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Original poster

How do you end a marriage if DH refuses to accept it’s over?

165 replies

Saltysea2001 · 03/03/2023 21:10

It’s been years if shit. Separate rooms. Im deeply unhappy. I told DH today that I want to separate - he refuses to accept it and refuses to move out. What are my options? I do not want to reconcile. We have three children. I’m desperate.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 03/03/2023 21:49

And I don’t want to be forced out of the home where my children are settled because he refuses to accept it’s over.

It's his home, too, and if you can't afford to pay for the home on your own, it will have to be sold or he can buy you out.

SamanthaJ125 · 03/03/2023 21:49

I can imagine childcare for twins is ridiculous cost although as someone has said they are now eligable for 30 hrs free childcare so id look into that.

id try to get some info together eg his wage, any savings, mortgage details, pensions.

id also start looking for a part time job around 16 hrs so eventually when you split, you could be entitled to benefits top up.

good luck

Zanatdy · 03/03/2023 21:49

Mummyof287 · 03/03/2023 21:32

You don't work and he earns all the money (so is clearly paying off all the mortgage i'm guessing) yet you want half the house? Doesn't seem very fair....did you put lots into it before? Or pay a big chunk of the deposit?

You're entitled to want to end the relationship, but not sure why you haven't realised before that you will need to be able to stand on your own two feet to do so :-/

Show quote history

If someone has a standard joint mortgage then it’s pretty common for the woman to give up work for a few years or go part time when children go along. This lady has twins, childcare for them would cost more than she earns. Her husband is able to work full time, advance in his career and bump up his pension without any impact from having children. So you think a woman who gives up a job to look after their joint children isn’t entitled to a 50% share in the house? Luckily the law see’s it differently

Zeroplucks202 · 03/03/2023 21:50

Mummyof287 · 03/03/2023 21:32

You don't work and he earns all the money (so is clearly paying off all the mortgage i'm guessing) yet you want half the house? Doesn't seem very fair....did you put lots into it before? Or pay a big chunk of the deposit?

You're entitled to want to end the relationship, but not sure why you haven't realised before that you will need to be able to stand on your own two feet to do so :-/

Show quote history

Why is everyone being so horrible to the op who is clearly going through a distressing time? She has three year old twins fhs! Looking after them IS work.

And questioning her about the deposit when she clearly stated that she paid for 60% of the house with an inheritance? It's perfectly reasonable not to want to lose her share in those circumstances.

OP you need to gather financial info and important documents together and go and see a solicitor discreetly. Find out what your options are. They may put you in touch with a mediation service so you and your DH can come to a civilised agreement but if he's determined to be difficult you may need further legal advice. Ask around quietly for recommendations from women friends or just go and see a few and pick one.

I hope you are able to move things forward.

girljulian · 03/03/2023 21:51

Why do people always expect the husband to move out? Of course, if you’re the one who wants to end it, you must move out.

MichelleScarn · 03/03/2023 21:51

Saltysea2001 · 03/03/2023 21:19

Ok. Does that mean I lose my rights to half of our house? And what do we live on? I don’t work - he earns all the money.

So you want him to move out and lose half the house? Any maintenance he'll pay is for the kids. You need to get a job.

MichelleScarn · 03/03/2023 21:52

Saltysea2001 · 03/03/2023 21:32

Er - I’m not sure how this is relevant, but I’ve got twins aged 3, and one who has started school and we agreed I would give up work when we had our first. Like many, many other households I imagine.

Ah right, there's twins.

Zeroplucks202 · 03/03/2023 21:52

Sorry I said "everyone" was being nasty in response to some of earlier answers. There have been some more helpful ones in since!

Fairislefandango · 03/03/2023 21:58

Not these days. Might depend on your circle. In the 80s or before perhaps...

In the 80s or before Hmm Why the snarky, spiteful responses? Of course it's still pretty common for mothers to give up work for a while when their children are very small. The OP is clearly aware aware that she's going to need to go back to work.

Haffiana · 03/03/2023 21:58

How do you end a marriage?

Maybe you could post about it on social media instead of, you know, talking to a solicitor?

MyriadOfTravels · 03/03/2023 22:07

Solicitor, solicitor, solicitor.

Then you know how to handle the situation but as a rough guide, I’d say that you shouldn’t leave the house if you want to stay living there with your dcs.

Make it clear that you will not reconciliate.
Find away to get a job.
Start talking about new arrangements re childcare (very easy to do EOW if ex is still in the house. You get to go out for a weekend, or at the very least do your own things Wo the dcs)
Find a job and agree on a split of childcare now. No more adjusting to his work. Yours is just as important, even if it pays less (or the same or more).

MyriadOfTravels · 03/03/2023 22:08

girljulian · 03/03/2023 21:51

Why do people always expect the husband to move out? Of course, if you’re the one who wants to end it, you must move out.

