Please help - just found out FIL is a paedophile

[anon4]

I am in a desperate situation. Have just found that FIL is a convicted paedophile and I am 5 months pregnant. The whole of DH's family is deeply dysfunctional. I am already (within days of this shock) being put under outrageous pressure from DH's entire extended family to forgive and help FIL's attempts at rehabilitation. However my absolute gut instinct is to have absolutely nothing further to do with them and not to let our future daughter anywhere near them. I couldn't forgive myself if anything would happen, and I put mis-placed 'family loyalty' above the safety of our daughter. My protective maternal instincts are in overdrive. DH is split, and wants to see if we can work on compromises such as allowing them to see her with us present. I cannot even stomach that, and don't want her to be near these people. We are both in deep distress. I don't know what to do: follow my instincts but will bust up my DH's family, or bow to pressure to allow them some sort of access to our daughter?

km i am not convinced you aheva snwered the question.

dittany - the comparison was about the 'protective behaviours' NOT the victims at all. Sorry for any misunderstanding.

"km i am not convinced you aheva snwered the question..." now who isn't leaving work at work!!

dittany - I am not arguing with you on that point at all.

'I am saying what I'm saying because I feel your attitude is letting your dd down. This is entirely coached by my own personal experience. I feel this is more about YOU and not about protecting her. And if (and I fervently hope she is NEVER)she is abused again she will never trust YOU'

My dd enjoys the freedom to learn the clarinet with a decent man

She enjoys the freedom that comes from living in a house with a mother and father she trusts totally

This is normal!

I wouldn't allow contact.

Oldroot, I understand where you're coming from. I think you will have considered this to the nth degree before allowing contact after the incident, and not taken the decision lightly.

I allow my boys contact with various males, but I do my utmost to limit risks. Whilst I am aware (from a work perspective, rather than personal experience) of how these offenders operate, I have to balance that with allowing my children a childhood that has some freedom.

Pan - can I aks what your job is/ your area of expertise?

ask

recently ds1 did some work with a man in his twenties. (he was not alone)

this man was very firendly
he uesd o text ds1
He never suggested anything inapporpriate...but when he asked ds to do some more work for him I was uncomfortable.

I questioned ds and he laughed at me - saing 'oh fgs mum don't you think i would ellyou?'

the bloke has left

I am happy

I have bought up my kids with confidence

As much as I understand why this debate has started, the OP wants advice on what to do about her FIL - not about men in general and she needs our support. If we want to argue about the pros and cons of letting our children have contact with men we should start a new thread. Sorry if i'm being preachy, but I just feel that this is a horrible situation and that we shouldn't hijack the thread with a wider debate.

I agree with the other threads that say you should go with your instinct and cross that bridge when you come to it. I feel awful for you,Anon, but please don't let it spoil your pregnancy. It is such a special time.

I'm thinking of you.

yes but we can and we will - as this is MN

yes but we can and we will - as this is MN

yes, given that I've spouted so much here!!

I used spend my work days working with men who have sexually abused children and adult women, as well as other risky types. I also now "supervise" "victim workers", and am a source of consultancy to others who do this work.

Lots of experience and qualification, but never stop learning, is the way it is, as we know so little aboutthis area.

fair enough

Pan you have my utmost respect, I couldnt do it, I really couldnt.

I am in a similar line of work - used to facitlitate on the Sex Offender Treatment Programme in prisons, did my MSc in forensic psychology and now work with victims. Do you work freelance or for prison/probation??

Pan, I take your point and tried to google it which I should have done in the first place but didn't have the time. But was a bit worried what might come up on my computer to take it too far.

It wasn't helpful of me to put it down when I wasn't sure, so am happy to withdraw it.

But FWIW it doesn't really change my mind on this particular situation .. with TotalChaos on this one: if there's doubt, the child must come first. And with Cod saying: to allow contact but say that you mustn't trust X would be very bewildering.

I wouldn?t let a convicted paedophile anywhere near my child. However?

I know I?m going to get lynched for this, but I think the attitude of not letting your child have any contact with any male is disturbed, and potentially damaging to that child.

I can totally see the motivation behind it, but I think that our own experiences can sometimes skew the way we think.

If your dd?s are never allowed contact with any men, how will they ever be able to form relationships with men as adults, if they have never been allowed to form them as children? If you teach your children that all men are perverts, and presumably you will have had to give them some reason why they are not allowed to be with uncle john/granddad/daddy, (he is also a man after all so presumably also on the no contact list), then I fear you run the risk of them growing up with serious trust issues, but not trust issues based on their experiences, but based on the boundaries inforced on them by their mother.

There are men who are paedophiles, but there are many, many more who are not. Tarring all men with the same brush is extremely offensive to those who find sexual abuce against children repulsive and would never consider it, and will surely make your children grow up with a mistrust of all men which is unfounded.

Surely it?s better to teach our children what is right and wrong, rather than to take all risk away from them so they never learn to assess risk for themselves?

It?s like living next door to the school, and only going to the shops when the kids are at school so they?ll never have to cross the road in case they get hit by a car.

pinkmook - maily probation, but also with NSPCC and local authority. I did do the community version of your SOTP for a few years. Leaned MASSES from it, and often see it as the best professional time spent.

stuffit. Fine

VS - more people could do it, I'm sure, with good motivation and training

Gawd, you must be sick with worry.

At the moment you dont need to make a rushed decision,you can consider your situation properly. They sound like a family in denial, so will probably not listen to reason, so what you do and say has to be well thought out so you can cover all the points they will want to argue in his favour.

As far as I am concerned any man that gains satisfaction by using images of children being abused is a sick individual, and there is no known cure for it, none. Unfortunately, abusers usually commit numerous offences before they are caught, and this is not a risk any mother should be willing to take.

Your dh, will of course be feeling a medley of emotions, but ultimately your beautiful unborn daughter has the right to a wonderful happy childhood, as for contact supervised or not it takes 2 seconds to take away innocence, and MIL seems to think hes a good guy so I doubt she or the rest of the family will think twice if they have to nip out for a min or too, seen as hes so reformed!

Don't be fooled these men are expert groomers of children and adults, they will play you like a fool its not just the abuse its the game that leads up to it that is just as gratifying. He is a man that uses children's horrific pain to gain his sexual satisfaction, that is not a grandfather, thats a monster.

What is your role in Probation?

Sorry for being nosey - love a good chin wag with a fellow CJ person!

I loved doin SOTP (that sounds weird to those who haven't done the work - I guess you know what I mean though!) Also trained as an adapted facilitator which was even more interesting.

Are you an SPO?

I don't know whether this is a load of crap, but if we all kept our children from forming relationships with men, would that not create a situation in which men are not having normal, natural relationships with children and make them more likely to develop unnatural feelings towards children?

This may be rubbish psychobabble, but someone said further up that men who have close daily relationships with their children are less likely to offend, so it would seem to follow?