Please help - just found out FIL is a paedophile

[anon4]

I am in a desperate situation. Have just found that FIL is a convicted paedophile and I am 5 months pregnant. The whole of DH's family is deeply dysfunctional. I am already (within days of this shock) being put under outrageous pressure from DH's entire extended family to forgive and help FIL's attempts at rehabilitation. However my absolute gut instinct is to have absolutely nothing further to do with them and not to let our future daughter anywhere near them. I couldn't forgive myself if anything would happen, and I put mis-placed 'family loyalty' above the safety of our daughter. My protective maternal instincts are in overdrive. DH is split, and wants to see if we can work on compromises such as allowing them to see her with us present. I cannot even stomach that, and don't want her to be near these people. We are both in deep distress. I don't know what to do: follow my instincts but will bust up my DH's family, or bow to pressure to allow them some sort of access to our daughter?

My FIL is a paedophile, he was convicted of viewing pictures and editing the faces(not sure what the term is) to MIL's mindees.

MIL gave up her job and divorced him so it was easier for us. He had not abused any of the children in MIL's care but she felt devastated that she had put them at risk.

I found out before me and DP had kids, he has never seen them and never will. He keeps in touch via email which I feel better about, it means we can keep tabs on him ( I phoned Crimestoppers because he had moved to Manchester and started dating a childminder there as well)

IMO he could have changed if he really wanted to but targeting a childminder was too much and I would not allow him to be near my children!

All car/rail/air journeys are potentially fatal though. Thats why there are seatbelts and oxygen masks and saftey demonstratins and emergency exits - risk management

no probs hunks. It's wot I rote.

as a victim of abuse
i used to let my dcs see my abuser

then i stopped contact

years later i reported abuse

abuser convicted

i think i was DUMB -and bloody narrow minded to think the situation was tenable

i put my dcs at risk and have now learned from police etc that was not wise

my advise is this under no circumstances let dd have contact imo most abusers dont even think what they are doing is wrong...

Risk management, yes.

But the tack that's being suggested on this thread is to avoid all planes, cars and trains entirely. That's not risk management - that's shutting yourself off from the entire world with a big T-shirt on that says "MISTRUSTING PEOPLE TODAY".

And I think that's sad.

Unfortunately, I happen to have come across several cases where children have been tortured or murdered by women. Should this mean I should never let dd play in a house where she might be alone with a woman? Tbh I don't think being murdered would be better than being sexually abused.

just imagining saying to db that he cannot take my children diving as he COULD abuse them

well that would be a whole family fucked up

Some are saying that hunker. It's not my view on it. There are definitely some folk that make me more wary than others.

If I held a blanket view of all men, I'd not have had family babysitting and/or childminding for me. There is one family member I'd not allow alone contact with, but, am quite happy for my children to be around whilst I or others are around.

Like I said, each situation on its own merit.

Just looked QV, I still dont see where Pan says 'some'.

(No big issue with your take on this Pan - sooner your attitude than a neglectful one that leaves a child vulnerable to abuse - just not for me is all).

Quite agree with not letting my children see any known abusers though. That's a known risk.

ok cory. Let's be having it? How many women tourture/murder children. By conviction. In say, the last 50 years?

somewhere hours ago I posted the comparative prevalence of female/male sexual abusers. The figure is infintessimal.

Well, yes, VVV, I'm not up for leaving the boys with Mr DirtyFlasherMac to look through his collection of interesting magazines - that much is common sense. But saying "each situation on its own merits" is different from saying, "No men near my child by themselves ever" which is what I thought Pan and others were saying.

yes they are Hunker

it depends on priorities

my family is 'fucked up' oldroot
but my kids are safe

at what price?

The "some" is my highlighting my interpretation of what pan had said.

a necessary price

the thinkg is my family is not fucked up

none of them

but it would be if I took this stance

sadly

not for me or mine

Agree that in this situation I'd say no contact. Thats just sensible and fully understandable. You want to protect your child, and here there are clear grounds that to do so will mean avoiding this person (and possibly his wife).

But wrt the idea that no men should be allowed to have unsupervised contact with children - I disagree. Obviously people must do what they think is right for their family, but I refuse to live like that.

I make the best judgements that I can about who spends time with my dd. I think its really important that (particularly in the absence of her father) she spends time with men who I trust. She has fantastic relationships with my two younger db, my father and stepfather, and some of my male friends. Its a delight to see and does her so much good.

I agree with other posters who have said that to ban all contact with 'men' as an entity is in itself likely to lead to skewed relationships in the future and possibly perpetuate the problem.

I cant really think of many situations personally where I need to leave my DS alone with anyone - I know there are/will be for others and agree you have to judge it on merits of individual. I dont think people are suggesting avoid planes/trains etc (tocarry on the metaphor)since that would mean avoiding planes etc altogether - the suggestion is to manage risk by ensuring DC's are with males whilst others are present ( i think) not leaving DC's with solo males for long periods. The nature of abuse is that generally "grooming" would take place - which takes time (i.e repeated occaisions - alone - with the predatory male for trust/fear/controlling/whatever) behaviour to take place. If DC's do dnot spend lots of time/occaisions alone with males this is less likely to happen

I agree with Cod - what would your dd get out of this relationship? If it was the bloke next door you would not be asking this question Anon (who'se disappeared think) - you wuld stand between your dd and him with an iron bar wrapped in brambles.
Drop the whole family.(bar dh)

then you are lucky

but the reason y family fell apart was that the abuser was a 'lovely popular pillar of the community' and many did not think him capable

therein lies the problem ....you never know