Please help - just found out FIL is a paedophile

[anon4]

I am in a desperate situation. Have just found that FIL is a convicted paedophile and I am 5 months pregnant. The whole of DH's family is deeply dysfunctional. I am already (within days of this shock) being put under outrageous pressure from DH's entire extended family to forgive and help FIL's attempts at rehabilitation. However my absolute gut instinct is to have absolutely nothing further to do with them and not to let our future daughter anywhere near them. I couldn't forgive myself if anything would happen, and I put mis-placed 'family loyalty' above the safety of our daughter. My protective maternal instincts are in overdrive. DH is split, and wants to see if we can work on compromises such as allowing them to see her with us present. I cannot even stomach that, and don't want her to be near these people. We are both in deep distress. I don't know what to do: follow my instincts but will bust up my DH's family, or bow to pressure to allow them some sort of access to our daughter?

doing god this red wine is not helping my typing!

yes that's what's I've been thinking Mrs Malaprop.

in probation I am an SPO, but not for this work, for something else, and currently temporary. I ahve been SPO previously, in very difficult circs, and may do it again later. But it doesn't 'grab' me compared with what is my 'bread and butter'.

so km whne your ds does chess do you move his King for hi,?

what's an adapted facilitator?

But can they play the clarinet?

I was a trainee forensic psychologist then after DS got work as a PSO as it was better paid!

Think I would like to get out of this line of work now though as the government seem to want to drown us in ridiculous targets and box ticking!

What area are you in?? am ridiclously pleased to find a co-worker of sorts!

not read thread..just OP but..i would say NO NO NO..trust your isntinct, protect yourself your daughter and get rid of FIL!

and very nice to talk with you too!!

would rather not point to an area specifically, for anon purposes...but somewhere in the NW of England. Sorry.

Pan - adapted is a version of SOTP for those prisoners who score below a certain level on IQ tests - basically for SN types, uses more concrete language + pictures and drawings etc rather than written on the board stuff during sessions

ah me too - in the NW, that is.

Nice to chat!

tick -boxes, yes, but there are ways of working positively, yes. I do recall the days when it was pretty 'easy' and a whole lot of unaccountable rot was done. So I guess we brought it down on ourselves in a way.

A paedophile is a paedophile in which ever environment he is in.
KEEP YOUR DAUGHTER AWAY FROM YOUR FIL.

but unless you keep your children with you at all times, you realistically can never ensure that they never come into one-on-one contact with men.

they could walk from their class to take the register to the office, and a male teacher could be in the corridor at the same time, if they go for a sleepover the mum could be upstairs with another child and the dad could be in the lounge/kitchen wherever your child is, or the mum could have to pop to the shop (or do you tell your friends' mothers that you think their husbands are potentially paedophiles and thus you don't want them coming into contact with your children).

No matter how much we try to protect our children, we can never protect them 100% of the time, unless we never let them out of our sight.

FWIW lots of boys are brought up with very little contact with adult males. I'm not just thinking about now, I'm thinking about people I know who had only sisters and a father who travelled, and war families who lost fathers and uncles. I don't think it should be painted as the worst thing psychologically that can happen to a boy (obviously upsetting emotionally to lose your father etc but that's not what this is about).

I encourage lots of healthy contact but people that don't feel able to, for various reasons, shouldn't be made to feel as though they are causing irreparable damage.

ha ha! well Ive only recently joined the probation service (2 yrs) so dont really know about previous "easy" stuff.

Am ready for a change still I think

i dont know what the overall feeling is here as i have not fully read all replys.

however i could not have my dd's any wher near him.

Aaargh!! I feel like I've lost my footing on the 'Rehab for all/Lynch 'em' sliding scale.
I always figured if I took a great big pinch of Pan and Sophables understanding of the subject and then placed myself two levels up from them on the hardline approach - I'd be sorted.

But on this thread, you've both just ripped the rug from under my feet!

I honestly don't believe the 'no alone time with ANY male' is healthy.

But re the op - don't feel guilt, if you don't want him near your child, don't allow it. Personally, I wouldn'y have anything to do with the useless mil either- but realise that may be a bit harsh (for some...not me obviously!).

FWIW - I take a similar attitude to Pan and limit opportunities for any male to have private access to my DS. I know, I know and agree to some extent that this may warp perceptions of male figures but have seen and heard too many horrific things to risk it.

Its a personal choice - but for the OP I do believe her gut instincts are correct. Do not allow any acces to your LO's. The mother cannot be seen as a protective influence for a number of reasons so even letting the DC see her when the FIL is present and you are not is IMO risky.

Can I just say that I am in the middle of a nightmare in which DD2 aged 3 has disclosed to me that her father abused her. She obviously doesn't know it was wrong, to her it was just Daddy doing stuff. But the more she talks about it the worse it becomes. There is now a police investigation. I can honestly say that there is NO way on earth I would ever allow DD2 to spend time alone with her father again. Ever. He's her Dad, and normally I am all for keeping relationships alive between parents and children in a divorce situation but I could no more let her be with him alone than put her in a cage full of lions. I will even fight against a supervised contact order should one be granted.
I couldn't stomach the fact that he is looking at my baby and having sexual thoughts. It makes me want to vomit. I can't believe anyone would knowingly allow their child to be in the company of a paedophile.

I'm not issuing a "Pan-fatwah" on all men!! I am one!!

I'm simply saying that in order to reduce the risk of dd being vulnerable to abusive male behaviour, I, and dd's mum totally agrees, that dd isn't left in the company of lone male adults for any appreciable length of time. She doesn't see men as odd ( other than me....) or scary. She is well-defended in her own capacity.

Others make other decisions. Fine for them.

That should read - "the mother - in - law cannot be seen as a protective influence"

In response to the OP...ask your DH what on earth benefit there is to your unborn dd to have a relationship with her grandfather when he views little girls/boys as fair prey for his sick perversion.
Are these people ever capable of fully differentiating between an innocent child in a sick image and that of their own family members?

If your dh wants to keep a relationship with him (and this may well change when he becomes a father himself and experiences that fierce fatherly protective love) but why should you or your child be made to do so?

I'm sorry you have found yourself in this position.