Please help - just found out FIL is a paedophile

[anon4]

I am in a desperate situation. Have just found that FIL is a convicted paedophile and I am 5 months pregnant. The whole of DH's family is deeply dysfunctional. I am already (within days of this shock) being put under outrageous pressure from DH's entire extended family to forgive and help FIL's attempts at rehabilitation. However my absolute gut instinct is to have absolutely nothing further to do with them and not to let our future daughter anywhere near them. I couldn't forgive myself if anything would happen, and I put mis-placed 'family loyalty' above the safety of our daughter. My protective maternal instincts are in overdrive. DH is split, and wants to see if we can work on compromises such as allowing them to see her with us present. I cannot even stomach that, and don't want her to be near these people. We are both in deep distress. I don't know what to do: follow my instincts but will bust up my DH's family, or bow to pressure to allow them some sort of access to our daughter?

Balancing act indeed. Doing what we can to assess riskand act on it.

I read somewhere further down that 20-25% of children get abused. So I think "hmm..1 in 4-5 chance of dd being abused. Do I reckon 'hmm that's a chance worth taking?'" No I don't. I think "hmm..who is it that does this pre-dominantly? Males known to the family, that's who." So then consider what I do to reduce the risk of dd being one of them.

Obv. a bit coldly rational. But makes my choice rather defensible.

Unfortunatley these people live in hope that we dont believe the hype. I wouldnt leave mine alone at the park to play or in the changing rooms at the swimming baths, why? because unfortunatley, opportunists are always watching and waiting, and they will find a way, its in the nature of a predator, watch and wait for the young and vunerable to be left alone.

I have to say that in the 13 years I've been a mother, three or four times, I have decided to keep my sons away from other adults in our social circle, or to supervise contact with them very closely.

This has been because of differing attitudes to life and parenting, verging on a remote risk of abuse - very remote it has to be said, but there nagging at the back of my mind.

And all these people have been women - mothers - apart from one male scout leader.

a predator is a predator, grandfather or not.

Ever heard the sory about the frog who took the scorpion across the river, the frog was worried that the scorpion would sting him. But the scorpion reassured him he wouldnt because he would only drown himself, halfway across the river he swished his tail and stung the frog, the frog died and so the scorpion drowned!

Why? because its in his nature, he cant help it!!

OK. In my opinion, you tell your children as soon as they are old enough to listen that they are allowed to say "NO" to grown ups. There are are a very few nasty people in the world, and no nice person would mind if a child says "NO" to them if he is any doubt. And the nice people will understand if a child won't talk to them. And that it doesn't matter if you're rude to the nasty people. That if anyone asks them to do anything that they don't want to do, they should refuse. That they shouldn't get into cars with people they don't know.

And then you trust them and begin to let them go. It's the hardest thing in the world to do, but it has to be done. They have to learn to trust their own judgement - how can they do that it they've been protected and cotton wooled all their lives? How can they suddenly be savvy and confident when they hit 16 and go on the night bus if they didn't go the day bus when they were 11. How can they deal with walking through the town at night when they are 18 if the were never let out alone in broad daylight at 8?

Thing is that if you allow even supervised visits with him and dd then there will be a relationship built there, trust and a bond of some sort. This could leave you dd vulnerable at any point if she trusts him.
Also how will you feel when she naturally wants to sit on his knee and cuddle him-I know Id be worried sick about what he was getting out of it.

Personally i would not take yur daughter there at all and when she is older tell her why. why should this man get the privelage of spending time wiht her after what he has done ot ohter children. it mocks what pain these other children went through. sorry but a peadophile is a peadophile and will never change.

I had to go last night, but I wanted to thank everyone for their postings, especially those of you who were brave enough to post about your own experiences of abuse. Most of it has been helpful, especially as I cannot talk to anyone I know about this (due to DH's shame). I desperately want to talk to my mum. This was the only outlet I could think of to seek views. I couldn't read all the 450+ posts as I have to work. My midwife has booked me to see an obstetric councilor - hopefully this week. In the meantime, my DH has told his family they are not to contact me and pressure me in this awful period which has caused me untold mental distress (and the guilt of what i am doing to my unborn child through being distressed). I have told my DH that i do not want ANY contact with his family - MIL included - as I am so angry about everything, including the pressure. DH is being supportive and understanding and has reassured me many times that me and our child are his number 1 priorities, and he will support me in whatever i want. Thanks for all your help.

I am glad. You are doing all the right things and putting you and your child first. I hope things get easier for you.

Good luck with it all. Stay in touch and let us know how you are doing

Keep your baby away from your FIL, and allow only supervised access with your MIL. Trust your instincts. Every time.

Did you actually read my post, Kerrymom? Fine if you didn't - but please don't comment on what I didn't say!

I really don't see what's wrong with my statement.

At what age, for example, are you going to let your boys go on the bus to school alone? Have a music lesson without you there? Go to a chess tournament (that is your ds isn't it?) with his coach without you there?