Please help - just found out FIL is a paedophile

[anon4]

I am in a desperate situation. Have just found that FIL is a convicted paedophile and I am 5 months pregnant. The whole of DH's family is deeply dysfunctional. I am already (within days of this shock) being put under outrageous pressure from DH's entire extended family to forgive and help FIL's attempts at rehabilitation. However my absolute gut instinct is to have absolutely nothing further to do with them and not to let our future daughter anywhere near them. I couldn't forgive myself if anything would happen, and I put mis-placed 'family loyalty' above the safety of our daughter. My protective maternal instincts are in overdrive. DH is split, and wants to see if we can work on compromises such as allowing them to see her with us present. I cannot even stomach that, and don't want her to be near these people. We are both in deep distress. I don't know what to do: follow my instincts but will bust up my DH's family, or bow to pressure to allow them some sort of access to our daughter?

Yes mamazon

it is like the 'cliché' of the cub scout leader

actally it is NOT a cliché

mamazon, I feel your point that my child will come into contact with a potential abuser (what, a man?) each and every day is what is hysterical!

hi i couldnt just read this and not post. i havent fully read all of the posts but what i did read was enough.
as a young pre-teen my mum was very badly abused (to the point where she had a very dangerous 'back-street' abortion at 13 in 1973) by her 'perfect family man to the world' father. he also abused her two sisters and her 3 brothers (though physically rather that sexually to the boys- not that this was any less awful) this all happened over the space of about 10 years altogether. my mums mother turned a blind eye to this for the entirety of the abusive period due to her own self preservation and general cowardice (IMO) he was sent to prison for the abuse of my aunty although only got 18months and the case was thrown out for my mums abuse due to the lack of 'proper evidence' and he got away scot free with all of the rest of it. he has since died (mores the pity) and our entire family breathed a collective sigh of relief. due to this background i am EXTREMELY wary of any person- male or female spending ANY alone time with my DD. i agree that abusers are invisible to the naked eye where we only see a respectable citizen. i do allow my DD to stay over at my parents house once in a while and DHs parents also but it is just that...a once in a while thing.
it is your decision ANON to let your DD see HIM or not but i myself wouldnt let her near him with a 3000ft barge pole with a knife on the end. it is a HUGE risk as he has proved to the world what kind of man he is. it is not a punishment to him it is a protective measure for your DD. she is the most important factor in this entire debate and the fact that she would almost certainly be put in a risky situation is the point. she should be protected to the furthest reach of your 'powers' iyswim. i would go to the ends of the earth to protect my DD from what my mum had to endure and im sure you will find that out when you have her if you already dont know
im so sorry you have had to suffer this xx
xx ei xx

there are no figures hunker. sadly it is estimated only 30% of abuse is ever reported.

i think the figuers back when i was working in thsi area were something along the lines of 20 thousand reports a year.

so if you add the remaining 70% to that......

agree KerryMum

I wish i were that naïve

I do not know anhyone abused by their close family

JV - no g/ds - both deceased. Three uncles who live a distance away. Swiftly recounting...3 male froends of mine who she sees quite regularly, one about once every six months, 2 friends of dd's mum, my bil v. regularly, plus dads of her friends. Comes to about 10? Plus teachers, one or two. She isn't exactly sans adult males in her life. Oh, plus me!!

one in four. 25%. conservative estimate.

and i think that feeds neither a 'all men are...' nor a 'don't worry about it' argument btw.

conservative estimates that 25% of children are exposed to inappropriate sexual contact by an adult. i should qualify.

1 in 4 are abusedf by a family memeber?

those are VERY conservative estimates btw.

Oh you don't count! Why, you're practically a lady

no no beet i qualified it see below.

They're estimates, Mamazon.

It's like the "all DHs have the potential to have affairs" guff - with the accompanying knowing looks and pitying headshakes about the naive cow if you say "mine won't".

oldroot

I didn't know anyone until it was in the press that i had been abused

how people love to open up....

I DO now

What sort of inappropriate sexual contact, Sophable? Does a one-off flasher in the park count? Bloke having a wank in the car outside a secondary school?

A lot of people are abused by family members, I met many of them whilst living in a hostel one of the million times I ran away.

However I do not see how the 'I was abused' line (as I have already said, I was abused by my own stepfather, and my mother allowed it to happen) should make us not trust men, that's OTT and unfair on all men that aren't abusers.

slur - wasn't saying most families experience this! Just taking question with OLDroot who alleges that most don't. We just do not know, that's all.

and yes I ahve a magician's hat FULL of stats right here!!'grin]

I cannot agree that men in general should be banned with having unsupervised contact with babies and toddlers. IMO you cannot live life with this fear.

And what about dads who stay at home to look after children while their female partners go out to work? Male SAHMS are far more likely to meet up with their male friends during the day - male friends that are unknown to the mother. I had this when my dh looked after my todder ds1. He got to meet lots of friends of dh during the day - no problems at all.

Oldroot, I'm with you on the not panicking stuff. Think you are quite right not to allow your dd's life to be ruled by fear. Other people make different choices based on their own experiences. Doesn't mean you have to do the same as them.