably more.

Ignore these posts op. You aren't being greedy.

First thing to do is to get the divorce started. There will have to be a financial settlement and the assets, including the house will get sorted then. It's likely that you will need to sell up and start again, but that will be so much better than what you are enduring now.

Aren't they just. It seems to be getting worse too.

The youngest children may have only just turned 3 so may not have taken up a nursery place yet. You only get 30 hours free childcare in term time and that is only if both parents are working for at least 16 hours per week. I believe there is also an upper limit so if one parent is earning more than 100k then they aren't eligible.

All 3 and 4 year olds are eligible for 15 hours free so it would mean the op funding those extra hours for a while if she wants to find a job which takes her over the 16 hrs.

I work full time so am in no way making excuses but it is really really hard to find a part time job in school hours. Not to mention the issue of school holidays. On top of this no real childcare support from the other parent. It is really easy to say 'just get a job' but one that fits in with 3 small kids is tough.

it is not a prerequisite to have thought of everything before posting!!! Posting here is to get advice and support.

A comment like “OP, have you looked into getting 30h free childcare for the twins, here’s a link” is very different from the general tone of “god, how stupid are you to have not done everything already” that permeates many posts.

The op is a sahm with two three year olds. It will most likely be more than 50%.