Please help - just found out FIL is a paedophile

[anon4]

I am in a desperate situation. Have just found that FIL is a convicted paedophile and I am 5 months pregnant. The whole of DH's family is deeply dysfunctional. I am already (within days of this shock) being put under outrageous pressure from DH's entire extended family to forgive and help FIL's attempts at rehabilitation. However my absolute gut instinct is to have absolutely nothing further to do with them and not to let our future daughter anywhere near them. I couldn't forgive myself if anything would happen, and I put mis-placed 'family loyalty' above the safety of our daughter. My protective maternal instincts are in overdrive. DH is split, and wants to see if we can work on compromises such as allowing them to see her with us present. I cannot even stomach that, and don't want her to be near these people. We are both in deep distress. I don't know what to do: follow my instincts but will bust up my DH's family, or bow to pressure to allow them some sort of access to our daughter?

just seen VS. sorry for the x post

Thanks Momma, all this happened before I even had any DCs to consider.

It seems everyone I know has been affected by child abuse in some way or another, whether as a direct victim, or other. The only one I know who has reported it is my FIL, who grew up in an Irish Catholic Children's Home and was terribly abused by the priests.

i think you are wrong seeker

any parent can guide their children without it being evident

i love men - they are great and i have many lovely male friends

my dcs have NO reason to feel i am removing them from male company

aside from actively stopping them going into male toilets why would they?

kama - it has been mentioned and debated much further down.

i agree with seeker.

i am NOT raising my sons with the subtext that they will be abusers when they grow up.

my brothers were raised with a fair amount of (totally understandable) anti-male feeling and talk at home. it affected them deeply. my sons are brand new people and are |NOT responsible for the sins of their forefathers.

which seems beside the point somehow, but i do know what i mean (even if no-one lese does )

i know exactly what you mean, Snappy. It's hard enough raising boys with a positive view of thei maleness as it is, without adding "oh, you might grow up to be an abuser" into the mix. And anyone who doesn't think that children internalize this sort of message is deluding themselves, in my very humble opinion.

seeker - i have four boys and talk through this sort of stuff with the older ones

i know how they feel

nothing deluded about it - he knows what happened to me but also knows it aint all men - he virtually an adult ....

my brothers very much internalised the negativity they heard at home.

my younger brother ever self harmed for a while

you know i'm in a weird position on this because i absolutely agree with oldroot and snowleopard and others that never leaving kids alone with men, just like never taking a flight in case of terrorism is wrong. you can't live in fear, nor is the assumption that men are baddie abusers a good one true or the right one to pass on to children.

HOWEVER, i do believe that sexual abuse is very common. and it is certainly secret. and really oldroot, i can almost guarantee that amongst your intimates that you think you KNOW haven't been sexually abused, there is a strong possibility that at least one or more have.

the whole thing is that it is secret. i have seen many many clients whose husbands, children etc have no idea. they just don't know. the nature of the thing, one of the most toxic things about it is that it is SECRET AND SHAMEFUL.

the only way we can change this is by recognising how common it is, but realising that it isn't some alien thing OUT THERE but is among us. which is what i was trying to say below.

Any child who is abused is one child too many, that goes without saying.

I think it is much more important to teach our children how to take care of themselves to minimise risks than seemingly demonise all men (I'm not saying people on this thread are demonising all men).

I'd personally prefer my children to spend time (sometimes alone) with my dad, FIL, uncle and brother because I know how much they gain from spending time with them.

FWIW, I think my lads are quite limited with the people they do spend time alone with anyway, just because we're generally cautious, due to the nature of both mine and DH's jobs, but having weighed up the various scenarios, and taken various precautions, we do allow contact.

that should read by rather than but in the last sentence.

and whilst i don't agree with living in fear, the terrorism thing isn't comparable, i'm more likely to be kicked to death by a donkey than die in a terrorist attack. however my likelihood of being abused is much much much MUCH higher and so is my kids and therefore i need to bear that in mind. not be ruled by it in fear. but have it in mind when i make decisions about sleepovers and leaving them in the care of a lone male. i think it's important to think about it.

wise words sophable i could not agree more

yes sophable, i take your point.

[plans to run away to remote mountainside witrh the dc and no-one else. and maybe a survival manual]

you mean you don't already ahve a running away to grow carrots plan snappy????
thanks paula

snappies dont be like that

there is a happy medium - i am determined that my kids will be happy free thinking young people despite the crap i have had

The problem is the balance between the slight possibility of abuse against the certain damage that over protecting them can do. My children are alone with male teachers, relations. I want my son in particular to have lots of positive male role models to look up to and aspire to be like. he is going to be a man and I want him to be happy and positive about that. He can only be if th sees that I trust and like men. I also want him to be a gentle, loving and nurturing man - how can he be that if he is never loved, looked after and nurtured by men himself?

SOPH thats what i was trying to say earlier...just not as well as you

i think everyone is actually in furious agreement on this thread tbh

I am jumping in but wanted to add. Men are not abusers, abusers are abusers, men, women, and in some cases even children. Its not a gender specific perversion, yes more males commit these offences, but that doesn't mean men are a bunch of child abusing bastards. Trust your own judgements, teach your children to trust their own instincts. As my mum would say kids always spot a wrongun!, these bastards are around every corner believe me, and they don't all look like pervy old gits, some are beautiful young women! and trusting old granddads!

Instincts are all to easily ignored, or classed as silly, but I always trust mine, and i am teaching my ds and dd to follow theirs.

By the by my ds is a wonderful young man reaching the teens of his life and loving his new maleness, and it is celebrated in my house, I have a ds who is strong and self assured, and respects himself and others around him. I will continue this with my dd, and she will be lucky enough to have a big brother to guide her, and be a strong male influence in her life.

btw - it doesnt mean anything that i caught dss trying to put his willy in ds1's mouth once does it? dss was 3.5 at the time, and ds1 was about a month old... i (intellectually) assumed it was a power/jealousy thing (tho in reality i grabbed ds1 and locked us away till i stopped shaking, much to the annoyance of dp)

seriously. it doesnt in itself indicate abusive tendency does it?

yes, it would seem that the risk is somewhat more than 'slight'

but i do identify with seekers pov.

like everything, its a balancing act, right?

thank you kerry.
given how strongly you feel about all this, that means a lot.