Please help - just found out FIL is a paedophile

[anon4]

I am in a desperate situation. Have just found that FIL is a convicted paedophile and I am 5 months pregnant. The whole of DH's family is deeply dysfunctional. I am already (within days of this shock) being put under outrageous pressure from DH's entire extended family to forgive and help FIL's attempts at rehabilitation. However my absolute gut instinct is to have absolutely nothing further to do with them and not to let our future daughter anywhere near them. I couldn't forgive myself if anything would happen, and I put mis-placed 'family loyalty' above the safety of our daughter. My protective maternal instincts are in overdrive. DH is split, and wants to see if we can work on compromises such as allowing them to see her with us present. I cannot even stomach that, and don't want her to be near these people. We are both in deep distress. I don't know what to do: follow my instincts but will bust up my DH's family, or bow to pressure to allow them some sort of access to our daughter?

I am truly at a loss as to how I could possibly ensure my dcs were never left alone with their male adult relatives. What about when grandparents look after them and Grandma/Nanny pops out to the shop or even just to have a bath? And ditto their Uncle and Aunt?

Exactly pagwatch.

Balance.

I repeat. Mild questioning. I have not shouted or sworn or accused anyone of being a bad parent. I have, however, not agreed with you.

Kerry - how much counselling have you received?

I don't know where you live but there is a wonderful place called ISAS (incest and sexual abuse survivors) who may really help you.

Surely when the dcs are older they will be going off on their own to places / friends houses wothout me where they could potentially end up in an 'alone' situation with an adult male? When I was in my early teens I used to hang out at various friends' houses at weekends/holidays where thare may well have been Dads/Uncles/Grandads. Surely my dcs will be the same? I fail to see how I can 'protect' them completely as they grow up and gain independence - short of not letting them out of the house on their own until they're 20?

There is really no need to keep telling me to fuck off or ffs etc.

To keep your children away from all men just in case is technically an irrational thought in cognitive schematic understanding so I felt that you might benefit from more counselling. Anyway - I would not deem to tell you that you are being an ineffective parent just because I don't agree with your views - I do have some experience with sexual abuse survivors and FWIW the most likely offenders are people who have been abused themselves - that is a fact. I am not inferring that you would but just that the reasons you have these strong views are due to your experiences and thankfully your experiences are neither normal or that of the majority.

Best left anyway and I hope you are not as upset as your posts seem to sound

I've read the majority of this thread, and no matter what anyone has said, I am still really upset by this concept that all men are potentially evil and should never be trusted.

My first thought is always - why men? Yes, there are more male paedophiles, but if we are going to be stopping alone contact, then you may as well hedge your bets and say no women too.

I am lucky. I haven't been abused. I have lived with a mother who fosters though and have seen/heard horrific things. Family members, carers, friends of friends etc. None of it will convince me that it is better for my children to live in a world of fear. Pan's DD with her sleepovers at a friend's with both parents... you can know 100% that both parents are always there? Teachers - I remember being alone with most of my teachers at one time or another.

Those who are not Pan (and therefore female) who follow this same system - fathers abuse too. Do you leave your children alone with their fathers? Or are they struck off the evil men list because you love them?

Oldroot's process of raising children aware and confident makes much more sense to me.

To the OP though - stay far far far away. You KNOW he does this. It isn't guesswork and presuming man = evil, it is fact. Don't risk it. Your DD will eventually ask where grandad is/why we don't see him. Don't lie. You don't need to give gory details, just explain that he isn't safe etc. I wouldn't know what to do with MIL. I am leaning towards seeing her on your territory/neutral ground and never letting her take DD away from you. I have never been able to fathom out the workings of the partners' minds though.

I wouldn't let my ds anywhere near any family member (including my own) if they had even considered doing anything like that. Even if he wants to rehabilitate anons dd should not be used as a test to see if he can. Those thoughts will always be in his head. Even if you are there while he sees dd, you don't know he is thinking!!!!

dittany - I honestly don't thing KM is being criticised and shouted down. She chooses to take questioning as criticism and lashes out in response. If you read the thread, you will find that the criciticm and shouting have largely come from her. I accept that she has a personal viewpoint that was formed by hideous personal experience-but it is still OK for other people to express alternative points of view on an open forum. And Wisteria offered a hand of friendship and solidarity and had it bitten off. It was not, as far as I can see a debating point. It seems to me unfair of you to suggest it was.

Anon - most people who recieve a Community Rehabilitation Order with treatment conditions to attend a Sex Offender Treatment Programme (which it sounds like your FIL did) - will also have some restrictions on their contact with under 16's. It may be that , in fact, your FIL is not allowed to see you unborn child when it is born even if you wanted him to.

In my experience, Police, Social Services and his Probation officer would need to do a thorough risk assessment. This might also involve a specialist assessment from a psychologist.

In essence, although your viewpoints would be considered, It might not be your choice to make !

KM I think the reason why you cannot fathom why other parents would not make the same choices as you re. contact with males, is because of your past experience - which sounds utterly terrible and I am very sorry to hear of However, this does not make your choice right and Oldroot's (for e.g.) wrong - it is personal choice. Like Pagwatch said, balance is key.

Op that's a great point by LaidBack and it might help you to discuss the situation with your DH - if you can say "I wonder if he will be banned from being around children - is there any way we can find out?". Then it is an issue of the law and something your DH will have to think about on that level.

I don't like discussing other people so this is my last post on this particular part of the thread. I don't think it was a sly dig. And if I was saying I don't think anyone has ever been abused and it's ridiculous to even suggest it and people who say they have been are lying and I would be happy for my children to go away for the weekend on their own with the OP's fil I would be in denial and it would be entirely reasonable for someone to suggest I needed counselling.

Sorry, my last post should have been addressed to Dittany.

Because, after all, that's what MY personal experience would lead me to believe.The difference is tht I know my personal experience does not, sadly, reflect everyone's reality.

Crumbs, still going?!

cod - what would I do if/when dd's mum has another rel.? We'd cross that bridge etc. Dd's mum is pretty clear on this approach too. Besides, dd is v. well self-defended and is now 8 years old.

ah a CRO - isn't that now a Community Order with requirements now, post-CJA?? But yes, if he is subject to this he will not be allowed contact, and the details of his sex offender registration or any Sex Offender Prevention Order may be more specific.!

Sorry about my post CJA - faux pas Pan - I'm a little out of touch .

Dittany - I did not say that KM needed counselling, I simply asked how much she had had as whichever way you look at it, to suggest that all men can't be trusted is irrational and the sort of schema that counselling tries to overcome. I did try to be conciliatory in my defence and did not tell KM to FO etc even though she told me I was an ineffective parent...

As far as the OP goes then I would not allow my dd/ ds to have any contact with FIL as he has been convicted - that is an entirely different point.

Hi Kerry - glad you came back.

You did say you would not leave your child unsupervised with a lone male and I think that is what people are generally arguing about. Obviously it is your right and choice as a parent to make those decisions but you also said that those of us who choose to bring our children up differently were not doing our jobs as parents.
I can hear the anger you hold at those adults who should have protected you but didn't and I understand it and feel angry on your behalf for this as well but just because I, for example, have engendered in my children the ability to tell me anything, determine what is appropriate and not and the assertiveness to stick up for themselves from an early age, without telling them that they should be distrusting of all strangers does not mean I am an ineffective parent.

Unfortunately we cannot protect our children from all risk, however much we would like to. We all do our best to be great parents but we need to arm our children with the skills to recognise danger and inappropriate behaviour, and learn to be independent in this world.

I don't think I am stupid.

and your comment to Oldroot really was offensive and underhand. She is owed an apology for that.