Please help - just found out FIL is a paedophile

[anon4]

I am in a desperate situation. Have just found that FIL is a convicted paedophile and I am 5 months pregnant. The whole of DH's family is deeply dysfunctional. I am already (within days of this shock) being put under outrageous pressure from DH's entire extended family to forgive and help FIL's attempts at rehabilitation. However my absolute gut instinct is to have absolutely nothing further to do with them and not to let our future daughter anywhere near them. I couldn't forgive myself if anything would happen, and I put mis-placed 'family loyalty' above the safety of our daughter. My protective maternal instincts are in overdrive. DH is split, and wants to see if we can work on compromises such as allowing them to see her with us present. I cannot even stomach that, and don't want her to be near these people. We are both in deep distress. I don't know what to do: follow my instincts but will bust up my DH's family, or bow to pressure to allow them some sort of access to our daughter?

Where did I say I didn't make them aware of potential danger? To quote myself "I have just said that there are a few bad people in the world, and I have reinforced the "it"s all right to say no" message. I have been very careful not to screw up this message by EVER saying that the have to kiss granny if they don't want to, or sit on anyone's lap or all the things that some people think children should do. I insist on politeness (they have been trained to shake hands from a very early age) but not on any form of affection or intimacy they are not happy with."

And I will be very surprised if your ds is still happy for you to be with him at all times when he's 14 - never mind 18!

I would rather bust up the family than take the risk. If the family think anything of baby they will understand. DONT TAKE THE RISK!!!!

can't resist....

Overprotecting your children is just as dangerous as underprotecting them.

It's amazing how only certain points get answered here......

you were right the first time

So I am sticking my head in the sand by allowing dd to go for a walk with her grandad?

Think it's time for me to leave too.

Now listen Kerry - don't accuse others of being hysterical - you are being the most outspoken and IMHO fairly hysterical. However, I can understand why you feel so strongly.

It is a terrible thing to go through - no one is denying that. I am a bit at the majority of people you know have been sexually abused - that's just weird I think.

Look Kerry I think you need to calm down

No-one is belittling your experience

But please don't assume that every child will be in the same boat as you were - or that we are somehow insane and hysterical for thinking as such

Good lord what a thread.

It is about balance.It is about ensuring that you are never blinded to the possibility that someone who is a close and trusted friend could be an abuser without suspecting everyone.
there is a huge difference between assuming everyone is guilty and being alert to the fact that the trusted may abuse that position.

How many children are abused by their fathers? Are you suggesting I shouldn't leave dd alone with her dad because he could abuse her? He is just as likely to as FIL is tbh.

If you think my mild questioning of your world view is absurd and vicious (vicious?????) then I suspect you might be being a touch oversensitive. Just because I don't agree with you doesn't mean I am attacking you - it was you told me that I wasn't doing my job as a mother!

Gosh, long thread, wiht lots of strong views.

anon - If I were you, I would not let FIL near your child. But would let MIL visit (while I was there)

Regarding all males potentially being abusers - the sad truth is that this could be true, but then so could females. teaching your children to tell you if something is not right is a good way to deal with it. And I agree that they could be missing out on good experiences by not being allowed to spend time alone with men (does this include their own dad by the way??). I often think it is a shame for men. If a man finds a lost child, the first thing that they have to do is to find a woman of people may assume thye are abusing that child. When in reality theri every instinct could be screaming out to look after that child - in the way people think only mums do!

I am very sorry that so many of you have suffered abuse, and this thread has certainly given me food for thought. I doubt if it will make me keep my children in a bubble though, but will certainly make me think twice about situations I coudl place them in.

No-one is being condescending or ignorant that I can see.

I just don't see a problem with leaving dd with her grandad for half an hour.

I apologise if that makes it seem that I am patronising you or making light of your experience. I think the big difference between your upbringing and dd's is that if she came to me and told me something that made me even slightly suggest abuse, I would believe her and take necessary steps.

Now I am definitely stepping away. I don't want to drag this out, we are all going round in circles.