Please help - just found out FIL is a paedophile

[anon4]

I am in a desperate situation. Have just found that FIL is a convicted paedophile and I am 5 months pregnant. The whole of DH's family is deeply dysfunctional. I am already (within days of this shock) being put under outrageous pressure from DH's entire extended family to forgive and help FIL's attempts at rehabilitation. However my absolute gut instinct is to have absolutely nothing further to do with them and not to let our future daughter anywhere near them. I couldn't forgive myself if anything would happen, and I put mis-placed 'family loyalty' above the safety of our daughter. My protective maternal instincts are in overdrive. DH is split, and wants to see if we can work on compromises such as allowing them to see her with us present. I cannot even stomach that, and don't want her to be near these people. We are both in deep distress. I don't know what to do: follow my instincts but will bust up my DH's family, or bow to pressure to allow them some sort of access to our daughter?

I just find it incomprehensible. If all men are meant to be viewed with suspicion, why would you ever have a relationship with one, given that he might be a paedophile? Why would you choose to have children, given that they might be boys, and might grow up to be paedophiles? after all, presumably those that think all men should be viewed as perverts are also totally comfortable with the idea that their own sons will grow up and should be viewed as perverts?

sorry but yes, I do think it's unhealthy, and I do think that it is damaging to children. There's a vast difference between boys not having much male contact through circumstance, and not having contact with men because men should all be viewed as bad.

And if you tell your sons that men are bad, then they will grow up knowing they will one day grow into men, who are bad.

Meant to saty it is your dh's decision whether to stand by his father...

Kerrymum - unfortunately - I think you are pretty much spot on

JV - I think poss. Sophable and I, and others, concur on the rehabilitative aspect of sex offenders, much to the disapproval of alot of other posters.
This is a child protection issue, yes? And I don't see not leaving dd alone with adult males for any appreciable period of time is anything other than being utterly sane and not damaging to dd whatsoever.

no I am not living with rose-tinted glasses. Of course abuce goes on, and it is tragic for the victims. But I think it is outragious to suggest that all men are paedophiles, and that all children that have one to one contact with men will be abused, because that is simply not true.

And by suggesting that all men are child abusers, you are suggesting that your sons will grow up to be child abusers. maybe not directly but definitely indirectly, and I think that's a very unhealthy view to have of the world .

wannaBe - nobody has said anything like you have alleged, neither KM nor I.

I haven't read the whole thread, because I can't bear to - but I am shocked and saddened that people have such low opinions of all men.

Wannabe - you have made quite a leap there!

What is being suggested are risk-reducing measures that are being put in place by some in order to prevent their children being abused.

Isn't it being suggested that children are never left alone with other males though?

wannabe - I dont see that as what anyone is suggesting but its like working out the odds of something bad happening.

Kerrymum - sadly you are living in a world of hatred.

Most families do not experience this.

its a bit like wearing a seatbelt or not owning a pit bull - things that in themselves do not mean immediate or definite harm - just risk reduction

No, not all males. What pan does, and some others have said, is that they wont leave their children alone with "some" men. Each situation is judged on it's own merit, and based on what knowledge is perceived at the time.

I'm with the don't let him see her crowd.

I personally will do whatever I need to - to make sure my DS is safe - even if it is different from/considered excessive by others

Most families do not experience this....

do you know this?

and yours did, did it not?

I'd also refer folks to VVVQV's thread last year re the experience of abuse suffered by posters here. Horrible, painful to read, but not really a shock re unreported incidents.

I couldn't live with that world view - that of "all males are potential abusers". Because that's what's being said, isn't it?

That's like saying that all car/train/aeroplane journeys are potentially fatal - if you live your life by potential risk, you never actually live, surely?

perhaps I am - and I am sorry if you think I am

I also think you have been way out of line in your comments to me.

I feel for you and I think what you are doing is damaging.

But we will never agreee as we come form totally different palces

Sorry, Pan - am quoting you: "And I don't see not leaving dd alone with adult males for any appreciable period of time is anything other than being utterly sane and not damaging to dd whatsoever."

Where does it say "some", VVV?