Because that’s also the 3 dcs home…

And the OP doesn’t say she doesn’t want to move ut as such. She is worried that if she does, she’ll loose everything, incl the deposit she put in when they bought it.

MyriadOfTravels · 03/03/2023 22:10

You don't work and he earns all the money (so is clearly paying off all the mortgage i'm guessing) yet you want half the house?

@Mummyof287 thats a pretty standard split when people are married. As I’m sure you know….
Actually she might be entitled to more, if eg her DH has a huge pension and she doesn’t etc….

Whatacouk · 03/03/2023 22:11

Mummyof287 · 03/03/2023 21:32

You don't work and he earns all the money (so is clearly paying off all the mortgage i'm guessing) yet you want half the house? Doesn't seem very fair....did you put lots into it before? Or pay a big chunk of the deposit?

You're entitled to want to end the relationship, but not sure why you haven't realised before that you will need to be able to stand on your own two feet to do so :-/

Show quote history

Huh??

By her not working they are saving money on childcare for multiple children. She is sacrificing a salary to do that.
Surely its only fair?

35965a · 03/03/2023 22:13

You need proper legal advice

Whyisitsososohard · 03/03/2023 22:13

So sorry you are going through this. My sister is in the same position. Its so hard as it's obviously having an impact on her mental health. I think ultimately she will have to move out which will be really disruptive for the kids.

housemaus · 03/03/2023 22:14

One of you has to move out. If he won't, then either you do, or you stay there together until the financial element of the divorce is sorted and it's been decided what happens with the house.

He doesn't need to accept it: just go and see a solicitor and get it started. He can't ignore his way out of it.

Standard would be 50/50 split financially, but obviously you can do it differently if you can agree between you, and custody arrangements will also affect child support payments. You will have to get back into work unless he's willing to cover you financially until they're eligible for 30 free hours (which seems unlikely) - maybe if you're not ready to start divorce proceedings yet then prepping/doing training for getting back to work is a good idea.

(FYI, being a stay at home parent is actually relatively unusual these days I think which might explain the responses you got. I don't know anyone who didn't go back to work at least part time after maternity leave.)

Bunnyishotandcross · 03/03/2023 22:16

I imagine her dh has been able to pay for everything because op saved him childcare for 3 dc for years...
Invoice the twat op.

Whyisitsososohard · 03/03/2023 22:18

Jesus christ the replies on here are fucking nasty. I hope you're trolls because if these comments are from real people I feel sad for you. Sorry people are so unkind op.

Gemls3123 · 03/03/2023 22:18

Move out if you can and deal with the rest of it later. If it’s difficult now it won’t get any better. There’s a lot of help out there. I know it’s probably a massive step and scary but it will get better

musingsinmidlife · 03/03/2023 22:18

He isn’t ‘working on his career’. You make it sound like he is off doing his own thing. In reality he is working to pay for 100% of the expenses for a family of 5. He is paying for housing, clothing, utilities, food and every want and need any of you have. If he decided to stop working, it wouldn’t only affect his career…it would affect all your lives as he is paying for everything and sacrificing time with his kids. That sacrifice on his end means you will walk away with the kids and lots of money and more. What does he get? Nothing.

You have been in a crappy marriage for awhile and done nothing to pay for any expenses related to having children. You would have childcare hours but seem to think you have no financial responsibility for your own children.

Sunriseinwonderland · 03/03/2023 22:18

You just consult a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. You won't get the house it will be split. You may get child maintenance but he might claim 50% residence in which case you will not.
You need to start thinking about finding work.
If you are imagining keeping the house and him paying for it all it isn't going to happen. You have to face facts but a solicitor will tell you what you will likely get in a divorce.

PoseyFlump · 03/03/2023 22:23

OP it did sound a little like you expect your DH to leave but still pay for everything while you stay in the house with the kids. Is this what you meant?

redgirl1 · 03/03/2023 22:24

I’m going to go against the grain here and say if you can bear it stay in the house. If he is determined to stay then you need to co-exist while the divorce proceeds until there is a financial settlement and you both can then make your future plans.
As others have said you need to get your 30 free hours childcare and get back to work. You will need to support yourself, you may have an opportunity to take over the mortgage so getting back to work is essential. And they may take adjustment on both sides with your husband doing some of the drop off/ pick ups.
You can be in limbo a long time with a divorce but at least you know it’s started and will happen.

mathanxiety · 03/03/2023 22:24

File divorce papers.

He has to respond.

Part of the settlement will involve disposition of the house, decision as to who lives there, etc.

You don't need his permission to do this. Get a solicitor and get the ball rolling. He can be served the papers by a process server. After that it's up to him to respond.

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