Please help - just found out FIL is a paedophile

[anon4]

I am in a desperate situation. Have just found that FIL is a convicted paedophile and I am 5 months pregnant. The whole of DH's family is deeply dysfunctional. I am already (within days of this shock) being put under outrageous pressure from DH's entire extended family to forgive and help FIL's attempts at rehabilitation. However my absolute gut instinct is to have absolutely nothing further to do with them and not to let our future daughter anywhere near them. I couldn't forgive myself if anything would happen, and I put mis-placed 'family loyalty' above the safety of our daughter. My protective maternal instincts are in overdrive. DH is split, and wants to see if we can work on compromises such as allowing them to see her with us present. I cannot even stomach that, and don't want her to be near these people. We are both in deep distress. I don't know what to do: follow my instincts but will bust up my DH's family, or bow to pressure to allow them some sort of access to our daughter?

It is perfectly reasonable and sensible to protect your child from known risk, after that it is perfectly reasonable to risk assess every situation. I don't believe that anyone on this thread wants to expose their children to any unnecessary risk.

I actually feel quite sick at the warped view of "all men" some people seem to have.

Maybe that's because I have a lot of men around me - and I cannot and will not start to view them all as potential abusers - that way madness lies.

Agree with Beety - and it's perfectly possible to keep your children safe and be trusting of men you know well.

I think others are saying that hunker. Namely Kerrymum. I didnt Pan's view was as extreme as that. Mine isnt, certainly.

I think personal experience makes a difference.

i would let my children be alone with men

friends etc

not without a second thought though....

Your dd comes first. DO NOT HAVE ANY CONTACT WITH THIS MAN.

And perhaps very limited contact with the wife as she's obviously very odd.

I think once your daughter is actually born, any lingering doubts will go anyway, as your loyalty will automatically switch 100% to her, whether anyone else likes it or not.

my dd isn't 'fucked up' OLDroot, but thank you for telling me she is.

Dd sees 4-5 adult males on an irregular basis, and prob. sees them all as playful interested engaging friends of daddy or mummy. Nice people. Nothing more or less. That's the way I'd wish to keep it. When she is older, in a couple of years maybe, she'll come to a time when she makes wider choices. As I say she doesn't see men as odd or scary.

I'll stop trying to justify my/our sane view of it all. >

Yes, personal experience is bound to colour your judgement. But there's something very unsettling about it all for me.

I think it's not doing me much good, this thread. I'm away to the Nestle boycott one.

your instincts are what shoudl decide what you do Anon.

if you do decide to take teh decision of allowing your Il's to see your Dc then make sure that either you or your partner are in teh room at all times. FIL does not have her on his lap, hold her or has any close physical contact with her.

any pictures are screened by yourselves.

I wish you and your Dp great courage in dealing with this situation. it must be incredibly hard

well put mommafeelgood

I know you had a terrible experience Kerry, and I can't predict the future but my instinct, and thats all we have in these situations ,is that my trusted males in my life are just that, to be trusted. I have not one shred of doubt about any of them. I am 100% certain of my conviction in that.

Pan what I siad was that My fmaily would be fucked up if I o=told my db he could not gtakr my children diving as he might be an abuser

Pan - So has DD no uncles/ grandfathers?
Would you assess those close relatives differently, do you think?

pan said all men

thar is what atrated this

None of us are saying we would leve our childern with random strangers

OP I wouldn't be happy spending time with a known paedophile, I would find it difficult to overcome and make small talk. But you have other considerations, such as ypur dps feelings. Talk it over with him and take some time. But fwiw I don't think yabu to not want contact.

Am also with Hunker et al, don't think it is reasonable risk management to avoid leaving my dcs alone with any/all males.

Pan, do most families experience some form of child abuse from adult males? in your opinion? You seemed to hint that earlier.

What are the recording occurances stats? are we talking 1%? 0.1? And yes of course I expect you to have the answers at your fingertips

isnt most abuse by family members oldroot ?

i am trying desperatley not to get drawn into another hysterical "peado" thread.

but i just want to say that 88% of all sexual abuse to a minor is perpetrated by someone teh child knows.

57% are family members.

unless you plan to send your child to an island occupied only by eunuchs your child WILL come into contact with a potential abuser each and every day.

As to the OP (sorry) - this is a known risk. Therefore you choose - it's on your terms.

I wouldn't let my child be in the same room as a convicted paedophile. I may let the mother in law visit me and see the baby.

The attitude that all men are potential abusers may be technically correct but it makes me want to weep when I look at my little baby sons and think of how the world will see them in 15 years, no matter what I do.

"but i just want to say that 88% of all sexual abuse to a minor is perpetrated by someone teh child knows.

57% are family members."

How many minors are abused, Mamazon?

Thanks Mommafeelgood - was starting to feel odd! Really when you think about it - most peoples brothers, uncles, g'fathers etc will not be alone with their DC's. There is usually a mum, aunt, g'mother, neice, nephew, etc present. Most abusers ensure they they get time alone with DC's to engage in abusive behaviour - and when you think about it like that its not so hard to ensure there is no "alone" time with any relative/friend is it?

And what Colditz just said.