Please help - just found out FIL is a paedophile

[anon4]

I am in a desperate situation. Have just found that FIL is a convicted paedophile and I am 5 months pregnant. The whole of DH's family is deeply dysfunctional. I am already (within days of this shock) being put under outrageous pressure from DH's entire extended family to forgive and help FIL's attempts at rehabilitation. However my absolute gut instinct is to have absolutely nothing further to do with them and not to let our future daughter anywhere near them. I couldn't forgive myself if anything would happen, and I put mis-placed 'family loyalty' above the safety of our daughter. My protective maternal instincts are in overdrive. DH is split, and wants to see if we can work on compromises such as allowing them to see her with us present. I cannot even stomach that, and don't want her to be near these people. We are both in deep distress. I don't know what to do: follow my instincts but will bust up my DH's family, or bow to pressure to allow them some sort of access to our daughter?

Good luck to both you and your DH, anon4.

If helping a child to learn to trust their judgement and become an independent autonomous person is "putting the onus on them" then yes, I plead guilty. I consider my job as a parent is to equip my children for life as far as I can then let them go.

Seriously - you don't mean you wouldn't let your ds go to a tournament with his coach until he's 18, do you? Really?

[pan what if oyu ex wife remarries?

Mommafeelgood - that's why I have never, ever talked to mine about stranger danger. I have just said that there are a few bad people in the world, and I have reinforced the "it"s all right to say no" message. I have been very careful not to screw up this message by EVER saying that the have to kiss granny if they don't want to, or sit on anyone's lap or all the things that some people think children should do. I insist on politeness (they have been trained to shake hands from a very early age) but not on any form of affection or intimacy they are not happy with.

I haven't read it all, but on the first few pages, one poster refers to not leaving children alone with any 'men'.
Surely 'women' are also a risk as much as men?

totally agree with seeker and think that the rest of you are militant misguided in your approach, although can understand why this reaction comes about when you've been the victim of something

the more extreme posters who are refusing to leave their children unsupervised with any adults (male or not) and who terrify their children with 'stranger danger', 'just in case', not anon4's FIL and other people with dodgy pasts though, that's different.

Sorry, shouldn't have come back to this thread - it made me cross yesterday....

I wish we could have a 'hide' button for threads we've already posted on

It's not meant to be offensive actually....some parents do terrify their children to the point where they're scared of everything.

KM, my post was not aimed at you (or anyone in particular) - however your retort was directed at me not being an effective parent therefore is deliberately offensive. I am not going to honour it with a return.

I find it at the very least sexist, and fairly offensive that some posters would leave their children with me but not with dp or dh. If I died then, my children would no longer be able to have their friends to stay over???? ridiculous, IMHO.

Sorry - will go for good now, this is not the thread for me - too disturbing by half

Kerry, did you ever answser my question about your sons?
Will you tell them not to leave their own children alone with their brother when they grow up??

Kerry - please will you read my post of 10.08 then tell me that I am not doing my job as a mother.

My best friend was terrified by his parents about "Stranger Danger" when he was in
P2. He says he remembers being so scared to leave the school after being terrified by his school and parents on "Stranger Danger" that his mum had to leave work to come pick him up.

Y'know what? That little boy has grown up into someone with a pretty serious anxiety disorder and a mistrust of people in general. I think the way his parents raised him to trust no-one outside the family unit massively contributed to his mental health issues.

I like my best friend's parents enormously and I'm certain they had only the best intentions with their scaremongering, but they did him unnecessary harm.

LET'S NOT FORGET THAT THE PEOPLE MOST LIKELY TO ABUSE YOUR KIDS ARE FAMILY MEMBERS AND CLOSE FRIENDS. What am I going to tell my DD about that? Trust no-one? Even me? Especially me?

I've just read this thread from start to finish with my chin on the floor.

Anon4 - I'm so sorry for you - I think in your situation I wouldn't allow access with either of your ILs.

As for the debate on the thread...

I'm with OLDroot and others that don't see a potential abuser in every man. When I grew up I didn't have a close relationship with my uncles and grandfather, not because of danger of abuse (I don't think, anyway) more because our family dynamic has always been female led due to Mum having three sisters and no brothers.

I can understand where KerryMum and others who were abused as children are coming from. What has happened to any of us in the past colours our parenting choices now. I don't think anyone with as distressing a past as KerryMum's can be vilified for being overprotective. However, I am buggered if I am going to stop dd going on her much loved walks with her much loved grandad for fear of what might happen. If it turns out I am wrong to do so then I will have to live with that for the rest of my life. However we can't all live for what might happen. My carryover from my past is that I don't want dd to have a distant relationship with her extended family the way I did.